I don't want advice but I'm posting here because there may still be people here who remember me. I just want to talk to someone because I am feeling very alone and I'm too embarrassed to talk to family.
Sorry to hear you're feeling so low and alone Melp.
Are you dealing with the same problem as you were before you had your little one? If so, it's not a healthy situation to live with, either for you or for him.
If you can't talk to your family, could you give your health visitor a ring - they might have some ideas of services that could help, and sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who's not close to the situation.
I'm sure there'll be other people in here who have had similar experiences and who have more insight into your situation and options than I have, but I didn't want to read your post and not respond.
I don't want advice but I'm posting here because there may still be people here who remember me. I just want to talk to someone because I am feeling very alone and I'm too embarrassed to talk to family.
It's happening again
Damn!
Melp however embarrassing for you I'm sure your family would be there for you. Please reach out to them. If not for yourself, for your child.
I'm sure that your family are aware of what has happened in the past and wont judge you on his actions. You can always talk to people on DS as well but I think you need some real life support as well.
Is he doing both, Mel? He's subjecting your small child (and you) to the over-effects of drink and drugs again, after you gave him that 'last chance'? I'm totally sorry this has happened to you again - you must be distraught.
I know you say you don't want advice, but I'm going to give it to you anyway, and be Mrs Obvious: if you let him off with it again, he'll never ever fully stop drinking and taking drugs. You do know that yourself (it was explained fully before, and people told you of their own experiences), but I felt it needed reiterating.
Thanks for your responses everyone. It's nowhere near on the level it used to be but obviously I'm afraid it will go back there. I did speak to my mum last time but I down played it cos I don't want to worry her.
We've realised over time that he doesn't cope with life stressors very well and this retreats into drink etc. We've been struggling to get on and have been growing apart so we went to our first couples counselling last night which ironically seemed to go really well and I actually felt closer to him than I have for ages. We touched on some childhood issues that we believe have shaped his a adult inability to cope and negative feelings towards himself. He found this hard tho and clammed up. I had high hopes for further sessions getting us somewhere tho.
Oh Melp I am sorry. I really think you need to think seriously about yourself and your wee one. You both deserve a happy stressfree life. I know I was a bitch to you in past threads but this time I really hope life is kind to you.
Sometimes opening old wounds can be very stressful . Maybe he needs to process that .
See what tomorow brings and if you can come closer to where you were yesterday
If you feel its history repeating itself and no hope of changing the course of history then you owe it to yourself and your son to change it
I know what you're both saying is absolutely true but I do see hope there. I believe there us genuine hope, not just cos I want there to be. To a large extent our son is unaffected as I just tell him daddy is still at work and he goes to bed and wakes up knowing no different. I do worry he picks up on unhappy vibes tho. Also he is missing out on spending time with his dad which is not good and I know he does miss him.
I can only hope that this counselling stuff helps him and us in the long run even if the opening of old wounds may make things worse in the short term.
I just wanted to say a positive thing - he is going to counselling so hopefully he wants to change. Is it a weekly session? If not, is it possible to phone them and discuss with them what has happened? It may well be that he's struggling so much with what was said at counselling, that he's "self medicating" to cope.
As long as you and your little one are safe, then see how it goes in the next day or so. But your and your child's safety is paramount.
Thanks for your reply. I'll have a look on their website, see of there's anything. It's every other week. I really need to get some sleep before he comes in but I can't seem to switch off
I am really sorry that you've found yourself in this position again Melp. You sound so sad. In your position though, I would be so furious that I would have thrown him out last night, disgusted that he doesn't care enough about the family you have created to have sorted out a better way of coping by now.
Did the initiative for couples counseling come from you or him? I hope it was him, not you doing all the work to clear up his mess again. Maybe you need to discuss in counseling why it is that you are prepared to be treated so shabbily by him. It comes across in your posts that you will put up with an awful lot to keep the relationship going and yes, marriage takes a lot of compromise, but where is his sacrifice in any of this?
Melp, you and your son deserve better. The baby might not notice now, but he will if this carries on. Being the child in an alcoholic's marriage can be hell. Please take your husband out of first place in your life. Put you or the baby there and live the life you deserve, instead of walking on eggshells around this man who has a drink because he wants to and for no other reason.
Edit to add: Sorry melp I know you just wanted to vent but this behaviour is a cycle and if your son is exposed to it he will either end up like his dad, or like you. Which position would you prefer for him:( Very few children of alcoholics come through childhood unscathed. I won't say anything more though because I know you don't want to hear it yet. Best of luck to you and your son. X.
Adding my support to you Melp, living with someone who has a problem with drinks and/or drugs, is a huge burden to carry. However, if your husband is receptive to counselling, recovery is possible for him, and I hope your family survives this latest blip. Al-anon is a very good organisation and they will know exactly what you are going through.
I'm truly sorry Mel.
I'm afraid for you that your blind faith in this man will see you on a very sad path.
You've nothing to be embarrassed for. You love the man you believe him to be and you want to fix things to stay together.
The thing is which last chance is this now? How many were there before you married, he broke those promises and you married him. How many more after you married him he broke those and you had a child together.
How many since you had your beautiful baby?
I want to be wrong. For him to be the exception, but it seems the pattern is established. You enable him and he will do exactly as much as he needs to, in order to get you to think every thing is ok. Then just as soon as you have he'll will start to slide again and glare at you for your lack of trust and understanding when you tell him you're worried.
No one can fix him except him. No one can make him think you and your son are more important than a pint or a line.
You'll always find sympathy and support here.
You'll find it amongst your family and his too, but you are working even harder than he is to hide his addictions and bad behaviour.
Having been the child of an alcoholic dad, which started when I was 15 and is still going 20 years later, I can only ask that you think of your child and get out now. Please. It did me serious harm in the emotional and mental health sense (as well as physical on occasion) and only after over a year of weekly therapy (which my mum ended up paying for after she finally woke up and kicked him out) am I able to say he can do whatever he likes now, and I don't let it bother me.
Please for your sake, and the sake of your child, get out now. He's got no reason to change while you are still propping him up and accepting his behaviour by being there.
I am so sorry you are where you are. I have been in exactly that place too. I know that feeling of helplessness and a little bit stupidity
I met a man who I later came to realise was an alcoholic. I married him. Yes, that was a daft thing to do but I loved him. More than I could even say here. He was my world. I wasn't I his world though (even though he did love me) alcohol was. I got used to the way we lived. You kind of become immune to it. Anyone looking in and knowing the reality, which of course they never do as we spin this protective web around our life so no one can see the truth, would be horrified. But we live with it and it becomes almost normal for us.
I then got pregnant. On purpose. Why not? I was in control of it all. I loved him. What could possibly go wrong?
Living with an addict is ok if there is just you. You make that choice and if you are willing to put up with their crap and if you love them enough then that's the life you will live. None of that applies when your bring another human being into the relationship. Then your responsibility is to that small person who has arrived slap bang into the middle of awfulness.
It took me a year and a half after my son was born to get the strength to be alone. The day he left (on my request) I hated my son. I put him in his room and sat in my room and cried like my husband had died. My heart was broken. But it wasn't about me any more. My husband had chosen alcohol before me and I had chosen our son over him.
It was bloody difficult. But things improved and, of course, it was the very best decision. If he had been able he would have given up drinking and chosen his family. He didn't.
Another one who remembers you from back in the day!
Not sure what to say really.
Some people are broken and whilst they can be repaired and function "as good as new" for the majority of the time they will never be truly fixed.
The question is can you build your child's life with a man who you know will fall off the wagon now and again? It may not be all the time, it may not be as bad as it used to be BUT it is going to happen.
Also you have to consider the effect it has on you... you are going to live with the anxiety that today could be the day he has his next relapse and that will eat away at you.
Nobody is perfect, but you have to think long term about your son. He is getting older, he is beginning to understand and soon he will ask why Daddy isn't home as expected and Mummy is in tears? He will only begin to realise more and more about the situation as he gets older. You won't be able to protect him.
Well it's clear you want to mend him and be there for him , but your child needs security and you really cannot comprehend how much kids pick up on . You often only find out in later life when THEY develop issues .How horrendous if your baby boy becomes a clone of his daddy because you never saw just how much toxicity he was soaking up as a child .
You must realise that you can still be there for your partner and help him even if you move out/move him out . You can give loads of support without the horror of actually living with the problems 24/7 . Plus I bet your child will see more of his dad because the dad will have to make an effort with actual visits , rather than taking for granted that his baby boy will always be right there under his nose to be ignored or seen at will ,as seems to be the case now .
Bless you , I hope you can make some hard but good decisions , and yes , PLEASE include your family . Of course they'll be shocked , but once that wears off you'll have 100% support , and you clearly need that .
Thanks for all your comments, I've not replied cos I didn't really know what to say, I'm not even sure what I think or feel anymore. I've confided in two friends I can trust from work. They're close enough that I feel relatively comfortable discussing it but not as close as family which makes it easier for me to open up. It's helped a bit but obviously they don't understand cos it's never happened to them.
I think for now I'll just see how we go with the counselling and see where it takes us.
Thanks for all your comments, I've not replied cos I didn't really know what to say, I'm not even sure what I think or feel anymore. I've confided in two friends I can trust from work. They're close enough that I feel relatively comfortable discussing it but not as close as family which makes it easier for me to open up. It's helped a bit but obviously they don't understand cos it's never happened to them.
I think for now I'll just see how we go with the counselling and see where it takes us.
Mel - that is how you have being going for years and it does not work.
As others have said, it is no longer about you and him - it is about your son.
Are you happy at all with your husband? You really don't seem to be.
Comments
Are you dealing with the same problem as you were before you had your little one? If so, it's not a healthy situation to live with, either for you or for him.
If you can't talk to your family, could you give your health visitor a ring - they might have some ideas of services that could help, and sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who's not close to the situation.
I'm sure there'll be other people in here who have had similar experiences and who have more insight into your situation and options than I have, but I didn't want to read your post and not respond.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
Melp however embarrassing for you I'm sure your family would be there for you. Please reach out to them. If not for yourself, for your child.
I know you say you don't want advice, but I'm going to give it to you anyway, and be Mrs Obvious: if you let him off with it again, he'll never ever fully stop drinking and taking drugs. You do know that yourself (it was explained fully before, and people told you of their own experiences), but I felt it needed reiterating.
Take care and be strong. x
We've realised over time that he doesn't cope with life stressors very well and this retreats into drink etc. We've been struggling to get on and have been growing apart so we went to our first couples counselling last night which ironically seemed to go really well and I actually felt closer to him than I have for ages. We touched on some childhood issues that we believe have shaped his a adult inability to cope and negative feelings towards himself. He found this hard tho and clammed up. I had high hopes for further sessions getting us somewhere tho.
24hours later tho and here I am, on my own again.
See what tomorow brings and if you can come closer to where you were yesterday
If you feel its history repeating itself and no hope of changing the course of history then you owe it to yourself and your son to change it
I can only hope that this counselling stuff helps him and us in the long run even if the opening of old wounds may make things worse in the short term.
Al-Anon UK
Mumof3 thank u, ur response actually made me well up x
Well that's set me off! X
As long as you and your little one are safe, then see how it goes in the next day or so. But your and your child's safety is paramount.
Did the initiative for couples counseling come from you or him? I hope it was him, not you doing all the work to clear up his mess again. Maybe you need to discuss in counseling why it is that you are prepared to be treated so shabbily by him. It comes across in your posts that you will put up with an awful lot to keep the relationship going and yes, marriage takes a lot of compromise, but where is his sacrifice in any of this?
Melp, you and your son deserve better. The baby might not notice now, but he will if this carries on. Being the child in an alcoholic's marriage can be hell. Please take your husband out of first place in your life. Put you or the baby there and live the life you deserve, instead of walking on eggshells around this man who has a drink because he wants to and for no other reason.
Edit to add: Sorry melp I know you just wanted to vent but this behaviour is a cycle and if your son is exposed to it he will either end up like his dad, or like you. Which position would you prefer for him:( Very few children of alcoholics come through childhood unscathed. I won't say anything more though because I know you don't want to hear it yet. Best of luck to you and your son. X.
I'm afraid for you that your blind faith in this man will see you on a very sad path.
You've nothing to be embarrassed for. You love the man you believe him to be and you want to fix things to stay together.
The thing is which last chance is this now? How many were there before you married, he broke those promises and you married him. How many more after you married him he broke those and you had a child together.
How many since you had your beautiful baby?
I want to be wrong. For him to be the exception, but it seems the pattern is established. You enable him and he will do exactly as much as he needs to, in order to get you to think every thing is ok. Then just as soon as you have he'll will start to slide again and glare at you for your lack of trust and understanding when you tell him you're worried.
No one can fix him except him. No one can make him think you and your son are more important than a pint or a line.
You'll always find sympathy and support here.
You'll find it amongst your family and his too, but you are working even harder than he is to hide his addictions and bad behaviour.
What incentive does he have to stop exactly?
Please for your sake, and the sake of your child, get out now. He's got no reason to change while you are still propping him up and accepting his behaviour by being there.
PM me if you want
I met a man who I later came to realise was an alcoholic. I married him. Yes, that was a daft thing to do but I loved him. More than I could even say here. He was my world. I wasn't I his world though (even though he did love me) alcohol was. I got used to the way we lived. You kind of become immune to it. Anyone looking in and knowing the reality, which of course they never do as we spin this protective web around our life so no one can see the truth, would be horrified. But we live with it and it becomes almost normal for us.
I then got pregnant. On purpose. Why not? I was in control of it all. I loved him. What could possibly go wrong?
Living with an addict is ok if there is just you. You make that choice and if you are willing to put up with their crap and if you love them enough then that's the life you will live. None of that applies when your bring another human being into the relationship. Then your responsibility is to that small person who has arrived slap bang into the middle of awfulness.
It took me a year and a half after my son was born to get the strength to be alone. The day he left (on my request) I hated my son. I put him in his room and sat in my room and cried like my husband had died. My heart was broken. But it wasn't about me any more. My husband had chosen alcohol before me and I had chosen our son over him.
It was bloody difficult. But things improved and, of course, it was the very best decision. If he had been able he would have given up drinking and chosen his family. He didn't.
Not sure what to say really.
Some people are broken and whilst they can be repaired and function "as good as new" for the majority of the time they will never be truly fixed.
The question is can you build your child's life with a man who you know will fall off the wagon now and again? It may not be all the time, it may not be as bad as it used to be BUT it is going to happen.
Also you have to consider the effect it has on you... you are going to live with the anxiety that today could be the day he has his next relapse and that will eat away at you.
Nobody is perfect, but you have to think long term about your son. He is getting older, he is beginning to understand and soon he will ask why Daddy isn't home as expected and Mummy is in tears? He will only begin to realise more and more about the situation as he gets older. You won't be able to protect him.
You must realise that you can still be there for your partner and help him even if you move out/move him out . You can give loads of support without the horror of actually living with the problems 24/7 . Plus I bet your child will see more of his dad because the dad will have to make an effort with actual visits , rather than taking for granted that his baby boy will always be right there under his nose to be ignored or seen at will ,as seems to be the case now .
Bless you , I hope you can make some hard but good decisions , and yes , PLEASE include your family . Of course they'll be shocked , but once that wears off you'll have 100% support , and you clearly need that .
I think for now I'll just see how we go with the counselling and see where it takes us.
Mel - that is how you have being going for years and it does not work.
As others have said, it is no longer about you and him - it is about your son.
Are you happy at all with your husband? You really don't seem to be.