The more some people acquire, the tighter they seem to become I'm afraid. But from my own perspective it is not about the £££ but about investing some time, thought, effort and appreciation first and foremost.
Other poster keeps on about "stirring the pot" which is not something I have even mentioned doing! A short brief discussion between mother and son (me) about the issue is hardly stirring. I'm just pleased I kept my own mouth shut over Christmas Day & Boxing Day when I felt like saying something highly sarcastic to my brother over his present buying abilities! I was sorely tempted, but behaved.
Surely if one is wealthy, one doesn't need to go to the Next sales?
Not really. There are three camps that sometimes overlap:
a) Wealthier a person, more keen on finding bargains, being frugal and/or saving money .
b) Wealthier a person, more paranoid the person is about being overcharged or ripped off
c) Wealthier a person, less empathic the person is towards those stuck in institutional or chronic poverty. I don't mean less empathic in a callous way. I mean perspective. As in, genuinely doesn't understand what it is like to struggle financially. "A loaf of bread costs only £1.50. What is so hard about buying that every day?"
b) is a lot more common than a) and c). To be honest, I don't blame them because they are often expected to boot the bill when socialising. In a group of friends at a pub, the wealthiest person is usually expected to pay the bill for all. They are also frequently overcharged when renovating a house or car.
But yeah, the a) group does relish in finding bargains or making most of money-saving tips. More to do with buzz/thrill than money, I think.
Could you point out exactly where the envy lies? Envy has nothing to do with it.
OK... a box of chocolates isn't a terrible present, especially when they aren't a cheap brand. The teatowel made me lol though. But, it shouldn't matter, he bought her something.
The envy is in what you say. Your OP...
He can easily afford to do so much better.
So what if he can? You're conflating money with effort. I could spend a lot of money and not put a bit of effort into it. Like I could buy my mother an iPad... she'd look at me as if I had gone mental. She is a technophobe who can't even use a mobile phone.
Maybe he didn't put a huge amount of thought in, maybe he didn't know what to get her and didn't get the hints, maybe he couldn't get what he intended to get her. Maybe he felt that it was a nice sentiment to buy her some chocolates and at least he bought proper ones and not a £5 box from Tesco.
He thinks nothing of disposing of £15 a time in Costa coffee time and again, and has recently spent 11K on a new car, yet for someone and something special just once a year? Is it too much to ask? The idea that you made time and a little bit of thought?
This is what screams resentment IMO, you have said "he can afford it" and the tone of this... you are talking about him as though he lives a lavish lifestyle with examples that don't sound like a lavish lifestyle.
"He thinks nothing of disposing of £15 a time in Costa coffee time and again."
That's hardly living a lavish lifestyle... that's quite normal.
"and has recently spent 11K on a new car"
11k on a car isn't a big deal. 11k buys you a normal car, if you said he bought a new Merc or Audi or an expensive sports car or something maybe there would be some weight in that, but making an issue over an 11k car screams of resentment I'm afraid.
You talk as though he pulled up on Christmas Day in a brand new sports car with a trophy wife, wearing a designer suit and a Rolex.
Your first two posts on the subject are bringing up how much he can afford to spend... and ironically with examples that don't indicate someone well off.
The more some people acquire, the tighter they seem to become I'm afraid. But from my own perspective it is not about the £££ but about investing some time, thought, effort and appreciation first and foremost.
Other poster keeps on about "stirring the pot" which is not something I have even mentioned doing! A short brief discussion between mother and son (me) about the issue is hardly stirring. I'm just pleased I kept my own mouth shut over Christmas Day & Boxing Day when I felt like saying something highly sarcastic to my brother over his present buying abilities! I was sorely tempted, but behaved.
I think you should say something next November such as coming up with an idea and suggesting you both go in fir a joint present for your mother. if your intention is that she gets something nice from her sons then that might be a constructive way if doing it. Or do the I was thinking if getting x for mum or might do y and ask him which he thinks she'd prefer. If he really finds it hard to come up with ideas that would help. Ic he just can't be bothered you will also know to leave him to it In future
I think the fact that the op hasnt said what he got his mum says a lot (unless i missed that post in which case i apologise).
It sounds like either the op spent a lot on his mum and she seemed to appreciate both presents equally so the op is peed off that his brother got away with not spending a lot. Or the op scrimped out on his mothers present thinking his brother would spend hundreds of pounds therefore it could be implied it was a joint decision as to what to get.
What doesnt make sense is the op said his mum is a giver and polite and accepts gifts with good intent and doesnt get upset when she doesnt get a lot. Then he said she had been dropping hints to the brother as to what she would like? So which is it? Dropping hints of expensive gifts then getting disappointed or being happy with what was chosen as she prefers to give?
No rift, or competitive issue. Just a disappointment that a little more effort couldn't be made on my mothers behalf this Christmas, considering her own efforts in his direction. That's all. Is that so wrong of me?
It's not wrong of you - you obviously have your mum's interests at heart. The size of the gift doesn't reflect the extent of the love of the giver, though. Some people just don't know what to buy. Present-buying is a bit of a minefield, but it shouldn't be that way. It becomes complicated if someone says "Oh don't bother getting me anything - I've got everything I need." If that person then complains at the lack of gift, or the size of the gift, they only have themselves to blame, really.
Remember Robert5430 who was always moaning that he couldn't compete with his wonderful popular sister? I bet he wished his sister would have made a faux pas such as gifting a tea towel!
My husband gave me a teatowel with a picture of Ireland on it when he visited some friends there. When my daughter saw me dry a cup on it she seemed surprised it was a teatowel, I asked her what the hell she thought it was. "a cloth map", never let her live that one down. I didn't mind being given a tea towel though it wasn't a xmas present, it's the thought that counts, not the money spent.
I think the fact that the op hasnt said what he got his mum says a lot (unless i missed that post in which case i apologise).
It sounds like either the op spent a lot on his mum and she seemed to appreciate both presents equally so the op is peed off that his brother got away with not spending a lot. Or the op scrimped out on his mothers present thinking his brother would spend hundreds of pounds therefore it could be implied it was a joint decision as to what to get.
What doesnt make sense is the op said his mum is a giver and polite and accepts gifts with good intent and doesnt get upset when she doesnt get a lot. Then he said she had been dropping hints to the brother as to what she would like? So which is it? Dropping hints of expensive gifts then getting disappointed or being happy with what was chosen as she prefers to give?
Happy to state what I bought her for Christmas. A decent spec paper shredder that she was keen on getting hold of and a Kindle leather cover with light, to put the actual Kindle that I bought her last year into. Plus I bought her some e-books for it, and a calendar.
She was indeed asked what she might like, gave a couple of modest suggestions, yet they were ignored. So be it, but why ask then? There is no competition between our present buying whatsoever. I'd be thrilled if he outdid me! I also wish he had come to me behind her back and asked for some suggestions which I would have been happy to forward.
Happy to state what I bought her for Christmas. A decent spec paper shredder that she was keen on getting hold of and a Kindle leather cover with light, to put the actual Kindle that I bought her last year into. Plus I bought her some e-books for it, and a calendar.
She was indeed asked what she might like, gave a couple of modest suggestions, yet they were ignored. So be it, but why ask then? There is no competition between our present buying whatsoever. I'd be thrilled if he outdid me! I also wish he had come to me behind her back and asked for some suggestions which I would have been happy to forward.
Those are nice gifts. My husband has a thing for paper shredders and that would be his dream present.:) I'd love the Kindle cover. My oldest son (the only one with an income as yet) got me a Pandora charm for my charm bracelet, which he buys me every year (he bought me the bracelet itself for my birthday, a couple of years back).
You're so the favourite child after this (if one of my sons gave me a tea towel, even as an ironic present, I'd stick it where the sun don't shine). It's good to be the favourite child.;-)
Generally mums don't care for gifts from their kids at all. My adult son wrote me a beautiful note of thanks. He's been going through a rough time and he wanted to make sure my support was appreciated. It made me cry
It's not wrong of you - you obviously have your mum's interests at heart. The size of the gift doesn't reflect the extent of the love of the giver, though. Some people just don't know what to buy. Present-buying is a bit of a minefield, but it shouldn't be that way. It becomes complicated if someone says "Oh don't bother getting me anything - I've got everything I need." If that person then complains at the lack of gift, or the size of the gift, they only have themselves to blame, really.
The perfect gift for the person who says they want "nothing" when you ask what they want for Christmas/birthdays etc .... ;-):D
I don't think you sound materialistic, I think you sound competitive ;-)
This! When you consider the OPs comments about his brother having a lot of money one can't help wondering if he wants to knock his brother down a peg or two in order to compensate for some feelings of comparative inadequacy/lack of success?
I find it hard to buy anything for my mum for Christmas. I can't buy her clothes as she orders them from Germany and she orders them from a catalogue, I can't buy her jewellery as she never wears it, I can't buy her perfume as she only wears a particular one which is only available in Spain, I can't buy her DVDs as she hardly ever watches them, I can't buy her CDs as she's very fussy about music and probably has it all, she's not a computer geek so anything tech-related is out (even though she has a laptop and iPad), she's diabetic so she can't eat sweets and chocolates... I just give up She does crochet but she has everything she needs for that. She likes flowers and plants but it's the wrong time of year for that.
Happy to state what I bought her for Christmas. A decent spec paper shredder that she was keen on getting hold of and a Kindle leather cover with light, to put the actual Kindle that I bought her last year into. Plus I bought her some e-books for it, and a calendar.
She was indeed asked what she might like, gave a couple of modest suggestions, yet they were ignored. So be it, but why ask then? There is no competition between our present buying whatsoever. I'd be thrilled if he outdid me! I also wish he had come to me behind her back and asked for some suggestions which I would have been happy to forward.
Ah!
Just been howling at a post on another forum from a mum who was gifted a "decent spec" paper shredder. She'd rather have had new tea towels.
I think people are being a bit hard on the OP here. I would be annoyed if my brother bought my mum chocs and a tea towel, too - not necessarily because I think he should spend more money or whatever, but because the amount of thought (and OK, money too, to an extent) that goes into a present does say something about how much you value the recipient, like it or not. If he only gave her chocs and a generic tea towel I would see that as him not giving a crap about someone I love.
Generally mums don't care for gifts from their kids at all. My adult son wrote me a beautiful note of thanks. He's been going through a rough time and he wanted to make sure my support was appreciated. It made me cry
I think people are being a bit hard on the OP here. I would be annoyed if my brother bought my mum chocs and a tea towel, too - not necessarily because I think he should spend more money or whatever, but because the amount of thought (and OK, money too, to an extent) that goes into a present does say something about how much you value the recipient, like it or not. If he only gave her chocs and a generic tea towel I would see that as him not giving a crap about someone I love.
Thanks Pickwick, this is my own viewpoint summed up perfectly in your own post. That was the upshot of my thinking, thought and appreciation, a little time and effort at least ONCE a year.
I cannot believe how misunderstood I have been on this thread. Maybe it's been answered by a disproportionate amount of lazy misers at Christmas!
Just been howling at a post on another forum from a mum who was gifted a "decent spec" paper shredder. She'd rather have had new tea towels.
I giggled at this, I was thinking that my mum would be asking me if I was having a breakdown or something if I purchased her a shredder.
You see OP, presents are a strange thing and are personal... and is can be a minefield. Different people are different and what you may think is a well thought out gift another person may think is ludicrous.
Thanks Pickwick, this is my own viewpoint summed up perfectly in your own post. That was the upshot of my thinking, thought and appreciation, a little time and effort at least ONCE a year.
I cannot believe how misunderstood I have been on this thread. Maybe it's been answered by a disproportionate amount of lazy misers at Christmas!
Then why do you bleat on about his wealth and capability to spend more money so much... because you have.
If you hadn't made such an issue about money and how much better you did, you would probably had a completely different reception to this thread. Like asking if we felt a box of chocolates and a tea towel was thoughtless and lazy and leaving it at that, without bringing how much money he has into it.
You might not get a unanimous "yes", you would probably get a reasonable amount of questioning whether it could be something else, like not being good at presents or something else.
Comments
Yes it is. My username is quite clear too ;-)
Not really. There are three camps that sometimes overlap:
a) Wealthier a person, more keen on finding bargains, being frugal and/or saving money .
b) Wealthier a person, more paranoid the person is about being overcharged or ripped off
c) Wealthier a person, less empathic the person is towards those stuck in institutional or chronic poverty. I don't mean less empathic in a callous way. I mean perspective. As in, genuinely doesn't understand what it is like to struggle financially. "A loaf of bread costs only £1.50. What is so hard about buying that every day?"
b) is a lot more common than a) and c). To be honest, I don't blame them because they are often expected to boot the bill when socialising. In a group of friends at a pub, the wealthiest person is usually expected to pay the bill for all. They are also frequently overcharged when renovating a house or car.
But yeah, the a) group does relish in finding bargains or making most of money-saving tips. More to do with buzz/thrill than money, I think.
OK... a box of chocolates isn't a terrible present, especially when they aren't a cheap brand. The teatowel made me lol though. But, it shouldn't matter, he bought her something.
The envy is in what you say. Your OP...
So what if he can? You're conflating money with effort. I could spend a lot of money and not put a bit of effort into it. Like I could buy my mother an iPad... she'd look at me as if I had gone mental. She is a technophobe who can't even use a mobile phone.
Maybe he didn't put a huge amount of thought in, maybe he didn't know what to get her and didn't get the hints, maybe he couldn't get what he intended to get her. Maybe he felt that it was a nice sentiment to buy her some chocolates and at least he bought proper ones and not a £5 box from Tesco.
This is what screams resentment IMO, you have said "he can afford it" and the tone of this... you are talking about him as though he lives a lavish lifestyle with examples that don't sound like a lavish lifestyle.
"He thinks nothing of disposing of £15 a time in Costa coffee time and again."
That's hardly living a lavish lifestyle... that's quite normal.
"and has recently spent 11K on a new car"
11k on a car isn't a big deal. 11k buys you a normal car, if you said he bought a new Merc or Audi or an expensive sports car or something maybe there would be some weight in that, but making an issue over an 11k car screams of resentment I'm afraid.
You talk as though he pulled up on Christmas Day in a brand new sports car with a trophy wife, wearing a designer suit and a Rolex.
Your first two posts on the subject are bringing up how much he can afford to spend... and ironically with examples that don't indicate someone well off.
It was a Tweet Towel with a personalised message of 140 characters.
I thought it was quite funny.
You should have bought her a rocking chair and a motel, it's the only gift that says 'I love you'.
I think you should say something next November such as coming up with an idea and suggesting you both go in fir a joint present for your mother. if your intention is that she gets something nice from her sons then that might be a constructive way if doing it. Or do the I was thinking if getting x for mum or might do y and ask him which he thinks she'd prefer. If he really finds it hard to come up with ideas that would help. Ic he just can't be bothered you will also know to leave him to it In future
It sounds like either the op spent a lot on his mum and she seemed to appreciate both presents equally so the op is peed off that his brother got away with not spending a lot. Or the op scrimped out on his mothers present thinking his brother would spend hundreds of pounds therefore it could be implied it was a joint decision as to what to get.
What doesnt make sense is the op said his mum is a giver and polite and accepts gifts with good intent and doesnt get upset when she doesnt get a lot. Then he said she had been dropping hints to the brother as to what she would like? So which is it? Dropping hints of expensive gifts then getting disappointed or being happy with what was chosen as she prefers to give?
It's not wrong of you - you obviously have your mum's interests at heart. The size of the gift doesn't reflect the extent of the love of the giver, though. Some people just don't know what to buy. Present-buying is a bit of a minefield, but it shouldn't be that way. It becomes complicated if someone says "Oh don't bother getting me anything - I've got everything I need." If that person then complains at the lack of gift, or the size of the gift, they only have themselves to blame, really.
Happy to state what I bought her for Christmas. A decent spec paper shredder that she was keen on getting hold of and a Kindle leather cover with light, to put the actual Kindle that I bought her last year into. Plus I bought her some e-books for it, and a calendar.
She was indeed asked what she might like, gave a couple of modest suggestions, yet they were ignored. So be it, but why ask then? There is no competition between our present buying whatsoever. I'd be thrilled if he outdid me! I also wish he had come to me behind her back and asked for some suggestions which I would have been happy to forward.
Those are nice gifts. My husband has a thing for paper shredders and that would be his dream present.:) I'd love the Kindle cover. My oldest son (the only one with an income as yet) got me a Pandora charm for my charm bracelet, which he buys me every year (he bought me the bracelet itself for my birthday, a couple of years back).
You're so the favourite child after this (if one of my sons gave me a tea towel, even as an ironic present, I'd stick it where the sun don't shine). It's good to be the favourite child.;-)
No gift got close to that.
The perfect gift for the person who says they want "nothing" when you ask what they want for Christmas/birthdays etc .... ;-):D
http://theawesomer.com/the-gift-of-nothing/62329/
How would she get it through the door?!
This! When you consider the OPs comments about his brother having a lot of money one can't help wondering if he wants to knock his brother down a peg or two in order to compensate for some feelings of comparative inadequacy/lack of success?
Ah!
Just been howling at a post on another forum from a mum who was gifted a "decent spec" paper shredder. She'd rather have had new tea towels.
Thanks Pickwick, this is my own viewpoint summed up perfectly in your own post. That was the upshot of my thinking, thought and appreciation, a little time and effort at least ONCE a year.
I cannot believe how misunderstood I have been on this thread. Maybe it's been answered by a disproportionate amount of lazy misers at Christmas!
I giggled at this, I was thinking that my mum would be asking me if I was having a breakdown or something if I purchased her a shredder.
You see OP, presents are a strange thing and are personal... and is can be a minefield. Different people are different and what you may think is a well thought out gift another person may think is ludicrous.
Then why do you bleat on about his wealth and capability to spend more money so much... because you have.
If you hadn't made such an issue about money and how much better you did, you would probably had a completely different reception to this thread. Like asking if we felt a box of chocolates and a tea towel was thoughtless and lazy and leaving it at that, without bringing how much money he has into it.
You might not get a unanimous "yes", you would probably get a reasonable amount of questioning whether it could be something else, like not being good at presents or something else.