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How to help someone through a Christmas after losing someone?
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My cousin was born last Christmas Eve, and she passed away due to SIDS in the summer.
I was just wondering what support etc I could offer my family next week in what will be an extremely difficult time? I'm finding it hard myself, but obviously it will be worse for her parents so any advice on what to say/do to help them?
I was just wondering what support etc I could offer my family next week in what will be an extremely difficult time? I'm finding it hard myself, but obviously it will be worse for her parents so any advice on what to say/do to help them?
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Their grief must be unimaginable and very personal.
Take your cues from them and act accordingly. Give them all the space, understanding and love you can.
Of course they can bloody help them...:(
Grief unimaginable and personal when was any grief anything but???
IMHO i would tell them exactly what you have posted here, that you appreciate this is a difficult time and you want to be there for them and then ask them what you can do...the worst thing again IMHO people can do when others are grieving is tippytoe around not sure of what do say do, let them know you are there for them but also ask them is there anything you can, maybe cooking them some food over the holidays might be something if they don't feel to be doing that themselves.
My heart goes out too all of you, this is a such a sad thing to happen to everyone involved, and be kind to you too, as you are also grieving.
Thinking of you - don't forget to give yourself space to breathe and think as well.
x
The facts is that you can't act like the death didn't happen, because it did, and there is nothing you can do to change that. It's dreadful and any parents worst nightmare.
The best thing you can do in my opinion is to tell them that you are feeling sad for them, and to offer any help or support they need in the coming weeks, even if it is just your company and a cheerful distraction for a few hours. They might prefer to be alone, but most people who are grieving find comfort in the presence of others, and many will turn to religion in situations like these - no bad thing.
Just let them know you are there if they need you.
Sorry, I got carried away with the notion that we were talking about deep emotional pain. I forgot the healing power of home-cooked lasagne.
I stand by my original post. You can only be there for people in emotional pain. You can only support them according to their needs and that means taking your cues from them.
I did not advocate tippy-toeing or ignoring their grief - just sensitivity and support.
"Being there for them" is the same as "helping them" ... your own post contradicted itself.
Please show some respect for the situation before taking cheap shots (e.g. lasagne) at other people who are actually trying to help.
I totally agree. Which is why I took SadOldBird to task over the insensitive remarks made.
thank you wiggis, i won't detract from the OP but sadoldbird should perhaps change their moniker...
I agree SOB contradicts themselves, I think with grief, practical stuff is oft forgotten and that is sometimes the thing most helpful.
This is truly an awful situation for everyone and i think just be true to yourself and be honest in all endeavours, ask them what they want you to do, if they tell you nothing then stand back, but do allow yourself to grieve too, again my heart goes out to you and to all your family.
My nana died last week. My father died in December 2006. My uncle died December last year. My mum has to cope with the loss of a mother, brother and husband every Christmas now. She is staying strong but I am just there for her.
My auntie and uncle are coming up over the weekend but I'm working all weekend and can't get out of it :mad:
I gave the OP no insensitive advice. Did you read my first post - I advised support and love - where is the insensitivity in that?
I simply don't believe that you can 'help' make the grief go away.
What works for some people doesn't work for others so there is no recipe for 'help'. You take your cue from the grieving person and act accordingly. That's support.
I felt resentment towards the people who KNEW my mum died, but did nothing. I had so many stupid texts messages from people saying things like "I hope I am not intruding" "sorry to bother you" etc... These were the people that made a difference, not the people that ignored the news.
Talk to them
To be fair, SOB was just responding to a rather snappy reaction to her initial post as opposed to taking a cheap shot.
I think just being there for them (ie not avoiding them) is the best thing as others have said.
sadoldbird offered some sound advice as far as I can see. global chaos disagreed but instead of simply offering their own advice they chose to respond in an inappropriate manner IMO.
They know what has happened, you know too...as will everybody else.
For me, I wanted Christmas to pass as 'ordinarily' as possible. It was a dreadful time for all but small acknowledgements of our loss were all that we needed or wanted.
That was me though, you have to play it by ear, so to speak. Take your lead from them. Offer a hug and be prepared to get others to back off if necessary.
Whatever comes to pass, you and they have my heartfelt sympathy.
I was out of line.
I stand by all the advice I gave the OP. It was honestly meant and I believed it. I still believe it.
But I should not have allowed myself to get engaged because another poster was a bit snappy.
Two wrongs don't make a right and I'm sorry if the OP's real concern has got swamped in a silly squabble.
OP, the fact that you care and love will see you through.
Christmas is not our favourite time of year, that's for sure! What we appreciated was people giving us options-come over if you would like to, or call us and we'll come to you or be alone if you'd prefer. There is no knowing what they will want to do; they won't even know themselves as they are still at the 'one day at a time' stage. They might well decide something in the morning but change their minds by lunch time.
OP, I think the best advice I can give is write to them, just a little note in with a card. They can't make a decision in a split second over the 'phone as they could change their minds straight after. Be there for them but in a non pressure way. I think giving them open choices is the way to go.
If they decide to come and visit and there are other folks there too, make sure they have somewhere to be a bit quiet, should they need it. The only other advice I can give is just be a listener.
You have a good heart, OP, to think and plan in advance. It's an awful time for all concerned, but believe me, small acts of kindness will never be forgotten. Bless your heart.
Just don't try too hard. My heart goes out to anyone who has had that experience, but time heals, it really does.
Sorry to hear about your cousin twirlgirl.
Knowing how I felt the first Christmas after my dad died the worst thing was the fact that on Christmas day itself none of our family came near me and my mum, not so much as a phone call or a text message.... and to be honest it's the one time we really could have done with contact with other people.
Take care x
Having lost a parent days before Christmas myself it was very hard to see nurses with tinsel on their hats and Christmas lights everywhere. The first Christmas passed quietly with few Christmas cards recieved and a mantle piece full of sympathy cards instead. But that was the first year. It gets better as time passes.
The worse thing to do is stay away and not talk to the Aunt and Uncle. The only Christmas present they could want now is the company, understanding and love from family members.
/\ This.
Twirlgirl, I am really very sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin. Could you leave them a little card at your house for them to see when you're at work? Just saying you wish you could be there to see them, you're thinking of them and here if they need you. I have lost 2 siblings so I know it's a hard subject to approach, but just show that you are there for them.
Take care, all of you xxx