I do love a good touch of the divine or two. Natalie's in particular was as superb and probably as terrifying as her namesake's.
I choose to believe that she didn't run up the stairs to Claud 9 like all the others. She closed her eyes, attained a state of perfect nirvana and levitated up.
(I would've put that in the episode proper, but I think I should at least finish the series before jumping the shark like that)
Victoria's utter disdain for the Charleston is a thing of beauty.
(As was Natalie's touching the divine, but in a very different way.)
They're ALL things of beauty, all my children. (Excuse me getting paternal here)
I figured it's been too long since somebody transparently hated the Charleston. I say too long, it's probably been three weeks, my memory is kaput today.
Now we've reached the end of the single-dance stage of the competition, and we're about to enter what they call End of Series Madness, let's have a nice, calm and collected Stat Attack.
AVERAGES CHART Jonas Nay & Oti - 34.70
Samantha Barks & Brendan - 33.50
Katherine Ryan & Aljaž - 32.90
Natalie Horler & Gleb - 32.90 Christopher Dean & Kristina - 32.00
Jermaine Jenas & Aliona - 31.78 Ben Willbond & Joanne - 30.60
Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin - 25.00 Jamie Laing & Iveta - 24.20
Patrick Grant & Natalie - 24.13
Maggie Alphonsi & Pasha - 21.00
Helen Lederer & Trent - 19.43
Anne Diamond & Giovanni - 19.00
David Mitchell & Karen - 17.67
Matthew Wright & Janette - 10.50
The average score so far is 28.07. The weekly average score has increased every week, and Week 10’s is the highest so far at 32.71.
Seven different celebrities have topped the leaderboard, all of them multiple times, but only five remain in the competition after the shock exits of Christopher and Jermaine. Jonas, Katherine and Samantha have all topped or jointly-topped the leaderboard three times so far, while Ben and Natalie have each topped or jointly-topped it twice.
Of the remaining celebrities, Natalie retains the title of Bottom Two Goddess, having fallen into jeopardy three times (but hasn’t visited the dance-off in over a month now). Samantha has been in danger twice (these past two consecutive weeks), while Ben and Victoria have each had one dice with elimination. Only Jonas and Katherine have managed to escape the death zone so far.
So... as this is Movies & Musicals week (because they're basically interchangeable on the I've mocked up a mini-trailer (entirely in words of course) in which I give you whackingly unsubtle clues as to the movie and the musical each celebrity is dancing to this week (/hopefully tomorrow)
MOVIE TRAILER
Ben in a tuxedo, while Joanne-as-early-2000s-vocoder-Madonna yells ‘SIIIGMUND FREUD! ANALYSE THIS!’ in a cod-Germanic accent in the background (I’ve never seen [TITLE REDACTED], but I can guarantee that sentence was more interesting than anything that happened in that film) (ARGENTINE TANGO)
Samantha selling out her dirty cheating label boss husband, and laying down some platinum records, while Diana Ross looks on from the sides and scowls at these hacks taking a steaming dump all over her life story (AMERICAN SMOOTH)
Victoria exposing the music industry for brainwashing the youth of America into excessive capitalism and buying whatever they want them to buy (so a bit similar to Samantha, but is Samantha wearing pussycat ears the whole time? NO.) (QUICKSTEP)
Jonas pop-and-locking, playing the cello, and making a creme brulée simultaneously, while Oti screams ‘NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! STICK TO THE STUFF YOU KNOW!’, so Jonas goes and overacts his teenage angst on a golf course (SALSA)
Katherine in a white pantsuit in a window cleaner’s cart that’s speeding down a building out of control, screaming enough to blow Aljaž’s eardrums out, and holding a Golden Globe that says ‘I beat Meryl’. (VIENNESE WALTZ)
Natalie emerging from a cryogenic freezer in a bald cap plotting to hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! (SAMBA)
MUSICAL TRAILER
Samantha becomes a flapper and scandalises old ladies, all the while being chased by... white slavers? (CHARLESTON)
Victoria plays the piano and starts recording legendary confessional albums and teaching the world about knowing your own self-worth (RUMBA)
Katherine becomes a drag king who’s pretending to be a drag queen who’s pretending to be a shady dame from Seville or somesuch (PASO DOBLE)
Jonas fools around dressed as a sailor, while constructing a fake beard out of dog’s hair (I had to look this musical’s plot up, it’s a weird one) (QUICKSTEP)
Natalie learns English elocution from Professor Gleb Savchenko, and it goes as well as you’d expect, so off they go to Ascot (QUICKSTEP)
Ben sits down at a table with twelve of his friends, and starts telling him the bread is his body and the wine is his blood: they don’t seem quite as hungry now (RUMBA)
So this week, you get to guess both the movie/musical and the song that best fits (/has been crowbarred into) the dance, you lucky lucky lucky people. Happy guessing, and see you tomorrow!
Welcome to the pen-penultimate week of STRICTLY: Dance Apocalyptic, as the competition heats up and we reach the quarter-finals, the contestants learn two dances, which are themed around both the Movies (Some Of Which Are Musicals), and the Musicals (Some Of Which Are Movies). Who will be a box office smash, and who will be Katherine Heigl? And the stars of our show are...
From Horrible Histories, actor Ben Willbond and his partner Joanne Clifton
From Deutschland 83, actor Jonas Nay and his partner Oti Mabuse
Comedian and presenter Katherine Ryan and her partner Aljaž Skorjanec
From Cascada, singer Natalie Horler and her partner Gleb Savchenko
Star of stage and screen Samantha Barks and her partner Brendan Cole
Writer and presenter Victoria Coren Mitchell and her partner Kevin Clifton
Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton
Argentine Tango - Die Another Day - Die Another Day
(This could be the Madonna stan in me talking, but this song is way underrated. It has ‘SIGMUND FREUD! ANALYSE THIS!’, what more do you want? Way better than Skyfall, man)
Yes, even in the fantasy series there’s no escape from that cliché the main series forces upon its male cast because I-don’t-know-what-can-you-even-talk-about-with-straight-men-anyway: the sexy-sexy James Bond blowie pistol fun-time hour! I once read Joanne doesn’t enjoy dances where she has to act sexy, and... I think she’s trying to approach Bond girl by way of Marilyn Monroe. Or possibly Marilyn Manson, who knows. Ben looks good in a tux, and is having a whale of a time playing James Bond dress-up (although the lip-smacking grin ruins the moment a bit). The dancing? More than a bit laboured, and both of them look uncomfortable trying to sex each other up. Guess what they’re dancing next round? Rumba? OH JOY!
Scores: 6 + 7 + 8 + 8 = 29
Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton
Quickstep - 3 Small Words - Josie and the Pussycats
Victoria and Kevin fumble around with some very inflatable-looking guitars for their early 2000s pop-punk quickstep, in which Kevin keeps overdancing while Victoria is finding it hard to even underdance (though she’s having a lot of fun pretending to be Tara Reid). Also, Kevin dressed as your average early 2000s tween-movie crush object while also sporting kitten ears is a lot to take in (I’m almost longing for that pink leopard-print he wore for Kellie Bright’s Boom Boom samba). It truly redefines rock and roll, in that Victoria is rocking back and forth for most of the dance, and then when it’s finished, Kevin almost has to roll her across the floor, such is her fatigue. She asks Bruno if she can have his chair, since he never does much sitting in it anyway.
Scores: 6 + 6 + 7 + 7 = 26
Katherine Ryan & Aljaž Skorjanec
Viennese Waltz - You Don’t Own Me - The First Wives Club
Katherine is trying to channel Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton, Sarah Jessica Parker AND Dame Maggie Smith all at once (which sounds pretty exhausting, because the female cast of this movie is stacked). Craig dings her for not really bringing the spirit of the movie across, but it’s fairly hard to do a female-emancipation Viennese Waltz if she has to spend most of it clinging onto Aljaž (but she does give him the classic throw-all-the-bags-at-him-and-shove-him-out-the-door move as pioneered by St Natalie Lowe in Scott Maslen’s jive). It ends with her striding and dancing offstage in triumph, just like the ending shot of the movie, but then she forgets to come back onstage again, so Tess is forced to make small talk with Aljaž and neither of them is equipped for that at all.
Scores: 9 + 9 + 10 + 10 = 38
Natalie Horler & Gleb Savchenko
Samba - Soul Bossa Nova - Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Although it seems (if wardrobe’s anything to go by) as if Gleb is meant to be playing the Austin Powers part, and Natalie is some random demented girl in a miniskirt, there’s only one sex-crazed psychedelically-dressed gurn-tastic socially maladjusted German pop singer in this joint, and she is BOUNCY tonight. Bruno jokes that she might just have invented the triple-bounce, at which Natalie clasps her hands protectively over her bosoms (which is a wise move when hanging around Bruno, to be fair). Natalie spends most of the time when she’s not dancing yelling ‘GROOVY BABY!’ to literally any question, although the accent causes those ever-reliable BBC subtitlers to transcribe it as ‘Groupie Beppe’.
Scores: 9 + 10 + 9 + 9 = 37
Jonas Nay & Oti Mabuse
Salsa - Bop to the Top - High School Musical
Since last week’s The Prettiest Star these two have been doubling down on the super-smug song choices but Bop to the Top is really just tempting fate. It’s all very Sharpay and Ryan (but not Disney Channel Ashley Tisdale quality, I mean touring production of High School Musical quality), and about as authentically Latin too. The hip action is negligible, and the shimmies are like he’s being tasered. It all culminates with a spectacularly biffed lift, which ends with Oti having to drop into spontaneous splits with her face planted in Jonas’ crotch (well, there are worse ways to go wrong). All through the (rather savage) aftermath Oti is clearly mumbling reassuredly to herself ‘two dances, underdog, journeyjourneyjourney, comeback dance, comeback dance’ until she starts rocking back and forth. She all but assaults the usherette on the way up and grabs as many boxes of popcorn as she can carry to comfort-eat in the ladies’ toilets.
Scores: 7 + 8 + 8 + 8 = 31
Samantha Barks & Brendan Cole
American Smooth - Listen - Dreamgirls
Samantha’s American Smooth is a return to form, even though she’s clearly trying to facially emulate Natalie’s hysterical foxtrot from last week all the way through (which is so unworkable for her it’s hilarious). All she really needs to do is be a little more Beyoncé/Diana Ross/Deena, but after the last couple of the weeks she’s a bit too Anika Noni Rose/Lorrell. But at least she’s not being *looks up the cast list of Dreamgirls* Michelle Morris, so Bruno can still comfortably give her a 10. (This point of the competition where the judges don’t hide how partial they are is hilarious fun: Karen with Natalie, Bruno with Samantha, Alesha with Katherine (I guess?) and... I guess Craig is partial to rigging Victoria the hell out of here).
Scores: 9 + 9 + 9 + 10 = 37
Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton
Rumba - I Don’t Know How To Love Him - Jesus Christ Superstar
Ben and Joanne have come as Jesus and Mary Magdalene, which is a step in an entirely new direction for Strictly: blasphemy! And if Joanne was a bit uncomfortable playing a Bond Girl, now she gets to play an actual biblical sex worker! And once again, I risk repeating myself because if they were uncomfortable enough touching each other up in the Argentine Tango, it stands to reason they wouldn’t be much keener on doing the same dance again but slower and while rotating their hips like they’re at their first Couples’ Sensual Hula Hooping class. Sadly it is judged in the same way every time a man even sets foot near a rumba, with all the usual waffle, so I can’t even make sacriligious puns about Ben getting crucified, so what even is the point?
Scores: 7 + 8 + 8 + 8 = 31
Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton
Rumba - Will You Love Me Tomorrow? - Beautiful: The Carole King Musical
And so as the feverish madness of the End of the Series engulfs all of the pros (and maybe two of the celebrities), Kevin’s coping strategy is to burrow even harder into the Seventies. After playing Karen Carpenter twice, Victoria is now Carole King. Having been given the death-slot and two of the most exposing dances technique-wise, all the signs are saying ‘goodbye dance’. If so, this one was well-played, maybe because Victoria doesn’t have to dress up as a Christmas ballerina and do a bum-slide across the floor (yes, Frankie’s rumba still haunts me). It’s understated and quite tasteful, there’s a creditable amount of hip action, and there’s no unnecessary frotting or dry-humping (because Victoria would disembowel Kevin if he so much as hooked a leg up on her, which could be an interesting look for their Argentine Tango if they get through to next week).
Scores: 8 + 8 + 8 + 8 = 32
Katherine Ryan & Aljaž Skorjanec
Paso Doble - The Shady Dame from Seville - Victor/Victoria
(I've been saving this song up for a long time, but now the Julie Andrews version that sounds like a Paso has been taken down from YouTube, and I swear I can't find it for love nor money on the internet or on Spotify, so you'll have to take my word for it that it would make a killer Paso)
For starters, this following Paso Doble may not be appropriate for all ages due to its disturbing content. And by disturbing, I mean this could be marmite, because Katherine’s back to the old days of gurning and huffing and blowing her cheeks out like a pufferfish. There’s some weapons-grade flamenco, a lot of prowling and circling each other, and her willingness to risk life and limb has carried over from her Salsa to this week, because there’s a very dramatic drop where she’s just inches from breaking her neck. The judges go potty for it, though Craig wonders if she might have been a little TOO into it (Craig, there’s no ‘might’ about it) but plays ball anyway. For the second week running, there’s some very conspicuous mentions of just how HARD Katherine is working, and how many HOURS she’s put in... now I’m no Poirot, but this smells like a STORYLINE!
Scores: 9 + 10 + 10 + 10 = 39
Natalie Horler & Gleb Savchenko
Quickstep - I Could Have Danced All Night - My Fair Lady
Gleb has decided to redeem and refine Natalie through the power of My Fair Lady (like she’s a sportswoman or a Chelsee Healey), and Natalie’s attempt at the Cockney accent in the comedy VT is a thing to hear (only once, and then get ear surgery - ROIT YUUU ORRR ENREE IGGINS!). Craig calls it all very laboured and a bit pedestrian, while Karen has got the Len Goodman For Dummies out of the library and proclaims that ‘[She] Could Have [Watched That] All Night’. Natalie has decided to adopt the Queen’s English (like, a proper plummy Windsor accent) for one night as a ‘character choice’ (alright, Daniel Day-Lewis) but it’s really just an excuse to freak everyone out with the uncanny valley voice that emerges, and for her to cackle in their faces and run away again. Claudia, finally, has run out of ways to out-weird Natalie, and so has to force her into naturalistic conversation. It’s a weird look on both of them.
Scores: 8 + 10 + 9 + 10 = 37
Jonas Nay & Oti Mabuse
Quickstep - You’re the Top - Anything Goes
Oti begins reciting - nay, yelling - the ‘you think some teabag can compete with you?’ bit from the beginning of song at Jonas in the training room (which would be the first amusing comedy VT of the series were it not so based in truth). So Jonas rolls out dressed as a sailor (obligatory ‘hello sailor!’) and all hell breaks loose. It’s a Quickstep full of impeccable styling and blatant showing off, jeté after jeté, springing along like Tigger, flabbergasting Charleston sections, a false finish which means they get a standing ovation from the middle of the dance right the way through to the end (go Oti, you shameless gooser). This is the second dance proclaiming him to be the TOP, but the only one to justify it (and it gives the judges some easy puns). Craig finally decides it’s time for the 40, and yet it still only gets him to 4th place on the leaderboard. And it just goes to show in life, for all the noise a guy makes about being a top, in the end he’s usually just a big old bottom.
Scores: 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 = 40
Samantha Barks & Brendan Cole
Charleston - Thoroughly Modern Millie - Thoroughly Modern Millie
Samantha has been forced into that same black roadkill-shaped bob that was used for almost every theme week in series 13, and now more resembles a monk’s tonsure. After Samantha’s disaster fortnight, every point counts, and Brendan is forced to swallow a dance he transparently loathes because he’s got a West End Ringer, and if they aren’t good at this dance, what else could they possibly do? It’s primed as a showstopper - Samantha throws herself into lifts and tricks every which way she can, and has a bad case of the Cheshire Cat grin - but it fizzles because these two just ain’t in sync for significant chunks (but of course this gets glossed over so the judges can rig her up the top again).
Scores: 9 + 9 + 10 + 10 = 38
Well, if nothing else, musicals starring Julie Andrews and/or Sutton Foster have had a good night, haven't they?
BOTTOM TWO
Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton v Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton
And once again, our bottom two is filled with returnees (and it’s our second all-Clifton bottom two of the series! The Jordans must be salivating). It seems like it could go either way, considering Ben opts for his lower-scoring Argentine Tango (because maybe dressing up as Jesus twice might rather put a dent in his bottom two bounce next week) while Victoria chooses to reprise her higher-scoring Rumba, but the unanimous decision comes as no surprise. Victoria is gracious and self-deprecating in defeat, but not self-deprecating enough to resist getting in one last parting crack at the judges (Vicky C-M as your next Comedy Central Roastmaster, please), and then stopping herself before it all gets a bit Jan Ravens. But, heart-warmingly, of all the couples that couldn’t stand the sight of one another, the ice here has melted, and though Victoria still views Kevin as a most beguiling... thing, they speak genuinely warmly about each other, and she even lets him lift her in their goodbye dance. Before staring down the camera lens, silently counting down till the show goes off-air, and she can break the land-speed record in running off to the Strictly bar to get royally smashed.
SAFE (Votes): Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton (Craig, Karen, Alesha, Bruno)
ELIMINATED (Votes): Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton
If it makes you feel any better, she was originally due to go out last week, but when I saw that everyone else (and not just me) liked her, I decided to swap her and Jamie round. So there's that.
I am loving this series though! Not sure what I'll do when it's finished. Hopefully you've got another in the pipeline.
I might just have another provisional cast written down, and a couple of song ideas. But this series took a lot out of me to write, so if I do another series, then it won't be for a while (I've been writing this one since July/August). Got to recharge the batteries and all that.
As devastated as I am by this bottom two, I love the way you embrace and interpret the Strictly bullshit (Samantha's Charleston redemption arc) in this series.
As devastated as I am by this bottom two, I love the way you embrace and interpret the Strictly bullshit (Samantha's Charleston redemption arc) in this series.
Sometimes the bullshit is my favourite part, maybe because it's all so familiar (but not often though).
Semi-final will be up Tuesday or Wednesday, I think, if I keep writing at this pace. Then hopefully by this time next week, it'll all be over.
I might've just now opened up a new document and titled it 'SCD Dance Apocalyptic 2'... but if I do write it, it won't be up for a good while yet, just because this one took a loooong time.
Comments
(As was Natalie's touching the divine, but in a very different way.)
I choose to believe that she didn't run up the stairs to Claud 9 like all the others. She closed her eyes, attained a state of perfect nirvana and levitated up.
(I would've put that in the episode proper, but I think I should at least finish the series before jumping the shark like that)
They're ALL things of beauty, all my children. (Excuse me getting paternal here)
I figured it's been too long since somebody transparently hated the Charleston. I say too long, it's probably been three weeks, my memory is kaput today.
Jonas Nay & Oti - 34.70
Samantha Barks & Brendan - 33.50
Katherine Ryan & Aljaž - 32.90
Natalie Horler & Gleb - 32.90
Christopher Dean & Kristina - 32.00
Jermaine Jenas & Aliona - 31.78
Ben Willbond & Joanne - 30.60
Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin - 25.00
Jamie Laing & Iveta - 24.20
Patrick Grant & Natalie - 24.13
Maggie Alphonsi & Pasha - 21.00
Helen Lederer & Trent - 19.43
Anne Diamond & Giovanni - 19.00
David Mitchell & Karen - 17.67
Matthew Wright & Janette - 10.50
HIGHEST SCORERS
American Smooth - Jonas Nay & Oti (39)
Argentine Tango - Katherine Ryan & Aljaž (36)
Cha-Cha-Cha - Natalie Horler & Gleb (36)
Charleston - Jonas Nay & Oti (34)
Foxtrot - Natalie Horler & Gleb (39)
Jive - Katherine Ryan & Aljaž (39)
Paso Doble - Jonas Nay & Oti (38)
Quickstep - Jermaine Jenas & Aliona, Samantha Barks & Brendan (36)
Rumba - Samantha Barks & Brendan (34)
Salsa - Samantha Barks & Brendan (38)
Samba - Jonas Nay & Oti, Katherine Ryan & Aljaž (32)
Tango - Natalie Horler & Gleb (37)
Viennese Waltz - Jonas Nay & Oti, Ben Willbond & Joanne (34)
Waltz - Katherine Ryan & Aljaž, Samantha Barks & Brendan (38)
The average score so far is 28.07. The weekly average score has increased every week, and Week 10’s is the highest so far at 32.71.
Seven different celebrities have topped the leaderboard, all of them multiple times, but only five remain in the competition after the shock exits of Christopher and Jermaine. Jonas, Katherine and Samantha have all topped or jointly-topped the leaderboard three times so far, while Ben and Natalie have each topped or jointly-topped it twice.
Of the remaining celebrities, Natalie retains the title of Bottom Two Goddess, having fallen into jeopardy three times (but hasn’t visited the dance-off in over a month now). Samantha has been in danger twice (these past two consecutive weeks), while Ben and Victoria have each had one dice with elimination. Only Jonas and Katherine have managed to escape the death zone so far.
Samantha selling out her dirty cheating label boss husband, and laying down some platinum records, while Diana Ross looks on from the sides and scowls at these hacks taking a steaming dump all over her life story (AMERICAN SMOOTH)
Victoria exposing the music industry for brainwashing the youth of America into excessive capitalism and buying whatever they want them to buy (so a bit similar to Samantha, but is Samantha wearing pussycat ears the whole time? NO.) (QUICKSTEP)
Jonas pop-and-locking, playing the cello, and making a creme brulée simultaneously, while Oti screams ‘NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! STICK TO THE STUFF YOU KNOW!’, so Jonas goes and overacts his teenage angst on a golf course (SALSA)
Katherine in a white pantsuit in a window cleaner’s cart that’s speeding down a building out of control, screaming enough to blow Aljaž’s eardrums out, and holding a Golden Globe that says ‘I beat Meryl’. (VIENNESE WALTZ)
Natalie emerging from a cryogenic freezer in a bald cap plotting to hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!! (SAMBA)
Victoria plays the piano and starts recording legendary confessional albums and teaching the world about knowing your own self-worth (RUMBA)
Katherine becomes a drag king who’s pretending to be a drag queen who’s pretending to be a shady dame from Seville or somesuch (PASO DOBLE)
Jonas fools around dressed as a sailor, while constructing a fake beard out of dog’s hair (I had to look this musical’s plot up, it’s a weird one) (QUICKSTEP)
Natalie learns English elocution from Professor Gleb Savchenko, and it goes as well as you’d expect, so off they go to Ascot (QUICKSTEP)
Ben sits down at a table with twelve of his friends, and starts telling him the bread is his body and the wine is his blood: they don’t seem quite as hungry now (RUMBA)
So this week, you get to guess both the movie/musical and the song that best fits (/has been crowbarred into) the dance, you lucky lucky lucky people. Happy guessing, and see you tomorrow!
I can confirm that one, or both, or neither of these things will happen in the last few shows.
Welcome to the pen-penultimate week of STRICTLY: Dance Apocalyptic, as the competition heats up and we reach the quarter-finals, the contestants learn two dances, which are themed around both the Movies (Some Of Which Are Musicals), and the Musicals (Some Of Which Are Movies). Who will be a box office smash, and who will be Katherine Heigl? And the stars of our show are...
From Deutschland 83, actor Jonas Nay and his partner Oti Mabuse
Comedian and presenter Katherine Ryan and her partner Aljaž Skorjanec
From Cascada, singer Natalie Horler and her partner Gleb Savchenko
Star of stage and screen Samantha Barks and her partner Brendan Cole
Writer and presenter Victoria Coren Mitchell and her partner Kevin Clifton
Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton
Argentine Tango - Die Another Day - Die Another Day
(This could be the Madonna stan in me talking, but this song is way underrated. It has ‘SIGMUND FREUD! ANALYSE THIS!’, what more do you want? Way better than Skyfall, man)
Yes, even in the fantasy series there’s no escape from that cliché the main series forces upon its male cast because I-don’t-know-what-can-you-even-talk-about-with-straight-men-anyway: the sexy-sexy James Bond blowie pistol fun-time hour! I once read Joanne doesn’t enjoy dances where she has to act sexy, and... I think she’s trying to approach Bond girl by way of Marilyn Monroe. Or possibly Marilyn Manson, who knows. Ben looks good in a tux, and is having a whale of a time playing James Bond dress-up (although the lip-smacking grin ruins the moment a bit). The dancing? More than a bit laboured, and both of them look uncomfortable trying to sex each other up. Guess what they’re dancing next round? Rumba? OH JOY!
Scores: 6 + 7 + 8 + 8 = 29
Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton
Quickstep - 3 Small Words - Josie and the Pussycats
Victoria and Kevin fumble around with some very inflatable-looking guitars for their early 2000s pop-punk quickstep, in which Kevin keeps overdancing while Victoria is finding it hard to even underdance (though she’s having a lot of fun pretending to be Tara Reid). Also, Kevin dressed as your average early 2000s tween-movie crush object while also sporting kitten ears is a lot to take in (I’m almost longing for that pink leopard-print he wore for Kellie Bright’s Boom Boom samba). It truly redefines rock and roll, in that Victoria is rocking back and forth for most of the dance, and then when it’s finished, Kevin almost has to roll her across the floor, such is her fatigue. She asks Bruno if she can have his chair, since he never does much sitting in it anyway.
Scores: 6 + 6 + 7 + 7 = 26
Viennese Waltz - You Don’t Own Me - The First Wives Club
Katherine is trying to channel Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton, Sarah Jessica Parker AND Dame Maggie Smith all at once (which sounds pretty exhausting, because the female cast of this movie is stacked). Craig dings her for not really bringing the spirit of the movie across, but it’s fairly hard to do a female-emancipation Viennese Waltz if she has to spend most of it clinging onto Aljaž (but she does give him the classic throw-all-the-bags-at-him-and-shove-him-out-the-door move as pioneered by St Natalie Lowe in Scott Maslen’s jive). It ends with her striding and dancing offstage in triumph, just like the ending shot of the movie, but then she forgets to come back onstage again, so Tess is forced to make small talk with Aljaž and neither of them is equipped for that at all.
Scores: 9 + 9 + 10 + 10 = 38
Natalie Horler & Gleb Savchenko
Samba - Soul Bossa Nova - Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Although it seems (if wardrobe’s anything to go by) as if Gleb is meant to be playing the Austin Powers part, and Natalie is some random demented girl in a miniskirt, there’s only one sex-crazed psychedelically-dressed gurn-tastic socially maladjusted German pop singer in this joint, and she is BOUNCY tonight. Bruno jokes that she might just have invented the triple-bounce, at which Natalie clasps her hands protectively over her bosoms (which is a wise move when hanging around Bruno, to be fair). Natalie spends most of the time when she’s not dancing yelling ‘GROOVY BABY!’ to literally any question, although the accent causes those ever-reliable BBC subtitlers to transcribe it as ‘Groupie Beppe’.
Scores: 9 + 10 + 9 + 9 = 37
Salsa - Bop to the Top - High School Musical
Since last week’s The Prettiest Star these two have been doubling down on the super-smug song choices but Bop to the Top is really just tempting fate. It’s all very Sharpay and Ryan (but not Disney Channel Ashley Tisdale quality, I mean touring production of High School Musical quality), and about as authentically Latin too. The hip action is negligible, and the shimmies are like he’s being tasered. It all culminates with a spectacularly biffed lift, which ends with Oti having to drop into spontaneous splits with her face planted in Jonas’ crotch (well, there are worse ways to go wrong). All through the (rather savage) aftermath Oti is clearly mumbling reassuredly to herself ‘two dances, underdog, journeyjourneyjourney, comeback dance, comeback dance’ until she starts rocking back and forth. She all but assaults the usherette on the way up and grabs as many boxes of popcorn as she can carry to comfort-eat in the ladies’ toilets.
Scores: 7 + 8 + 8 + 8 = 31
Samantha Barks & Brendan Cole
American Smooth - Listen - Dreamgirls
Samantha’s American Smooth is a return to form, even though she’s clearly trying to facially emulate Natalie’s hysterical foxtrot from last week all the way through (which is so unworkable for her it’s hilarious). All she really needs to do is be a little more Beyoncé/Diana Ross/Deena, but after the last couple of the weeks she’s a bit too Anika Noni Rose/Lorrell. But at least she’s not being *looks up the cast list of Dreamgirls* Michelle Morris, so Bruno can still comfortably give her a 10. (This point of the competition where the judges don’t hide how partial they are is hilarious fun: Karen with Natalie, Bruno with Samantha, Alesha with Katherine (I guess?) and... I guess Craig is partial to rigging Victoria the hell out of here).
Scores: 9 + 9 + 9 + 10 = 37
Natalie Horler & Gleb Savchenko - 37
Samantha Barks & Brendan Cole - 37
Jonas Nay & Oti Mabuse - 31
Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton - 29
Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton - 26
Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton
Rumba - I Don’t Know How To Love Him - Jesus Christ Superstar
Ben and Joanne have come as Jesus and Mary Magdalene, which is a step in an entirely new direction for Strictly: blasphemy! And if Joanne was a bit uncomfortable playing a Bond Girl, now she gets to play an actual biblical sex worker! And once again, I risk repeating myself because if they were uncomfortable enough touching each other up in the Argentine Tango, it stands to reason they wouldn’t be much keener on doing the same dance again but slower and while rotating their hips like they’re at their first Couples’ Sensual Hula Hooping class. Sadly it is judged in the same way every time a man even sets foot near a rumba, with all the usual waffle, so I can’t even make sacriligious puns about Ben getting crucified, so what even is the point?
Scores: 7 + 8 + 8 + 8 = 31
Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton
Rumba - Will You Love Me Tomorrow? - Beautiful: The Carole King Musical
And so as the feverish madness of the End of the Series engulfs all of the pros (and maybe two of the celebrities), Kevin’s coping strategy is to burrow even harder into the Seventies. After playing Karen Carpenter twice, Victoria is now Carole King. Having been given the death-slot and two of the most exposing dances technique-wise, all the signs are saying ‘goodbye dance’. If so, this one was well-played, maybe because Victoria doesn’t have to dress up as a Christmas ballerina and do a bum-slide across the floor (yes, Frankie’s rumba still haunts me). It’s understated and quite tasteful, there’s a creditable amount of hip action, and there’s no unnecessary frotting or dry-humping (because Victoria would disembowel Kevin if he so much as hooked a leg up on her, which could be an interesting look for their Argentine Tango if they get through to next week).
Scores: 8 + 8 + 8 + 8 = 32
Paso Doble - The Shady Dame from Seville - Victor/Victoria
(I've been saving this song up for a long time, but now the Julie Andrews version that sounds like a Paso has been taken down from YouTube, and I swear I can't find it for love nor money on the internet or on Spotify, so you'll have to take my word for it that it would make a killer Paso)
For starters, this following Paso Doble may not be appropriate for all ages due to its disturbing content. And by disturbing, I mean this could be marmite, because Katherine’s back to the old days of gurning and huffing and blowing her cheeks out like a pufferfish. There’s some weapons-grade flamenco, a lot of prowling and circling each other, and her willingness to risk life and limb has carried over from her Salsa to this week, because there’s a very dramatic drop where she’s just inches from breaking her neck. The judges go potty for it, though Craig wonders if she might have been a little TOO into it (Craig, there’s no ‘might’ about it) but plays ball anyway. For the second week running, there’s some very conspicuous mentions of just how HARD Katherine is working, and how many HOURS she’s put in... now I’m no Poirot, but this smells like a STORYLINE!
Scores: 9 + 10 + 10 + 10 = 39
Natalie Horler & Gleb Savchenko
Quickstep - I Could Have Danced All Night - My Fair Lady
Gleb has decided to redeem and refine Natalie through the power of My Fair Lady (like she’s a sportswoman or a Chelsee Healey), and Natalie’s attempt at the Cockney accent in the comedy VT is a thing to hear (only once, and then get ear surgery - ROIT YUUU ORRR ENREE IGGINS!). Craig calls it all very laboured and a bit pedestrian, while Karen has got the Len Goodman For Dummies out of the library and proclaims that ‘[She] Could Have [Watched That] All Night’. Natalie has decided to adopt the Queen’s English (like, a proper plummy Windsor accent) for one night as a ‘character choice’ (alright, Daniel Day-Lewis) but it’s really just an excuse to freak everyone out with the uncanny valley voice that emerges, and for her to cackle in their faces and run away again. Claudia, finally, has run out of ways to out-weird Natalie, and so has to force her into naturalistic conversation. It’s a weird look on both of them.
Scores: 8 + 10 + 9 + 10 = 37
Quickstep - You’re the Top - Anything Goes
Oti begins reciting - nay, yelling - the ‘you think some teabag can compete with you?’ bit from the beginning of song at Jonas in the training room (which would be the first amusing comedy VT of the series were it not so based in truth). So Jonas rolls out dressed as a sailor (obligatory ‘hello sailor!’) and all hell breaks loose. It’s a Quickstep full of impeccable styling and blatant showing off, jeté after jeté, springing along like Tigger, flabbergasting Charleston sections, a false finish which means they get a standing ovation from the middle of the dance right the way through to the end (go Oti, you shameless gooser). This is the second dance proclaiming him to be the TOP, but the only one to justify it (and it gives the judges some easy puns). Craig finally decides it’s time for the 40, and yet it still only gets him to 4th place on the leaderboard. And it just goes to show in life, for all the noise a guy makes about being a top, in the end he’s usually just a big old bottom.
Scores: 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 = 40
Samantha Barks & Brendan Cole
Charleston - Thoroughly Modern Millie - Thoroughly Modern Millie
Samantha has been forced into that same black roadkill-shaped bob that was used for almost every theme week in series 13, and now more resembles a monk’s tonsure. After Samantha’s disaster fortnight, every point counts, and Brendan is forced to swallow a dance he transparently loathes because he’s got a West End Ringer, and if they aren’t good at this dance, what else could they possibly do? It’s primed as a showstopper - Samantha throws herself into lifts and tricks every which way she can, and has a bad case of the Cheshire Cat grin - but it fizzles because these two just ain’t in sync for significant chunks (but of course this gets glossed over so the judges can rig her up the top again).
Scores: 9 + 9 + 10 + 10 = 38
Well, if nothing else, musicals starring Julie Andrews and/or Sutton Foster have had a good night, haven't they?
Katherine Ryan & Aljaž Skorjanec - 39
Samantha Barks & Brendan Cole - 38
Natalie Horler & Gleb Savchenko - 37
Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton - 32
Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton - 31
MOVIES AND MUSICALS WEEK LEADERBOARD
Samantha Barks & Brendan Cole - 37 + 38 = 75
Natalie Horler & Gleb Savchenko - 37 + 37 = 74
Jonas Nay & Oti Mabuse - 31 + 40 = 71
Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton - 29 + 31 = 60
Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton - 26 + 32 = 58
Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton v Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton
And once again, our bottom two is filled with returnees (and it’s our second all-Clifton bottom two of the series! The Jordans must be salivating). It seems like it could go either way, considering Ben opts for his lower-scoring Argentine Tango (because maybe dressing up as Jesus twice might rather put a dent in his bottom two bounce next week) while Victoria chooses to reprise her higher-scoring Rumba, but the unanimous decision comes as no surprise. Victoria is gracious and self-deprecating in defeat, but not self-deprecating enough to resist getting in one last parting crack at the judges (Vicky C-M as your next Comedy Central Roastmaster, please), and then stopping herself before it all gets a bit Jan Ravens. But, heart-warmingly, of all the couples that couldn’t stand the sight of one another, the ice here has melted, and though Victoria still views Kevin as a most beguiling... thing, they speak genuinely warmly about each other, and she even lets him lift her in their goodbye dance. Before staring down the camera lens, silently counting down till the show goes off-air, and she can break the land-speed record in running off to the Strictly bar to get royally smashed.
SAFE (Votes): Ben Willbond & Joanne Clifton (Craig, Karen, Alesha, Bruno)
ELIMINATED (Votes): Victoria Coren Mitchell & Kevin Clifton
If it makes you feel any better, she was originally due to go out last week, but when I saw that everyone else (and not just me) liked her, I decided to swap her and Jamie round. So there's that.
I am loving this series though! Not sure what I'll do when it's finished. Hopefully you've got another in the pipeline.
I might just have another provisional cast written down, and a couple of song ideas. But this series took a lot out of me to write, so if I do another series, then it won't be for a while (I've been writing this one since July/August). Got to recharge the batteries and all that.
Sometimes the bullshit is my favourite part, maybe because it's all so familiar (but not often though).
Semi-final will be up Tuesday or Wednesday, I think, if I keep writing at this pace. Then hopefully by this time next week, it'll all be over.
I might've just now opened up a new document and titled it 'SCD Dance Apocalyptic 2'... but if I do write it, it won't be up for a good while yet, just because this one took a loooong time.