If you actually read my posts you'd see that I've continually been championing putting the needs of the child first. What's your point, I'm having trouble deciphering your post? If you're suggesting putting the needs of a child first is twaddle, there's no hope for you.
I agree a child's needs comes first .......this child clearly needs to learn a bedtime routine and for his own good needs to know that throwing a tantrum doesn't work in getting your own way.
Parents have rights too. This mother needs time to herself ....as long as the child is loved and cared for and has some 'special' time with his mother before bed then there is nothing unreasonable in the mother and her bf having a bit of quality time too.
Children's needs do come first and part of these needs are learning boundaries and acceptable behavior. Meeting children's needs is nothing to do with allowing them to manipulate in order to get their own way.
I've only managed a few pages so forgive me if I've missed something but it is possible for young kids to be spoilt brats.
I hate to say it but I have a dear friend and her nearly 3 year old is quite a "difficult" (aka spoilt) child. Reason being is Mummy never tells her little darling "no"
I know the OP may be coming across as callous and mean but there are instances where children are just little horrors. It is normally learnt behavior too
I have very limited experience but I do notice the more a child gets away with the more trouble they are :eek:
I agree ... I´m a primary school teacher in a Spanish school and and we often have "difficult" children. You can almost always tell which ones have genuine issues and which ones have just never heard the word "no".
On Monday I had a parent come in to pick up her 5yr old kid for an appointment in the last lesson of the day which happened to be my English class. Normally they´d have the parent stay in Reception and send someone to class to get the kid as it´s less disruptive, but it was also the day that the Yr 10 French exchange students arrived and it was manic with families/kids/suitcases etc everywhere. That meant that she was allowed to come to class to get her son personally and she was amazed to see her son sitting silently, at his desk, doing the work he´d been told to do (as he should have been and as all the other children were doing) even while I was across the classroom helping someone else and not focussing on him.
As her son was gathering his things to leave, she called me over and asked how I managed to get him to work. The look on her face was priceless when I said "I told him to do his work, in silence ... so he did because he knows that if he doesn´t then there are consequences, like losing his break/lunchtime". She told me that he never behaves at home and he ignores her when she tells him to do things because he knows that she´ll give in if he causes enough of a fuss so seeing him like that in my class had been a huge shock as she hadn´t realised just how drastic the difference was between his home and school behaviour.
Some children are more whingy than others, that seems to be how it goes. My son can be a real drama queen and has been since birth. He co slept a lot - which was better for me as I would sleep better if I didn't have to get up and go to another room to deal with night wakings. But it is something that he slowly outgrew. Unfortunately I don't think it's something that can be abruptly changed (just leads to more dramatics). If you are serious about your girlfriend and finding things with her son difficult, it might be better to approach the issues slowly and one at a time, building a routine all three of you can be happy with.
There are alot of "holier than thou" posters on her I'm afraid to say. My advice would be to not get involved with a woman who has kids. Step families are complicated, I'm glad my family is a normal one.
So if God forbid something happened to you and you died, would you expect your wife and kids to go through the rest of their lives without another partner of male father figure in their lives?
Or would you like your wife and kids to meet, love and respect some guy who was willing to take on....an abnormal family?
So if God forbid something happened to you and you died, would you expect your wife and kids to go through the rest of their lives without another partner of male father figure in their lives?
Or would you like your wife and kids to meet, love and respect some guy who was willing to take on....an abnormal family?
I'm a step parent, of now adult step children, and have a teenage biological child. If I was to go under a bus, then I would hope that my partner would continue her life, e.g. meeting someone else.
However, there are differences between: a singleton joining a well functioning single parent family as a step-parent, a singleton joining a single parent family with minor issues as a step-parent, and a singleton joining a dysfunctional family as a step-parent. I would personally advise against the last of these three cases until the problems have been successfully addressed.
This is not to say that I believe that the family described by the OP is necessarily dysfunctional. I don't know them, and don't know whether the OP is exaggerating normal issues, or whether there is a problem with lack of proper boundaries.
Penny Crayon posted some very wise words a few posts up.
Are you sugggesting Ella bas no feelings for her stepson?
I have long since left, and that 7 year old will be about 23 now - eeek! I wonder what age he was when he eventually slept on his own. Shocking parenting if you ask me from both his mother and father.
I'm a step parent, of now adult step children, and have a teenage biological child. If I was to go under a bus, then I would hope that my partner would continue her life, e.g. meeting someone else.
However, there are differences between: a singleton joining a well functioning single parent family as a step-parent, a singleton joining a single parent family with minor issues as a step-parent, and a singleton joining a dysfunctional family as a step-parent. I would personally advise against the last of these three cases until the problems have been successfully addressed.
This is not to say that I believe that the family described by the OP is necessarily dysfunctional. I don't know them, and don't know whether the OP is exaggerating normal issues, or whether there is a problem with lack of proper boundaries.
Penny Crayon posted some very wise words a few posts up.
Ii agree, my point was to make the poster ( not the op) to think about what he terms to be his normal family ,how his normal family could become abnormal and how it's a good job not everyone sees single families as abnormal.
So if God forbid something happened to you and you died, would you expect your wife and kids to go through the rest of their lives without another partner of male father figure in their lives?
Or would you like your wife and kids to meet, love and respect some guy who was willing to take on....an abnormal family?
My wife I'm a straight woman. Pippa is not a male name.
If the mother felt she wanted a man in her life and her bed then perhaps child should not be there. When the child was 2 a man is introduced into his life but it appears there were no ground rules and it gets made up as it goes along.
I have some sympathy with the OP both from his relationship point of view and some of the posts here. Mother is either not yet ready for a commited relationship and should be dedicating her time to establishing firm rules for her child or the OP is in a relationship where his value and opinion does not matter much. If this were to go anywhere of course his input and opinion matters. Where is the natural father and what part does he play?
I'd be damned if most people could even remember their own behavior at 3.. its the sort of thing reserved for our parents to show to our significant others in the form of photos and other awkward stuff
Just because you are not the biological pop doesn't mean you can't have a healthy relationship they say the real parents the one that was actually there for them anyway
Many don't understand the value of simply being there well into adulthood when they themselves face playing the role but it matters
Yea its going to seem unfair from your perspective... its alot like situations where you have the father + daughter and then the step mom, the daughters always going to be your little angel in the same way the boy is to your partner
Maybe you could find some sort of middle ground / shared interests try to be his friend kids that age just want to play, things can blosson from there
Otherwise as the child gets older the relationships just going to get worse when they are old enough to read your discomfort at the situation (if it lasts that long)
I feel bad for what you must be going through its just not really something that has a one size fits all answer, its one of lifes little tests
I have 2 daughters & a son, out of all of my children the son has been the most clingy & who needs constant reassurance. i have no idea why because all my children have been treated exactly the same, its like he was born that way
Ii agree, my point was to make the poster ( not the op) to think about what he terms to be his normal family ,how his normal family could become abnormal and how it's a good job not everyone sees single families as abnormal.
I have just noticed this thread and it is the first time I have seen your posts. Your advice seems excellent and given in a very good way. Given the sea of discord that seems quite an achievement.
I would recommend leaving the mother deal with all discipline to the child as it just makes life easier.:D
I agree on both points.
However, when I lived with my ex partner and his son stayed over with us, if my ex's son was rude to me or had a tantrum over something with me, I immediately put my foot down. My ex said "if you're unhappy about something he has said or done, you come and tell me and I will deal with it." I replied "I don't think so, if he speaks to me in a way that I think isn't acceptable I'm going to deal with it." And I did. I wasn't going to be dictated to by a child. The rest of the parenting wasn't my business but I made sure he knew I was the adult and we had a lovely relationship. (Me and the son, not the father in the end...).
I'd be damned if most people could even remember their own behavior at 3.. its the sort of thing reserved for our parents to show to our significant others in the form of photos and other awkward stuff
Just because you are not the biological pop doesn't mean you can't have a healthy relationship they say the real parents the one that was actually there for them anyway
Many don't understand the value of simply being there well into adulthood when they themselves face playing the role but it matters
Yea its going to seem unfair from your perspective... its alot like situations where you have the father + daughter and then the step mom, the daughters always going to be your little angel in the same way the boy is to your partner
Maybe you could find some sort of middle ground / shared interests try to be his friend kids that age just want to play, things can blosson from there
Otherwise as the child gets older the relationships just going to get worse when they are old enough to read your discomfort at the situation (if it lasts that long)
I feel bad for what you must be going through its just not really something that has a one size fits all answer, its one of lifes little tests
Quite, I bet many on here were little horrors at the age of 3 and most of them wouldn't have been living in two seperate houses each week - mum's house and dad's house - with possibly two different sets of rules. The child's biological parents need to make sure they have consistant rules and especially consistant bedtime routines and allow the stepfather to act more like a 'friend' to the child than a parent, who only needs to install discipline if the child is an out-and-out horror.
If the child has a bio parent missing from their life - either through death, abandonment or the father just not being any good at parenting - then yes, a stepfather can and should have more say in a child's upbringing, as long as it's a long-term relationship and the stepfather has known the child for quite some time.
Quite, I bet many on here were little horrors at the age of 3 and most of them wouldn't have been living in two seperate houses each week - mum's house and dad's house - with possibly two different sets of rules. The child's biological parents need to make sure they have consistant rules and especially consistant bedtime routines and allow the stepfather to act more like a 'friend' to the child than a parent, who only needs to install discipline if the child is an out-and-out horror.
If the child has a bio parent missing from their life - either through death, abandonment or the father just not being any good at parenting - then yes, a stepfather can and should have more say in a child's upbringing, as long as it's a long-term relationship and the stepfather has known the child for quite some time.
I will disagree a bit with this. When my partner's child told me to "get out" of his room when I went in to close a window my response was firm and instant. He wasn't an out-and-out horror but I felt it was my place to tell him in no uncertain terms should he speak to me in that manner again. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't go on about it but I was clear. He said "okay, sorry" and that was the end of it. A child must realise that they cannot speak to adults any way they like. Mind you, he was 5-7 years old when I was there, not 3 and had a greater understanding of things. It's not easy. I wish the OP luck.
Comments
No need to be sorry, I'm an acquired taste, slightly nutty with a bitter taste to start, but a sweet aftertaste
Waitrose is quite esteemed, think I'm probably more sainsburys...defo above asda and tesco but can only aspire to M and S or Waitrose;)
I agree a child's needs comes first .......this child clearly needs to learn a bedtime routine and for his own good needs to know that throwing a tantrum doesn't work in getting your own way.
Parents have rights too. This mother needs time to herself ....as long as the child is loved and cared for and has some 'special' time with his mother before bed then there is nothing unreasonable in the mother and her bf having a bit of quality time too.
Children's needs do come first and part of these needs are learning boundaries and acceptable behavior. Meeting children's needs is nothing to do with allowing them to manipulate in order to get their own way.
I agree ... I´m a primary school teacher in a Spanish school and and we often have "difficult" children. You can almost always tell which ones have genuine issues and which ones have just never heard the word "no".
On Monday I had a parent come in to pick up her 5yr old kid for an appointment in the last lesson of the day which happened to be my English class. Normally they´d have the parent stay in Reception and send someone to class to get the kid as it´s less disruptive, but it was also the day that the Yr 10 French exchange students arrived and it was manic with families/kids/suitcases etc everywhere. That meant that she was allowed to come to class to get her son personally and she was amazed to see her son sitting silently, at his desk, doing the work he´d been told to do (as he should have been and as all the other children were doing) even while I was across the classroom helping someone else and not focussing on him.
As her son was gathering his things to leave, she called me over and asked how I managed to get him to work. The look on her face was priceless when I said "I told him to do his work, in silence ... so he did because he knows that if he doesn´t then there are consequences, like losing his break/lunchtime". She told me that he never behaves at home and he ignores her when she tells him to do things because he knows that she´ll give in if he causes enough of a fuss so seeing him like that in my class had been a huge shock as she hadn´t realised just how drastic the difference was between his home and school behaviour.
So if God forbid something happened to you and you died, would you expect your wife and kids to go through the rest of their lives without another partner of male father figure in their lives?
Or would you like your wife and kids to meet, love and respect some guy who was willing to take on....an abnormal family?
I'm a step parent, of now adult step children, and have a teenage biological child. If I was to go under a bus, then I would hope that my partner would continue her life, e.g. meeting someone else.
However, there are differences between: a singleton joining a well functioning single parent family as a step-parent, a singleton joining a single parent family with minor issues as a step-parent, and a singleton joining a dysfunctional family as a step-parent. I would personally advise against the last of these three cases until the problems have been successfully addressed.
This is not to say that I believe that the family described by the OP is necessarily dysfunctional. I don't know them, and don't know whether the OP is exaggerating normal issues, or whether there is a problem with lack of proper boundaries.
Penny Crayon posted some very wise words a few posts up.
I have long since left, and that 7 year old will be about 23 now - eeek! I wonder what age he was when he eventually slept on his own. Shocking parenting if you ask me from both his mother and father.
Ii agree, my point was to make the poster ( not the op) to think about what he terms to be his normal family ,how his normal family could become abnormal and how it's a good job not everyone sees single families as abnormal.
ikr
My wife
I have some sympathy with the OP both from his relationship point of view and some of the posts here. Mother is either not yet ready for a commited relationship and should be dedicating her time to establishing firm rules for her child or the OP is in a relationship where his value and opinion does not matter much. If this were to go anywhere of course his input and opinion matters. Where is the natural father and what part does he play?
Just because you are not the biological pop doesn't mean you can't have a healthy relationship they say the real parents the one that was actually there for them anyway
Many don't understand the value of simply being there well into adulthood when they themselves face playing the role but it matters
Yea its going to seem unfair from your perspective... its alot like situations where you have the father + daughter and then the step mom, the daughters always going to be your little angel in the same way the boy is to your partner
Maybe you could find some sort of middle ground / shared interests try to be his friend kids that age just want to play, things can blosson from there
Otherwise as the child gets older the relationships just going to get worse when they are old enough to read your discomfort at the situation (if it lasts that long)
I feel bad for what you must be going through its just not really something that has a one size fits all answer, its one of lifes little tests
Whoops sorry
Lol...it's ok.:)
It is your business.
I would recommend leaving the mother deal with all discipline to the child as it just makes life easier.:D
I have just noticed this thread and it is the first time I have seen your posts. Your advice seems excellent and given in a very good way. Given the sea of discord that seems quite an achievement.
Yes, absolutely :cool:
I agree on both points.
However, when I lived with my ex partner and his son stayed over with us, if my ex's son was rude to me or had a tantrum over something with me, I immediately put my foot down. My ex said "if you're unhappy about something he has said or done, you come and tell me and I will deal with it." I replied "I don't think so, if he speaks to me in a way that I think isn't acceptable I'm going to deal with it." And I did. I wasn't going to be dictated to by a child. The rest of the parenting wasn't my business but I made sure he knew I was the adult and we had a lovely relationship. (Me and the son, not the father in the end...).
Quite, I bet many on here were little horrors at the age of 3 and most of them wouldn't have been living in two seperate houses each week - mum's house and dad's house - with possibly two different sets of rules. The child's biological parents need to make sure they have consistant rules and especially consistant bedtime routines and allow the stepfather to act more like a 'friend' to the child than a parent, who only needs to install discipline if the child is an out-and-out horror.
If the child has a bio parent missing from their life - either through death, abandonment or the father just not being any good at parenting - then yes, a stepfather can and should have more say in a child's upbringing, as long as it's a long-term relationship and the stepfather has known the child for quite some time.
I will disagree a bit with this. When my partner's child told me to "get out" of his room when I went in to close a window my response was firm and instant. He wasn't an out-and-out horror but I felt it was my place to tell him in no uncertain terms should he speak to me in that manner again. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't go on about it but I was clear. He said "okay, sorry" and that was the end of it. A child must realise that they cannot speak to adults any way they like. Mind you, he was 5-7 years old when I was there, not 3 and had a greater understanding of things. It's not easy. I wish the OP luck.