I wonder how long this thread will continue for with people just reading the OP and hitting "Add Reply" without reading anything else ..
Quite.
I don't see any point in joining in a serious discussion if it is going to be hijacked and derailed by people who can't even be bothered to read the rest of the thread.
Or, worst still, have such a bullish and unsympathetic approach to make me question why on earth they are even bothering posting in 'Advice' in the first place.
It's fortunate that vintage_girl appears to be resilient and switched on, otherwise some of these replies would be quite damaging.
I've got a word of caution for the OP. If your husband does lose weight I would be very careful about making a big deal out of it. Whilst it's great to say to him that he's gorgeous and you find him really sexy I would be very careful never to imply that you find him more attractive once he's got thin.
I once lost weight because my husband was forever making comments about fat being unattractive and pointing out plump girls on TV and commenting on their weight as a less than subtle dig at me.
Once I'd lost the weight I felt really angry with him that he was so shallow as to suddenly be interested in me again because I was slim. The resentment turned me against him and we split.
People need to know that they are loved and desired for who they are not the size of their waistline. If I felt I was unattractive to my partner when I put on a few pounds I wouldn't want to be with him - I'd consider that a failing on his part. Being able to be yourself and knowing you are loved for yourself is enormously important to a feeling of security in a relationship.
I don't have a problem with the OP's honesty that she doesn't like her husband so heavy - but be prepared for the consequences that can have.
Trying to encourage someone to lose weight is totally counterproductive. And I'm far from convinced that it's ever about concern over someone's health as much as an entirely selfish issue about aesthetics.
Are people supposed to read a seven page thread before replying?
Yes
Otherwise how do you know that others haven't made exactly the same point you were planning to make - or the OP hasn't come back and made a further contribution.
It's like joining in a conversation at the end without paying attention to what the others have been saying - a bit rude in other words.
Who cares if someone's already made the point? Just skip over the post, most people have better things to do than read 150 posts!
In that case, why do you read and post in the Advice forum? Why not spend time doing things which you feel would be a better use of your time?
Some posters have made really excellent contributions on this thread and offered genuine advice and help to the OP. You might not know vintage_girl personally, but at the very least she deserves respect.
Proper advice should, after all, be a conversation between the person looking for help and the person/s offering to listen and give suggestions/support/advice. By just jumping in at the end of this conversation you miss context and risk making a situation worse.
Are people supposed to read a seven page thread before replying?
It would be prudent to at least read the last one or two pages of a thread before offering an opinion, if only to save yourself the embarrassment of replying to a problem that's since been resolved.
Thanks again everyone, although I don't have time to reply to everyone individually (up early tomorrow) I've read every post. All the nice replies are appreciated, and even the not so nice ones too, as it's good to see things from the other side. The last couple of days have been good and although things won't get solved overnight it's a good start.
I wonder how long this thread will continue for with people just reading the OP and hitting "Add Reply" without reading anything else ..
I read it all, but frankly what I was trying to say I'd rather someone dumped me than tried to change me. Thats my perspective. My older sister's first husband left her after she failed to lose her baby weight after twins with the comment - lose some weight because I might take you back its not like anyone else will want you. 6 months later she had found someone else who treats her like a princess, never moaned about her weight and just told her he loved her fatter or thinner. They have been happily marrried now for years and she lost her weight just because she was happy.
I really believe that if she finds her partner less attractive because he got heavier he's not the one for her or vice-versa. If you age together what will the wrinkles do? You love the inside and if the outside blinds that then you don't love the inside enough.
I read it all, but frankly what I was trying to say I'd rather someone dumped me than tried to change me. Thats my perspective. My older sister's first husband left her after she failed to lose her baby weight after twins with the comment - lose some weight because I might take you back its not like anyone else will want you. 6 months later she had found someone else who treats her like a princess, never moaned about her weight and just told her he loved her fatter or thinner. They have been happily marrried now for years and she lost her weight just because she was happy.
I really believe that if she finds her partner less attractive because he got heavier he's not the one for her or vice-versa. If you age together what will the wrinkles do? You love the inside and if the outside blinds that then you don't love the inside enough.
I actually think the boyfriend deserves better.
I can see your point but I think it depends how much weight the boyfriend has put on. If its just a small amount that's fine but if he is like 22 stone then it might make sexual relations very unpleasant. One of my friends has a husband who is grossly overweight and do wonder how she enjoys sex with him because I couldn't have sex with anyone that big ... sorry if that offends any fatties on here but that's how I feel.
It would be prudent to at least read the last one or two pages of a thread before offering an opinion, if only to save yourself the embarrassment of replying to a problem that's since been resolved.
Dearie me, some folk have a high opinion of their own opinion.
So, are these new rules made up by you and who else ?
Ive not read all 7 pages of this thread but I was in the same situation.... or similar to the OP's fella.
I see that the OP has come back to say they have sorted stuff out but will offer my 2 cents as the 'other half'... for anyone else in a similar situation.
I have put on a fair amount of weight since meeting my partner. Although I have not been a slim guy since I was a teen, I was at least a little slimmer when I met my wife. The last couple of years though, my work became less active and I was driving a lot and ate more food.... generally junk food and lots of sweets, crisps and chocolate.
The wife has been on at me recently to lose weight, shes done it in a nice way though (or at least I thought it was) and eventually I have seen sense. Its not that I was fed up of her getting on at me, I realised that she was right.
So, this last few months ive tried to cut out as much junk as I can and am far more aware of what calories etc are in food/snacks and try to avoid chocolate/crisps etc now. Ive lost over a stone just by cutting out most of the junk. I do need to do more though.
But, by getting on at your fella, you could make it worse, especially if he comfort eats. Its a viscious circle, feel down, comfort eat, you nag him he feels worse so eats more. Also, eating rubbish food makes you feel tired and lathargic so no wonder he hasnt got the energy to go to the gym.
Get the MyFitnessPal app for smartphones. It can track the number of calories your eating (has a huge database of foods) and will suggest a number of calories he should stick to. Just seen the amount of your allowance that some foods takes up was enough for me to cut down. If I want a snack, Ill try to eat fruit or a low cal snack. Have stopped drinking as much Costa Latte's now while on the road as they are a lot of calories.
People need to lose weight cos they want to, not because you want them to.
4.5 billion years of evolution have created a creature with the ability to have a higher state of conscious awareness. We have looked inward and discovered ourselves, we have traveled far beyond any other animal, and we have witnessed the first steps into the great universe as we travel on our path to some even greater being.
So great is it then, when some frump barns on about hubby getting tubby. Let the man eat his 8th pack of jaffa cakes in peace. Also, get a hobby or something, too much time on your hands.
4.5 billion years of evolution have created a creature with the ability to have a higher state of conscious awareness. We have looked inward and discovered ourselves, we have traveled far beyond any other animal, and we have witnessed the first steps into the great universe as we travel on our path to some even greater being.
So great is it then, when some frump barns on about hubby getting tubby. Let the man eat his 8th pack of jaffa cakes in peace. Also, get a hobby or something, too much time on your hands.
First world problems, if you don't like, get off this forum.
It's not as clear cut as that. As I said I still love him as a person and want to be with him, but attraction is important.If he was this weight when we met then I probably wouldn't have gone out with him. Would you stand by and watch someone you love get unhealthy, knowing that he'll get obese if he carries on like that? I'm not expecting him to look like a supermodel, just be healthier. It's so easily done, and it would be madness to throw away an otherwise good relationship.
Am sorry, but this comment is completely shallow IMO so basically to you he has to be attractive? And if he was that size you wouldn't have went for him? Has his personality changed as well as I am sure he's still the same person just heavier? Is the real reason maybe that your embarrassed by him because he is bigger and fear your friends will talk about you?
Oh and if you change his meals then he would lose weight without exercise!!!!!! You don't need to exercise to lose weight!!!!! You can cut out unhealthy stuff and have portion control and lose weight......it's a proven fact exercise helps yes, but god he doesn't need to be at the gym 3 times a week to please you. ( I have lost nearly a stone doing that since January)
Fair enough you say you still love him, but "looks" aren't everything and maybe look at that person inside you fell In love with!
See if a man had wrote this post he would get pelters :rolleyes:
How would feel btw if he asked you to lose weight because you put weight on?
Let me be blunt now ... I don't believe that fat people are happy with themselves. Who would be? You can't fit in your clothes and other people can be rude to you. Take Dawn French ... yes she is funny woman but she wasn't happy being fat because she has now lost weight and looks and feels a lot better. I am not a thin person btw
Let me be blunt now ... I don't believe that fat people are happy with themselves. Who would be? You can't fit in your clothes and other people can be rude to you. Take Dawn French ... yes she is funny woman but she wasn't happy being fat because she has now lost weight and looks and feels a lot better. I am not a thin person btw
Maybe but how do you think it would feel if you were a slightly overweight person who lost weight then your partner was hinting at you to put the weight back on because they were attracted to you when you were fatter?
This situation is the same thing but in reverse but i bet there would be less people in support if someone wanted their partner to put on weight so they were more attractive to them.
Maybe but how do you think it would feel if you were a slightly overweight person who lost weight then your partner was hinting at you to put the weight back on because they were attracted to you when you were fatter?
This situation is the same thing but in reverse but i bet there would be less people in support if someone wanted their partner to put on weight so they were more attractive to them.
Maybe but how do you think it would feel if you were a slightly overweight person who lost weight then your partner was hinting at you to put the weight back on because they were attracted to you when you were fatter?
This situation is the same thing but in reverse but i bet there would be less people in support if someone wanted their partner to put on weight so they were more attractive to them.
That's because in the situation you describe, the partner would be wanting you to become unhealthier! That's not a good thing.
I know I'll get a lot of stick for this for being "shallow" but I'm at my wits' end. When I met my bf several years ago he was in reasonably good shape. He's always been broad with a slight belly, but he used to go to the gym and jog and he looked good.
Since we've settled down he's completely let himself go. He still eats big portions but hardly exercises and he's put on a lot of weight. His belly now hangs over his trousers and he has a double chin. I love him just as much as when he was in shape, and we have a great relationship, but the weight thing is really bothering me.
I've tried being subtle by going to the gym and asking if he wants to come along, but every time it's a struggle to convince him. And when we do get there he barely does anything. Then I tried the direct approach, while trying to be nice about it and that didn't work either. We've argued about it a few times since, and it's always the same. He gets sulky, then admits he does need to exercise. He'll go jogging for 20 minutes once a week for a while, then it fizzles out. And he keeps eating mountains of food.
I've always kept myself in shape and I exercise several times a week, so I really resent it that he's not bothered about himself anymore. I flinch when he takes his clothes off and really hate touching his belly. I know it sounds horrible, but I can't help it. I still love him as a person and want to be with him, but I worry that if he's like this in his early 20s, what will he be like in 10 years time?
I feel like I'm turning into a nag, always keeping on at him about healthy eating and exercising. I hate being like this and wish he'd take some responsibility for himself. I always feel really guilty as well, he's never said a bad word about my body and I know I'm not perfect either. But at the same time I'm aware that I'm in better shape than him and I don't want to be with someone who could potentially become obese in future.
I don't know what else to do, what would other people do? (Sorry for the long post)
Comments
Quite.
I don't see any point in joining in a serious discussion if it is going to be hijacked and derailed by people who can't even be bothered to read the rest of the thread.
Or, worst still, have such a bullish and unsympathetic approach to make me question why on earth they are even bothering posting in 'Advice' in the first place.
It's fortunate that vintage_girl appears to be resilient and switched on, otherwise some of these replies would be quite damaging.
I once lost weight because my husband was forever making comments about fat being unattractive and pointing out plump girls on TV and commenting on their weight as a less than subtle dig at me.
Once I'd lost the weight I felt really angry with him that he was so shallow as to suddenly be interested in me again because I was slim. The resentment turned me against him and we split.
People need to know that they are loved and desired for who they are not the size of their waistline. If I felt I was unattractive to my partner when I put on a few pounds I wouldn't want to be with him - I'd consider that a failing on his part. Being able to be yourself and knowing you are loved for yourself is enormously important to a feeling of security in a relationship.
I don't have a problem with the OP's honesty that she doesn't like her husband so heavy - but be prepared for the consequences that can have.
Trying to encourage someone to lose weight is totally counterproductive. And I'm far from convinced that it's ever about concern over someone's health as much as an entirely selfish issue about aesthetics.
Are people supposed to read a seven page thread before replying?
If you genuinely want to offer support/advice in the context of the problem which may, as in this case, be more complex than one post, then YES.
Yes
Otherwise how do you know that others haven't made exactly the same point you were planning to make - or the OP hasn't come back and made a further contribution.
It's like joining in a conversation at the end without paying attention to what the others have been saying - a bit rude in other words.
In that case, why do you read and post in the Advice forum? Why not spend time doing things which you feel would be a better use of your time?
Some posters have made really excellent contributions on this thread and offered genuine advice and help to the OP. You might not know vintage_girl personally, but at the very least she deserves respect.
Proper advice should, after all, be a conversation between the person looking for help and the person/s offering to listen and give suggestions/support/advice. By just jumping in at the end of this conversation you miss context and risk making a situation worse.
It would be prudent to at least read the last one or two pages of a thread before offering an opinion, if only to save yourself the embarrassment of replying to a problem that's since been resolved.
I read it all, but frankly what I was trying to say I'd rather someone dumped me than tried to change me. Thats my perspective. My older sister's first husband left her after she failed to lose her baby weight after twins with the comment - lose some weight because I might take you back its not like anyone else will want you. 6 months later she had found someone else who treats her like a princess, never moaned about her weight and just told her he loved her fatter or thinner. They have been happily marrried now for years and she lost her weight just because she was happy.
I really believe that if she finds her partner less attractive because he got heavier he's not the one for her or vice-versa. If you age together what will the wrinkles do? You love the inside and if the outside blinds that then you don't love the inside enough.
I actually think the boyfriend deserves better.
I can see your point but I think it depends how much weight the boyfriend has put on. If its just a small amount that's fine but if he is like 22 stone then it might make sexual relations very unpleasant. One of my friends has a husband who is grossly overweight and do wonder how she enjoys sex with him because I couldn't have sex with anyone that big ... sorry if that offends any fatties on here but that's how I feel.
Dearie me, some folk have a high opinion of their own opinion.
So, are these new rules made up by you and who else ?
I see that the OP has come back to say they have sorted stuff out but will offer my 2 cents as the 'other half'... for anyone else in a similar situation.
I have put on a fair amount of weight since meeting my partner. Although I have not been a slim guy since I was a teen, I was at least a little slimmer when I met my wife. The last couple of years though, my work became less active and I was driving a lot and ate more food.... generally junk food and lots of sweets, crisps and chocolate.
The wife has been on at me recently to lose weight, shes done it in a nice way though (or at least I thought it was) and eventually I have seen sense. Its not that I was fed up of her getting on at me, I realised that she was right.
So, this last few months ive tried to cut out as much junk as I can and am far more aware of what calories etc are in food/snacks and try to avoid chocolate/crisps etc now. Ive lost over a stone just by cutting out most of the junk. I do need to do more though.
But, by getting on at your fella, you could make it worse, especially if he comfort eats. Its a viscious circle, feel down, comfort eat, you nag him he feels worse so eats more. Also, eating rubbish food makes you feel tired and lathargic so no wonder he hasnt got the energy to go to the gym.
Get the MyFitnessPal app for smartphones. It can track the number of calories your eating (has a huge database of foods) and will suggest a number of calories he should stick to. Just seen the amount of your allowance that some foods takes up was enough for me to cut down. If I want a snack, Ill try to eat fruit or a low cal snack. Have stopped drinking as much Costa Latte's now while on the road as they are a lot of calories.
People need to lose weight cos they want to, not because you want them to.
That gave me a good chuckle, thankyou
So great is it then, when some frump barns on about hubby getting tubby. Let the man eat his 8th pack of jaffa cakes in peace. Also, get a hobby or something, too much time on your hands.
First world problems, if you don't like, get off this forum.
But I do like them, I like mocking them for what they are. Purely for my own amusement mind, I claim nothing else....
Am sorry, but this comment is completely shallow IMO
Oh and if you change his meals then he would lose weight without exercise!!!!!! You don't need to exercise to lose weight!!!!! You can cut out unhealthy stuff and have portion control and lose weight......it's a proven fact exercise helps yes, but god he doesn't need to be at the gym 3 times a week to please you. ( I have lost nearly a stone doing that since January)
Fair enough you say you still love him, but "looks" aren't everything and maybe look at that person inside you fell In love with!
See if a man had wrote this post he would get pelters :rolleyes:
How would feel btw if he asked you to lose weight because you put weight on?
No, he's just eating too much & not excercising enough.
Maybe but how do you think it would feel if you were a slightly overweight person who lost weight then your partner was hinting at you to put the weight back on because they were attracted to you when you were fatter?
This situation is the same thing but in reverse but i bet there would be less people in support if someone wanted their partner to put on weight so they were more attractive to them.
Que??
That's because in the situation you describe, the partner would be wanting you to become unhealthier! That's not a good thing.