A very hypothetical wedding problem
I'm in my late twenties and single. Undecided about marriage if the right guy ever came along, I guess we'd have to just see. Part of me says just cohabit, it spares the expense of a wedding and divorce, draw up an agreement and live together. Much of my undecidedness is down to what ifs of what if it ever went wrong and didn't work out. As I say... til I meet the right person I won't know.
But I have another problem... and its really tricky. If I do ever end up wanting to get married someday... my mother has already decided in her own mind, she is making my wedding dress. I've never once agreed to it. She is good with her hands.. used to make dresses years ago, but never a wedding dress, but has moved more into patchwork. Her idea is to recycle an old family wedding dress...which I've never seen. I tried to tell her years ago, I'd decide what I wore and where it came from, she just ignored this and went on to tell me all wedding dresses are expensively made, the material is rubbish etc. I know in my own heart and mind that I don't want this at all and at the end of the day, it should be up to me. No matter what I do here, I'm going to risk what I want over upsetting someone. The whole thought of this just actually makes me quite upset inside and maybe probably has contributed to my thoughts on marriage. ("I just won't married cos I know I'm probably gonna be disowned and wish not to risk hurting someone's feelings") (Sounds bonkers but true). I hate upsetting people but I hate decisions being made for me. No matter what, its going to be a very touchy subject. Can anyone offer any advice, I'd rather nip this idea in the bud now so she's not so shocked or hurt when/if the time ever comes around.
But I have another problem... and its really tricky. If I do ever end up wanting to get married someday... my mother has already decided in her own mind, she is making my wedding dress. I've never once agreed to it. She is good with her hands.. used to make dresses years ago, but never a wedding dress, but has moved more into patchwork. Her idea is to recycle an old family wedding dress...which I've never seen. I tried to tell her years ago, I'd decide what I wore and where it came from, she just ignored this and went on to tell me all wedding dresses are expensively made, the material is rubbish etc. I know in my own heart and mind that I don't want this at all and at the end of the day, it should be up to me. No matter what I do here, I'm going to risk what I want over upsetting someone. The whole thought of this just actually makes me quite upset inside and maybe probably has contributed to my thoughts on marriage. ("I just won't married cos I know I'm probably gonna be disowned and wish not to risk hurting someone's feelings") (Sounds bonkers but true). I hate upsetting people but I hate decisions being made for me. No matter what, its going to be a very touchy subject. Can anyone offer any advice, I'd rather nip this idea in the bud now so she's not so shocked or hurt when/if the time ever comes around.
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I understand what you mean, but I think you're borrowing trouble and upsetting yourself needlessly at the moment. I don't want to sound harsh, but it just sounds like you've got a fear of your mum brow-beating you at some point in the future. Most weddings have a relative who'll poke their noses in at any point from the wedding dress to the table decorations. All you do is handle it when it comes.
For your mum, and for managing it in the meantime, tell her you don't want to use that old wedding dress. It's actually a lovely tradition to remake a dress from an old family one, but if it's not what you want, it's your decision. So, if the dress is white, tell your mum you want to be married in cream. If it's cream, tell her you'll be wanting a pink dress. Anything like that. She has a point about the expense of the dress, but once she realises that she can't exactly dye the fabric to suit you, she should come around about the old dress. If she wants to make your dress from new fabric, tell her you'll be wanting a punk or Goth wedding, or a Rocky Horror wedding - anything that she can't really get involved in in that respect, and get her to do the bridesmaids' dresses.
Alternatively, avoid the subject completely and manage it if/when it arises. You're not alone in being brow-beaten over a parent about wedding arrangements, trust me. It may even be that by the time you do get wed your mum won't have the eyesight or manual dexterity to sew something like the dress. I'm mid-50s and know what I mean by that.
I think rejecting a bespoke dress created from vintage materials which has been handmade by your mother out of sheer love in favour of some off the rack thing is a bit of a travesty, personally.
Just let her know that you appreciate how she wants to make your dress but it's important to you that you choose your own style and colour and suggest there will be plenty of other plans she could help you with without taking up so much time making the dress.
Don't feel pressurised into wearing something you don't want to, every bride want to look her best on her wedding day
BIB,, not according to pugamo above! His assertion that getting married isn't about what you wear seems to fly in the face of everything I've heard about weddings from every woman ever.
OP, if or when it happens, it's your day, your dress, your rules. You will never please everyone about a wedding, so don't waste time fretting about it in the future, and certainly not now.
If your mother brings it up again, just give a firm, self-assured "no, it's not want I want for my wedding"
In reality there's nothing to stop you letting her go on with her plan but you organise your own dress etc anyway, and present it as a fait accompli on the day. Mean, but no meaner than what she's doing to you. Alternatively fly out to Vegas and get married there, then come back and tell everyone what you've done.
As for the dress, if you do decide that marriage is your thing, how about letting your mum make you something else, so she'll still feel a part of things? Or wearing your own choice of dress for getting married in then the one your mum will make at night?
Personally speaking, when I get married, I'm going to Vegas, to a drive-thru wedding chapel, wearing shorts and a bikini top, whatever my mum says otherwise
You could always run off and go for an Elvis wedding in Las Vegas;-)
edit: that`s someone who sews, not filthy pipeage.
I agree with this. It's obviously something that has bothered you, however as you've said you are still single... it's really not something you should be worrying about at the moment. You never know what might happen in the future - you might never get married, your Mum might have a complete change of heart, or you might decide you'd love her to make you a dress. I would only worry about it if/when it becomes likely you'll be needing a wedding dress!
Put it to the back of your mind and maybe revisit this thread when (and if) you meet someone and decide to get married!
Pugamo is female
I do disagree with her though, the dress is very important to some people and it is your day, you should do whatever you want for it. While a bespoke vintage dress may be someones dream dress, it doesn't mean it's everyone's.
OP, it sounds like you have plenty of time to get this sorted. Maybe bring up the subject of marriage casually to your Mum somewhen and when the she mentions the dress just say that although that is such an amazingly lovely gesture, you dream of going dress shopping and picking one out. But she will of course be needed help you out with lots of other things (bridesmaid dresses?).
Yeah, the poster saying that sounds much nicer than a new one is probably imagining some beautiful Grace Kelly affair. I'm imagining some 80s monstrosity best forgotten!
As to the dress - what a shame you feel that way. I can't think of anything more special than my own mother making my wedding dress - specially if it is from a combination of new and old, unfortunately my mother can't/couldn't sew and I had to buy mine.
I hope you find that special person to spend the rest of your life.
Yeah I was imagining the same but I tried to be tactful
This. My Mum can be a bit 'full on' and I've had to learn to when to put my foot down and say no. I do worry about upsetting her, but we're all adults now and she understands the reasons behind the choices my husband and I make. We respect one another's opinions and we still love one another very much - but we don't always have to agree on the best way to do things.
This is a life-long thing. Sort things out at the wedding planning stage, because it gets harder when babies get involved!
It's been at the back of my mind for years and always gets brought up and I've tried to say no but it falls on deaf ears. Yeah I know to the poster that mentioned my thoughts on marriage. I have rubbish luck. I'm hoping someday that will change
Eh, we know the OP doesn't want the dress
Whenever it happens OP, it's best to avoid letting it go any further than a day or two after yu tell her you're getting married.
I imagine she not only knows she wants you to use the dress, but has already decided how she'll adapt it too.
My mum made my prom dress - she did a good job and I do love her... but never again! She wanted to have the waist loose and saggy instead of nipped in, and told me that it was the proper style. I threw one of the few tantrums I had as a teen (that I admit to!) insisting that it not be sack-shaped. Don't go there.
Are you Sparks1? Confused. If so then ask mum to do the flowergirls dresses out of the wedding dress, sorted.
Haha is this someone who forgot to log out? I'm also confused if that's not the case.