Mother-in-Law (almost) advice - might be a bit stupid
lem ramsay
Posts: 1,076 Forum Member
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So, me and her don't get on at all. She treated me like crap and caused serious trouble between me and bf a few times. Now they both seem to think I am ok with her again. I am just tolerating her not to break the peace so to speak.
My problem is that she only texts me or tries to call me when she wants me to tell bf to call/text her or if she wants to know about him. Apparently she likes me, though (that's what she has bf believe) and even calls me "dear" when bf is around. Sometimes she will make it sound like she wants to know about me, but 99% of the time she gets in contact is because of him in the end. There is never a text she sends me where she doesn't stick him into it. Obviously she doesn't do the same in her texts to him. He's got a phone and I don't certainly stop him from talking/texting her. I don't want her to get in contact with me in her phony way (pretending to be interested in how I am, when really she wants to know about her son only) and I don't wanna be used like this. I have been tolerating this for a long time, but after all the history with her, even this petty thing is annoying the hell out of me.
Bf knows I can't stand her. I told her something and asked her please not to tell bf. She "casually" mentioned it to him via text and he had a go at me. So I am not even gonna kick up a fuss about it now (he can't see the way she treats me), I have decided to pretend she doesn't exist.
The thing is today she called my phone and then texted me, practically ordering me to get bf to call her. I ignored her. If she wants to speak to him (and she doesn't have anything urgent to tell him, I can assure you from past experiences as well), she can wait when he feels like answering his own phone. I am tired of her fakeness towards me. She left a voicemail a few hours later, asking me to get him to call her (he had gone to bed already anyway) and telling me she had texted me the same thing earlier. She sounded slightly annoyed. I can't believe she doesn't get that I don't wanna deal with her.
What am I? Their secretary?
My problem is this: do I keep ignoring her and not tell bf or do I cave in and tell him? I could also tell her I don't like her behaviour, but I can see her moaning at bf for that and getting me into trouble for sure.
She might tell him she tried to tell me to get him to call her but I could find an excuse, I think, for why I didn't tell him (hopefully). I know it sounds quite childish the whole thing, but I have my reasons to feel like this towards her.
Thanks in advance.
My problem is that she only texts me or tries to call me when she wants me to tell bf to call/text her or if she wants to know about him. Apparently she likes me, though (that's what she has bf believe) and even calls me "dear" when bf is around. Sometimes she will make it sound like she wants to know about me, but 99% of the time she gets in contact is because of him in the end. There is never a text she sends me where she doesn't stick him into it. Obviously she doesn't do the same in her texts to him. He's got a phone and I don't certainly stop him from talking/texting her. I don't want her to get in contact with me in her phony way (pretending to be interested in how I am, when really she wants to know about her son only) and I don't wanna be used like this. I have been tolerating this for a long time, but after all the history with her, even this petty thing is annoying the hell out of me.
Bf knows I can't stand her. I told her something and asked her please not to tell bf. She "casually" mentioned it to him via text and he had a go at me. So I am not even gonna kick up a fuss about it now (he can't see the way she treats me), I have decided to pretend she doesn't exist.
The thing is today she called my phone and then texted me, practically ordering me to get bf to call her. I ignored her. If she wants to speak to him (and she doesn't have anything urgent to tell him, I can assure you from past experiences as well), she can wait when he feels like answering his own phone. I am tired of her fakeness towards me. She left a voicemail a few hours later, asking me to get him to call her (he had gone to bed already anyway) and telling me she had texted me the same thing earlier. She sounded slightly annoyed. I can't believe she doesn't get that I don't wanna deal with her.
What am I? Their secretary?
My problem is this: do I keep ignoring her and not tell bf or do I cave in and tell him? I could also tell her I don't like her behaviour, but I can see her moaning at bf for that and getting me into trouble for sure.
She might tell him she tried to tell me to get him to call her but I could find an excuse, I think, for why I didn't tell him (hopefully). I know it sounds quite childish the whole thing, but I have my reasons to feel like this towards her.
Thanks in advance.
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Comments
He told her when they spoke yesterday, he was turning off his phone today (he didn't), so he might have not seen her texts/calls. She didn't try his phone at all.
Apart from this anyway, she has nothing urgent to say and it keeps happening.
I would just politely send her a text telling her to contact her son directly. After that message just ignore any future messages that are for him. Tell your bf you will be doing that so if he wants to hear from his mum he will have to answer his phone and messages and not rely on you to pass on the message all the time.
I personally think its odd that she uses you as a go between if things between her and her son are good (or at least she thinks so).
Once she texted me asking me to tell him to call her. She seemed to have something important to say. I told him she wanted him. He contacted her and she said: "I just wanted to sai hi really".
It might be all 3 things. It just annoys me that she texts me at odd times just for that, when she's not gonna have anything important to say to him!
I think if you plan a long-term future with your bf, then the only way to deal with this is a) let your boyfriend know of any stuff she does which is nasty or rude (this, IMO, isn't) and let him know how it makes you feel. And b) suck it up. Ignoring her or getting annoyed at her for something trivial like this isn't going to endear you to her. It's not fair maybe, but if you want her to be nice to you you'll have to win her over.
It's not unexpected or unusual for a mother to her her daughter in law and mention her son, he is after all the reason you are in contact, and it might be the only way she feels able to connect with you is over him. It's not necessary for her to do that when she's in contact with her son, but one would hope she's polite enough to ask about you every so often.
I don't see the harm in you replying to her text or call and letting her know he's asleep and he;ll call her in the morning.
I just got a new number with a contract, so I can't get a new one. I wasn't gonna give it to her, but she insisted. Bf isn't gonna accept me not wanting to speak to her, at least not without getting angry.
I would say to him please answer your mother's texts/calls because I do not want to be a go-between.
Then leave them to it.
Yeah this i agree with. Make it clear to both of them that that is the end of it. At least that way of either of them moans about it you can say that you did warn them.
I dont think its too much to ask. Its not as if you are saying you dont want your bf to speak to her, you just dont want to be messenger all the time.
Your reply is very sensible, but I don't want her to be friends with me, I want her to stop contacting me. Her text today was worded in a bossy way as well. "I wanna speak to him. Get him to call me". A friend of mine agreed it was like she was ordering me to do it.
She never wants to have a chat with me (consider she acts like she likes me blah blah blah), she always gets in touch about her son. I am probably overreacting, but she hurt me too much in the past and she just makes me argue with bf.
Right, so just tell her you don't want her to contact you, then that's it - don't engage with her from thereon. Problem solved.
I agree with this. OP, I'm sorry, but based on what you have written you sound very unreasonable and quite rude. If you are planning a life with your boyfriend you will have to be polite to his mother. It's not too much to ask to respond to her text and tell her he's asleep. You will just have to suck it up and show some respect even if you can't stand her.
She is the first to have been rude to me (calling me names yes, for example). I won't list all the stuff she did, it's too much. I've never insulted her or been rude (blunt yes sometimes, but I have never verbally abused anyone). She doesn't respect my wish not to speak on the phone - she knows I hate talking on the phone. When we had an argument, she intentionally wound me up and called me and demanded that I called her back (when I was angry because of her deeds) to ask me something she could have asked boyfriend. It was about him anyway. She seemed not to get why I didn't wanna talk to her after bf almost pushed me down the stairs cos of her. She wanted me to get upset. She likes me so much that when I told her what almost happened, she texted him wondering why he hadn't called her since it was Mother's day. I could have been killed really.
She called his phone and I use mine for tethering so it has to be on if I wanna go online.
As some have said just tell them both to contact each other and that you won't have anything to do with it, and leave them to it.
Good luck
I am just tired of being used as a secretary by his mum, who's nice to me in his eyes, when she isn't and she just pretends with him.
Sometimes I can't believe her cheek. She messages me at the most absurd times to ask me if he's home or at work for example (something she would have had all the time to ask me at a more normal time or that she could have asked HIM). She gets her reply, I hear no more from her.
Not to mention when she messages me asking me how he is, not even bothering to ask how I am too. She can ask him directly.
BIB: Sorry, but your mother in law isn't the only problem here! Seriously, this isn't acceptable behaviour.
She was told this in the last thread she posted about this subject. Some very good advice was given but obviously wasn't taken.