This subject really riles me. One of the girls who works with me is in a relationship with a lad from work. They have been together almost a year. She goes nuts if he mentions a girls name but thinks it is perfectly acceptable for her to receive texts from exes as well as very intimate photos on her phone, which she brags about. I could quite happily slap this stupid selfish little bitch. The only person these people care and think about are themselves. Tell her to get rid or you will. You deserve so much better.
The thing is, i'm a big boy, i'm not going to tell her who can be her friend and who cant. I have female friends too, of course it can be purely platonic. The reality is, i'm also a guy. I know how single guys can get, wanting to get in touch with an ex on the off chance she's 'single'. It's easier than going out and pulling a stranger. My worry is, she's encouraging it.
I can understand this guy getting in touch, if he's really an old friend, for whatever reason, a catch up, a phone call. But texting every day?
Oh yes, and she hates it if I have any contact with my ex.
The thing is, i'm a big boy, i'm not going to tell her who can be her friend and who cant. I have female friends too, of course it can be purely platonic. The reality is, i'm also a guy. I know how single guys can get, wanting to get in touch with an ex on the off chance she's 'single'. It's easier than going out and pulling a stranger. My worry is, she's encouraging it.
I can understand this guy getting in touch, if he's really an old friend, for whatever reason, a catch up, a phone call. But texting every day?
Oh yes, and she hates it if I have any contact with my ex.
The thing is, i'm a big boy, i'm not going to tell her who can be her friend and who cant. I have female friends too, of course it can be purely platonic. The reality is, i'm also a guy. I know how single guys can get, wanting to get in touch with an ex on the off chance she's 'single'. It's easier than going out and pulling a stranger. My worry is, she's encouraging it.
I can understand this guy getting in touch, if he's really an old friend, for whatever reason, a catch up, a phone call. But texting every day?
Oh yes, and she hates it if I have any contact with my ex.
But by constantly questioning her, you are. She's been texting someone, you see a message on her phone and immediately go to "do I need to worry?" and then FB stalking the guy to check up on him ... Then from his FB page you decided he was a player and have associated negative reasons for the contact between him and your gf.
Even from the last part of your paragraph you're basically showing that you don't trust your gf not to "encourage" him, based on the fact you are a guy and "know what they're like". My question is, if you're this distrustful of your gf's motives either end it or sit down and explain that actually, despite what you said before, you *do* mind her talking to her exes and would prefer that she didn't and see what she says.
As for your last paragraph, I do think it's hypocritical for her not to want you to speak to your ex while she speaks with hers ... However, at least she has been upfront and honest about it, instead of saying she's okay with it when she isn't, like you did.
But by constantly questioning her, you are. She's been texting someone, you see a message on her phone and immediately go to "do I need to worry?" and then FB stalking the guy to check up on him ... Then from his FB page you decided he was a player and have associated negative reasons for the contact between him and your gf.
Even from the last part of your paragraph you're basically showing that you don't trust your gf not to "encourage" him, based on the fact you are a guy and "know what they're like". My question is, if you're this distrustful of your gf's motives either end it or sit down and explain that actually, despite what you said before, you *do* mind her talking to her exes and would prefer that she didn't and see what she says.
As for your last paragraph, I do think it's hypocritical for her not to want you to speak to your ex while she speaks with hers ... However, at least she has been upfront and honest about it, instead of saying she's okay with it when she isn't, like you did.
It's very easy for someone on the outside to criticise someone for checking up on another person however the OP's actions are a pretty natural and human reaction to distrust, which the OP clearly has fallen into.
From the original post, where the distrust appears to have originated is valid. This wasn't just some ex, this was as the OP clearly stated, an ex who she would constantly bounce back to if relationships went wrong and appears to be someone who exists dominantly in the background.
That would unnerve or make a lot of people feel uncomfortable, male and female. Couple that with continual late night conversations and things. a lot of people both male and female could easily start to have doubts.
The OP's GF also lied about contact with the ex. Which will do nothing but exasperate the trust issue.
From the OP's original description of the GF and ex's relationship it does not sound a healthy one. If the GF had came here asking advice on that relationship (with her ex) I think there would be a trend to the replies and I think we all know what they would be.
Rebound ex's are rarely healthy and are often destructive. Ex's hanging around where there has been very recent romances are also seldom particularly healthy or constructive to a new relationship.
You also have to keep in mind that while some people are naturally distrusting and have trust issues, one can also create issues of trust.
This newer occurrence also cannot be taken on it's own, it's part of a greater story and appears more of the same but with a different person. If I have read the OP correctly, it reads as though this friend was an old friend who came back onto the scene recently and into her life after a one night stand. I think most people would find that a bit rum if they were in that situation.
@OP
I don't get the impression that this is being fueled by a naturally distrusting disposition, I get the impression it's being caused by her creating and fueling it.
The lies kind of secure that for me. When someone is lying about things and hiding things, they have breached trust. I don't feel it's fair for someone to lie and hide things and then another person to criticise a lack of trust.
Also, I have a few thoughts on the type of verbal and conversational boundaries there are with these guys. There are a few things the OP has highlighted there which I think probably overstep the boundaries I think a lot of people could be uncomfortable with.
You of course will know deep down whether or not this is really the case, nobody here knows for sure whether you are Mr trust issues or she is creating the issue, we can only offer out interpretation of what you say at face value, you will know the answer yourself deep down.
You really need to discuss this fully with your GF, explain what you feel is and is not appropriate, what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable, whether she feels these guys are legitimate in her life. Then you can work out together whether there is a future for you.
But ultimately, if she is doing things that make you distrust her and won't be entirely open with you and will not reign it in and lay down clear boundaries with these guys if they remain in her life, or if you are naturally a distrusting person and you cannot get past that and begin to trust her then there will be no future for you.
My OH had a friendship with a female and I actually didn't dismiss it, but knew the friendship had go e on fr years. She herself was in a long term relationship. I for one ai t stupid and when they came round to the house he was very flirtatious and always talked about what they had done in the past. It was then I realised he was infatuated with her and it wasn't reciprocated. I did marry the guy, needless it didn't last long but he remained friends with her
I heard from her via Facebook about five years after we split. She married her long term bf and my ex hubby was invited to her wedding with new gf. She fell out big style with him as he said to her on her wedding day I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU. She was horrified and asked him to leave and removed him from her Facebook and asked if her and I could continue to be "friends" on Facebook. I said yes as long as she never became friends with him again. I did say to her that she was silly to assume that his friendship towards her was just friends, he wanted to be in her knickers end of.
I knew the moment I saw her he adored her, and for her bf how he kept his cool I have no idea. All I do know is, my former hubby will be devastated about losing her friendship more than losing me as a wife.
An ex is exactly that, and should remain so, its very dangerous waters
I think your girlfriend sounds needy, insecure and selfish. Or at the very least she is getting away with murder. And you are teaching her that you will tolerate it so why on earth would she stop.
I think you need to be honest with her. You need to sit her down and tell her that you are very uncomfortable with the idea that she's having so much contact with ex partners. These are not 'friends' - they are people she has had sex with and in my opinion that puts them in an entirely separate category from platonic male friends.
She gets a pay off from this contact - it makes her feel good about herself. But she is not being fair. It's completely unreasonable to expect you to put up with it.
Red flag - you are not ready to get married to this girl. She doesn't understand that having an exclusive relationship means just that - it excludes other intimate contact. And that doesn't just mean sex it means sharing of other intimacy and affection - by phone, facebook whatever. I warn you now that if you marry her the minute there is a problem in your relationship she will look outside of it for an emotional fix. And she will have someone lined up to move on to before she tells you anything about it. She doesn't get it - and until she does she isn't ready for marriage.
You are breaching her privacy - but for entirely understandable reasons. I doubt anyone would be able to resist the provocation you've had.
You are supposed to be her exclusive intimate relationship - she has no business texting men she had sex with before you unless there are children involved and even then the boundaries need to be firmly in place.
Don't be a mug about this - she might be lovely and everything that you want in a partner but she's not behaving well.
I think your girlfriend sounds needy, insecure and selfish. Or at the very least she is getting away with murder. And you are teaching her that you will tolerate it so why on earth would she stop.
I think you need to be honest with her. You need to sit her down and tell her that you are very uncomfortable with the idea that she's having so much contact with ex partners. These are not 'friends' - they are people she has had sex with and in my opinion that puts them in an entirely separate category from platonic male friends.
She gets a pay off from this contact - it makes her feel good about herself. But she is not being fair. It's completely unreasonable to expect you to put up with it.
Red flag - you are not ready to get married to this girl. She doesn't understand that having an exclusive relationship means just that - it excludes other intimate contact. And that doesn't just mean sex it means sharing of other intimacy and affection - by phone, facebook whatever. I warn you now that if you marry her the minute there is a problem in your relationship she will look outside of it for an emotional fix. And she will have someone lined up to move on to before she tells you anything about it. She doesn't get it - and until she does she isn't ready for marriage.
You are breaching her privacy - but for entirely understandable reasons. I doubt anyone would be able to resist the provocation you've had.
You are supposed to be her exclusive intimate relationship - she has no business texting men she had sex with before you unless there are children involved and even then the boundaries need to be firmly in place.
Don't be a mug about this - she might be lovely and everything that you want in a partner but she's not behaving well.
Just to say I totally agree - and also with Fiziz's long post which made some excellent points. These guys are not platonic friends, neither are they exes where 'all passion is spent' on both sides. One is the old flame she clearly is hasn't gotten over the other the ex where the relationship never really got off the ground. Unfinished business there - and that's always bad news in my experience.She is the kind of girl who keeps 'spare's in reserve so she will have have a guy around. Little wonder the OP is so paranoid about the texts!
Martin, I realise you're in love with this woman, but you are being a total mug. She's having her cake and eating it and what's worse is the fact you don't even seem to realise. Get some self respect.
Martin, I realise you're in love with this woman, but you are being a total mug. She's having her cake and eating it and what's worse is the fact you don't even seem to realise. Get some self respect.
I agree. No prob with being friends or on speaking terms with exes, but this takes the cake. I've never been on FB, but that should be enough to catch up with any updates. I personally would not be having it, but that's just me!
Generally, it's not right to invade another's privacy, but when she's taking you for a mug, you've got good reason to. Who knows what kind of texts she may have received from these guys and deleted?
If she's so in love with you and respected your feelings, she would not be entertaining these guys in the least. You're making excuses for her over and over! :rolleyes:
Amazing comments guys, really. Thanks for taking the time to get back to me.
Firstly, i'm not mr trust issues, I feel I have a genuine concern. She's not the kind of girl to go out and cheat on me for a one night stand, I'm worried she's seeking / having some kind of intimacy with these exes which isn't on.
We talked about it before, all those months ago and she understood how it made me feel. We've been living together for 6 months now and her parents are a second set to me. Everything is as perfect as I could possibly want from a relationship, apart from this problem. She'd openly admitted to me in the past she liked the attention but realised she needed to kerb it.
I'm no mug. As soon as I saw his name on her phone the other morning, I knew it'd been more than "oh he just messaged me on Facebook and wanted my number" as she told me. Perhaps she knew how it'd make me feel if she said she'd been in regular contact with him, I can understand that...I can also spot a 'playa' a mile off.
I know i'm making excuses for her as well as I know what catching up with an old friend entails. This guy isn't an old friend, he's putting the feelers out. The thing is, I don't want to make it into an issue if it's all completely innocent on her part due to her simply being a bit naive.
Amazing comments guys, really. Thanks for taking the time to get back to me.
Firstly, i'm not mr trust issues, I feel I have a genuine concern. She's not the kind of girl to go out and cheat on me for a one night stand, I'm worried she's seeking / having some kind of intimacy with these exes which isn't on.
We talked about it before, all those months ago and she understood how it made me feel. We've been living together for 6 months now and her parents are a second set to me. Everything is as perfect as I could possibly want from a relationship, apart from this problem. She'd openly admitted to me in the past she liked the attention but realised she needed to kerb it.
I'm no mug. As soon as I saw his name on her phone the other morning, I knew it'd been more than "oh he just messaged me on Facebook and wanted my number" as she told me. Perhaps she knew how it'd make me feel if she said she'd been in regular contact with him, I can understand that...I can also spot a 'playa' a mile off.
I know i'm making excuses for her as well as I know what catching up with an old friend entails. This guy isn't an old friend, he's putting the feelers out. The thing is, I don't want to make it into an issue if it's all completely innocent on her part due to her simply being a bit naive.
As has been said on here several times, she isn't naive. You need to take the rose tinted spectacles off because as much as you don't want to admit it, she is taking you for a mug. Sorry Martin, but that's what it seems like from everything you've said on here.
Amazing comments guys, really. Thanks for taking the time to get back to me.
Firstly, i'm not mr trust issues, I feel I have a genuine concern. She's not the kind of girl to go out and cheat on me for a one night stand, I'm worried she's seeking / having some kind of intimacy with these exes which isn't on.
We talked about it before, all those months ago and she understood how it made me feel. We've been living together for 6 months now and her parents are a second set to me. Everything is as perfect as I could possibly want from a relationship, apart from this problem. She'd openly admitted to me in the past she liked the attention but realised she needed to kerb it.
I'm no mug. As soon as I saw his name on her phone the other morning, I knew it'd been more than "oh he just messaged me on Facebook and wanted my number" as she told me. Perhaps she knew how it'd make me feel if she said she'd been in regular contact with him, I can understand that...I can also spot a 'playa' a mile off.
I know i'm making excuses for her as well as I know what catching up with an old friend entails. This guy isn't an old friend, he's putting the feelers out. The thing is, I don't want to make it into an issue if it's all completely innocent on her part due to her simply being a bit naive.
Stand firm. This is a threat to you. She is still playing you. Get her to dump any other players as a condition of your ongoing support x
1. Bastard. Actually have had to get Police involved to make him leave me alone. Would cross the street and leg it if I saw him coming. Text contact = reporting.
2. Very very very good friend, in close contact most days.
3. Alright. Can talk to and be civil/borderline friendly in a group scenario but don't really want to be friends.
I can't think of anything worse than conversing with any of my exes. They are all utter prats in their own special ways apart from one who is kind of okay but I certainly wouldn't be texting him.
My friend has an ex - they decided they were 'better as friends' and spend every good given moment together now. I think it's just odd
Stand firm. This is a threat to you. She is still playing you. Get her to dump any other players as a condition of your ongoing support x
I'm with Judge mental on her previous post - I myself have an ex on and off again for lets say 15 years now, he is kind of my fall back guy we aren't right for each other but I know he is always there and I myself used to text him when I wasn't happy in a current relationship or wanted some attention or the relationship was failing and I didn't want to be alone...
However I can honestly say that the guy I am with now I wouldn't think twice about texting the ex or even looking in his direction I honestly feel that I have finally resolved everything I had with him and will never go back as I am totally in love with my partner and other men just don't exist in this world
I think you need to be honest with her. You need to sit her down and tell her that you are very uncomfortable with the idea that she's having so much contact with ex partners. These are not 'friends' - they are people she has had sex with and in my opinion that puts them in an entirely separate category from platonic male friends.
She doesn't understand that having an exclusive relationship means just that - it excludes other intimate contact. And that doesn't just mean sex it means sharing of other intimacy and affection - by phone, facebook whatever.
You are supposed to be her exclusive intimate relationship - she has no business texting men she had sex with before you unless there are children involved and even then the boundaries need to be firmly in place.
Excellent points, esp the bit in bold which I think is the distinction that has to be made by the OP to his gf.
If you have spoken to her and told her how you feel about it, and she continues then she cannot think much of your feelings?
These are not friends as stated before they are people she had sex with and a relationship which she just cannot seem to let go. If the shoe was on the other foot she would, I guess also have a problem with it
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The thing is, i'm a big boy, i'm not going to tell her who can be her friend and who cant. I have female friends too, of course it can be purely platonic. The reality is, i'm also a guy. I know how single guys can get, wanting to get in touch with an ex on the off chance she's 'single'. It's easier than going out and pulling a stranger. My worry is, she's encouraging it.
I can understand this guy getting in touch, if he's really an old friend, for whatever reason, a catch up, a phone call. But texting every day?
Oh yes, and she hates it if I have any contact with my ex.
Let me guess her name is Victoria! :mad:
But by constantly questioning her, you are. She's been texting someone, you see a message on her phone and immediately go to "do I need to worry?" and then FB stalking the guy to check up on him ... Then from his FB page you decided he was a player and have associated negative reasons for the contact between him and your gf.
Even from the last part of your paragraph you're basically showing that you don't trust your gf not to "encourage" him, based on the fact you are a guy and "know what they're like". My question is, if you're this distrustful of your gf's motives either end it or sit down and explain that actually, despite what you said before, you *do* mind her talking to her exes and would prefer that she didn't and see what she says.
As for your last paragraph, I do think it's hypocritical for her not to want you to speak to your ex while she speaks with hers ... However, at least she has been upfront and honest about it, instead of saying she's okay with it when she isn't, like you did.
It's very easy for someone on the outside to criticise someone for checking up on another person however the OP's actions are a pretty natural and human reaction to distrust, which the OP clearly has fallen into.
From the original post, where the distrust appears to have originated is valid. This wasn't just some ex, this was as the OP clearly stated, an ex who she would constantly bounce back to if relationships went wrong and appears to be someone who exists dominantly in the background.
That would unnerve or make a lot of people feel uncomfortable, male and female. Couple that with continual late night conversations and things. a lot of people both male and female could easily start to have doubts.
The OP's GF also lied about contact with the ex. Which will do nothing but exasperate the trust issue.
From the OP's original description of the GF and ex's relationship it does not sound a healthy one. If the GF had came here asking advice on that relationship (with her ex) I think there would be a trend to the replies and I think we all know what they would be.
Rebound ex's are rarely healthy and are often destructive. Ex's hanging around where there has been very recent romances are also seldom particularly healthy or constructive to a new relationship.
You also have to keep in mind that while some people are naturally distrusting and have trust issues, one can also create issues of trust.
This newer occurrence also cannot be taken on it's own, it's part of a greater story and appears more of the same but with a different person. If I have read the OP correctly, it reads as though this friend was an old friend who came back onto the scene recently and into her life after a one night stand. I think most people would find that a bit rum if they were in that situation.
@OP
I don't get the impression that this is being fueled by a naturally distrusting disposition, I get the impression it's being caused by her creating and fueling it.
The lies kind of secure that for me. When someone is lying about things and hiding things, they have breached trust. I don't feel it's fair for someone to lie and hide things and then another person to criticise a lack of trust.
Also, I have a few thoughts on the type of verbal and conversational boundaries there are with these guys. There are a few things the OP has highlighted there which I think probably overstep the boundaries I think a lot of people could be uncomfortable with.
You of course will know deep down whether or not this is really the case, nobody here knows for sure whether you are Mr trust issues or she is creating the issue, we can only offer out interpretation of what you say at face value, you will know the answer yourself deep down.
You really need to discuss this fully with your GF, explain what you feel is and is not appropriate, what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable, whether she feels these guys are legitimate in her life. Then you can work out together whether there is a future for you.
But ultimately, if she is doing things that make you distrust her and won't be entirely open with you and will not reign it in and lay down clear boundaries with these guys if they remain in her life, or if you are naturally a distrusting person and you cannot get past that and begin to trust her then there will be no future for you.
I heard from her via Facebook about five years after we split. She married her long term bf and my ex hubby was invited to her wedding with new gf. She fell out big style with him as he said to her on her wedding day I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU. She was horrified and asked him to leave and removed him from her Facebook and asked if her and I could continue to be "friends" on Facebook. I said yes as long as she never became friends with him again. I did say to her that she was silly to assume that his friendship towards her was just friends, he wanted to be in her knickers end of.
I knew the moment I saw her he adored her, and for her bf how he kept his cool I have no idea. All I do know is, my former hubby will be devastated about losing her friendship more than losing me as a wife.
An ex is exactly that, and should remain so, its very dangerous waters
I think you need to be honest with her. You need to sit her down and tell her that you are very uncomfortable with the idea that she's having so much contact with ex partners. These are not 'friends' - they are people she has had sex with and in my opinion that puts them in an entirely separate category from platonic male friends.
She gets a pay off from this contact - it makes her feel good about herself. But she is not being fair. It's completely unreasonable to expect you to put up with it.
Red flag - you are not ready to get married to this girl. She doesn't understand that having an exclusive relationship means just that - it excludes other intimate contact. And that doesn't just mean sex it means sharing of other intimacy and affection - by phone, facebook whatever. I warn you now that if you marry her the minute there is a problem in your relationship she will look outside of it for an emotional fix. And she will have someone lined up to move on to before she tells you anything about it. She doesn't get it - and until she does she isn't ready for marriage.
You are breaching her privacy - but for entirely understandable reasons. I doubt anyone would be able to resist the provocation you've had.
You are supposed to be her exclusive intimate relationship - she has no business texting men she had sex with before you unless there are children involved and even then the boundaries need to be firmly in place.
Don't be a mug about this - she might be lovely and everything that you want in a partner but she's not behaving well.
I agree. No prob with being friends or on speaking terms with exes, but this takes the cake. I've never been on FB, but that should be enough to catch up with any updates. I personally would not be having it, but that's just me!
Generally, it's not right to invade another's privacy, but when she's taking you for a mug, you've got good reason to. Who knows what kind of texts she may have received from these guys and deleted?
If she's so in love with you and respected your feelings, she would not be entertaining these guys in the least. You're making excuses for her over and over! :rolleyes:
One thing I would say for sure is that she's not naïve, and she wants this kind of attention from guys otherwise they wouldn't bother...
Firstly, i'm not mr trust issues, I feel I have a genuine concern. She's not the kind of girl to go out and cheat on me for a one night stand, I'm worried she's seeking / having some kind of intimacy with these exes which isn't on.
We talked about it before, all those months ago and she understood how it made me feel. We've been living together for 6 months now and her parents are a second set to me. Everything is as perfect as I could possibly want from a relationship, apart from this problem. She'd openly admitted to me in the past she liked the attention but realised she needed to kerb it.
I'm no mug. As soon as I saw his name on her phone the other morning, I knew it'd been more than "oh he just messaged me on Facebook and wanted my number" as she told me. Perhaps she knew how it'd make me feel if she said she'd been in regular contact with him, I can understand that...I can also spot a 'playa' a mile off.
I know i'm making excuses for her as well as I know what catching up with an old friend entails. This guy isn't an old friend, he's putting the feelers out. The thing is, I don't want to make it into an issue if it's all completely innocent on her part due to her simply being a bit naive.
1 - get some mates to text you and when it bleeps tell her its your ex - she has zero grounds to complain !
2- Tell her she has to get a new number and exes are not allowed to have it !
3- Leave the situation
Stand firm. This is a threat to you. She is still playing you. Get her to dump any other players as a condition of your ongoing support x
So, it varies (not always as drastically as that)
My friend has an ex - they decided they were 'better as friends' and spend every good given moment together now. I think it's just odd
I'm with Judge mental on her previous post - I myself have an ex on and off again for lets say 15 years now, he is kind of my fall back guy we aren't right for each other but I know he is always there and I myself used to text him when I wasn't happy in a current relationship or wanted some attention or the relationship was failing and I didn't want to be alone...
However I can honestly say that the guy I am with now I wouldn't think twice about texting the ex or even looking in his direction I honestly feel that I have finally resolved everything I had with him and will never go back as I am totally in love with my partner and other men just don't exist in this world
Excellent points, esp the bit in bold which I think is the distinction that has to be made by the OP to his gf.
These are not friends as stated before they are people she had sex with and a relationship which she just cannot seem to let go. If the shoe was on the other foot she would, I guess also have a problem with it