You know what- this is so painful. I wish you could press a button and stop loving someone. It physically hurts this morning. I know there are people out there going through much much worse than me but that doesn't seem help at the moment.
You know what- this is so painful. I wish you could press a button and stop loving someone. It physically hurts this morning. I know there are people out there going through much much worse than me but that doesn't seem help at the moment.
((((((((fitnessqueen)))))))
In all honesty I don't think there is much worse than what you are going through. I lost my father earlier this year and I was shocked that it didn't have the intensity of a relationship ending. It leads to all sort of guilt because we think we should feel different things in different situations.
A relationship break up was the worse thing I have ever felt and in all honesty took a couple of years before I could think of that person without that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I hope you have plenty of support from your boys and friends. It will get better eventually.
Thank you-it's a long story about how we met but we had texted for a while and then he came to meet me after the two fitness classes I teach on a Tuesday morning. Every week since then I have walked to the car park and pictured him standing there next to his car looking nervous. I am teaching there this morning.
Thank you-it's a long story about how we met but we had texted for a while and then he came to meet me after the two fitness classes I teach on a Tuesday morning. Every week since then I have walked to the car park and pictured him standing there next to his car looking nervous. I am teaching there this morning.
Trying to avoid old haunts can be a nightmare. At this time, just about anything is going to remind you of him no matter how banal. Its the sole thing on your mind, there is no time scale for these things unfortunately.
Please pm me if you want to.
An update - reading this thread today makes me realise I don't feel any better after three weeks. I get a text from the ex every evening to say goodnight- otherwise no contact. I cracked last Wednesday and texted him to say how much I was hurting - he replied "I know, sorry. Don't know what to say". I have no idea what he is thinking- I know he has gone to France for a week today- he goes on his own every year on his motorbike to camp by a lake and does Tai Chi with other martial arts fans. I guess he will do his thinking and let me know what he has decided when he gets back. I feel like I have an axe hanging over my head- I keep dreaming that he is sitting next to me holding my hand and then I wake up.
My boys are at home this weekend- last night I went to bed at about 8.30 and left them to get themselves to bed etc. as I couldn't bear to be awake any more. I went to the doctor last week who told me that there was a long waiting list for counselling and I can't afford to go privately. She told me to go back in two weeks if not feeling better but with all the Swine Flu panic I don't think I'll take up an appointment that could be better used elsewhere.
I have been trying to pick up the threads of friendships where I live after effectively ignoring people due to travelling 100 miles to his place on every free weekend but people here have their own lives and I don't like to intrude. I so miss the town he lives in and our mutual friends there- I keep getting flashbacks of the sea, the beach, places we have been together, happy times and it just hurts.
Sorry for long post- bit pointless really as I know the only thing that can help me is time. Just feel so low this morning.
I am so sorry that you are so upset and just wanted to give you a (((((((((((hug)))))))))))))
It sounds like he is very undecided about what is more important at this stage in his life - you or having a family. I wonder if this week alone in France will somehow give him the space to focus his thoughts on what direction he wants his life to take.
It is horrible being in limbo. I think that if he hasn't got his act together after this break then it is a problem that he won't resolve with any ease.
The big problem with fundamental problems like this is that you may get back together but it may rear its head again when someone he knows has a baby or gets pregnant.
I think you need to give him his week away to clear his head and then I think you need to be prepared to walk away.
I am so sorry that you are so upset and just wanted to give you a (((((((((((hug)))))))))))))
It sounds like he is very undecided about what is more important at this stage in his life - you or having a family. I wonder if this week alone in France will somehow give him the space to focus his thoughts on what direction he wants his life to take.
It is horrible being in limbo. I think that if he hasn't got his act together after this break then it is a problem that he won't resolve with any ease.
The big problem with fundamental problems like this is that you may get back together but it may rear its head again when someone he knows has a baby or gets pregnant.
I think you need to give him his week away to clear his head and then I think you need to be prepared to walk away.
Thank you-I am trying to prepare myself to walk away but I can't stop myself hoping that we will get back together. I think the catalyst for the whole thing has been our friend getting pregnant with a boy earlier this year- her baby is due soon. To be honest most of our friends and family are in their forties now and dealing with older children and teenagers so I think this will be the last baby on the horizon for a while.
My younger son had just suggested we go down to Worthing for the afternoon and I burst into tears because that was where we always took the boys when we were together and he was staying up here. I feel so sorry for my boys- I'm not being a good mum to them at all at the moment.
I don't know why you're letting him dictate which way the relationship goes. You shouldn't let him leave you hanging like this.
You don't live together, you live 100 miles apart, why settle for a part time relationship? You already says he makes no effort with your children. Why should you have to have a baby and do all the work while he swans off?
The friends pregnancies may be done with, but that does not mean his desire will be gone. Walking past pregnant strangers, babies in strollers and even watching you with your children will remind him of what he has given up for you. I fear that he is realising his desire to have children is not lessening and he does not want to hurt you, so he struggles with it. If he continues to deny his own wish he may end up resenting you. Do you really want him to give up his dream for you? I am not sure I could ask that of someone.
I don't know why you're letting him dictate which way the relationship goes. You shouldn't let him leave you hanging like this.
You don't live together, you live 100 miles apart, why settle for a part time relationship? You already says he makes no effort with your children. Why should you have to have a baby and do all the work while he swans off?
Sounds like you could do a lot better to me.
He doesn't want me to have a baby- he knows I don't want one. I made the decision four years ago, partly due to the living arrangements and his job keeping him away all week. If he is to have children he will have to go out and find someone younger than me. That is why we have split up- he has to decide if he wants a life with me and no possibility of children but loads of freedom to do what he wants or a life with someone else who may or may not be able to give him a family.
The friends pregnancies may be done with, but that does not mean his desire will be gone. Walking past pregnant strangers, babies in strollers and even watching you with your children will remind him of what he has given up for you. I fear that he is realising his desire to have children is not lessening and he does not want to hurt you, so he struggles with it. If he continues to deny his own wish he may end up resenting you. Do you really want him to give up his dream for you? I am not sure I could ask that of someone.
I know all this- I have always felt guilt about not giving him a biological child but he insisted that I shouldn't have a baby just for that reason. I'm not sure he has realised the implications though- he has a one bedroom flat in negative equity (he owes me £19,000 that I took from my house equity for a deposit), a two seater sports car and a powerful motorbike. He likes time on his own- he gets frequent migraines and is horrible to be with when he has them. He likes to take himself off on his motorbike and camp on his own a couple of times a year. He has just got a new job which will mean he lives in London all week and comes home at weekends- for two years. He smokes heavily and is overweight. All these things would have to change for him. He is hardly perfect dad material at the age of 41.
I know all this- I have always felt guilt about not giving him a biological child but he insisted that I shouldn't have a baby just for that reason. I'm not sure he has realised the implications though- he has a one bedroom flat in negative equity (he owes me £19,000 that I took from my house equity for a deposit), a two seater sports car and a powerful motorbike. He likes time on his own- he gets frequent migraines and is horrible to be with when he has them. He likes to take himself off on his motorbike and camp on his own a couple of times a year. He has just got a new job which will mean he lives in London all week and comes home at weekends- for two years. He smokes heavily and is overweight. All these things would have to change for him. He is hardly perfect dad material at the age of 41.
I'm sounding bitter now and I don't want to be.
You could pick apart a lot of peoples lifestyles as potential parents and buying all the gadgets and treats in the world, but that desire to have a child of your own does not care about such things. A free lifestyle and material things are poor compensation in the long run. They are good if you do not want a child anyway, but if you do they will become empty as the desire only gets stronger. He would not ask you to bear him a child, but you ask him to give that up for you. I wish you could resolve it, but to me it seems hopeless and that any reconciliation would just prolong the inevitable.
You could pick apart a lot of peoples lifestyles as potential parents and buying all the gadgets and treats in the world, but that desire to have a child of your own does not care about such things. A free lifestyle and material things are poor compensation in the long run. They are good if you do not want a child anyway, but if you do they will become empty as the desire only gets stronger. He would not ask you to bear him a child, but you ask him to give that up for you. I wish you could resolve it, but to me it seems hopeless and that any reconciliation would just prolong the inevitable.
Yes I think you are probably right. We have been so close even though we didn't live together- he is totally the love of my life and I can't imagine not having him there anymore. It feels like I have lost a part of me. I am not asking him to give it up for me at all- I have given him the time he asked for to make a decision. Yes I can't help hoping that it turns out to be a bit of a mid life crisis and when he actually thinks about it he realises that his life is pretty good but if he has that strong desire still then of course I would let him go.
Yes I think you are probably right. We have been so close even though we didn't live together- he is totally the love of my life and I can't imagine not having him there anymore. It feels like I have lost a part of me. I am not asking him to give it up for me at all- I have given him the time he asked for to make a decision. Yes I can't help hoping that it turns out to be a bit of a mid life crisis and when he actually thinks about it he realises that his life is pretty good but if he has that strong desire still then of course I would let him go.
I hate to say it, but by leaving the decision in his hands you are most definitely asking him to choose.
I understand you are both torn and I do not envy your situation, but you are asking him to choose and if he does choose you and comes to regret it, then that will be what drives him away from you.
You know you have the option to end it rather than forcing him to choose, understandably you want to hold the possibility of a happy ending. I hope rather than believe you will get it.
I hate to say it, but by leaving the decision in his hands you are most definitely asking him to choose.
I understand you are both torn and I do not envy your situation, but you are asking him to choose and if he does choose you and comes to regret it, then that will be what drives him away from you.
You know you have the option to end it rather than forcing him to choose, understandably you want to hold the possibility of a happy ending. I hope rather than believe you will get it.
When he told me his feelings three weeks ago I did say that the best thing to do would be to let him go and find someone else. He just shook his head and said he wanted us to have a few weeks apart so he could think. I wish I could press a button and stop loving him and I wish I had been strong enough to finish it then and I wish I was strong enough to finish it now.
OP I know exactly how you feel as I've been through similar.
I'd been married 20 odd years to the love of my life, 2 kids etc. I was 15 and he was 20 when we met. In my case he had a nervous breakdown. Afterwards he didn't know what he wanted, me or space and freedom. I, like you felt I was waiting around for him to make his mind up. He kept telling me how much he loved me but something had changed.
To cut a very long story short, in the end I got angry. It wasn't me who'd changed, it was him. For whatever reason he wanted me to change my life to suit him.
Like you, I spent a long time hoping he'd go back to how he was. Eventually I asked him to leave, and he did.
You don't stop loving someone because circumstances dictate that you're not together. I still love him to this day and we parted some years ago. But, if you don't take control of your own life you just exist.
My advice would be to start living your own life without him. Make your own plans for you and your kids. It's the only way to get stronger. It's tough I know but there's something to be said about being independent. If he thinks you're there and waiting for him to make up his mind you could be in the place you are forever. If he sees you getting along without him, it will soon make his mind up. Just don't get your hopes up to much. Good luck x
Thank you Mutleykaz. I always did live independently of him during the week anyway- it's weekends that are hard. As I posted earlier I have been trying to pick up the threads of friendships etc here but it's a bit like "Hi I know I've not seen you for eight years but I've just been dumped- fancy going out for a pizza?" I have had a couple of nights out recently and felt much better afterwards and then I wake up the next morning feeling as s***t as ever. If I was my friend I would be wanting to give me a good slap! It has helped to chat on here today though and get people's advice- I also have the Samaritans on speed dial at the moment....
Thank you Mutleykaz. I always did live independently of him during the week anyway- it's weekends that are hard. As I posted earlier I have been trying to pick up the threads of friendships etc here but it's a bit like "Hi I know I've not seen you for eight years but I've just been dumped- fancy going out for a pizza?" I have had a couple of nights out recently and felt much better afterwards and then I wake up the next morning feeling as s***t as ever. If I was my friend I would be wanting to give me a good slap! It has helped to chat on here today though and get people's advice- I also have the Samaritans on speed dial at the moment....
I don't see anything wrong in saying that to your friends.
Anyway, it's times like this you have to dig deep for your kids if not yourself.
I think you should feel free to contact your friends even if you've not seen them for a while, true friends will just be glad you got back in touch. And I think you should also feel like you can see the mutual friends you have in the town that he lives in. Just because you two split up doesn't mean you have to cut ties with them.
It's so hard to know whether this is a genuine urge or a mlc. I'm not sure if he would find the reality of a baby compatible with his lifestyle as you describe it.
On the one hand it may seem sensible to cut all ties. On the other, it does seem a possible, if faint hope that he might return.
Fitness Queen, if they are good friends they really won't mind you doing that. I've had it done to me and I've also done it myself. Real true friends are those you can pick up with again even if you haven't seen them for months or years
I wish you luck, I have no advice really as I don't know what I would do either.
Thanks all- I have contacted some friends. Unfortunately I lost some when I split with my ex husband as I left him for the guy who has just finished with me- now that's what I call karma.....
I know all this- I have always felt guilt about not giving him a biological child but he insisted that I shouldn't have a baby just for that reason. I'm not sure he has realised the implications though- he has a one bedroom flat in negative equity (he owes me £19,000 that I took from my house equity for a deposit), a two seater sports car and a powerful motorbike. He likes time on his own- he gets frequent migraines and is horrible to be with when he has them. He likes to take himself off on his motorbike and camp on his own a couple of times a year. He has just got a new job which will mean he lives in London all week and comes home at weekends- for two years. He smokes heavily and is overweight. All these things would have to change for him. He is hardly perfect dad material at the age of 41.
I'm sounding bitter now and I don't want to be.
Blimey, I know it's a bit childish, but read this when you're feeling low. You've made him sound such a catch. Remind yourself what you are getting rid of and it may help to get you through.
Comments
((((((((fitnessqueen)))))))
In all honesty I don't think there is much worse than what you are going through. I lost my father earlier this year and I was shocked that it didn't have the intensity of a relationship ending. It leads to all sort of guilt because we think we should feel different things in different situations.
A relationship break up was the worse thing I have ever felt and in all honesty took a couple of years before I could think of that person without that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I hope you have plenty of support from your boys and friends. It will get better eventually.
Trying to avoid old haunts can be a nightmare. At this time, just about anything is going to remind you of him no matter how banal. Its the sole thing on your mind, there is no time scale for these things unfortunately.
Please pm me if you want to.
My boys are at home this weekend- last night I went to bed at about 8.30 and left them to get themselves to bed etc. as I couldn't bear to be awake any more. I went to the doctor last week who told me that there was a long waiting list for counselling and I can't afford to go privately. She told me to go back in two weeks if not feeling better but with all the Swine Flu panic I don't think I'll take up an appointment that could be better used elsewhere.
I have been trying to pick up the threads of friendships where I live after effectively ignoring people due to travelling 100 miles to his place on every free weekend but people here have their own lives and I don't like to intrude. I so miss the town he lives in and our mutual friends there- I keep getting flashbacks of the sea, the beach, places we have been together, happy times and it just hurts.
Sorry for long post- bit pointless really as I know the only thing that can help me is time. Just feel so low this morning.
It sounds like he is very undecided about what is more important at this stage in his life - you or having a family. I wonder if this week alone in France will somehow give him the space to focus his thoughts on what direction he wants his life to take.
It is horrible being in limbo. I think that if he hasn't got his act together after this break then it is a problem that he won't resolve with any ease.
The big problem with fundamental problems like this is that you may get back together but it may rear its head again when someone he knows has a baby or gets pregnant.
I think you need to give him his week away to clear his head and then I think you need to be prepared to walk away.
Thank you-I am trying to prepare myself to walk away but I can't stop myself hoping that we will get back together. I think the catalyst for the whole thing has been our friend getting pregnant with a boy earlier this year- her baby is due soon. To be honest most of our friends and family are in their forties now and dealing with older children and teenagers so I think this will be the last baby on the horizon for a while.
My younger son had just suggested we go down to Worthing for the afternoon and I burst into tears because that was where we always took the boys when we were together and he was staying up here. I feel so sorry for my boys- I'm not being a good mum to them at all at the moment.
You don't live together, you live 100 miles apart, why settle for a part time relationship? You already says he makes no effort with your children. Why should you have to have a baby and do all the work while he swans off?
Sounds like you could do a lot better to me.
He doesn't want me to have a baby- he knows I don't want one. I made the decision four years ago, partly due to the living arrangements and his job keeping him away all week. If he is to have children he will have to go out and find someone younger than me. That is why we have split up- he has to decide if he wants a life with me and no possibility of children but loads of freedom to do what he wants or a life with someone else who may or may not be able to give him a family.
I know all this- I have always felt guilt about not giving him a biological child but he insisted that I shouldn't have a baby just for that reason. I'm not sure he has realised the implications though- he has a one bedroom flat in negative equity (he owes me £19,000 that I took from my house equity for a deposit), a two seater sports car and a powerful motorbike. He likes time on his own- he gets frequent migraines and is horrible to be with when he has them. He likes to take himself off on his motorbike and camp on his own a couple of times a year. He has just got a new job which will mean he lives in London all week and comes home at weekends- for two years. He smokes heavily and is overweight. All these things would have to change for him. He is hardly perfect dad material at the age of 41.
I'm sounding bitter now and I don't want to be.
You could pick apart a lot of peoples lifestyles as potential parents and buying all the gadgets and treats in the world, but that desire to have a child of your own does not care about such things. A free lifestyle and material things are poor compensation in the long run. They are good if you do not want a child anyway, but if you do they will become empty as the desire only gets stronger. He would not ask you to bear him a child, but you ask him to give that up for you. I wish you could resolve it, but to me it seems hopeless and that any reconciliation would just prolong the inevitable.
Yes I think you are probably right. We have been so close even though we didn't live together- he is totally the love of my life and I can't imagine not having him there anymore. It feels like I have lost a part of me. I am not asking him to give it up for me at all- I have given him the time he asked for to make a decision. Yes I can't help hoping that it turns out to be a bit of a mid life crisis and when he actually thinks about it he realises that his life is pretty good but if he has that strong desire still then of course I would let him go.
I hate to say it, but by leaving the decision in his hands you are most definitely asking him to choose.
I understand you are both torn and I do not envy your situation, but you are asking him to choose and if he does choose you and comes to regret it, then that will be what drives him away from you.
You know you have the option to end it rather than forcing him to choose, understandably you want to hold the possibility of a happy ending. I hope rather than believe you will get it.
When he told me his feelings three weeks ago I did say that the best thing to do would be to let him go and find someone else. He just shook his head and said he wanted us to have a few weeks apart so he could think. I wish I could press a button and stop loving him and I wish I had been strong enough to finish it then and I wish I was strong enough to finish it now.
I'd been married 20 odd years to the love of my life, 2 kids etc. I was 15 and he was 20 when we met. In my case he had a nervous breakdown. Afterwards he didn't know what he wanted, me or space and freedom. I, like you felt I was waiting around for him to make his mind up. He kept telling me how much he loved me but something had changed.
To cut a very long story short, in the end I got angry. It wasn't me who'd changed, it was him. For whatever reason he wanted me to change my life to suit him.
Like you, I spent a long time hoping he'd go back to how he was. Eventually I asked him to leave, and he did.
You don't stop loving someone because circumstances dictate that you're not together. I still love him to this day and we parted some years ago. But, if you don't take control of your own life you just exist.
My advice would be to start living your own life without him. Make your own plans for you and your kids. It's the only way to get stronger. It's tough I know but there's something to be said about being independent. If he thinks you're there and waiting for him to make up his mind you could be in the place you are forever. If he sees you getting along without him, it will soon make his mind up. Just don't get your hopes up to much. Good luck x
I don't see anything wrong in saying that to your friends.
Anyway, it's times like this you have to dig deep for your kids if not yourself.
I think you should feel free to contact your friends even if you've not seen them for a while, true friends will just be glad you got back in touch. And I think you should also feel like you can see the mutual friends you have in the town that he lives in. Just because you two split up doesn't mean you have to cut ties with them.
It's so hard to know whether this is a genuine urge or a mlc. I'm not sure if he would find the reality of a baby compatible with his lifestyle as you describe it.
On the one hand it may seem sensible to cut all ties. On the other, it does seem a possible, if faint hope that he might return.
I wish you luck, I have no advice really as I don't know what I would do either.
Blimey, I know it's a bit childish, but read this when you're feeling low. You've made him sound such a catch. Remind yourself what you are getting rid of and it may help to get you through.