Qwerty Girl, I'm going to say something to you that I'm almost 100% certain nobody else will say.
Other people will offer their own perspectives based on entirely well-meaning, well-intentioned but in my personal view shallow and I have to say rather fatuous optimism.
I'm going to go against the grain and say that you should carefully look after and nurture your grief and desolation. You grieve because something that you lost mattered. He mattered. If he hadn't, or didn't, you wouldn't be sad. People grieve for the things they've lost that really mattered. If you're sad, something mattered.
I don't know if your grief will ever end. It's possible, but not guaranteed, that eventually your sadness will become something that you can shove around from one place to another and learn to live with more or less comfortably. This may or may not happen. If it doesn't, don't worry. That's OK too, for the reasons just given. Trust me. I live this way too, and it's OK.
That's a lovely post...grief if certainly a personal thing and only the one grieving knows what is right for them. A friend of mine lost a child four years ago and has refused any sort of bereavement counselling ever since....her reason was that she was scared to let go of the pain because it would mean that her child hadnt mattered.
I doubt you ever 'recover' from such a loss but if holding onto grief causes so much pain every day asking for support isnt a bad thing and it doesnt mean no longer caring. I asked my friend what her child would want for her and she quite rightly said she would want me to be happy....perhaps that is a question to ask.
Qwerty Girl, I'm going to say something to you that I'm almost 100% certain nobody else will say.
Other people will offer their own perspectives based on entirely well-meaning, well-intentioned but in my personal view shallow and I have to say rather fatuous optimism.
I'm going to go against the grain and say that you should carefully look after and nurture your grief and desolation. You grieve because something that you lost mattered. He mattered. If he hadn't, or didn't, you wouldn't be sad. People grieve for the things they've lost that really mattered. If you're sad, something mattered.
I don't know if your grief will ever end. It's possible, but not guaranteed, that eventually your sadness will become something that you can shove around from one place to another and learn to live with more or less comfortably. This may or may not happen. If it doesn't, don't worry. That's OK too, for the reasons just given. Trust me. I live this way too, and it's OK.
My heartbreak is less to do with missing my ex but more to do with not being able to be in a relationship with the person I've wanted to for the past 3 years
There's a line in MIB 2. Will Smith says how it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, to which a testy Tommy Lee Jones replies; "Try it". Couldn't agree more
Not really. I was married at 18 to my husband, so i didn't have the heart break faze. I did split up with boyfriends and that hurt at the time. But not heart broken. The only time i thought my heart would break was when my cats died.
Yes I have, and I actually felt a physical pain in my chest and I couldn't breathe.
Medical science now recognises that there really is such a thing as a broken heart, in the sense that there are cardiac conditions brought on by sudden and extreme emotional stress. They're dramatic but mostly benign: however, in a small number of cases they can be fatal:
When my Grandad died and I saw my Mum upset a few years back. It really killed me at the time.
When my team Newcastle United were relegated. I was inconsolable and I am not ashamed to say I cried like a baby. I am delighted that we are back playing in the Europa League and are not doing too badly in the league.
Yepp once. They say times a great healer but in the words of a U2 song "You can stitch it but but you can still see the tear".
Crushing unbelivable pain of your who soul being descimated by something out of your control.
How long you spend like others have mentioned almost felling like an observer in your own life is very personal. I am lucky I have now been married to a fantastic woman for 10+ years.
Looking back I can still whince at the pain that one endures. So anyone going through it has all the sympathy that I can muster.
It's a horrible cold dark place where the only return from it is one painful step at a time.
Yes I was heartbroken when I was 20 when my ex dumped me for someone else. I was living with him at the time and I had to put up with hearing them coming to our flat every night and kissing each other. I remember when I started crying I thought I would never stop - I think I cried almost every day for a few months. Eventually I got bored of crying but the pain in my stomach was still there. I felt sick a lot of the time as well, I remember tormenting myself at the thought of them being intimate and retching into my sink. The sad thing is I still think about him in some way every day, even though it's been 5 years. It was an extremely intense relationship which doesn't help. I know it will never happen and he treated me badly, plus I live miles away from him now so I will almost certainly never see him again. I never told him that I loved him, not that it would have made any difference but it tormented me for ages afterwards, and I felt like I had to tell him. However, I remember as he was telling me that he was getting together with this girl I wanted to tell him that I loved him but this voice in my head was telling me that if I really loved him then I would let him go. I knew that was right so I stopped speaking to him and just said hello if I saw him in the flat, although I tried to avoid him as much as possible. He was insistent that he wanted to be friends so after I moved out we emailed each other for a bit but it fizzled out. The temptation to email him is so strong sometimes but I know no good will come of it. I just figure he's got my email address so if he wants to contact me he can.
I do think having my heart broken changed me - in some ways I think I'm a better person as I'm more empathetic and understanding of people but I'm also a lot more cynical about love and relationships, and I was pretty cynical before.
I've been truly heartbroken by a man once, and only once because I don't believe I'll ever feel as bad as that again.
To cut a long story short-ish, I met this guy, he was funny, cute, friendly, nice to talk to and really laid-back. We had a very flirtatious "thing" (not sex) but I wouldn't admit that I'd fallen in love with him because I believed I didn't have a chance as he lived far away, told me he loved someone else and I had also just come out of another relationship which turned me pretty hard against any sort of romantic feelings. Me and this guy went on for about 8 or 9 months, during which he hinted that he had feelings for me but I never quite knew what he was trying to say and I didn't want to ask for fear of looking like an idiot as I still thought he loved the other girl.
I had days where I was perfectly fine one moment and would break down and cry my heart out the next at just the thought of him and the situation. I cried until I had nothing left. Sometimes I didn't eat or sleep, and I spent the days I wasn't at school in my room by myself. I was a freakin' mess of a woman.
There was many times when I was close to telling him but I'd either bottle it or he'd say something that would put me off.
I'd never felt that way about anyone before, even my boyfriend before him. I would've literally laid down and died for this guy.
I eventually started dating someone else (in a way to try and forget how I felt and also because in 9 months, nothing had moved forward with this other guy)
Almost a year later, though, I was still in love with him so eventually, I admitted how I'd felt the whole time. His words, and I'll never forget them were "Why are you telling me now?". As I later found out, he had been in love with me originally but was now over me. The last we talked about our feelings, it went something like "I did love you. Maybe one day." and I told him that I knew that but I was also a one time only option. That was then met with "What? So you don't love me anymore?" to which I made it clear that I did love him but I wasn't going to wait forever on him making up his mind. And the closing to this story is that maybe one day, when I least expect it, I'll turn around and he'll be there (his words).
He told me once that I was his "perfect match". We both agreed at the time "Who wants perfect?" but now I'm thinking both of us do, but one of us is too scared to go get it.
I won't waste my life waiting on a "maybe". If we're meant to be together, we will end up together. However, I am here and he knows that. I can't make him grow a pair and come and get me, he knows what he has to do.
Wow, never wrote all that situation down before. Damn, I feel a bit better
Yes, everyone probably knows this
My ex fiance of 5years ran off with a Spanish girl and broke my heart, I was a mess for a few years But I'm soppy like that, too bloody soft
I'm another who's too bloody soft. Heartbreak is a killer
The only time i thought my heart would break was when my cats died.
I know it sounds trivial compared to relatives dying or relationships breaking down, but my only experience of anything close to heartbreak so far has been when I had to get my cat put down. I was in the actual room with him and held onto his paw as they injected him. I literally felt the life go out of him and I just became a total wreck. I couldn't stay in the surgery, so I raced home and just sobbed my heart out. I even got a condolence card from the vet's a week later. It's been 3 years but I still can't look at photos or talk about him without crying
I've been truly heartbroken by a man once, and only once because I don't believe I'll ever feel as bad as that again.
To cut a long story short-ish, I met this guy, he was funny, cute, friendly, nice to talk to and really laid-back. We had a very flirtatious "thing" (not sex) but I wouldn't admit that I'd fallen in love with him because I believed I didn't have a chance as he lived far away, told me he loved someone else and I had also just come out of another relationship which turned me pretty hard against any sort of romantic feelings. Me and this guy went on for about 8 or 9 months, during which he hinted that he had feelings for me but I never quite knew what he was trying to say and I didn't want to ask for fear of looking like an idiot as I still thought he loved the other girl.
I had days where I was perfectly fine one moment and would break down and cry my heart out the next at just the thought of him and the situation. I cried until I had nothing left. Sometimes I didn't eat or sleep, and I spent the days I wasn't at school in my room by myself. I was a freakin' mess of a woman.
There was many times when I was close to telling him but I'd either bottle it or he'd say something that would put me off.
I'd never felt that way about anyone before, even my boyfriend before him. I would've literally laid down and died for this guy.
I eventually started dating someone else (in a way to try and forget how I felt and also because in 9 months, nothing had moved forward with this other guy)
Almost a year later, though, I was still in love with him so eventually, I admitted how I'd felt the whole time. His words, and I'll never forget them were "Why are you telling me now?". As I later found out, he had been in love with me originally but was now over me. The last we talked about our feelings, it went something like "I did love you. Maybe one day." and I told him that I knew that but I was also a one time only option. That was then met with "What? So you don't love me anymore?" to which I made it clear that I did love him but I wasn't going to wait forever on him making up his mind. And the closing to this story is that maybe one day, when I least expect it, I'll turn around and he'll be there (his words).
He told me once that I was his "perfect match". We both agreed at the time "Who wants perfect?" but now I'm thinking both of us do, but one of us is too scared to go get it.
I won't waste my life waiting on a "maybe". If we're meant to be together, we will end up together. However, I am here and he knows that. I can't make him grow a pair and come and get me, he knows what he has to do.
Wow, never wrote all that situation down before. Damn, I feel a bit better
That is all quite emotional, and much as I feel about Kim the Australian/Asian lady I met. Sometimes you just meet someone who is your soul mate, your love of your life and that's that. I'd crawl naked over broken glass to get to her.
Yes, everyone probably knows this
My ex fiance of 5years ran off with a Spanish girl and broke my heart, I was a mess for a few years But I'm soppy like that, too bloody soft
Comments
This is actually the story of my utter life.
That's a lovely post...grief if certainly a personal thing and only the one grieving knows what is right for them. A friend of mine lost a child four years ago and has refused any sort of bereavement counselling ever since....her reason was that she was scared to let go of the pain because it would mean that her child hadnt mattered.
I doubt you ever 'recover' from such a loss but if holding onto grief causes so much pain every day asking for support isnt a bad thing and it doesnt mean no longer caring. I asked my friend what her child would want for her and she quite rightly said she would want me to be happy....perhaps that is a question to ask.
Thank you IvorChestikoff X
Mind you he did add me on facebook and I accepted so he could see how happy I was:D He unfriended me shortly after I got married!:D
Heartbreak isn't just sadness but a gut wrenching pain that can put you on your knees.
Loss is a part of life.
But over other things, yes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takotsubo_cardiomyopathy
When my Grandad died and I saw my Mum upset a few years back. It really killed me at the time.
When my team Newcastle United were relegated. I was inconsolable and I am not ashamed to say I cried like a baby. I am delighted that we are back playing in the Europa League and are not doing too badly in the league.
Crushing unbelivable pain of your who soul being descimated by something out of your control.
How long you spend like others have mentioned almost felling like an observer in your own life is very personal. I am lucky I have now been married to a fantastic woman for 10+ years.
Looking back I can still whince at the pain that one endures. So anyone going through it has all the sympathy that I can muster.
It's a horrible cold dark place where the only return from it is one painful step at a time.
But what if you are heartbroken over something/someone you never had and never will?
I do think having my heart broken changed me - in some ways I think I'm a better person as I'm more empathetic and understanding of people but I'm also a lot more cynical about love and relationships, and I was pretty cynical before.
To cut a long story short-ish, I met this guy, he was funny, cute, friendly, nice to talk to and really laid-back. We had a very flirtatious "thing" (not sex) but I wouldn't admit that I'd fallen in love with him because I believed I didn't have a chance as he lived far away, told me he loved someone else and I had also just come out of another relationship which turned me pretty hard against any sort of romantic feelings. Me and this guy went on for about 8 or 9 months, during which he hinted that he had feelings for me but I never quite knew what he was trying to say and I didn't want to ask for fear of looking like an idiot as I still thought he loved the other girl.
I had days where I was perfectly fine one moment and would break down and cry my heart out the next at just the thought of him and the situation. I cried until I had nothing left. Sometimes I didn't eat or sleep, and I spent the days I wasn't at school in my room by myself. I was a freakin' mess of a woman.
There was many times when I was close to telling him but I'd either bottle it or he'd say something that would put me off.
I'd never felt that way about anyone before, even my boyfriend before him. I would've literally laid down and died for this guy.
I eventually started dating someone else (in a way to try and forget how I felt and also because in 9 months, nothing had moved forward with this other guy)
Almost a year later, though, I was still in love with him so eventually, I admitted how I'd felt the whole time. His words, and I'll never forget them were "Why are you telling me now?". As I later found out, he had been in love with me originally but was now over me. The last we talked about our feelings, it went something like "I did love you. Maybe one day." and I told him that I knew that but I was also a one time only option. That was then met with "What? So you don't love me anymore?" to which I made it clear that I did love him but I wasn't going to wait forever on him making up his mind. And the closing to this story is that maybe one day, when I least expect it, I'll turn around and he'll be there (his words).
He told me once that I was his "perfect match". We both agreed at the time "Who wants perfect?" but now I'm thinking both of us do, but one of us is too scared to go get it.
I won't waste my life waiting on a "maybe". If we're meant to be together, we will end up together. However, I am here and he knows that. I can't make him grow a pair and come and get me, he knows what he has to do.
Wow, never wrote all that situation down before. Damn, I feel a bit better
I'm another who's too bloody soft. Heartbreak is a killer
I know it sounds trivial compared to relatives dying or relationships breaking down, but my only experience of anything close to heartbreak so far has been when I had to get my cat put down. I was in the actual room with him and held onto his paw as they injected him. I literally felt the life go out of him and I just became a total wreck. I couldn't stay in the surgery, so I raced home and just sobbed my heart out. I even got a condolence card from the vet's a week later. It's been 3 years but I still can't look at photos or talk about him without crying
That is all quite emotional, and much as I feel about Kim the Australian/Asian lady I met. Sometimes you just meet someone who is your soul mate, your love of your life and that's that. I'd crawl naked over broken glass to get to her.
Did you ever find someone to fix it?