Advice needed

[Deleted User] · 08/10/11 - 00:10

Basically when I was in school a girl two years younger than me had a serious issue with me and would constantly point and laugh despite not having done anything at all to her or even recognising who she was. This went on for years, but in my final year of school it got a fair bit worse when she got numerous others "in on the joke", where a bunch of people took the piss out of me for being gay, threw crayons at me and the like. I'm also pretty sure she knocked on my house door once and ran away. There are basically a ton of examples I could choose from but I won't get in to that.

I'm currently in my second year of university and don't even live in the same part of the country as her, and I'm at a point right now where I've essentially been convincing myself to think about her and the way I felt back in school as a way of torturing myself. For example, I don't watch specific films and television shows anymore because I've forced myself to think about this one girl when watching them in order to ruin the experience for me. Another example would be how when I go on nights out I convince myself to think about her. Likewise when I'm home whenever I leave the house part of me worries that I'm going to run into her (I ran into her 3 times over the summer, one time was particularly humiliating). I'm also getting the idea into my head that she'll be coming to the same university I'm at next year. Earlier this evening it became absolutely ridiculous, where I was considering not making a Facebook photo my profile picture because I'm wearing a cardigan in it that I wore when I once ran into her.

I don't even know what advice I'm looking for really. This girl means absolutely nothing to me, what's even worse is she probably gives me no thought whatsoever whereas I think about her every day. I wouldn't even say she bullied me, yet I for some reason can't just forget. I'm happy at uni, I had a great fresher year and have plenty of friends who keep me occupied. Eugh, I just feel like a complete idiot for even making this thread. All I want to do is forget that she even exists and worry about the actual problems I'm having in life. I'm worried that I'm going to hit 30 and still be craving for revenge on a random school girl.

sadoldbird · 08/10/11 - 00:24

I am absolutely sure that she gives you no thought whatsoever. She will have blanked you from her mind. Because otherwise, she would have to recognise that she was and maybe still is a nasty little piece of work.

I'm sure you've figured out already that the real problems were hers. Because, happy people don't behave like that.

Meanwhile, she has come to personify all of your insecurities. You neither asked for this or deserved it, but you have taken it on board anyway.

I'm not sure how to advise you cos I don't know you. The only thing I can suggest is what would work for me. And that would be to adopt a lalalalalala approach whenever I thought of her. That is, I wouldn't allow myself to dwell on thoughts of her.

And keep reminding yourself that this was not a nice happy person. Don't let a damaged person damage your life.

Take care.

[Deleted User] · 08/10/11 - 00:55

I totally agree with what sadoldbird has said about this girl personifying all your problems. She isn't the issue it is what she represents.

Why are you trying to torture yourself? Are old insecurities resurfacing? Are you avoiding your other worries by focusing on her?

Almost all of us had bullies or some kind in school and it can be very hard getting over the way they made you feel. I used to plan out what I would say if I bumped into any of the people that made my life miserable when I was a kid but I never really have. It's as if I needed to show them that I'm not scared of them anymore. I needed closure on the whole thing and to have my say like I couldn't when I was in school. I have had to learn that it was all in the past and they were just kids who saw me as an easy target.

Does your uni have any kind of student couselling that you could perhaps look into to talk this through with someone. Its nothing to be ashamed of and could help you to change the way you have trained your mind to work about this issue.

Just think she is just some div that used to give you a hard time because she was so insecure about herself. You have moved on and have a great life with great friends and a great future. Karma is a B and she will get hers somewhere down the line.

One thing that may help is to write a letter as if you are writing to her saying all the things she did and what you would like to say to her (obviously DO NOT send it to her lol). It just may help you feel like you have closure so that you can move on.

Abbasolutely 40 · 08/10/11 - 10:47

I am saddened to read this .You are torturing yourself for a reason , a bit like self harm maybe ?
You need to see this girl and her cronies as not even worth your thoughts ,you are far better than them .You are wrth loving , love yourself and to hell with the bitches .
Try to seek help so you can see this and move forward with thougths of these little wagons disturbing you .
You can make a choice not to allow her get into your head , everytime you want to bring her into your thoughts train your brain to see her with a hat on her head saying "I am a bitch " and silly little girls clothes and socks and shoes .Or something on that line that will train your head to see her as the nobody that she is .

flagpole · 08/10/11 - 11:01

i know this is easier said than done. but by thinking about her you are letting her win. I'm sure she has moved on and you need to too. if you can't do this by yourself, and Abbasolutely has some good advice, i'm sure your university has some counselling services that are qualified to help. My simplistic point of view would be that it's probably not even about her any more, it's just a mechanism that you are using internally. but what do i know.

MrYogiKarma · 08/10/11 - 11:02

I'm sorry you're beating yourself up.

The next time she pops into your head. Just tell yourself, she's a nasty bitch and she'll treat others the same way, not just you

What would you say to another one of her victims if they asked your advice? I hope you'd say ignore her, she'll make her own bed and people will see her for what she really is.

people like her have their own issues and problems, they make others feel bad to make themselves feel better, not only to others but to themselves.

whackyracer · 08/10/11 - 11:14

There were some terrible bullies in my school. I hadn't seen them for years, but when I returned to my home town a few years ago, I discovered one had become pregnant at 15 and then again at 16&17, her parents bad disowned and she was living in some sort of hostel, one had become a junkie and the other was living with an abusive boyfriend. My point is, these bullies of yours probably have so much serious stuff on their own to be dealing with, they 100% will not be giving you a second thought. What they did to you was awful, but they more than likely saw it as no more than a bit of fun and your expensive and probably won't even remember who you are, so do not waste the rest of your life punishing yourself for other people's issues. Whilst they are still in your thoughts and influencing your actions, you are still letting them win. Get some counselling to work through your issues, make positive changes and stop them dominating your future. Best of luck.

1fab · 08/10/11 - 11:14

The more you try not to think of something, the more you will think about it. The classic example is saying "Don't think about a big pink fluffy elephant." The first thing you think of is that pink elephant, right? So my advice here is not to try to stop thinking about her. But when a thought comes along, deal with it logically by reminding yourself that she's a pathetic idiot who has no power over you.

You are in control now; you are a fine person, stronger and more mature than when you were at school. You won't let anyone treat you like that from now on.

TWS · 08/10/11 - 13:28

I felt a bit like you over two girls who semi bullied me the occasional name call pointing laughing etc and i can guarantee they give you no thought at all they may if they come across you

one seems to have become a very nice person and is quite friendly will always say hello and ask how i am and about my life, i did threaten her after i left school when she tried to bully me in the street that i let her get away with it in school but wouldn't now she ran and now 15 years later nice as pie

The other one not sure if she is a nice person but she cannot even look me in the eye when she sees me always puts her head down so i assume she has grown up and is a bit ashamed of her actions.

But the best advice is to try and put it behind you and move on and make a good life for yourself its always the best form of revenge, also i think you have to release any hate you feel for the people as that makes you think of them, try to move on as much as possible as she is of no consequence to your current life or your future

Toggler · 08/10/11 - 14:37

FMs have given some wonderful advice and I think you need to know that most of us, even the most outwardly confident, have some sort of insecurities rattling around so don't think you are alone in this, and we all have different coping mechanisms.

People like the ones you describe will have probably treated others just the same, and won't even remember who they were.

Now you need to let go and probably get support to help you do so.

The two things I suggest you think about when she comes into your head are 'what goes around, comes around', and 'living well is the best revenge'.

Good luck and success, enjoy Uni

stud u like · 08/10/11 - 14:45

Just do what "Sarah" did to "Jareth" to get "Toby" back. Shout out "You have no power over me!"

myss · 08/10/11 - 15:27

flagpole wrote: »

i know this is easier said than done. but by thinking about her you are letting her win. I'm sure she has moved on and you need to too. if you can't do this by yourself, and Abbasolutely has some good advice, i'm sure your university has some counselling services that are qualified to help. My simplistic point of view would be that it's probably not even about her any more, it's just a mechanism that you are using internally. but what do i know.

This - especially the first sentence. I've not had the same experience as you OP but I have had some moments in my life where I've been treated unfairly and unfortunately there are times where flashbacks occurs of these moments. But I can't afford to make them to have anymore of an effect on me than a flashback. Sometimes OP just putting it in writing or talking about it is a way of airing the matter and putting it to back of your mind forever, I hope this works for you. If not you could have a heart-to-heart or even a 'good cry' on the shoulder of an understanding friend or partner, or - as others have suggested - having counselling. There's no shame in doing any of these steps if that is what is needed. Good luck.

[Deleted User] · 09/10/11 - 23:33

Just wanted to say a quick thanks for all your responses, have taken it all on board. Suppose it's just nice to actually hear it all from someone else.

Hey there!

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