[SnrDev]

Now that it's all sorted can I just say that the kids are the biggest winners here, not having to get dressed up in 'Wedding Togs' and dragged off to watch one of the most tedious spectator sports known to man.

I've had to do three weddings this year and would happily have missed every one of them. Everybody is right - it's the bride's big day. Boring as hell for most kids and those of us who get dragged along to something where if we're lucky we might know two other guests because the wife happens to be best friends / works with / went to school with one of the happy couple (or worse, their parents) and it's bad form to go alone apparently.

Scotch Eggs kids have had a lucky escape if you ask me. Most kids at weddings look bored out of their skulls during the main event. It's only at the reception where most of them come to life.

[Hugh Jboobs]

Originally Posted by SnrDev

Scotch Eggs kids have had a lucky escape if you ask me. Most kids at weddings look bored out of their skulls during the main event. It's only at the reception where most of them come to life.

Yeah you're right. People of ages 27, 23, 18 and 15 are the worst ones for playing up at weddings and ruining it for other people in my experience.

[blueisthecolour]

Originally Posted by Button62

I know I am late to this thread and the OP has decided to attend the wedding, but I just wanted to add my own thoughts.

I think sometimes people have to think before they get all hurt about wedding invites. We are currently planning my daughter's wedding. Her and her fiance wanted a " small do " at a local hotel. Most hotels do a price that involves the whole package. The price is £54 per person.

We have a large family on my husband's side and some people have had to be left out. Cue lots of whingeing from various aunts uncles and cousins of my husband !!

Eventually I lost my rag and reminded some of them that it is our daughter's wedding and none of my husband's cousins should even be anywhere near it.

My daughter should be having who she wants at her own wedding. Her friends, not mine and that's the way it should be.

My husband's family put their oar into our own wedding with their opinions on who should come and I am not letting them do it again. My poor daughter is going to Vegas in the summer and the stress of all this has made her say she wishes she was getting married there instead.

Just think of the bride and groom and what they want on their special day, not what you expect when an invitation plops onto the doormat.

After attending my sister's very traditional, sit down wedding in which a lot of people didn't get invited I think that I would personally go for the cheap and cheerful buffet option in a big venue so that as many people can attend as possible. Don't get me wrong, my sister's thing was beautiful and extremely classy but I would prefer to just invite as many people as possible.

[hazy-days]

Weddings are terrible for this.

I actually don't think the OP is being selfish as such, she's just hurt. I hear so many people say "it's all about the couple". Whilst that's true I'd hate to think when my time comes anyone was upset or miserable.

In fact my boyfriend's sister got married back at the start of the year and it convinced us that when our time comes it will be immediate family only at the ceremony and then we'll just hire somewhere and put on either a BBQ or buffet with a DJ. No it's not fancy but I'm sure everyone will enjoy themselves and that matters more to us than having the picture perfect day.

I found that wedding particularly uncomfortable for several reasons. For starters I was pregnant (and no one knew aside from the bride, groom and parents), so I felt pretty rotten. My partner was best man and so we had the whole top table fiasco - he got to sit there and I was moved elsewhere - so I ended up spending most of the day trying to mingle with people I hardly knew because he was busy with the wedding party. I remember feeling vaguely awkward when my partner tried to drag me into the "family photo", it's not that I don't feel close to his family but the fact his sister sat me at the opposite end of the hall for the wedding breakfast spoke volumes to me on her feelings. Her Dad insisted I *was* family but she said nothing.

However my annoyance was nothing compared to her cousins who were so annoyed they weren't invited to the full thing that they didn't go at all. Her uncle even went and sat in the car at one point in a sulk because he said it was wrong. In their defence (not the uncle, the cousins, the uncle is a nutcase) I was quite surprised they didn't get an invite considering some of the other extended family that did in their place. They've always been close to my partner and his sister and so they just expected to be invited. So the week before the wedding she spent an evening with us driving her round to their houses to try and smooth things over. They both said it was fine and the real reason they couldn't go was due to other commitments and work but... well it was obvious to me that was just them not wanting a a big blowout row in their houses.

Now months on there is still obvious tension there. So weddings really can do real damage. It's easy to say that it's just about the bride and groom and everyone else should just keep it to themselves but I guess it's hard when you're excluded from being a part of something so huge, for someone who you once deemed yourself to be close to. What I would say to the OP is perhaps they just didn't feel the same?

I've paid more attention to how my partner's sister interacts with her cousins since then and you know, I think it's my partner that's close to them and she's always just kept in because he does. They never go and see his cousins like we do, the only time they do is if they can invite themselves along when we arrange it. Perhaps the cousins assumed, like I wrongly did, that the fact she always showed up to see them when he did meant that she was bothered about them? She clearly isn't.

As for her excluding me, well that's fine, we've never been close particularly, I was more bothered that feeling like rubbish I had to try and make small talk with a bunch of strangers when I really would have just liked my partner on my arm.

Although it seems you've decided, my advice would have been just go and keep it to yourself. That's what I did, whilst I didn't have a fantastic time perhaps I wasn't meant to? I think I'd rather that than have caused the upset my partner's cousins did. Just remember it and learn from it. If you feel the friendship is one sided, then you can adjust based on this experience. As I say, our wedding will certainly be different based on our experiences that day.

[MICH78]

Glad this thread has helped you OP, was nice to read your excellent reply to us who may have overstepped the mark at times, me included, but not with any malice intended - just trying to level some perspective.

You've obviously been through some really devastating times as you mentioned in your first post, so this upset is really a minor inconvenience in comparison. Enjoy the day for what it is and you can walk away feeling like the "bigger person" for avoiding a fall out.

[jsmith99]

Originally Posted by hazy-days

......... My partner was best man and so we had the whole top table fiasco - he got to sit there and I was moved elsewhere - so I ended up spending most of the day trying to mingle with people I hardly knew because he was busy with the wedding party.............the fact his sister sat me at the opposite end of the hall for the wedding breakfast spoke volumes to me on her feelings. ..........

I'm sorry your boyfriend's sister had so many problem relatives at (or not at) her wedding, Unfortunately this is so often the case, especially now 'extended' families are so common. I hope you don't have the same problems with yours - although it'll be the same relatives on his side, I'm afraid.

One thing you will find is that, if the guest list is the biggest problem, the seating plan comes not far behind! As well as the problem of the best man's partner - and it may well be she knows no-one there except the bride and groom - there's the fact that tables are usually set out with an even number of chairs.

So those attending on their own (plus the partner of anyone at the top table (best man and chief bridesmaid, ex husbands and wives, etc.)) either have to be paired up, or all sat at one table. In which case, they may well have more fun than anyone else (at my son's wedding, my niece slipped away with another guest...purpose unknown. Come to think of it, her sister did the same at my daughter's wedding).

So don't necessarily see being seated somewhere you don't like as a personal slight. It may even be that it means she sees you as a nice person; on the "she won't mind" principle.

[hazy-days]

Yeah we won't be having any kind of sit down meal at ours. It was just hellish. As I went to sit down the guy next to me said "are you not sitting with him?" and pointing at my partner, and I was like no "I'm not part of the wedding party". His response was "well no but they could have got you a little closer. Any further away and you'd be in the car park."

I just think all the formalities are a bit silly in this day and age, and in fact it would be much more pleasant for everyone to just pick their own seat. Speak with who they wish etc. So there won't be any of those formalities at ours.

Also, unfortunately I know her, I don't think she could care less where I sat as long as it wasn't with her.

[LIZALYNN]

In a way I agree with the OP although it is really up the bride and groom.
I don't really understand why certain distant family members are invited to wedding ceremonies when they hardly see the wedding family.
It costs a tremendous amount to feed people at a wedding. Maybe the children could go to the wedding ceremony, go to a pub for lunch then go on to the evening do.

[jsmith99]

Originally Posted by hazy-days

..............it would be much more pleasant for everyone to just pick their own seat. ............

Trust me, it really, really wouldn't. "I don't want to sit with her", "I wanted to sit there", seats pulled away from people, dirty looks, arguments ..... and any children there are just as bad.

[kittles]

Originally Posted by jsmith99

Trust me, it really, really wouldn't. "I don't want to sit with her", "I wanted to sit there", seats pulled away from people, dirty looks, arguments ..... and any children there are just as bad.

yeh I agree it would be a total bun fight (tho that could be fun in itself ) plus of course at the end of the day there is finite nos of people who can fit round one table...

tbh I enjoy the meeting new people bit for the sit down meal though I have to say as a confirmed atheist getting sat with the vicar and her husband at one was interesting .

Seating plans are a mare though. When we got married with didn't have a top table because with 2 sets of divorced parents and new step parents it would have been about 50 metres long! we just had our parents host tables instead and on our table we had the bridesmaids who were my sisters, the best man, the 2 ushers and our other best friend.

we also put all the teenage cousins together on one table away from their parents so they could have a laugh.

even so there's always the odd 2/3 people who just can't be put with their friends cos of odd numbers. The way I look at it is that the meal is only an hour or so out of the whole day and I've never been that bothered who I sit with really.

[ninja100]

Originally Posted by scotchegg

Okay...it isnt a church ceremony and access to the venue is not possible due to it's remoteness.

My hurt, I think may come from the fact that we have never been to a wedding before as a family. Weddings do not happen for us very often and the last one was down south and we could not all go due to running own business.

Sorry, but this does sound a tad selfish.

[bornslippy]

Originally Posted by ninja100

Sorry, but this does sound a tad selfish.

yeah well done. now read the whole thread and the OP's ultimate response in particular. ye who judge

[daisyduck1976]

So glad that the Op decided not to say anything.

I think the hurt about not being invited to the ceremony is a slight misunderstanding. It's not usually the case that people aren't invited because they aren't wanted at the ceremony, it because there isn't space for them at the wedding breakfast or the couple can't afford to have them at the wedding breakfast.
Meals are on average £50 a head. It's a lot of money. 4 extra people is £200. Not easy to find.

You can't really invite people to the ceremony and then tell them to go home until the party because you can't afford for them to eat...

[jsmith99]

Originally Posted by daisyduck1976

..........You can't really invite people to the ceremony and then tell them to go home until the party because you can't afford for them to eat...

It's not that long ago that there were no such things as 'evening do's' (I know the first apostrophe is wrong, but I'm not discussing an operating system). Gradually they became normal, then virtually compulsory, and then people started inviting guests to the evening only.

I can see no reason why it shouldn't be reasonable to invite people to the service and evening only. Most of the guests have been involved with weddings themselves, and are perfectly well aware of the huge costs involved.

And the cost just keeps increasing; you have to have things called "wedding favours" - I've still no idea what they are, and they're not much individually, but the cost mounts up when you multiply by 100 or more. Balloons, throwaway cameras, drinks on arrival. They're all recent innovations - or possibly passe by now.

Go to a Wedding Fair (or, for some reason, Fayre) and prepare to be amazed at what is available to spend your money on. Even people prepared to pose as TV characters (though I admit 'Manuel' was very good).

When I was young, wedding meals usually involved a plate of sandwiches and a piece of pie, with a pint, in the back room of a pub. For one thing, the couple or their parents had had no time to save up - weddings were arranged at about two months notice - or preferably, a month or less.

I didn't actually intend this to turn into a rant; it was supposed to be a one-paragraph job - sorry about that.

[leaby]

After reading this thread I think I'll give getting married a miss!

[Moony]

Originally Posted by daisyduck1976

Meals are on average £50 a head. It's a lot of money. 4 extra people is £200. Not easy to find.

Its not just the meal - if you are up to the maximum capacity for the room, accommodating additional guests may require a larger room and therefore more expense, if there is even a larger room available at the venue. Seating additional guests isn't always as simple as pulling up a few more chairs.

[Moony]

Originally Posted by leaby

After reading this thread I think I'll give getting married a miss!

Get married - but just forgo the guests - they are sometimes more trouble than they are worth.

Between family acting up both before and during the wedding - coupled with a misunderstanding over the invitations which saw
3 friends walk out on us on the day and who haven't spoken to us since - I think if we had the time again, we'd probably just elope to a Caribbean island to do it.

[SeasideLady]

Originally Posted by scotchegg

I am gutted that they are not to be allowed to see the actual wedding ceremony, as, to me, this is the most important part of the celebration. I feel deeply hurt and actually feel that I do not want to go to the wedding at all now.

Am I being selfish? If an explanation as to why they would not be at main part of wedding, it may have made things easier to understand. Now I feel that I need to say something to my friend, but really do not want to say something that will cause them upset, but at the same time I think to myself, well they have caused me upset....Advice please. Thanks

Selfish and petty I would say. The family can organise the guest list however they like - it's their day, their finances. The arrangements sound perfectly fine to me. If everyone else took their children it would be mayhem, and probably spoil the service.

[leaby]

Originally Posted by SeasideLady

Selfish and petty I would say. The family can organise the guest list however they like - it's their day, their finances. The arrangements sound perfectly fine to me. If everyone else took their children it would be mayhem, and probably spoil the service.

lol, 5 pages is a lot to read, but skimming a couple of them is probably a good idea

[Swinetown]

OP, you have a lot to lose by saying something and nothing to gain, I would think long and hard about it, nothing positive will come of you saying anything

[tpk]

I got married at the end of June & invites to the ceremony / receptions were one of the worst parts!

In the end, we decided on no children (anyone under 18) as this would increase the guest list by around 50% & only close family / friends at the daytime reception. We did however allow some other friends at the ceremony.

I'm sure some friends / family (mainly those who lived further afield) were upset by the decision, but we had a really nice day & in the end that is what's important.

[nuttytigger]

When we booked out wedding the registrar told me the room was a lot smaller than it was, so we didn't ask my husbands cousins to go (3 of them, 20,18,15 at the time) and my younger cousins were there, one was a flowergirl and her brother came as well.

Got to the room on the day of our wedding and it was a lot bigger than they said, so they could've went no bother, so I feel slightly guilty about that.

[goonthen]

Deleted

[PinkPetunia]

Originally Posted by SeasideLady

Selfish and petty I would say. The family can organise the guest list however they like - it's their day, their finances. The arrangements sound perfectly fine to me. If everyone else took their children it would be mayhem, and probably spoil the service.

Well seen as the OP came back a few pages ago to say she had read the thread and re considered it is always a good idea to try and read a thread before posting .