As an only child myself I was probably a lot more secure and confident with my own company than friends who had siblings. However, as Ive grown older I find that I would love to have siblings if only to help with my Mum and to have shared my grief with when I lost my Dad.
Maybe cruel is too strong a word. Perhaps feeling guilty is a better word? I'm sure there are positive and negatives with both scenarios. We are just considering having another child at the moment.
It's not necessarily cruel... But having been an only child for 24 years myself (I now have a 1 year old sister) I always knew that I would have at least 2 kids.
Having said that, lots of the pain that came along with being an only child for me was largely down to my parents and their behaviour / attitude. There are plenty of only children who don't find it as awful as I did thanks to the way their parents parent them.
I'm an only one but am close to my cousins so have that family bond. There is nothing cruel about being an only child, it even works out better. I wanted for nothing money wise, if I had siblings then that wouldnt have happened. :cool:
Having been one of the eldest of a large family, I ended up more like being a carer and childminder, rather than being a kid. There was always a baby, not much money and no room in the house and loads of arguing.Yes we played sometimes, but it was crazy.
I don't know, if you have siblings, you might dream of being an only child, only seeing the advantages,if you are an only child, you might be under the illusion that it is great to have siblings, unaware of some of the negatives-lived on a daily basis.
I was an only child until the first of my two brothers came along when I was twelve. I had been desperate for a brother or sister, but by that time I was more of a maternal figure than sibling.
I have a five year old now who really really wants a brother or sister, which I would love to give her but it's just not going to happen. She doesn't even have any cousins yet, so the guilt I feel is huge.
I was an only child until the first of my two brothers came along when I was twelve. I had been desperate for a brother or sister, but by that time I was more of a maternal figure than sibling.
I have a five year old now who really really wants a brother or sister, which I would love to give her but it's just not going to happen. She doesn't even have any cousins yet, so the guilt I feel is huge.
Guilt-the bane of our life. Honestly, You can't win on the guilt front whatever you do. There are positives and negatives for all, don't worry, although for some reason we will worry-all the time.
In my experience, kids of your child's age often have schoolfriends with baby brothers and sisters,so everyone in the playground is naturally wanting to see the new baby, but the novelty often soon wears off when they get older, the reality kicks in when cute baby gets more demanding.
We spent about a year thinking about this before we decided to have a second child. I think on balance it's better if children are not single, but it's not cruel.
Having a sibling gives you someone to grow up with, possible support and close friendship as an adult, help with elderly parents, a stronger sense of identity and family, more fun times during family holidays and Christmas, improved social skills etc.
Being an only child gives you a stronger sense of self-worth, the avoidance of sibling rivalry and potential bullying, more money, love and attention from your parents, you are more likely to do well at school, are happy to spend time alone, more presents for your birthday ... and you might end up with a sibling who is a nightmare or who you clash with personality-wise.
At the end of the day, I think the parents need to decide themselves what they genuinely want - not do it for anyone else. Parents do all the hard work.
I was only thinking about this the other day when I saw a post on Facebook saying the greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling.
I think it is true in the case of my sons who are 2.5 years apart and despite spending their childhood trying to kill each other, they are now very close as adults (24 and 21) and I am so glad I decided to have a second child.
However, I am not at all close to my own sister, who is 10 years younger than me and even as adults we don't have anything in common. If she moved to Australia and I never saw her again I wouldn't be bothered
On balance I think it's better to have a sibling although I know that's not always possible for financial or other reasons and I wouldn't call it cruel, that's too strong a word.
Guilt-the bane of our life. Honestly, You can't win on the guilt front whatever you do. There are positives and negatives for all, don't worry, although for some reason we will worry-all the time.
In my experience, kids of your child's age often have schoolfriends with baby brothers and sisters,so everyone in the playground is naturally wanting to see the new baby, but the novelty often soon wears off when they get older, the reality kicks in when cute baby gets more demanding.
So true. I do have to remind myself my childhood, pre-brothers, was actually pretty great. And just looking around at some of my friends with siblings, there's certainly no guarantee of friendship.
Perhaps not cruel, but very selfish on the part of the parents. Children need someone near their own age to bond with, and a sibling ensures that, as there is no guarantee that they will be popular at school.
If one is an only child and is an outcast at primary school, then they are deprived of the ability to gel with their peers, making life at secondary school harder and life in the adult world even more difficult.
I'm an only child and I was never unhappy or lonely as a child. I made my own friends and was also very happy and secure in my own company and never bored because I learned to be comfortable with making my own enjoyment. If I hadn't got a friend to play with I'd spend time going for nature walks and sketching and going out on my bike or playing in the park or the garden or on my computer. I didn't feel the need to rely on anyone and the best part about it was that when i'd had enough of my friends I could say see ya later and go home to be by myself. I had loads of toys and being the only one I had nobody to fight over them with. It was fantastic. Also for my mum and dad it also made for cheaper holidays which meant he could afford to take us to more exotic places that large families would struggle to pay for and at Christmas time I had more presents because there wasn't anyone else to buy for but at the same time I was brought up to share with friends and show thanks and appreciation and manners so I wasn't a spoiled brat.
Just because you have a brother or a sister there's no guarantee you'll be best friends forever. My two cousins (both brothers) fought like cat and dog and to this day are jealous of one another and hate each others guts.
I know people who have been brought up with brothers and sisters who come from a large family who can't seem to cope 5 minutes in their own company before being bored and are insecure without constantly having to have someone around them and my wife who is one of 3 can't stand being on her own or sitting in the house and quiet reading a book for example. She has to have company all the time and thrives off noise and chaos and the constant hustle and bustle of a busy household whereas I like it quiet and peaceful. She also finds it impossible to go out on her own and do her own thing without other people whereas I can happily go out for the day by myself and enjoy my own company. I'm never happier than when I'm left alone to do my own thing. It's pure bliss.
Not at all. I was one of a twin but ended up being an only child as mum suffered a miscarriage and lost the twin. Sometimes I wonder what having a brother/sister would be like but otherwise I got on fine. At least when you're an only child there's no worries over the parents playing favourites and them having a "golden child" and a scapegoat. For all I know my twin sister/brother could have been my parents' golden child and I could have been the scapegoat neglected in favour of them
Perhaps not cruel, but very selfish on the part of the parents. Children need someone near their own age to bond with, and a sibling ensures that, as there is no guarantee that they will be popular at school.
If one is an only child and is an outcast at primary school, then they are deprived of the ability to gel with their peers, making life at secondary school harder and life in the adult world even more difficult.
How can you be sure the two siblings will get along? Sometimes children are bullied by their elder brother or sister, or are constantly at each other's throats. And there's no escape from a sibling!
I had a brother, and I think it is great when growing up, however my daughter is, and will remain an only child.
We can't afford another child, and I believe that it is better to bring up one child well, than to bring up more in poverty.
She has no proper cousins either and never likely to get them since my brother-in-law being a lot older than my husband with no plans of settling down. She is however being brought up very close to one of my cousins little boy, and they consider each other to be cousins and see each other weekly.
One benefit of being an only child is she will never have to experience the agony of losing a sibling, however the prospect of having to deal with elderly parents on ones own is a little scary.
What winds me up so much is when other people try to tell you that you need to have more kids and how my son will end up a lonely child. It's none of their God damn business what we choose and for all they know it could be a touchy subject. How do they know that my wife is even capable of having any more even if we wanted to?
This 'An only child is a lonely child' is just a crock of shit spouted by idiots who are not secure in themselves that they feel the need to stick their unwanted two pence worth of opinions into other people's affairs. Why don't these people just concentrate on their own sad little lives instead of trying to tell us what's best for us.
He's happy and we're happy so that's all that matters. You wanna know the definition of selfishness? People who churn out kids like some kind of bloomin baby factory then expect the rest of society to fund them and pay for their education, healthcare etc and the extra burden they put on our already overcrowded society. Either that or they use their kids as a free childminding service for the younger one. If one child is all you want then I see nothing wrong with that. It never did me any harm and was never sad or lonely because I had friends, company and always found ways to entertain myself. Being brought up in a pub I had no end of people to keep me company and at weekends I wouldn't have to go further than my back garden if I wanted to be with other children.
By all means have more kids if you want them for the right reasons but I see so many people who have more than one child purely to keep the other one company and in my opinion that's a lame excuse to have another child. Kids are not there to be used as a babysitting device or to be the other one's emotional crutch or to provide company for when their parents get old and need supporting. If anything that is more selfish than having an only child.
I had a brother, and I think it is great when growing up, however my daughter is, and will remain an only child.
We can't afford another child, and I believe that it is better to bring up one child well, than to bring up more in poverty.
She has no proper cousins either and never likely to get them since my brother-in-law being a lot older than my husband with no plans of settling down. She is however being brought up very close to one of my cousins little boy, and they consider each other to be cousins and see each other weekly.
One benefit of being an only child is she will never have to experience the agony of losing a sibling, however the prospect of having to deal with elderly parents on ones own is a little scary.
Yes, I can understand this, but some examples I have of this in my family have been fraught with disagreements between siblings about decisions. Three second cousins found themselves needing to find residential care for mother with Alzheimer's. The eldest daughter had been caring and struggling almost alone as the other siblings moved elsewhere, a couple of hours away. The carer daughter knew how dangerous things had become, but when she broached the subject of 'putting Mum in a home,' as it was put to her,(so unfair), the other siblings suddenly were bothered and vocalised all kinds of opinions, based on-err, naught.They had precisely no experience as they had carried on with their own lives, but popped up now and again for a couple of hours visit,with a nice pressie. Their Mum went into residential care, really the only option for both Mum and daughter, but the other siblings ignored her until she died herself from Alzheimer's.
I know I seem full of grim tales, I don't mean to be, but although they have each other to lean on sometimes, My God there is distress and stress too sometimes with more than one opinion, with all thinking they have an equal right to a say.
Further down the line will be tough with or without siblings, its part of a process and sorting out as much as you can as parents-decisionwise on many fronts, will help enormously.
Yes, I can understand this, but some examples I have of this in my family have been fraught with disagreements between siblings about decisions.
I know all about that. My mum and aunty had disagreements over my grandparents.
At least being an only child now, my parents have thought about it, and sorted through a lot of stuff, de-cluttered the house, made their will really simple, documented everything, and even put in place power-of-attorney that can be immediately activated with either my say backed up with doctors agreement, or by me and my aunty activating it. So hopefully when the time comes it wont be too difficult for me practically to sort stuff.
Not cruel but ask yourself why do you have a partner?....because you want and value companionship from someone from your own generation, around your age who shares things in common with you. A sibling offers companionship among many things otherwise an only child is stuck with just mum and dad for company in the home - sorry but play dates and cousins don't take the place of sibling in the long run.
My husband is an only child and the disadvantages of this have become evident in the past few years with the deteriorating health of his parents. He has no family back up or support with regards to them, the whole lot has been on his shoulders. He never missed having a sibling growing up but in the past couple of years he has often said he would appreciate a sibling or two to provide some emotional support if nothing else.
I look at our two young sons and the enjoyment they get from each other each day and am glad they will have at least each other in the years to come because parents don't live forever.
dodgyONE
Posts: 69
Comments
As an only child myself I was probably a lot more secure and confident with my own company than friends who had siblings. However, as Ive grown older I find that I would love to have siblings if only to help with my Mum and to have shared my grief with when I lost my Dad.
Having said that, lots of the pain that came along with being an only child for me was largely down to my parents and their behaviour / attitude. There are plenty of only children who don't find it as awful as I did thanks to the way their parents parent them.
Having been one of the eldest of a large family, I ended up more like being a carer and childminder, rather than being a kid. There was always a baby, not much money and no room in the house and loads of arguing.Yes we played sometimes, but it was crazy.
I don't know, if you have siblings, you might dream of being an only child, only seeing the advantages,if you are an only child, you might be under the illusion that it is great to have siblings, unaware of some of the negatives-lived on a daily basis.
I have a five year old now who really really wants a brother or sister, which I would love to give her but it's just not going to happen. She doesn't even have any cousins yet, so the guilt I feel is huge.
Guilt-the bane of our life. Honestly, You can't win on the guilt front whatever you do. There are positives and negatives for all, don't worry, although for some reason we will worry-all the time.
In my experience, kids of your child's age often have schoolfriends with baby brothers and sisters,so everyone in the playground is naturally wanting to see the new baby, but the novelty often soon wears off when they get older, the reality kicks in when cute baby gets more demanding.
Having a sibling gives you someone to grow up with, possible support and close friendship as an adult, help with elderly parents, a stronger sense of identity and family, more fun times during family holidays and Christmas, improved social skills etc.
Being an only child gives you a stronger sense of self-worth, the avoidance of sibling rivalry and potential bullying, more money, love and attention from your parents, you are more likely to do well at school, are happy to spend time alone, more presents for your birthday ... and you might end up with a sibling who is a nightmare or who you clash with personality-wise.
At the end of the day, I think the parents need to decide themselves what they genuinely want - not do it for anyone else. Parents do all the hard work.
I think it is true in the case of my sons who are 2.5 years apart and despite spending their childhood trying to kill each other, they are now very close as adults (24 and 21) and I am so glad I decided to have a second child.
However, I am not at all close to my own sister, who is 10 years younger than me and even as adults we don't have anything in common. If she moved to Australia and I never saw her again I wouldn't be bothered
On balance I think it's better to have a sibling although I know that's not always possible for financial or other reasons and I wouldn't call it cruel, that's too strong a word.
So true. I do have to remind myself my childhood, pre-brothers, was actually pretty great. And just looking around at some of my friends with siblings, there's certainly no guarantee of friendship.
If one is an only child and is an outcast at primary school, then they are deprived of the ability to gel with their peers, making life at secondary school harder and life in the adult world even more difficult.
Just because you have a brother or a sister there's no guarantee you'll be best friends forever. My two cousins (both brothers) fought like cat and dog and to this day are jealous of one another and hate each others guts.
I know people who have been brought up with brothers and sisters who come from a large family who can't seem to cope 5 minutes in their own company before being bored and are insecure without constantly having to have someone around them and my wife who is one of 3 can't stand being on her own or sitting in the house and quiet reading a book for example. She has to have company all the time and thrives off noise and chaos and the constant hustle and bustle of a busy household whereas I like it quiet and peaceful. She also finds it impossible to go out on her own and do her own thing without other people whereas I can happily go out for the day by myself and enjoy my own company. I'm never happier than when I'm left alone to do my own thing. It's pure bliss.
How can you be sure the two siblings will get along? Sometimes children are bullied by their elder brother or sister, or are constantly at each other's throats. And there's no escape from a sibling!
We can't afford another child, and I believe that it is better to bring up one child well, than to bring up more in poverty.
She has no proper cousins either and never likely to get them since my brother-in-law being a lot older than my husband with no plans of settling down. She is however being brought up very close to one of my cousins little boy, and they consider each other to be cousins and see each other weekly.
One benefit of being an only child is she will never have to experience the agony of losing a sibling, however the prospect of having to deal with elderly parents on ones own is a little scary.
This 'An only child is a lonely child' is just a crock of shit spouted by idiots who are not secure in themselves that they feel the need to stick their unwanted two pence worth of opinions into other people's affairs. Why don't these people just concentrate on their own sad little lives instead of trying to tell us what's best for us.
He's happy and we're happy so that's all that matters. You wanna know the definition of selfishness? People who churn out kids like some kind of bloomin baby factory then expect the rest of society to fund them and pay for their education, healthcare etc and the extra burden they put on our already overcrowded society. Either that or they use their kids as a free childminding service for the younger one. If one child is all you want then I see nothing wrong with that. It never did me any harm and was never sad or lonely because I had friends, company and always found ways to entertain myself. Being brought up in a pub I had no end of people to keep me company and at weekends I wouldn't have to go further than my back garden if I wanted to be with other children.
By all means have more kids if you want them for the right reasons but I see so many people who have more than one child purely to keep the other one company and in my opinion that's a lame excuse to have another child. Kids are not there to be used as a babysitting device or to be the other one's emotional crutch or to provide company for when their parents get old and need supporting. If anything that is more selfish than having an only child.
Yes, I can understand this, but some examples I have of this in my family have been fraught with disagreements between siblings about decisions. Three second cousins found themselves needing to find residential care for mother with Alzheimer's. The eldest daughter had been caring and struggling almost alone as the other siblings moved elsewhere, a couple of hours away. The carer daughter knew how dangerous things had become, but when she broached the subject of 'putting Mum in a home,' as it was put to her,(so unfair), the other siblings suddenly were bothered and vocalised all kinds of opinions, based on-err, naught.They had precisely no experience as they had carried on with their own lives, but popped up now and again for a couple of hours visit,with a nice pressie. Their Mum went into residential care, really the only option for both Mum and daughter, but the other siblings ignored her until she died herself from Alzheimer's.
I know I seem full of grim tales, I don't mean to be, but although they have each other to lean on sometimes, My God there is distress and stress too sometimes with more than one opinion, with all thinking they have an equal right to a say.
Further down the line will be tough with or without siblings, its part of a process and sorting out as much as you can as parents-decisionwise on many fronts, will help enormously.
I know all about that. My mum and aunty had disagreements over my grandparents.
At least being an only child now, my parents have thought about it, and sorted through a lot of stuff, de-cluttered the house, made their will really simple, documented everything, and even put in place power-of-attorney that can be immediately activated with either my say backed up with doctors agreement, or by me and my aunty activating it. So hopefully when the time comes it wont be too difficult for me practically to sort stuff.
I plan to do similar for my daughter.
My husband is an only child and the disadvantages of this have become evident in the past few years with the deteriorating health of his parents. He has no family back up or support with regards to them, the whole lot has been on his shoulders. He never missed having a sibling growing up but in the past couple of years he has often said he would appreciate a sibling or two to provide some emotional support if nothing else.
I look at our two young sons and the enjoyment they get from each other each day and am glad they will have at least each other in the years to come because parents don't live forever.