Sounds like he knows he can threaten to leave to get to do whatever he wants. More importantly though it sounds like he doesnt really care, does he do anything to show he cares ever?
The relationship wont ever work if you dont get a little balance back into it which i dont see how it can happen now.
As people have already said, youre already on your own, it looks like your best option is to ditch him and go single and feel better for your kids. That said, given your previous post you may be happy enough to sit in this state and just want to vent about it online.
The best opinion on what to do will come from you.
I know what I'd do. I'd sneak into his 'room' one day when he wasn't there and break his computer and webcam so then the perve couldn't do it again, oh and then I'd either leave or throw the bell end out!
You are currently in a FAR WORSE position than most single mums.
You have three young children and a really tedious, disrepectful adolescent as a partner.
This is what I was going to say.
OP: I understand your fears of being a single mum - but how could it be worse than this?
He doesn't help out anyhow & you have to cope with looking after him as well as your kids. On top of which he is constantly disrespecting you & making you feel like nothing.
How close are you to your family? Could you count on them for support if you left him?
Perhaps you could try to look around you for some kind of support network - friends, counsellor, some kind of mothers' group or support group etc.
You absolutely are strong enough to do it on your own - because you are already.
There are two sides to every story though - and believe me...most blokes ONLY do this if the other party is willing to participate. (it takes TWO!) and these teenage girls know full well and EXACTLY what they are doing...and they do not need any encouragement or protection.
Let's not go down that road you are thinking of because lots of teenage girls deliberately flaunt themselves on-line and get a thrill of the attention. If anything...THEY should be prosecuted for broadcasting illicit sexual activity - NOT the male in question! This is where the laws are totally screwed up! Teenage girls are definately NOT as innocent as they look and they laugh at these so called 'protection laws' and if anything I think it is the MALE population that actually needs protecting against these teenage girls that offer sex on a plate and know they can get away with it because of their age.
You seriously need to wake UP to reality...and so do these middle ages MP's who are way out of touch with society and make these alleged laws of which todays teenage girls are laughing at because they know they can get away with it!
Jeez....how outdated is this society? :rolleyes:
Call it all outdated if you like - but whatever way you look at it there's so,mething very dodgy abiout an older man going after teens. And if the teens in question are under age, then he's not only dodgy, he's breaking the law.
Thanks to everyone for your replies, it really helps..you are all so kind
I do believe he is like this now though as I suspect he was cheating on me for a few months this year and as far as I know he was dumped back in April and hasn't recovered..our sex life ended months ago because this person must have been amazing in bed and totally changed him, his sexual tastes changed and he was suddenly an expert at certain things yet for years he was never very experienced and I just had to touch off him to get him going you know
now he has to jerk off on webcam to younger women to get his kicks, our sex life was fine right up until January when he started to go out at odd hours and all the signs were there that he was with someone else, now his computer is his escape from his life
I will never ever tell anyone to leave their partner, i think its up to them, and i also like to think that every woman has some sense of right for herself and her children, i have never heard anything so disgusting in a long time, you live with this person and enable him to do this shit.
Get a grip and sort him out, he is freaky and perverted.
Just read your other thread, tell him to move out, dont let him take the pc, pack his things up and leave them at his parents or friends and get someone in to format your pc, he is not providing anything, no love or even support for you, so much so you are creeping down stairs to see what he is up to, obviously he is not spending time with his children either.
Why would any woman find an unemployed man with a family attractive, especially if they are on the internet all day and night?
Why would any woman find an unemployed man with a family attractive, especially if they are on the internet all day and night?
He is a single guy who lives on his own to these people online, he is a compulsive liar and a charmer too..he has me driven insane because he has messed with my head for years, I'm sure others are under his spell aswell
I went to bed earlier and I had to come back down as I could hear him whispering to someone and typing away..he is right under me and I'm a very light sleeper
There obviously is someone new he is chatting to online as he is typing away to them for hours with his webcam on of course, it is getting to the point I can't even sleep at night wondering what he is doing on his computer..I always know when he is up to something, he gives himself away
My kids are up at 8am for school and I am here typing about him while he is out in the kitchen skyping with some idiot who fancies him..it's unreal, but if I went out there he would tell me it's all in my head and i'm paranoid
Im incensed and offended for you. But what does that matter if YOU put up with it?
I fear it may be too late for you since you obviously believe you ought to be treated like a doormat, but bare in mind you have sons who are like sponges and may well believe that women should be treated like their mother.
Sorry but...their father is a lazy lying cheating kvunt and is a pathetic specimen of a man and father; he needed to be kicked to the curb aeons ago by you before it got to this, the only question remains is why you didnt do it.
Good luck with it all the same.
The above is the most sensible rely on this thread so far imo.
I have a friend who turned to prostitution at the age of 15, who is mid 30s now, when I said that kids will do the same things as their parents but a younger age she want ape. Her 7yo daughter knows all about her mums "profession" and will no doubt think its fine because "mummy" is happy. But when i suggested that she is growing up in this world and surrounded by the pimps etc, that she will be into it by 12/13, i was a bad bastard!
My point is that children, esp. girls, grow up thinking what they see is normal. Especially abusive relationships, so the best thing you can do for both your kids and step kids is to end this now. I know its not easy but it can be done and then you can find someone for you.
Also I would like to add that despite some posters opinions, there are some teenage years that are legal! Just because a girl is a teenager and showing herself on cam doesnt mean they are below 18!
Although I would still like to know why a girl can have sex at 16, but cant show her boobs till she is 18. But that is a different thread....:)
You think you need to go to your GP and get something?......No he needs to go to a psychatrist and get some help immediately....
He has pretty much dropped out of life and is living in some pseudo world day and night and he is the one with the problem....not you.....
But you can't be the victim forever.....you see who he is now and you can't sit there and hope he returns to who he was....it's not fair to you or your kids....
If you are going to stay....you are going to do more damage to yourself and you could end up needing medication as you said in your original post...not good at all...
You need to leave him or make him leave and let him host his blog world with no job and just be done with it....because life is too short to live this way.....this man isn't even a good Father right now....he is terrible to you and you are tolerating this why?....There is no other man in the world for you?....No one could ever treat you better?....I highly doubt that....you are tolerating it because you don't want to let go in the hopes he will change and those seem like false hopes to me....you are letting him do it with no consequences...he isn't going to change....
Are you afraid that if you told him he had to get a job and stop being online he would dump you?.....Because he has done what he has wanted in your relationship and faced no consequences this whole time plus....every day you stay....each and every day you are more degraded and humiliated by this man and you allow it like it's your only choice and it's all you deserve....how can you do that to yourself? My advice....kick him to the curb and don't look back....there is always a PLAN B in life....and you deserve way better than who you are with...
I really can't see blaming teenage girls online....first of all...he has no business talking to them online....he is in a relationship and a Father as well...those girls don't owe you anything...he does
He is a single guy who lives on his own to these people online, he is a compulsive liar and a charmer too..he has me driven insane because he has messed with my head for years, I'm sure others are under his spell aswell
I went to bed earlier and I had to come back down as I could hear him whispering to someone and typing away..he is right under me and I'm a very light sleeper
There obviously is someone new he is chatting to online as he is typing away to them for hours with his webcam on of course, it is getting to the point I can't even sleep at night wondering what he is doing on his computer..I always know when he is up to something, he gives himself away
My kids are up at 8am for school and I am here typing about him while he is out in the kitchen skyping with some idiot who fancies him..it's unreal, but if I went out there he would tell me it's all in my head and i'm paranoid
You are obsessing abut trivial detail here. Who cares what he is doing at 2.am.?? He has not been a father or husband to you for a very long time. He has prioritised his life. Why would you care so little about yourself or your children that you would put up with this?? What example is this to your children.
The horror story is not what he is doing, it is that you have and are putting up with it . I think that is what is shocking to most people.
You have a choice just like he has. Stop worrying about what he is doing and do something for yourself. He is not going to have an ounce of respect for you, while you condone this behaviour (by staying with him you are condoning and accepting this SH*T)
You know that you shouldn't have to put up with this, its not fair for you or your child. You said in your post that you think he still ahs some feelings for you? What makes you think that?
Ultimately its down to you to decide whats the best for your child and yourself, Why don't you try to catch him in the act if he keeps hiding everything? Log into his camshow from your computer, then confront him with it?
Sorry Nikki but I am at a loss as to why you are still with this jerk after he cheated on you! You need to finish with him for your own sanity and life as well as for your kids. Do you really want them to see their 'father' like that?
You are obsessing abut trivial detail here. Who cares what he is doing at 2.am.??
I havenoticed this is quite common for some people who come on this forum looking for advice. They will post their problem with a person, many will repply giving advice, asking questions etc. But when the OP replies they don't really comment on the content of the relpies or discuss the advice, all they do is reiterate how awful the situation or person is, giving more evidence of how wrong done by they are (and they genuinely are).
It is very strange, and it's done by both sexes. I cna only assume it's some kind of way or trying to convince themselves they are right. It's not enough that everyone agrees with them, becuase of low self-esteem or lack ofconfidence in their opinions, they just keep added to the case for prosicution without wanting to actually DO something about it.
Perhaps it's justa c ase of time. That they need to talk about it, but sadly they are not quite in the palce of taking the advice on board and acting to change their life.
I agree with the above post, I feel Nikki needs support, and is possibly not yet ready to make the first step - whatever that may be. But I desperately want the OP to consider her childrens' wellbeing foremost.
How were you raised Nikki? Was it a happy childhood? Do you want your children to be happy?
If the OP is unhappy the children can read this and they will feel unhappy, particularly if the father also doesn't give them the love and attention they deserve.
I beg the OP to think about if her children are being raised in a happy, healthy environment. If not, please consider improving their (and your) situation as soon as you can.
I havenoticed this is quite common for some people who come on this forum looking for advice. They will post their problem with a person, many will repply giving advice, asking questions etc. But when the OP replies they don't really comment on the content of the relpies or discuss the advice, all they do is reiterate how awful the situation or person is, giving more evidence of how wrong done by they are (and they genuinely are).
It is very strange, and it's done by both sexes. I cna only assume it's some kind of way or trying to convince themselves they are right. It's not enough that everyone agrees with them, becuase of low self-esteem or lack ofconfidence in their opinions, they just keep added to the case for prosicution without wanting to actually DO something about it.
Perhaps it's justa c ase of time. That they need to talk about it, but sadly they are not quite in the palce of taking the advice on board and acting to change their life.
That is true. I think there is a touch of the martyr complex. Wanting to winge and moan and get sympathy but not actually doing anything proactive to change the situation. I feel really sorry for the kids. Though the OP has to take full responsibility for allowing him to be their role model.
To be fair maybe it helps in the short term to offload and have a good bitch about the OH.
If you are staying for the long haul though you need to put up or shut up IMO and take responsibility for the sh*t state your life is in and the emotional damage you are doing to your kiddies.
Have you thought of damaging the router or perhaps doing something to his PC? There are plenty of ways to drive this jerk to distraction. While some would argue that pornography or Internet pornography is bad, it's only bad when it damages your relationship and this guy needs to start living in the real world.
If he wants to act single, then I suggest you do the same. Go out and get yourself someone else - virtual or otherwise - and muscle him out of the picture. Whatever attention you give him - whether it be cleaning or cooking or whatever - deny him.
He's an idiot and depression or losing your job is no excuse for acting like an idiot. Trust me, it won't be long before the police are knocking at your door or he has a much younger virtual girlfriend.
I think it can also involve fear of the unknown, at least while he is downstairs he is there, life goes on. if she does finish the relationship she then has to think about the future without him.
In his head he has already left you OP. He's not there. he's somewhere else. As has been said over and over in this thread and the previous one, you are already a single mother.
What is he doing there? Don't fool yourself about feelings of love and respect. He's there to leech from you and nothing else. He must be getting his pants washed or meals cooked or something which is keeping him under your roof while he desperately tries to find a web bint deluded enough to offer him an exit strategy from his current mode of 'incarceration'.
You, OP, with respect, are a sitting duck waiting for someone to pull the trigger. You know 110% that absolutely nothing good can ever come of this relationship. After the affair you must have convinced yourself that he'd learned a lesson, or more likely, he convinced you. It must have been incredibly hard for you to trust him again, even with him bending over backwards to reassure you it was you and the kids he wanted. Well the lack of respect he's showing you all now tells me that, in his little fantasy world, he's already gone.
Make his dream a reality and throw him and his sperm encrusted mouse out of your home.
Ahh, but she already has a taste of the unknown - she has a partner who is virtually gone. He's not there. He's somewhere else already.
This seems to be a modern thing. I've heard a lot of stories of ladies whose husbands or partners spend a lot of the night playing "online games" or whatever. Trust me (and I'm a man), I play computer games, but when it is time for bed it is time for bed, if you know what I mean. The same goes for online porn, there's a time and a place, but if it comes between a real, loving partner, then that relationship is f*ck*d already.
He will say: "But I have a problem" or "It's online sex addiction" and you will say: "No, you are basically cheating on me because that time you are spending with those women, real or otherwise, you could be spending with me".
End of case.
The loser has to go because otherwise he'll go on his own terms and you'll end up feeling a million times worse. Take control of your life and do what you know is right.
Perhaps it's justa c ase of time. That they need to talk about it, but sadly they are not quite in the palce of taking the advice on board and acting to change their life.
Yes, it is common, in real life, not just online. Some people just need to offload, get things off their chest. Maybe some sympathy. They probably know they're going to get advice, they could give the same advice to themselves, but they aren't quite ready to follow it.
Maybe one day she will be ready and constructive advice given here, lodged in the back of her mind, will kick in. See the Smelly Jem thread as an example. Rightly or wrongly, that OP gained much strength from the replies she received online and has made some positive changes as a result.
We should just post the best advice we can give, wish them well and hope that it helps in some way.
Comments
The relationship wont ever work if you dont get a little balance back into it which i dont see how it can happen now.
As people have already said, youre already on your own, it looks like your best option is to ditch him and go single and feel better for your kids. That said, given your previous post you may be happy enough to sit in this state and just want to vent about it online.
The best opinion on what to do will come from you.
OP: I understand your fears of being a single mum - but how could it be worse than this?
He doesn't help out anyhow & you have to cope with looking after him as well as your kids. On top of which he is constantly disrespecting you & making you feel like nothing.
How close are you to your family? Could you count on them for support if you left him?
Perhaps you could try to look around you for some kind of support network - friends, counsellor, some kind of mothers' group or support group etc.
You absolutely are strong enough to do it on your own - because you are already.
Call it all outdated if you like - but whatever way you look at it there's so,mething very dodgy abiout an older man going after teens. And if the teens in question are under age, then he's not only dodgy, he's breaking the law.
I do believe he is like this now though as I suspect he was cheating on me for a few months this year and as far as I know he was dumped back in April and hasn't recovered..our sex life ended months ago because this person must have been amazing in bed and totally changed him, his sexual tastes changed and he was suddenly an expert at certain things yet for years he was never very experienced and I just had to touch off him to get him going you know
now he has to jerk off on webcam to younger women to get his kicks, our sex life was fine right up until January when he started to go out at odd hours and all the signs were there that he was with someone else, now his computer is his escape from his life
Life on your own won't be nearly as scary as you think it will be.
Get a grip and sort him out, he is freaky and perverted.
Just read your other thread, tell him to move out, dont let him take the pc, pack his things up and leave them at his parents or friends and get someone in to format your pc, he is not providing anything, no love or even support for you, so much so you are creeping down stairs to see what he is up to, obviously he is not spending time with his children either.
Why would any woman find an unemployed man with a family attractive, especially if they are on the internet all day and night?
I went to bed earlier and I had to come back down as I could hear him whispering to someone and typing away..he is right under me and I'm a very light sleeper
There obviously is someone new he is chatting to online as he is typing away to them for hours with his webcam on of course, it is getting to the point I can't even sleep at night wondering what he is doing on his computer..I always know when he is up to something, he gives himself away
My kids are up at 8am for school and I am here typing about him while he is out in the kitchen skyping with some idiot who fancies him..it's unreal, but if I went out there he would tell me it's all in my head and i'm paranoid
The above is the most sensible rely on this thread so far imo.
I have a friend who turned to prostitution at the age of 15, who is mid 30s now, when I said that kids will do the same things as their parents but a younger age she want ape. Her 7yo daughter knows all about her mums "profession" and will no doubt think its fine because "mummy" is happy. But when i suggested that she is growing up in this world and surrounded by the pimps etc, that she will be into it by 12/13, i was a bad bastard!
My point is that children, esp. girls, grow up thinking what they see is normal. Especially abusive relationships, so the best thing you can do for both your kids and step kids is to end this now. I know its not easy but it can be done and then you can find someone for you.
Also I would like to add that despite some posters opinions, there are some teenage years that are legal! Just because a girl is a teenager and showing herself on cam doesnt mean they are below 18!
Although I would still like to know why a girl can have sex at 16, but cant show her boobs till she is 18. But that is a different thread....:)
He has pretty much dropped out of life and is living in some pseudo world day and night and he is the one with the problem....not you.....
But you can't be the victim forever.....you see who he is now and you can't sit there and hope he returns to who he was....it's not fair to you or your kids....
If you are going to stay....you are going to do more damage to yourself and you could end up needing medication as you said in your original post...not good at all...
You need to leave him or make him leave and let him host his blog world with no job and just be done with it....because life is too short to live this way.....this man isn't even a good Father right now....he is terrible to you and you are tolerating this why?....There is no other man in the world for you?....No one could ever treat you better?....I highly doubt that....you are tolerating it because you don't want to let go in the hopes he will change and those seem like false hopes to me....you are letting him do it with no consequences...he isn't going to change....
Are you afraid that if you told him he had to get a job and stop being online he would dump you?.....Because he has done what he has wanted in your relationship and faced no consequences this whole time plus....every day you stay....each and every day you are more degraded and humiliated by this man and you allow it like it's your only choice and it's all you deserve....how can you do that to yourself? My advice....kick him to the curb and don't look back....there is always a PLAN B in life....and you deserve way better than who you are with...
I really can't see blaming teenage girls online....first of all...he has no business talking to them online....he is in a relationship and a Father as well...those girls don't owe you anything...he does
You are obsessing abut trivial detail here. Who cares what he is doing at 2.am.?? He has not been a father or husband to you for a very long time. He has prioritised his life. Why would you care so little about yourself or your children that you would put up with this?? What example is this to your children.
The horror story is not what he is doing, it is that you have and are putting up with it
You have a choice just like he has. Stop worrying about what he is doing and do something for yourself. He is not going to have an ounce of respect for you, while you condone this behaviour (by staying with him you are condoning and accepting this SH*T)
Ultimately its down to you to decide whats the best for your child and yourself, Why don't you try to catch him in the act if he keeps hiding everything? Log into his camshow from your computer, then confront him with it?
Please!!! finish with him!!
I havenoticed this is quite common for some people who come on this forum looking for advice. They will post their problem with a person, many will repply giving advice, asking questions etc. But when the OP replies they don't really comment on the content of the relpies or discuss the advice, all they do is reiterate how awful the situation or person is, giving more evidence of how wrong done by they are (and they genuinely are).
It is very strange, and it's done by both sexes. I cna only assume it's some kind of way or trying to convince themselves they are right. It's not enough that everyone agrees with them, becuase of low self-esteem or lack ofconfidence in their opinions, they just keep added to the case for prosicution without wanting to actually DO something about it.
Perhaps it's justa c ase of time. That they need to talk about it, but sadly they are not quite in the palce of taking the advice on board and acting to change their life.
How were you raised Nikki? Was it a happy childhood? Do you want your children to be happy?
If the OP is unhappy the children can read this and they will feel unhappy, particularly if the father also doesn't give them the love and attention they deserve.
I beg the OP to think about if her children are being raised in a happy, healthy environment. If not, please consider improving their (and your) situation as soon as you can.
That is true. I think there is a touch of the martyr complex. Wanting to winge and moan and get sympathy but not actually doing anything proactive to change the situation. I feel really sorry for the kids. Though the OP has to take full responsibility for allowing him to be their role model.
To be fair maybe it helps in the short term to offload and have a good bitch about the OH.
If you are staying for the long haul though you need to put up or shut up IMO and take responsibility for the sh*t state your life is in and the emotional damage you are doing to your kiddies.
If he wants to act single, then I suggest you do the same. Go out and get yourself someone else - virtual or otherwise - and muscle him out of the picture. Whatever attention you give him - whether it be cleaning or cooking or whatever - deny him.
He's an idiot and depression or losing your job is no excuse for acting like an idiot. Trust me, it won't be long before the police are knocking at your door or he has a much younger virtual girlfriend.
What is he doing there? Don't fool yourself about feelings of love and respect. He's there to leech from you and nothing else. He must be getting his pants washed or meals cooked or something which is keeping him under your roof while he desperately tries to find a web bint deluded enough to offer him an exit strategy from his current mode of 'incarceration'.
You, OP, with respect, are a sitting duck waiting for someone to pull the trigger. You know 110% that absolutely nothing good can ever come of this relationship. After the affair you must have convinced yourself that he'd learned a lesson, or more likely, he convinced you. It must have been incredibly hard for you to trust him again, even with him bending over backwards to reassure you it was you and the kids he wanted. Well the lack of respect he's showing you all now tells me that, in his little fantasy world, he's already gone.
Make his dream a reality and throw him and his sperm encrusted mouse out of your home.
This seems to be a modern thing. I've heard a lot of stories of ladies whose husbands or partners spend a lot of the night playing "online games" or whatever. Trust me (and I'm a man), I play computer games, but when it is time for bed it is time for bed, if you know what I mean. The same goes for online porn, there's a time and a place, but if it comes between a real, loving partner, then that relationship is f*ck*d already.
He will say: "But I have a problem" or "It's online sex addiction" and you will say: "No, you are basically cheating on me because that time you are spending with those women, real or otherwise, you could be spending with me".
End of case.
The loser has to go because otherwise he'll go on his own terms and you'll end up feeling a million times worse. Take control of your life and do what you know is right.
Yes, it is common, in real life, not just online. Some people just need to offload, get things off their chest. Maybe some sympathy. They probably know they're going to get advice, they could give the same advice to themselves, but they aren't quite ready to follow it.
Maybe one day she will be ready and constructive advice given here, lodged in the back of her mind, will kick in. See the Smelly Jem thread as an example. Rightly or wrongly, that OP gained much strength from the replies she received online and has made some positive changes as a result.
We should just post the best advice we can give, wish them well and hope that it helps in some way.