Moving in with a gay friend....
I'm fed up of living with sharing a house withe people I don't know until they move in and a gay friend of mine had a room available and I've agreed to move in with him soon. However although my mum knows I'm gay, my dad doesn't as she has said not to tell him as he'd be 'devastated' even though I would like to tell him. I'm not going to go against her wishes. Trouble is, even though my parents live a good hour and a half away from my new place, they're already saying 'We'll have to come up and visit and see your new place soon' and want to help me move from my old place to new one. Problem is my friend is obviously gay in the way he talks etc so even though my dad mighn't equate me with that he's going to be very annoyed with me moving in with a gay friend. So already I'm thinking god I can't invite them up when he's around and I can't accept their offer to help as he will be there etc etc.
Yes I could tell him my dad doesn't know and ask him to not be there when they come around but it might be a bit offensive if I tell him he's too camp and my dad will guess!
Yes I could tell him my dad doesn't know and ask him to not be there when they come around but it might be a bit offensive if I tell him he's too camp and my dad will guess!
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Well, unless you are moving in with him as his partner, the fact that HE is gay doesn't mean that you are.
If you moved in with a girl, would your dad think you were a girl ?
Who gives a damn what others think? Including family.
No doesn't mean to say I am but he's not going to like it and will either put two and two together which'll send my mum over the edge or be horrified of the thought of me living with a gay guy and say to get out of there!
It's one thing that you have to keep your true self a secret from him, but yes, it would be offensive to ask your friend to disappear just so your dad doesn't kick off about how others choose to live their lives.
Flatmate aside, I hope you get to live YOUR life the way YOU want eventually.
With respect though, who cares about your parents having an issue? it's their issue, not yours.
Your not exactly out there committing crimes and shooting up drugs? They'll have to get over it won't they.
This. I once lived with a gay man and our cat. I am neither a gay man, nor a cat and to my knowledge, my Dad never had suspicions I was
I dont think you or your new flatmate should be put in a position of having to hide away, pretend to be someone else etc just to pander to your dad.....lying to your dad if you like.
Your mum has said not to tell him to save his 'devastation' so ask her what she wants you to do now? She knows the score and that your flatmate is gay yet still wants to come and help. What does she expect you to do.
Personally I would tell your dad...if he is devastated then so be it, its his problem but you have to be who you are and noone should make you feel ashamed of that or feel like you have to hide things.
And carry on living a lie? I say get it all out in the open. Everything.
If your dad is going to be prejudiced then that is his problem. You said you wanted to tell him your are gay, but haven't to spare him his feelings. The thing is if your dad was racist and your mate was black would you be so sparing, I doubt it. Prejudice is prejudice and you are better having your father love you as you. You will never know until he knows and if he can't love you after he knows your gay then he doesn't deserve your consideration. Tell your mum to tell your dad, or tell her to be present when you tell him. Your mum is orchestrating this situation and she needs to take responsibility. Let him get over his "devastation" and welcome into the real world.
That is up to the OP, everyone's situation is different. I don't see anything wrong in keeping your sex life private from parents if it means an easier life. We don't know the age or medical condition of them.
But it's not all about sex. How about when he meets someone and falls in love with them? What's he going to do? Pretend they don't exist? Lock them in the wardrobe when the parents come to visit?
It's easy to say 'tell them nothing' but, the pressure this puts on somebody is much harder than telling them the truth.
I agree with all this. I think the sooner you tell your dad the better, as he deserves the truth and you deserve to be the person you are. You and your mother might be surprised by his reaction. People very often rethink their attitudes towards being gay when it is their own child involved.
But, if you don't want to tell him, you certainly shouldn't make any apologies for your HM. Even if he is blatantly the gayest thing ever, that is his right and your parents won't necessarily presume you're gay. Of course, your Dad may begin to suspect you're gay (bearing in mind you are, and now you are choosing to live with a gay guy), so maybe you're worried that he'll start asking questions. If so, you'll have to decide whether or not to lie to him. I think you both deserve the truth.
I think your mother is putting you in a very unfair position by asking this of you. I would encourage you to give your father a chance to be fine with it
I agree with this OP, you need to put you first now not your parents' wishes. Think about what is bothering you more - perhaps telling your friend that you want him out when they're round, or having to live a lie to your Dad about your own sexuality?
It is sooo easy to say none of their business but it is still someone you love but you're doing them so favours by continually lying and you're not doing any favours to yourself by having to carry round the burden.
I don't think you should tell your friend to be out when your parents come round, I think you need to have a chat to your Mum, tell her that it's about time to let your Dad know - be it about your housemate or yourself. And then there will be no need to worry about his reaction when it's out in the open and everyone can be themselves.
who his son is.
I think that's way beyond "a bit offensive". You are moving in where someone else is already living, and you are thinking about asking them to not be around when you (for whatever reason) want them gone.
Your dad's issues are his problem; your problem only because you let them be, and now you want to make them into your flatmate's problem. How far do you want to go - if there's a landline, is your flatmate to be forbidden to answer the phone in case his voice is too camp? Will you want a clearout of anything suspiciious before your parents visit?
Unless you want to remain in the closet all of his life, your father will have to find out sometime. Do you want to make things worse by years of deceit?
^^ exactly.
You have to find the right time to do it but you must tell your dad the truth about who you are otherwise these lies and this scenario are always going to keep coming up. People who say "it's non of their business" whether you tell them or not probably haven't had the guts to tell their parents either or never will have to. Trust me once you do it it's a weight off your mind and how they react to it is their issue, good or bad.
You'd be surprised at how your own fears about peoples reactions to you coming out rarely ever match how people actually react to you. My dad reacted with indifference when I told him and my mum flipped out, as did my sister. I told them all to get lost then and I've not looked back since.
Never be ashamed of who you are.
And moving in with someone gay only compounds the lying thats already going on.
And when it does eventually reveal itself, your Dad will be most hurt.
It's entirely up to you who you tell about your being gay, and there is no onus on you to tell anyone, but you can't be dragging other people into this.
I think it would be extremely offensive to ask your flatmate to not be there. And if you want to tell your father, tell him.
This ^^ Or are you thinking of keeping this a secret until he's dead? That will probably be quite some time, so good luck with that.