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Ex-Boyfriend back in touch
Emmersonne
Posts: 4,532 Forum Member
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Hi DSers,
You may remember me from such threads circa 2010 as "My ex-boyfriend won't leave me alone".
My ex didn't take our breakup well and left letters for me at my office, on my car and at my house for months after we split up. He also turned up in person at these places to "speak" to me. I had so many instances of standing there re-iterating that we were over that I lost count. We originally tried to be friends, but by "friends", he meant "crack onto me the second he could, then cry and guilt me to take him back". Eventually, he left me alone.
Now he's back. I got a box of chocolates in the post and a letter, from him.
The letter was full of minute details from our last ever row, apologising for obscure things that were said (and that I had to wrack my brain for, three years done the line). He finished by asking to be friends again.
I am despairing. I thought he was out of the picture and now he's back. I told him firmly but kindly a hundred times that I didn't want to get back together, and getting him to accept that the first time was exhausting and very depressing after a while.
I feel I've tried everything, from being firm but fair to saying "look, this is going too far - I will go to the police if you don't stop". I'm now at a loss.
My immediate instinct is to ignore this latest missive and hope it goes away, but I think I know that it won't.
Help?
You may remember me from such threads circa 2010 as "My ex-boyfriend won't leave me alone".
My ex didn't take our breakup well and left letters for me at my office, on my car and at my house for months after we split up. He also turned up in person at these places to "speak" to me. I had so many instances of standing there re-iterating that we were over that I lost count. We originally tried to be friends, but by "friends", he meant "crack onto me the second he could, then cry and guilt me to take him back". Eventually, he left me alone.
Now he's back. I got a box of chocolates in the post and a letter, from him.
The letter was full of minute details from our last ever row, apologising for obscure things that were said (and that I had to wrack my brain for, three years done the line). He finished by asking to be friends again.
I am despairing. I thought he was out of the picture and now he's back. I told him firmly but kindly a hundred times that I didn't want to get back together, and getting him to accept that the first time was exhausting and very depressing after a while.
I feel I've tried everything, from being firm but fair to saying "look, this is going too far - I will go to the police if you don't stop". I'm now at a loss.
My immediate instinct is to ignore this latest missive and hope it goes away, but I think I know that it won't.
Help?
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Comments
Or, do you have some burly bloke friends that could go give him a friendly warning?
Unfortunately, the sneaky bugger sent it recorded delivery, and my dad signed for it (currently back living with my parents)
I personally think you should disregard it, but make sure you keep any evidence of him contacting you (letters/times and dates of calls etc.) Also, perhaps mention to family members and friends what is going on so they can support your and make sure you're safe.
Hopefully, if you ignore it then he will stop. If not, then I would wait until he has contacted you a few more times, then politely send him a message along the lines of ''I wish you well, but I've moved on with my life and wish to have no further contact with you. Please respect that.'' If he still bothers you after that, then you need to get the police involved (which is where evidence of him contacting you comes in.)
Obviously, I don't know the situation or his character. But I think you need to make sure you're safe. And the first time he shows up in person trying to talk to you, I think you need to call the police before the situation gets worse and potentially dangerous.
Woah, that's creepy, I very vaguely remember the original thread you had but not the detail. Did you have any involvement with the police at the time? This might be one of those occasions where you phone them and tell them you don't want any action taking but you want it logged that this unwanted contact has happened. Then shred the letter, scoff the chocolates and don't respond to him.
This has the hallmarks of stalking going on, and no matter what you do to make him see wrong or right he'll be obsessing about the whole thing as soon as you make any return contact so I really wouldn't open the lines back with him. Instead hopefully you won't hear back from him again (or at least not for a while) if you don't reply, but if you do and it becomes a problem you can pick the phone up to the police and remind them the original incident was logged.
This is right in character, he used to pull the ploy of suddenly getting defensive and acting as though he hadn't been being aggressive (when he had) and acting as though the other person was being unreasonable by insinuating that he was.
And CitySlicker, unfortunately no, I don't think I ever registered anything with the police. I sent him a "cease and desist" letter which I kept for a while, but have since thrown away (very foolishly)
I notice from that thread you sent him a harassment and distress letter by recorded post so he knows his actions were causing you distress. From what stumblebum advised back then it appears there may be a case to charge him with harassment.
I am absolutely fuming with myself for throwing away the "evidence", including the proof of receipt for my cease and desist letter. Ironically I did it within the last few weeks whilst I was having a clear out.
I genuinely don't like the sound of that....why send it recorded?
I wouldn't worry about that too much, what I would do is call the police and tell them what's happened up to now, tell them you have sent recorded delivery proof to cease his actions, tell them although you haven't the proof any more you can link them to this forum and what you wrote in 2010. Ask if they can do anything with this - that might be enough for them to pay him a visit. It's possible a police visit could be enough to stop him in his tracks.
My immediate guess is that I employed a tactic of ignoring him, previously.
His way around this was to turn up in person or hand deliver things. Once he sent concert tickets to me with a note about what time he would pick me up that evening. ON THE ACTUAL DAY so I couldn't post them back.
I went and posted them back through his door in person, knowing he was at work, with a note saying I wasn't going, and that I would report him for harassment if he came to my house.
After sending me back a "wounded" sounding letter about how unreasonable I was and how crazy I was to think he was "harassing" me, he quietened down for a bit.
Eventually he went quiet altogether when I sent him a cease and desist letter, said I'd kept a copy for evidence and NOT to contact me again, or I would report him.
He waited nearly 3 years to get in touch again, by which time I'd relaxed and got rid of all of the old stuff.
Controlling, stalking behaviour. Definitely log this with the police.
I think I'll call them tomorrow, first of all for official advice and then so that this is on the system.
My worry is, he's so good at playing innocent and acting like other people are unreasonable and making crazy accusations.
Still, I should have logged it before, so I will this time.
Yes, no trigger that I can tell.
My guess is that something has triggered this, maybe a breakup with another girlfriend, so he has reverted his attention back to you.
Indeed.
It is not reasonable of him to continue to be doing things that make you feel uncomfortable, and he knows makes you feel uncomfortable. Always remember that. Sending a box of chocolates and letter recorded delivery after everything that has happened in the past is - weird. Why would someone do that? If you log it and nothing else happens, great. If you log it and something else does, then you have a record with the police already about it.
This is what I am going to do, I think. And try to log the earlier incidents too.
Is it possible to become a lesbian through aversion to men? I'll be on my way after this.