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Hostility From Single Friends
I'm not really sure how to handle this situation and I can't seem to find any relevant advice online so I'm hoping someone will have a gem of brilliance to guide me!
I've been feeling a strong detachment from my three best friends of late.
To give a little background I'm in my mid-20's and have been with my girlfriend for just over a year - at the beginning of the year I started a new job.
Problems seemed to develop a couple of months ago when they all became single (two had been single for a year or so, one of them recent who had been in a particularly farcical match with a woman who he openly slated in front of us for several months prior to the break). Since then they have all adopted an extremely chauvanistic and - for want of a better word - aggressive attitude towards relationships with women. I feel that in a lot of ways they're egging each other on but cue a general attitude that all relationships are a waste of time/women are just objects. Anytime I have raised the possibility that there might be more to relationships with women I'm promptly shot down. And not in a banterous way either. Quite an aggressive way.
They also seem to have taken to no longer inviting me to most social occasions and in the last few weeks I've detected a strongly hostile vibe when I've been to the pub/played football with them. I feel it's important to clarify at this stage that whilst I now spend a lot of time with my girlfriend I certainly haven't abandoned them - I can't recall a week up until recently I didn't see them, I've been out for several nights out with them in the last few months and never missed a birthday in our group of friends.
There have been a couple of incidents over the past few months that have p*ssed me off to high hell and instead of wanting to repair I feel increasingly like I can no longer be bothered with them. It doesn't sound very macho but I feel quite hurt.
So what do I do? They've been my best friends since primary school and I don't want to end up as nobby no mates but I feel as if things are increasingly out of my hands.
Any thoughts?
I've been feeling a strong detachment from my three best friends of late.
To give a little background I'm in my mid-20's and have been with my girlfriend for just over a year - at the beginning of the year I started a new job.
Problems seemed to develop a couple of months ago when they all became single (two had been single for a year or so, one of them recent who had been in a particularly farcical match with a woman who he openly slated in front of us for several months prior to the break). Since then they have all adopted an extremely chauvanistic and - for want of a better word - aggressive attitude towards relationships with women. I feel that in a lot of ways they're egging each other on but cue a general attitude that all relationships are a waste of time/women are just objects. Anytime I have raised the possibility that there might be more to relationships with women I'm promptly shot down. And not in a banterous way either. Quite an aggressive way.
They also seem to have taken to no longer inviting me to most social occasions and in the last few weeks I've detected a strongly hostile vibe when I've been to the pub/played football with them. I feel it's important to clarify at this stage that whilst I now spend a lot of time with my girlfriend I certainly haven't abandoned them - I can't recall a week up until recently I didn't see them, I've been out for several nights out with them in the last few months and never missed a birthday in our group of friends.
There have been a couple of incidents over the past few months that have p*ssed me off to high hell and instead of wanting to repair I feel increasingly like I can no longer be bothered with them. It doesn't sound very macho but I feel quite hurt.
So what do I do? They've been my best friends since primary school and I don't want to end up as nobby no mates but I feel as if things are increasingly out of my hands.
Any thoughts?
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Comments
As soon as they find girlfriends themselves they'll drop the faux-macho act.
It seems a shame as you've been friends for so long,but it does sound a bit like you are starting to outgrow your friends.
You sound like a pretty nice guy,you're doing well at work and you've managed to maintain a healthy relationship.What's more,you actually sound as though you like women.
Perhaps now you're all maturing-clearly by the sound of your post at different speeds- the differences between you are becoming more obvious.
Of course no-one wants to end up with no mates,but maybe you will just have to face the fact that if they were real friends they would treat you with more respect.
Maybe it's worth trying to get one of them on their own sometime and trying to broach the subject-or is talking about your feelings a no-no aswell?
Ditto the others. Jealous, jealous, JEALOUS.
No wonder theyre egging each other on. They dont want to admit to each other or themselves that theyre desperate for a girlfriend. All this fronting will halt abruptly when one of them gets a gf...
Sounds like they need to grow up tbh...:rolleyes:
I'm sure once they find themselves girlfriends and settle down a bit, it'll be fine. In the meantime it might be a good idea to take a step back a little, not abandon them as such, but if you aren't getting along and detecting agressive vibes from them, cut down on the amount of time you spend with them.
Haha, I think you're right in that discussing is a no-no. Likely to kick things off rather than ease them.
I think maturing is probably the big issue here. I've never really thought about it like that - as friends go through cat and mouse catch-up's with each other regarding maturity - but perhaps I have just outgrown them and the gap is too wide now.
Sadly that happens sometimes.
My best friend of 17 years (we met in primary school) and I fell out just over a year ago. We'd been drifting apart for a while before that. We grew up to be entirely different people and just had nothing in common anymore. It broke my heart at first, but I think it was for the best, we're both far happier with new circles of friends.
Though don't write them off just yet, they may catch up before you have to give them the elbow once and for all!
I think you've hit it on the head to an extent there. I don't think they are jealous of me though in an obvious way.
I think their issue with women is more that they all had relationships where their actions played a major part in the break-ups. Rather than admitting perhaps they got things wrong they see the girlfriend and women in general as the problem.
Wise words to step back though
They need to get in touch with their feminine side - do you think that's likely to happen?
No chance. Like I said they're so hostile to any criticism of this attitude/unwilling to self examine I can't see how they'll get past this phase anytime soon.
Thanks though for all your advice guys - I don't come on here often of late but it's always a great place to get advice on just about anything!
Meanwhile I'm going to align myself more closely with some of the other chaps in the group who have a more level headed approach.
Thanks everyone!
Finding new mates who share your interests sound very sensible to me and let those who are troubling you to sort themselves out. It seems that they're the ones who have to come to terms with what is an inevitable change to circumstances but I suspect the more that they push you aside the more unhappy you'll become, and that can't be good for your new relationship. They'll catch up with you if they want to.