Best/Most downright stupid top tip you've ever seen in a magazine

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,091
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Inspired by the problem page thread, whats the best/worst top tip you've ever seen in a magazine?

The best I ever saw was when I was about 13, to use conditioner as shaving gel, I still do it now 9 years later.

The two most bizzare I've ever seen were in some cheap womens weekly, probably pick me up. One suggested using cat litter as an exfoliator, and the other said to strategically staple sanitary towels (not used) together to fashion a comfortable and warm pair of slippers :confused:

So anyone any suggestions on any useful/downright mental tips?

(picture of slippers http://familycrafts.about.com/od/giftstomake/ss/Maxi-Pad-Slippers-Craft.htm)
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  • mathertronmathertron Posts: 30,083
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    Viz FTW! :)
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,091
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    I wish I had read them in Viz
  • spotyspoty Posts: 11,195
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    Not out of Viz:

    Keep your old cotton bobbins and paint them the same colour as your carpet, then nail them into the floor and use as a door stop.

    Cut the bottom off old plastic pop bottles and use as jelly moulds

    They are tips but??.
  • mathertronmathertron Posts: 30,083
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    I wish I had read them in Viz

    a wee selection of Viz top tips

    WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.

    Don't discard used banana skins.. . .They make ideal sun hats for starfish.

    Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
    will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

    Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
    chin into a bowl of iron filings.

    Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
    pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
    receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

    HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.


    Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.


    - Leprechauns. Protect your finances by investing in gilts or a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300 foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you've hidden it.

    - Competition fans. Ensure success in postal competitions by moistening the envelopes with your helmet oil. This will, upon opening, cause the release of male pheromones which will subconsciously drive the gorgeous admin assistant to pick your entry "entirely at random".

    LOOK 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you.


    RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place
  • Red CrayonRed Crayon Posts: 32
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    LMAO at the picture of the sanitary towel slippers.

    The two most bizzare I've ever seen were in some cheap womens weekly, probably pick me up. One suggested using cat litter as an exfoliator, and the other said to strategically staple sanitary towels (not used) together to fashion a comfortable and warm pair of slippers :confused:

    The cat litter one isn't as bizarre as it sounds - 100% clay cat litter can be used as a mudpack; it's essentially no different to clay masks sold in shops (perhaps better as the active ingredient is more concentrated). You mix it with hot water, strain out the grit, apply and leave to dry. I thought WTF when I saw it recommended on a beauty site but it works extremely well!
  • Hobbit FeetHobbit Feet Posts: 18,798
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    The one I remember most in Viz was the nailing a cornflake box to the exterior of your house and painting it yellow to deter burglars.

    Actually that might have been in our local police publication...... Not sure now :o
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,091
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    mathertron wrote: »
    a wee selection of Viz top tips

    WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.

    Don't discard used banana skins.. . .They make ideal sun hats for starfish.

    Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
    will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

    Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
    chin into a bowl of iron filings.

    Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
    pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
    receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

    HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.


    Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.


    - Leprechauns. Protect your finances by investing in gilts or a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300 foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you've hidden it.

    - Competition fans. Ensure success in postal competitions by moistening the envelopes with your helmet oil. This will, upon opening, cause the release of male pheromones which will subconsciously drive the gorgeous admin assistant to pick your entry "entirely at random".

    LOOK 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you.


    RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place


    :D:D:D:D

    brightened up my day, especially after being told I'm being made redundant this morning! Hence why I'm spending the whole day on DS
  • SHAFTSHAFT Posts: 4,369
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    Nuttiest one I've heard: If you get your mobile phone wet put in in a bowl of uncooked rice overnight and the rice will absorb the moisture and dry out the handset.
  • Red CrayonRed Crayon Posts: 32
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    Some of the barmiest ones currently on the Pick Me Up site:

    Don't waste your money on expensive wrapping paper: I hate buying expensive wrapping paper only for it to be ripped straight away. So for my mum's birthday this year, I used newspaper, even for the pretty bow on the top. Karina Perry, Chesterfield

    How to recycle chipped mugs: Don't throw away your old chipped mugs or cups – I planted some daisies in one of mine and it really brightens up my garden table. Rico Mercato, Bristol

    Don't hide those holiday snaps: Instead of hiding away my holiday snaps, I stuck them underneath my glass coffee table. It makes a great talking point when people come round. Beverley Lindfield, Hextable

    Make your own toys for entertainment: If your friends visit and you don't have any toys to entertain their kids, cut up the front of a cereal packet to make a jigsaw. Michelle Pell, Paignton

    :confused::confused::D:D



    But! This is a good one, I'm going to try it :p:

    How to prevent blisters with new shoes:
    To stop new shoes from giving me blisters, I rub some Vaseline inside them.
    Nicola Jones, Porth
  • PictoPicto Posts: 24,270
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    I've just had a quick look at the Viz tips and these stood out.

    A SIMPLE check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.

    WHEN VISITING a Moto service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.

    SAVE DOING unnecessary ironing by putting on your shirt and tucking it into your trousers. Then, draw a line around the shirt at belt level with an indelible marker pen. The material below this line will never need ironing, thus saving time and effort.

    DRUNKEN ladies. When applying your 'Always' sanitary pad with wings, always make sure you position the pad with the sticky side down.

    A GLASS mixing bowl turned upside down over a saucer of water in the garden makes an ideal Centre parks for ants.

    MEN. WHEN listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

    http://www.viz.co.uk/toptips.html

    Don't join DS forums, you'll spend all your time on here. I ignored that wise advice and look what happened.
  • mathertronmathertron Posts: 30,083
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    :D:D:D:D

    brightened up my day, especially after being told I'm being made redundant this morning! Hence why I'm spending the whole day on DS

    Awww, sorry to hear that. I find DS is very therapeutic, just avoid the political threads :eek:
  • mathertronmathertron Posts: 30,083
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    DEPRESSED PEOPLE: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', Simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc


    This one really makes me laugh, although it really shouldn't :o
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 365
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    If your child starts choking on an ice cube simply pour boiling water down their throat to quickly remove the blockage!
  • Magic8BallMagic8Ball Posts: 3,808
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    Red Crayon wrote: »
    The cat litter one isn't as bizarre as it sounds - 100% clay cat litter can be used as a mudpack; it's essentially no different to clay masks sold in shops (perhaps better as the active ingredient is more concentrated). You mix it with hot water, strain out the grit, apply and leave to dry. I thought WTF when I saw it recommended on a beauty site but it works extremely well!

    Top Tip:
    DO NOT USE CAT LITTER AS A MUDPACK, it will seem like a great idea until your cat takes a dump on your face.
  • mathertronmathertron Posts: 30,083
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    *snigger* scatcat
  • Red CrayonRed Crayon Posts: 32
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    :D:p:D
  • vikta_vondoomvikta_vondoom Posts: 130
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    Job Seeker wrote: »
    If your child starts choking on an ice cube simply pour boiling water down their throat to quickly remove the blockage!

    LMFAO
  • Kittycat73Kittycat73 Posts: 2,956
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    Picto wrote: »
    I've just had a quick look at the Viz tips and these stood out.

    http://www.viz.co.uk/toptips.html

    :D Been looking through those Viz tips myself, a few that made me chuckle:
    TV NEWS reporters. Intersperse your interviews with footage of yourself nodding like a ****. This will help viewers appreciate that what's being said is important and correct.

    A Quinn, London
    OLD PEOPLE. If you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat. When you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

    Win Dozsthreeone, e-mail
    BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

    James Smyth, Hitchin
    NUDISTS. In cold weather, when you are forced to wear clothes, simply pin a photograph of your cock and balls onto the front of your trousers.

    Al Read, Halifax
  • EraserheadEraserhead Posts: 22,016
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    One of my favourite Viz tips was "Don't waste money on expensive binoculars. Simply move closer to the object you wish to view"

    :)
  • lea_uklea_uk Posts: 9,637
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    Inspired by the problem page thread, whats the best/worst top tip you've ever seen in a magazine?

    The best I ever saw was when I was about 13, to use conditioner as shaving gel, I still do it now 9 years later.

    The two most bizzare I've ever seen were in some cheap womens weekly, probably pick me up. One suggested using cat litter as an exfoliator, and the other said to strategically staple sanitary towels (not used) together to fashion a comfortable and warm pair of slippers :confused:

    So anyone any suggestions on any useful/downright mental tips?

    (picture of slippers http://familycrafts.about.com/od/giftstomake/ss/Maxi-Pad-Slippers-Craft.htm)
    I remember the slipper one.
    On a website there's actually instructions telling you how to make washable sanitary towels, that doesn't sound like anything I'd want to use.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 7,284
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    Not really a top tip, but I have seen someone insist that using menstrual blood as lipstick is a powerful feminist statement.:confused:

    I think the general idea was to advocate for people to be able to talk more openly about their periods, which is fair enough. I can't quite work out how they got from "Not seeing periods as a source of embarrassment" to "Smearing bodily fluids all over your face" though.
  • Red CrayonRed Crayon Posts: 32
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    That Pick Me Up magazine gives £25 for those shit tips.

    One of which is:

    How to store your toiletries effectively
    : I was sick of my bathroom shelves looking cluttered, so I bought a wicker basket to keep all my toiletries in. Even my Pick Me Up goes in there! Beverley Lindfield, Hextable
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 7,284
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    Red Crayon wrote: »

    Make your own toys for entertainment: If your friends visit and you don't have any toys to entertain their kids, cut up the front of a cereal packet to make a jigsaw. Michelle Pell, Paignton

    That one isn't that silly- I used to do just that with old Christmas Cards when I was a kid.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 36,630
    Forum Member
    Inspired by the problem page thread, whats the best/worst top tip you've ever seen in a magazine?

    The best I ever saw was when I was about 13, to use conditioner as shaving gel, I still do it now 9 years later.

    The two most bizzare I've ever seen were in some cheap womens weekly, probably pick me up. One suggested using cat litter as an exfoliator, and the other said to strategically staple sanitary towels (not used) together to fashion a comfortable and warm pair of slippers :confused:

    So anyone any suggestions on any useful/downright mental tips?

    (picture of slippers http://familycrafts.about.com/od/giftstomake/ss/Maxi-Pad-Slippers-Craft.htm)

    # Time Required: 30 minutes (Does not include drying time)
    WTF?. Why not use new, unused towels :D
  • VoodooChicVoodooChic Posts: 9,863
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    One of my fave Viz top tips went something like "Fool neighbours into thinking you have an flashy strip light in your kitchen by simply turning the light on and off 5 or 6 times as you enter"
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