Getting over a bad breakup with a friend
jesse_pinkman
Posts: 500 Forum Member
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Hi,
Last October I had a friend come over for a weekend. We had a huge argument and not spoken to each other since.
I'm not looking to get his friendship back at all, I am better off without him, but it's really affected me badly. I think I'm just angry about the things he said - he told me he is better at life than I am, that I am a coward, many other things. Perhaps some of it was true and I am sensitive, but it was a disgraceful way to behave when I had been very hospitable the whole weekend.
I think I'm struggling because I'm just so angry at having been spoken to like that - and also that I can't do anything about it now!
Have any of you gone through anything similar with friends...? Time is a healer I suppose, I'd known this bloke for the best part of 10 years and just wondering how others have dealt with similar situations.
Please go easy on me! Thanks.
Last October I had a friend come over for a weekend. We had a huge argument and not spoken to each other since.
I'm not looking to get his friendship back at all, I am better off without him, but it's really affected me badly. I think I'm just angry about the things he said - he told me he is better at life than I am, that I am a coward, many other things. Perhaps some of it was true and I am sensitive, but it was a disgraceful way to behave when I had been very hospitable the whole weekend.
I think I'm struggling because I'm just so angry at having been spoken to like that - and also that I can't do anything about it now!
Have any of you gone through anything similar with friends...? Time is a healer I suppose, I'd known this bloke for the best part of 10 years and just wondering how others have dealt with similar situations.
Please go easy on me! Thanks.
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Has this friend ever tried to make contact since? Have you? Did you say things in the heat of the moment too? have there been incidents like this before?
Too many variables to give a truly objective opinion but from the limited info you give then you sound better off out of it.
I am currently dealing with the end of a 15 year friendship. Friend had a bad break-up around the time I fell pregnant with my child and we have just fragmented beyond all repair.. no rows or arguments or harsh words..just a huge gulf in our lives. Its incredibly sad. Losing a friend is horrible.
Thanks for this, really helpful. I said things I regretted and told him I regretted those things, but he showed no remorse for the things he said and actually said 'I never have any regrets'.
We'd always had a very fractured relationship, he's always been very cocky and knows it too. But after this argument, I came to the conclusion that he's quite a nasty person.
We've since seen each other on the train once and avoided eye contact, there's no desire on either side to resolve it and I'm fine with that, but it's still hard to take...
Sorry to hear about your own situation - sometimes I find it helps to put these things down in writing on DS, so thanks again.
I see what you mean. I'd accepted there were things in my life I needed to address, but this friend decided to advise me by telling me how much better he is than me. I think I have, or can find, friends that are better than that...
My friendship with my best friend ended very badly. She was the first proper best friend I'd ever really had and the only person to consider me their bestie too. Not to mention we also had a couple of goes at being together romantically aswell.
We were ridiculously close and spent so much time together, so we shared so much and whatnot. So when she left it hurt and I fell to pieces and although I've since realised she was no good for me etc, I was so angry sometimes. Mostly over the way she treated me in the last few months and our last conversations and the way she explained our demise. I've thankfully moved on although I have the occasional day where I get angry.
If you can, just keep busy with things you like to do and maybe try something new too
Thanks for the advice! I think keeping busy is really important - I live on my own atm and while I love having the freedom and occupy myself with movies, TV and videogames, I can see I am getting a little consumed by my thoughts and memories.
I think sometimes I'm better at doing things alone, but it's hard as I think I have grown further and further apart from friends over time. Apart from this friend, someone I was really close to moved abroad over a year ago and didn't respond to my emails when I tried to get in touch. Another friend has his time taken by his girlfriend and he rarely makes time for his friends now. These are facts of life, to be expected, but it's still quite upsetting. My breakup with this friend after the argument was the toughest to take because it was just so unpleasant... He actually mentioned that I should see that the problem is with me! God, it still really infuriates me...
I probably don't help in other cases, I refuse to join social networks like Facebook, mainly because I see it as a lack of privacy, but these are the primary modes of communication now.
I've mentioned a few of the things he said, but he said I was 'weak', behaved 'like a woman', that I'm 'stupid' and 'thick'. Previously he'd felt it was okay to call me a 'c**t', he seemed to find it hilarious and I brought up how much I hated it that he did that.
I hope I am painting a picture of just how vile he is - if so, you may question why I was his friend in the first place. Well, I'm probably a bad judge of character! But this issue came up during the argument and I was so furious at this point that I just said I keep in touch with him because he keeps in touch with me - it was true, looking back on it...
I have been so tempted to throw expletive-ridden texts at him since, just to help ease my fury, but I know if I do, he will feel that he has 'won'...
I think it's best to just leave it and show you're the bigger person. When he sees you aren't affected by the loss of his friendship he will in time regret what he said and possibly come crawling back.
Well, it's a cliche, this, but the best revenge is a life lived well. You've both said things you regret, you apologised, he didn't, and that's hurtful. You've basically backed down and given him the chance to do the same (ie a verbal handshake after a row) and he said he did mean it all. That's a rotten thing to do.
I'd just think of it as being his problem, not yours, because you aren't what he accused you of and he isn't even man enough to climb down like you did. You're the better person, I think. Move on, forget him and live well.
All you can do is try and put it behind you and realise your better off now without them..
I've read the other posts Jesse, and you've been given some fab advice, DS can be great at times.
I've highlighted this as I think it's the main crux... it's kinda over but not resolved.
When it happened to me I just ditched him, he tried hard to get back in touch but I really couldn't see him as a mate any more. So even though it was really hard I let him go after many years of 'differences'.
MY problem was actually that I let him go too easily and that HE was the one who has regretted it ever since.
I was cold and callous after what he did and very unforgiving. Maybe your friend feels feeling remorseful too and even if you are never mates again is there any scope to hear each other out?
I also think its best to move on from it. The more you think about bad stuff from the past, the more it ends up hurting you.
You've pretty much nailed it! I think this ex-friend is too proud to ever think he's done anything wrong and there's no desire on either side to resolve it. When he got back home after staying the weekend, he sent a text to say thanks for letting him come over. If there had been any sign of an apology at this point I might have considered patching things up, but I was so furious and never responded. That was the end of it. I'm glad I didn't respond tbh, but still it's frustrating I couldn't completely end it and tell him properly how much of a d**k he is, lol. I wrote a letter to this effect but never sent it in the end, but it did help to get all my thoughts down...
So it pretty much won't go anywhere from here, but this has been so helpful for taking steps to get over it.
Ha! Yes, Breaking Bad is just too awesome...
This is very sound advice, I'm very guilty of over thinking things that have happened in the past and failing to move on and look forward.
I think you are grieving for the loss of the friendship but not the actual person. Time is the great healer. You both said stuff you shouldn't have but as you said he was cocky he does not sound a great loss. Move on. It has been proved that when you replay incidents (or anticipate and worry about stuff that may never happen) your body responds as if it was actually happening i.e. raised blood pressure etc. When you start thinking about him divert your thoughts elsewhere - if you cannot think of something else have a predetermined thought to think about, i.e mentally walk through the route to your High Street, something that diverts your thoughts for a while. Find something to do that fills the void that the friendship has left. If you are busy you don't think about stuff so much. Th
Lol, it does sound quite childish! I think it had been coming for a while, it probably should have happened a lot earlier so we could both move on. I don't think he was ever a good friend tbh and I always felt he had this aggressive approach - as I've said, my anger is more that I can't throw the abuse and direct the anger back at him now, not the loss of the friendship. In some ways, I almost feel I had let myself down during the row, that I didn't argue well enough...
Some bad things were said, it got very personal...
The only way you can stop this eating you up is to pretend he doesn't exist and enjoy your life without him in it. A friend and I repaired a long standing friendship after falling out but it's not at all successful, we're not on the same wavelength at all any more and to be honest it's a bit of a slog. A clean break is much better.
If the BIB is true then you really and truly are better off without him. I realise that you have found some of the things he said to be hurtful but ..............just because he said them it doesn't make them true. See him for what he is and think to yourself 'I don't give a toss about your opinions'.
I had something similar happen some years ago now - I am a bit sensitive and even now years later when I think about it it causes me a little bit of pain. I try not to think about it though - it's an area of life/friendship that is done and dusted and that person doesn't warrant time spent thinking about them.
I am quite an unforgiving person and I know it's not a good trait but .........I am also tremendously tolerant so I feel if someone has pushed me beyond my (very generous) limits then bugger them.
Hope this helps.
I had a friend and I came home from shopping one day and my husband said "*** has phoned and is very upset so I said to her come on holiday with us and cheer yourself up" I was horrified, I had been on holiday with her and knew what she was like.
As he had told her she could come I had no option but to accept it.
She ruined the holiday, the expression two's company three's a crowd is so correct.
She wanted to control everything, where we went, what time we ate etc.
She insisted on sitting in the front of the car all the time reading the map which she is hopeless at, she has no sense of direction.
Even my husband had had enough at the end of the two weeks, he had a much longer fuse than me and was a very tolerant person.
Its a shame when a long friendship ends, but you will get over it in time and at least you know there are a lot of people who have been through a similar experience, good luck.
You reclaimed some pride by not responding, although he may have meant his message as some sort of vague gesture of rapprochement, however measly. You don't have to take his words or opinions of you as the truth, though they may continue to hurt for some time to come. All you can do is to build your own life and try to repair your sense of self worth, relying on moral support of other friends and family as much as possible and avoiding too much introspection.