It's over and I'm terrified
Juliamidlands
Posts: 703 Forum Member
✭✭
My fiance and I have been together for almost three years, and our relationship has reached the end of the line, and I'm leaving him later this morning.
For anyone who has read any of my previous posts, you may have seen that we have had some horrific rows which have desended into violence on many occasions, and the police have been called twice this year (by concerned neighbours). I cannot sit here and lie and say he is some kind of wife-beater, the violence has come from both sides. Last night was the most recent time this happened, and resulted in me being left with a bleeding left eye - accidental (?) poke from him during the fight, (it is OK now I think), he would say (and has many times today!) that it is ENTIRELY my fault but he is very very good with his words and refuses to accept any part in arguments. The eye thing was really not a good thing to happen to me as my left eye is affected by a facial birthmark I have, and I therefore have an increased blood flow on that side of my face, which is why my eye bled a lot.
As I said for anyone who has read any of my previous posts, we have had problems for quite a while and a lot of them are related to the fact his family are not a nice bunch and have been nasty to me on numerous occasions, I have tried to tell myself that I would have been marrying him and not his family but it is very very difficult and putting up with the usual c**p at his family gatherings this Christmas has only, once again, highlighted the problem. He is very good at making it seem like it is me with the problem, although he has agreed that even he doesnt feel like he fits in with his family (he likes to think of himself as oh so superior and more intelligent than them).There are more issues in the relationship than his family alone but I dont want to go into everything now- not really one major thing, but lots of little things.
I am 29 and we were supposed to be getting married next year, but the wedding plans got put on hold earlier this year when I became out of work- he frequently tells me what a good person he is for 'letting me live off his money' (we have a joint bank account) , I have had some temp work this year but nothing that has lasted, I have been jobhunting very hard but frustratingly I am still out of work, like so many people. Of course, I get this thrown back at me in arguments, which hurts - a lot. He is very, very tight with money, always has been, and he does hurt me with the comments he makes in the heat of the moment.
I have tried to leave before, but am met with rolled eyes, comments such as "You'll never do it, where are you going to go with no money and no job"? and "Oh stop being so down and cheer up", so I have felt for some time like I am banging my head against a brick wall. He has also threatened to phone up the benefits office and get my payments of Jobseekers Allowance frozen (it is in my name only, as he works so doesnt claim anything, and it goes into our joint account). I have this evening transferred my most recent JSA payments from the joint account to my own bank account which I had before we moved in together (it had a zero balance as I no longer used it), so at least I have a tiny amount of my own money now.
I have somewhere to go and stay, a friend has offered me their spare room with no worries about rent or bills for the time being until I find a job, unfortunately this is not in my hometown so I am not going to know a single person there apart from my friend (she is a good friend, known her for a very long time), but I really have no other choice, I have told my parents everything earlier this evening and they are both upset and supportive but we know that me moving back there is just not an option. So I plan on going to my friend's place tomorrow early afternoon, when I have loaded my car full of my stuff.
But I am so upset and so very scared for my uncertain future, which is why I am here, for support and advice (please!) , I'm 30 next year, I thought we'd be trying for a baby this time next year and now this has happened. I will also miss my fiance, like most relationships, it wasn't all bad and we do have good memories which I will miss.
I'm in pieces.
For anyone who has read any of my previous posts, you may have seen that we have had some horrific rows which have desended into violence on many occasions, and the police have been called twice this year (by concerned neighbours). I cannot sit here and lie and say he is some kind of wife-beater, the violence has come from both sides. Last night was the most recent time this happened, and resulted in me being left with a bleeding left eye - accidental (?) poke from him during the fight, (it is OK now I think), he would say (and has many times today!) that it is ENTIRELY my fault but he is very very good with his words and refuses to accept any part in arguments. The eye thing was really not a good thing to happen to me as my left eye is affected by a facial birthmark I have, and I therefore have an increased blood flow on that side of my face, which is why my eye bled a lot.
As I said for anyone who has read any of my previous posts, we have had problems for quite a while and a lot of them are related to the fact his family are not a nice bunch and have been nasty to me on numerous occasions, I have tried to tell myself that I would have been marrying him and not his family but it is very very difficult and putting up with the usual c**p at his family gatherings this Christmas has only, once again, highlighted the problem. He is very good at making it seem like it is me with the problem, although he has agreed that even he doesnt feel like he fits in with his family (he likes to think of himself as oh so superior and more intelligent than them).There are more issues in the relationship than his family alone but I dont want to go into everything now- not really one major thing, but lots of little things.
I am 29 and we were supposed to be getting married next year, but the wedding plans got put on hold earlier this year when I became out of work- he frequently tells me what a good person he is for 'letting me live off his money' (we have a joint bank account) , I have had some temp work this year but nothing that has lasted, I have been jobhunting very hard but frustratingly I am still out of work, like so many people. Of course, I get this thrown back at me in arguments, which hurts - a lot. He is very, very tight with money, always has been, and he does hurt me with the comments he makes in the heat of the moment.
I have tried to leave before, but am met with rolled eyes, comments such as "You'll never do it, where are you going to go with no money and no job"? and "Oh stop being so down and cheer up", so I have felt for some time like I am banging my head against a brick wall. He has also threatened to phone up the benefits office and get my payments of Jobseekers Allowance frozen (it is in my name only, as he works so doesnt claim anything, and it goes into our joint account). I have this evening transferred my most recent JSA payments from the joint account to my own bank account which I had before we moved in together (it had a zero balance as I no longer used it), so at least I have a tiny amount of my own money now.
I have somewhere to go and stay, a friend has offered me their spare room with no worries about rent or bills for the time being until I find a job, unfortunately this is not in my hometown so I am not going to know a single person there apart from my friend (she is a good friend, known her for a very long time), but I really have no other choice, I have told my parents everything earlier this evening and they are both upset and supportive but we know that me moving back there is just not an option. So I plan on going to my friend's place tomorrow early afternoon, when I have loaded my car full of my stuff.
But I am so upset and so very scared for my uncertain future, which is why I am here, for support and advice (please!) , I'm 30 next year, I thought we'd be trying for a baby this time next year and now this has happened. I will also miss my fiance, like most relationships, it wasn't all bad and we do have good memories which I will miss.
I'm in pieces.
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Comments
http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx
or go to the Citizens' Advice Bureau.
Breakups are never easy, but this sounds like you've been building up the courage. Now the deed is done, the shock (can't think of a better word) is kicking in.
Give it time. Your safety is important. Good luck. *hugs*
Remind yourself why you're doing what you are, especially when you begin to miss him. When I divorced, there were times I'd feel lonely and then I'd remind myself what I was really missing out on. The sadness, the mistreatment, the nastiness and the violence.
You have a very good friend there.
You still can have children, marriage and all the things you dreamed of, just not with this man. There will be another life for you, a calmer and happier life.
All the best OP and I hope everything goes well for you.
You're telling me. I fear that when I told him I was going, he didn't take me at all seriously, he rolled his eyes at me. And yes a part of me feels very, very sad- this is the flat we have shared for two years, we've built our home here, it's only a rented flat but it was still our home. All the stuff surrounding me as I sit here in the lounge, it's stuff we have bought together (and don't even ask- he's keeping the lot). He is working today, and will be up in a few hours, I haven't even been to bed as even though I am tired I have been sitting here and have put together a word document of all the financial stuff I need to sort out tomorrow when I've moved across to my friends house. Right now this feels as if the pain will never end.
There are so many warning signs in what you have said above, it is not a relationship to try to rebuild, it sounds as if there is too little respect for you, that will not change even if he promises the earth to get you back.
You are lucky to have a friend happy to help you out, more willingly than your 'life partner', it says a lot about him and how he would have been as a parent. It will take time for you to gain confidence in yourself again, you have shown strength in making the big decision to get your life back, now you are free to try for a fun job, something different? Good luck.
Read back your posts and try and look at it from what we see. You are better off at your friends and I only hope that you don't tell him where you are going.
I know it's hard - I've just had a similar realisation about someone of 30 years!!!, but what is the point of a one-sided relationship. You say that his family arn't very nice, well take a proper look at him, he is exactly the same.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to give support from another side. You are worth much more than what you have been getting.
Good luck and please try and stay away from him and don't get back with him - he won't change.
Your new, safe future begins today.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, where my ex didn't want me to spend time with my friends. I remember watching an episode of the Royale Family and thinking **** that's (ex's name's) family, and I'm the girlfriend. I really don't want to live like this! (It sounds funny but really it wasn't at the time!) I called up my friends who came to help me and sorted me out, after two years of ignoring them!
Once you regain your freedom and independance, you'll feel so much better. You can also start putting you first for a change!
People have to make new starts at many points in their lives. It is scary, but the relief when you are out of a hurtful relationship is immense. It really is.
You are lucky that you have a safe place to stay. Many people don't have that. It will provide you with a firm base to build everything else.
I really hope that's across town and not across the road. Mind you, beggers can't be choosers where a spare bed is offered.
As for leaving stuff behind, it will take a while but one day you will have your own home, with your own stuff, again. Good luck.
You sound very sensible with the whole money side and as he's not your husband, he has very little claim to anything you own or earn but do check your rights. I found that Women's Aid helpline fantastic at guiding me through the money and legal side so do call them if you are struggling both emotionally and practically http://www.womensaid.org.uk
I left uni to be with a man who promised me the world and delivered just blow after blow of abuse and I left with nothing but the clothes I stood in. I'm now with another man in a lovely house, married for several years and so happy with him, and finally in a good job. It is so hard to see beyond what you've left isn't it? I think that's because you get isolated from the world by your partner but don't let that put you off your decision and remember why you're going to do this.
Take care (big hug)
It isn't easy to walk away from an abusive relationship but you have to do it - it will only get worse if you stay. I've beent here, done it and had the sleepless nights of crying from fear of the future. But you do have a future without him.
It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Bit by bit, you'll get your confidence and independence back. I know you have said you want a baby, but please don't rush into anything until you are settled and happy. You need time alone to work out what you do want out of life, as well as what you don't.
God luck, stay strong and take one step at a time.
It's very hard in the beginning, VERY hard, but the hard part is - as others have said - the actual process of leaving. It's like ripping off a very huge and painful plaster - the sooner it's done, the quicker the pain eases.
My mother has recently started dating again, and can't remember when she felt happier: You're only 29 - you have plenty of time to start a family, and whilst plans may be put on hold for a few years, it'll be well worth the wait.
You can do it, just take it one step at a time, and your life will soon improve.
The good thing is you are moving in with a friend as you dont want to be alone at this point. I had a good friend who wasnt working and was at a loose end so we hung around together every day and night for 2 months. This helped as the phone calls and texts from my ex were constant and I needed to be around someone. You will be OK in the end, yes you have a rocky time ahead, but you will face it and get through it as leaving is the hardest bit, The hardest step is this first one. Get your things together and run.
You will feel like a big weight has been lifted off your shoulders and can start to see each day as it comes. Dont look to the future, see each day or week as it comes for now. Focus on looking for work and get your friend to get the girls round for a night on the vino and gossiping with the girls. Remember to have some laughs too, if you can blot out your troubles for one night even, do so, and you will get stronger. Good luck to you. You deserve the best, always.
It has to be said as a man he is much stronger and will inflict more damage.You are the one with the black eye not him.Are you afraid of being alone, not meeting someone else.Is not being alone better than this bitter existence.?
This man neither loves nor respects you, You dont abuse and belittle people you love. Do you love him really, it sounds like you dont even like him much or respect him.There is nothing to like or respect about him.He is exactly like the rest of his family and has the same traits.
Of course its daunting starting out again,You are entitled to half of mutually bought property, take it.
This man is controlling and manipulative, dont believe anything he says.He takes no personal responsibility for his actions and plays the victim blame game.He not you is accountable for his actions.He has to be right so puts you in the wrong.He is an "always right man" the worst kind.
Get out of this dysfunctional, toxic relationship before instead of a black eye, you are on a mortuary slab.Dont be so quick to take the blame for his actions or make excuses for him.We are all responsible for the choices we make, including him.Time you made some better ones.
There comes a time when you stop being a victim and become a volunteer.
Get some counseling to repair your confidence and self worth.Build up emotional independence so you can be happy alone.No man can make us happy, it comes from within from our attitudes and thoughts about ourselves.
Build up personal boundaries about respect and how you want to be treated, that you will not tolerate anyone crossing.Stick to them.Have zero tolerance for any kind of abuse or violence.
He is toxic pure and simple.Leave and dont look back.
I couldn't go to my friends place in the end- turned out it really wasnt a good time for them to be having anyone else living there- it's OK though, I thought it was a bit too good to be true, anyway I dont have anywhere else to go and he won't leave (he doesnt have anywhere else to go either plus I dont think he is fully accepting at the moment that it is over) so I'm going to purchase a new bed later today and move into the spare room in our flat, that really is all I can do. The landlord has currently got this flat on the market so it will be sold sometime next year I'm guessing, so I will have to stay here until then, there isn't anything else I can do.
I have this morning had a telephone interview for a job and it went well and they would like to see me for a face-to-face interview in early January so that's good
Nothing else really to say at the moment, I'm not in any danger and am really just having to take life as it comes right now x