Loneliness wasted life advice changing

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• eluf38 Posts: 4,874

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  30/08/15 - 13:30 #2

  I'd suggest contacting the charity Mind to see what help they can offer. I don't think a lifetime of bullying can be reversed without help. Talking therapies really help me to deal with my anxiety. Just 5 sessions and I feel that I'm learning to manage my fears and worries and leave the negative aspects of my past (including bullying) behind me. Please do contact them. Instead of a gym why not try a dance class or aerobics or yoga? Personally I find the atmosphere to be much more fun and you do get chatting to people.
  Don't put pressure on yourself to achieve anything. Start by getting happy. Find something you enjoy. Find something you're good at - crafts, dance, poetry, up cycling clothes, sports... You'll meet new people and find out what you're good at. And once you realise what you're good at your confidence will grow.

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• TardisSteve Posts: 8,077

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  30/08/15 - 13:56 #3

  lauren_murphy wrote: »

  Ok, so i'll start off be saying i'm 29 years old need to change pretty much everything about my life but don't know how so any advice would be appreciated.
  
  I've been bullied most of my life through school because of the way i look etc i couldn't make any friends & was always alone. I had no self confidence, and just didn't fit in. I was also bullied at home by my siblings which was probably was worse than the bullies at school. I was never encouraged to partake in clubs or sports and even i did myself, siblings would laugh at me. My Parents don't socialize at all so don't like people coming to the house or going out themselves. I'm the youngest of the family & my sisters have always competed against each other like who has a new boyfriend, who gets married first, babies etc I think this could be the reason they bullied me so much, anytime i tried to do something anything they would laugh at me, call me names until i cried. They would never be satisfied until i ran away crying.
  
  I left school early as i hated it. I don't have any clue what i would like to do career wise i can't find anything i have a real passion for. I have done a couple of courses(4) since leaving school, some i couldn't even complete(2)(which i'm very embarassed about)Each time i applied for these courses my families reaction was the same, why are you doing that? what are you doing that for? My sisters would all laugh and say i won't last a week, i'll never be able to do anything(i guess they were right i didnt finish 2 of them) even on the few ocassions i went out socially they don't understand why i would even want to go out, it's like they don't want me to have a life they have all moved away with partners etc and i'm the only one left livng with my parents & i feel stuck. I have no social skills at all. I can't make friends no matter how hard i try. I have suffered from depression & anxiety since primary school(i didn't know it a t the time) my parents know of this but have never spoken about it.
  
  I've never had a job & don't know what to do. I have no self belief or confidence. I haven't accomplished anything in life & it's so embarassing at my age I can handle my depression most of the time but i'm desperately lonely. I dream of moving out & meeting the right guy someday.
  
  I need to change & know i'm the only person that can do it. At the moment i'm trying to take small steps, i've bought a car & i'm hoping to join a gym(as i'm not happy with my weight) I went into the gym for a look around(which i kept putting off for about 3 months) they said i should book a fitness assessment which is free but i haven't been in since, i'm very self conscious & always comparing myself to other women which needs to stop somehow.
  
  I just don't know what to do, i have no connection with anybody & it's very lonely, i'm dreading the long winter ahead

  
  lauren, you are not alone, i can identify with alot of what you say, i too have suffered from depression and anxiety from a young age, had the same problems with confidence for a ages (has gotten a bit better) not had a job (except voluntary work and not through a lack of trying) weight etc , i cannot identify with the siblings problem as i don't have any
  
  as i was reading this i saw alot of myself and if i can help i am here

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• austino6 Posts: 301

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  30/08/15 - 14:03 #4

  Don't worry i am in the same boat as you feel hopeless etc & only recently i felt the need to tell my family, just for them to say it's all down to me which made me think i wanted to cut my leg off! stupid i know, i lost my nephew who drowned in loch lomond 6 years ago at the age of 20, i could not help him which cut me up inside, please be okay & try to think positive.

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• Muze Posts: 2,225

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  30/08/15 - 14:22 #5

  Very much same here too..... though I eventually was diagnosed with an Autism spectrum disorder (maybe worth looking into).
  
  Be patient with yourself, value what you CAN do and maybe distance yourself from what sounds like a really toxic family tbh.
  
  I've done the same as you and thrown myself in courses an jobs and been unable to complete them, so I've had to learn to respect my limitations and slowly over the years I've been able to take on more and more.
  
  Keep going, in the right direction, however slowly.... and maybe get a dog lol

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• Chihiro94 Posts: 2,667

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  30/08/15 - 14:35 #6

  I can emphasize with a lot of this, and while I don't have a lot of advice to offer, you aren't alone or hopeless, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and you should be immensely proud that your trying to be proactive. (That is an achievement in itself, as is the level of self awareness).
  
  Therapy of some sort is the way to go. Also, from personal experience, small steps are important. I find if i do too much in one go I end up where I started or worse. You don't need a career yet, a part time job or even voluntary work would help you gain confidence and maybe open up doors. You don't need the gym assessment if you don't want.
  
  You don't owe anyone anything, its your life, do what you want with it, and if others complain, **** 'em. (So much easier said than done i know.)

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• Relly Posts: 3,469

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  30/08/15 - 14:36 #7

  It's been a long-held theory that if a child is told s/he is stupid often enough, s/he believes it, and that goes for other insults and negativity as well. You don't have to believe what they all said about you. You said you took four courses and passed two. Maybe the other two weren't right for you which is why you couldn't complete them, but the fact remains that you DID pass two of them.
  
  When I was a kid (I'm in my 50's now), I was told I was thick so often I believed it. When you piled on all the other crap, I was a bit of a mess when I went to college at 16 to do Nursery Nursing. I failed the first year, left and got jobs in shops until I was in my mid 20's and went to typing college. Then I went to uni at 28.
  
  That's the age I was at when I learned I didn't have to take crap from anyone - if they thought I was stupid or whatever, it was their fault for underestimating me. University did me the world of good for teaching me to be valued for what I was - an intelligent person with her own mind.
  
  I'm not suggesting you jump straight into uni, but I can't see why you shouldn't. I do feel that your home life is toxic to you, and it's definitely contributing to the cycle of negativity they've all imposed on you.
  
  You've had some great advice here - voluntary work, therapy, reassuring you that you're not alone, that sort of thing. Take things in small steps. It's not possible to eat an elephant in one bite, yet if you start at the feet and take small nibbles, you'll get there eventually.

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• TardisSteve Posts: 8,077

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  30/08/15 - 14:43 #8

  as for homelife, have you thought about applying ofr a council house, my homelife is difficult as i live with my parents, my mother has rapid cycling bipolar and it can have an affect on me and my father, i decided i had to try and get my own place (not that i don't love my parents, i just need to start thinking oif myself)
  
  

  Relly wrote: »

  It's been a long-held theory that if a child is told s/he is stupid often enough, s/he believes it, and that goes for other insults and negativity as well. You don't have to believe what they all said about you. You said you took four courses and passed two. Maybe the other two weren't right for you which is why you couldn't complete them, but the fact remains that you DID pass two of them.
  
  When I was a kid (I'm in my 50's now), I was told I was thick so often I believed it. When you piled on all the other crap, I was a bit of a mess when I went to college at 16 to do Nursery Nursing. I failed the first year, left and got jobs in shops until I was in my mid 20's and went to typing college. Then I went to uni at 28.
  
  That's the age I was at when I learned I didn't have to take crap from anyone - if they thought I was stupid or whatever, it was their fault for underestimating me. University did me the world of good for teaching me to be valued for what I was - an intelligent person with her own mind.
  
  I'm not suggesting you jump straight into uni, but I can't see why you shouldn't. I do feel that your home life is toxic to you, and it's definitely contributing to the cycle of negativity they've all imposed on you.
  
  You've had some great advice here - voluntary work, therapy, reassuring you that you're not alone, that sort of thing. Take things in small steps. It's not possible to eat an elephant in one bite, yet if you start at the feet and take small nibbles, you'll get there eventually.

  
  i fully recommend voluntary work, has helped me with my confidence, making friends etc,

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• TelevisionUser Posts: 41,415

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  30/08/15 - 15:04 #9

  eluf38 wrote: »

  I'd suggest contacting the charity Mind to see what help they can offer. I don't think a lifetime of bullying can be reversed without help. Talking therapies really help me to deal with my anxiety. Just 5 sessions and I feel that I'm learning to manage my fears and worries and leave the negative aspects of my past (including bullying) behind me. Please do contact them. Instead of a gym why not try a dance class or aerobics or yoga? Personally I find the atmosphere to be much more fun and you do get chatting to people.
  Don't put pressure on yourself to achieve anything. Start by getting happy. Find something you enjoy. Find something you're good at - crafts, dance, poetry, up cycling clothes, sports... You'll meet new people and find out what you're good at. And once you realise what you're good at your confidence will grow.

  
  That is a good idea and perhaps accessing counselling/life counselling might be obtainable via a GP's referral. Such help could provide a wider perspective, coping strategies and ideas on how to move on in life.

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• MARTYM8 Posts: 44,710

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  30/08/15 - 21:30 #10

  TardisSteve wrote: »

  as for homelife, have you thought about applying ofr a council house, my homelife is difficult as i live with my parents, my mother has rapid cycling bipolar and it can have an affect on me and my father, i decided i had to try and get my own place (not that i don't love my parents, i just need to start thinking oif myself)
  
  
  
  
  i fully recommend voluntary work, has helped me with my confidence, making friends etc,

  
  I would certainly recommend volunteering - it gets you out and about, meeting people, it's often good for job training and gives you some perspective - you may feel bad but there are so many worse off than you.

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• swb1964 Posts: 4,700

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  30/08/15 - 21:33 #11

  Most of my best life chances came in my thirties, so your best opportunities lie ahead.

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• [Deleted User] Posts: 4

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  31/08/15 - 12:01 #12

  Thank you everyone you're messages:), i do know there are people out there worse off than me i'm just so sick having nothing to do & no one to talk too.
  
  I have been considering volunteering but i have no idea what area yet, i live in a fairly rural area but now i've got a car hopefully i can get out more. Muze mentioned a dog & yes my parents do have one & walking him & exercising are the only 2 things i enjoy at the moment, it takes my mind off everything hence why i mentioned the gym in my first post, it's probably not a good way to meet people but it would be a hobby & get me out of the house if i can force myself to do it. I know it's very silly but it would be a huge step for someone like me to do.

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• moonlandings Posts: 761

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  31/08/15 - 12:54 #13

  Good on you for taking the dog out - that's a good start to things. I really hope you can find a way to happiness. One thing to remember is a lot of men are scared of confident secure women, and are looking for people like yourself to look after and have a laugh with

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• ianradioian Posts: 74,865

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  31/08/15 - 14:45 #14

  Start as you mean to go on; change something, no matter how small or seemingly unimportant ( is important to you). Don't rush; plan things for a good while ahead. ..Don't forget that they're are many other people who feel like you out there. Most people have issues about something or other. Just do it anyway; no point in worrying about it, or what other people may or may not be thinking about you. Bugger them.
  
  The gym sound s an excellent idea; it'll give you routine and you'll see others trying to lose a bit of weight along side you.
  Also, and this is harder to deal with, but don't let other peoples negativity( family members etc) stop you from doing it. Do it anyway. If it doesn't work out, or isnt right for YOU, then look to do something else.
  The volunteering in a shop is an excellent idea- or what about a charity foodkitchen, or warehouse. You'll meet other people and talk with them, and you may find that that's enough for now. As you get more comfortable with it all, then branch out for more regarding friendship, etc.
  
  Its YOUR life and is nothing to do with ANYONE else, family members or anyone. .... so all the best, start with something. .. and explore out there

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• spiderboots Posts: 235

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  31/08/15 - 15:57 #15

  When my confidence was really low I decided I had to make the effort to look after myself a bit more. So I started small, once a week I would have a really long bath with tonnes of stuff like bubbles and bath bombs and things. After I would paint my nails and do my hair. I know it probably sounds daft but even something small like that made all the difference.
  I've not had a career either and I'm 33, I hate it but there is nothing I can do since my health is rubbish. So I'm finding ways around it .I have done a few courses (dropped out of a few too) and I love making things. Don't beat yourself up about the 2 courses you didn't complete, it's not a big deal at all. Think of it like this- you are going out and trying things, eventually you will find the thing that's meant to be.

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• [Deleted User] Posts: 14

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  31/08/15 - 22:36 #16

  I dont have any advice really but i dont think you should worry about things like what you have or havent achieved,and you dont need to have a really interesting highly paid job to be happy , i know people who are happy in their lowly paid jobs and i think there is obviosusly less stress to doing a low down job, just go in do your shift come home an get paid later lol long as the people are nice where you work should be fine , you dont gotta get a great job lots of people just work in shops or cleanin or kitchen ect
  i dont work at the mo i tried college twice but i quit both courses due partly to anxiety but also i didnt really know what i was doing the course for i just thought its good to do something but i dont enjoy studying an didnt have a specific job i wanted to do
  I think having any job will e good for me il will get me out an mixing with people , its the staying home not seeing people that i realised makes me depressed , even though i have a toddler to look after its not the same , i think you should just look at getting a job any job really and doing things like the gym to meet people that way but i think your more likely to meet friends at work, i did, volunterring is good too , if you want a bf you could try online dating too thats how my brother met his gf on match .com
  maybe moving out of home would also make you feel happier

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• [Deleted User] Posts: 4

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  04/09/15 - 13:22 #17

  Thank you everyone i'm very grateful for all the advice. I need to really stop putting things off now & try to move forward. Stupid things set me back like if i'm having a bad day & just seeing a group of friends talking & laughing or a happy couple i just think why can't that be me. I really need to be a stronger person but i don't know how. My family are all strong personalities as you may have guessed

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• [Deleted User] Posts: 23

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  05/09/15 - 23:41 #18

  The worst thing you can do is hold back on what you want to do as nothing will change.
  
  One step at a time. Don't worry too much about the gym. Plenty of others are in the same boat but if your gym is anything like the gyms i've been too, people are too busy with their own workouts to care. If anything, they'll admire you for making the effort and wanting to change.
  
  Sorry if I missed it, but not working means you claim benefits? Certainly talk to an advisor about voluntary work. One or two mornings a week and you can start to build confidence.
  
  I'd also do your best to move out. It sounds like a toxic atmosphere and maybe a place of your own will give you your own space to breathe and build a life.

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• j4Rose Posts: 5,482

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  06/09/15 - 00:07 #19

  lauren_murphy wrote: »

  Thank you everyone you're messages:), i do know there are people out there worse off than me i'm just so sick having nothing to do & no one to talk too.
  
  I have been considering volunteering but i have no idea what area yet, i live in a fairly rural area but now i've got a car hopefully i can get out more. Muze mentioned a dog & yes my parents do have one & walking him & exercising are the only 2 things i enjoy at the moment, it takes my mind off everything hence why i mentioned the gym in my first post, it's probably not a good way to meet people but it would be a hobby & get me out of the house if i can force myself to do it. I know it's very silly but it would be a huge step for someone like me to do.

  
  It's not silly at all; exercise is a great way to improve your mood apart from anything else.
  
  Is there any way you could talk to your family about being more supportive? They seem a bit toxic to be honest. You have probably found it difficult to finish courses because your family keep putting you down - they are the problem, not you.

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• j4Rose Posts: 5,482

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  06/09/15 - 00:10 #20

  notuptomuch wrote: »

  The worst thing you can do is hold back on what you want to do as nothing will change.
  
  One step at a time. Don't worry too much about the gym. Plenty of others are in the same boat but if your gym is anything like the gyms i've been too, people are too busy with their own workouts to care. If anything, they'll admire you for making the effort and wanting to change.
  
  Sorry if I missed it, but not working means you claim benefits? Certainly talk to an advisor about voluntary work. One or two mornings a week and you can start to build confidence.
  
  I'd also do your best to move out. It sounds like a toxic atmosphere and maybe a place of your own will give you your own space to breathe and build a life.

  
  Yes, move out if you can OP. Reach out for any help you can.

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• hazydayz Posts: 6,909

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  06/09/15 - 01:37 #21

  I have sent you a private message OP. I hope you read it

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• ChristmasCake Posts: 26,078

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  06/09/15 - 16:17 #22

  You're young enough to turn things around.
  
  Please do not feel you have to change everything at once, that'd be far too overwhelming.
  
  Are there anythings in particular that you'd like to change sooner? Prioritisation can really help, as can breaking things up into manageable chunks.
  
  A quick win can be actually booking that fitness assessment at the gym. You'll feel a lot better after it.
  
  Also, comparing yourself to others is pointless.
  
  You're a beautiful unique human being, don't worry about anyone else.
  
  Slowly building your confidence could be helpful too. Try writing a list of things you like about yourself, and whenever you're feeling down on yourself, remind yourself of that list to counter the negative thoughts.

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• TardisSteve Posts: 8,077

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  06/09/15 - 18:21 #23

  just to add i was 29 when i started my voluntary work, (which i enjoy lot) it is 3 hours a week but it is doing something for the local community, something on my CV and it helps with my confidence and other problems

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• Smooj Posts: 1,061

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  08/09/15 - 02:48 #24

  I feel for you Lauren - your post definitely struck a chord with me. I'm in my 40's now but I never thought my life would be where it is today when I was in my 20's. (It's much better than I expected.)
  
  I can admit to being lonely back then, wondering if I'd ever get out of a horrible rut, find someone - at least some of the same things you've gone through, but not all of them.
  
  I don't know if I have any great advice, but maybe I have some.
  
  All of us are more than the sum of our experiences to date. The things that happened to you - the bullying, the competitive and bullying sisters, how your parents are - you're not ever going to be able to change that because it happened. But it isn't all of you. It doesn't have to define you.
  
  You have to put some form of distance between those things happening and the new you that you want to see grow out of this.
  
  I think you are off to a good start by having the intelligence to understand the impact it has had on you. Can you use that experience in any way - turn the tough times and understanding of how it affected you - into something you can help others with? I have a friend who got involved with a mentoring group for youngsters - really rewarding - good support for her from a mentoring charity and group as she learnt, and she found it massively uplifting to work with children struggling with things you've been through - bullying, friendships, school - everything really. There is paid work in that area too. Sometimes people who have been through really tough times - are the very best people who understand and can help others. Life gave you some shitty tough times - but coming out of that maybe is a lot of empathy and a good understanding of what it did - and how someone else in your position might need someone to talk to.
  
  Maybe that sounds silly - but it would be a nice two fingers up at all of the rubbish you've been through to turn it into a positive and help other people!
  
  I think your small steps are great by the way. Buying a car - that's fantastic. Gearing up to feel more confident about your weight - whatever it is right now - that's great. I have lost 4 stone this year through changes to what I eat. I don't call it a diet - I've literally just changed when and what I eat.
  
  It feels like you have some things you really want to do, but that the fear of not being able to do them is perhaps stopping you from trying?
  
  It sounds like you want to:
  
  Find something that interests you - and that maybe it can turn into a job.
  
  Keep getting fitter.
  
  Develop some friendships.
  
  Build your confidence and social skills.
  
  The nice thing about that is that they are all realistic and achievable - and starting on any one of them will help in other areas too.
  
  If you think about some of the job and volunteer suggestions in here on the advice forum - they might help - and trying some out might help develop new friendships and build some confidence. Going to the gym, or other changes or taking the dogs out and stuff like that - will keep improving your fitness, mean more chances of developing friendships and help to build confidence.
  
  Posting on here you can probably already see there are folks taking the time to reply and PM who see a valuable human being who they would like to help if they can.
  
  Sorry if reply is a bit long - just trying to make it clear that there is more to come in your life - it's not all about what's in the past - lots of good things will happen going forward into your future too...
  
  Big hug...

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• [Deleted User] Posts: 4

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  08/09/15 - 21:59 #25

  Just want to thank everyone again for taking the time to give me some advice it's greatly appreciated:) I have started taking driving lessons which is going pretty well so far, my test is next month so fingers crossed i can pass:) I would like to move out but i can't afford to at the moment & i don't think a council house is an option. I'm always thinking of what could go wrong/doing something to embarss myself hence why i keep putting things off, i know i need to snap out of that asap

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• Relly Posts: 3,469

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  08/09/15 - 23:40 #26

  lauren_murphy wrote: »

  Just want to thank everyone again for taking the time to give me some advice it's greatly appreciated:) I have started taking driving lessons which is going pretty well so far, my test is next month so fingers crossed i can pass:) I would like to move out but i can't afford to at the moment & i don't think a council house is an option. I'm always thinking of what could go wrong/doing something to embarss myself hence why i keep putting things off, i know i need to snap out of that asap

  
  Very well done re the driving lessons! That needs a lot of confidence, and you've obviously got that in spades. I'm pleased for you.
  
  About moving out: well, there's always house/flat sharing, which is a lot cheaper than being on your own, but that's for the future. Having your own place can be very liberating, but so is being able to drive.
  
  Don't worry too much about the negative thoughts. It's hard to stop having them, but maybe you could try to think positive ones along with the negative. Sort of, "What if I fail my test? But how amazing it would be to pass!" I'm sure you know what I mean. I believe if you plan for something going wrong and it does go wrong, well, you'll have a plan already made to make it go right.
  
  You'll get there - and again, I'm so pleased for you, and you'd best let us know about your driving test. Haha!

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