Liz Jones - YOU magazine (Part 4)

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  • amikolaichekamikolaichek Posts: 531
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    Bellagio wrote: »
    You have to wonder - no, really, you do, you do - if they're one of the two pairs of kecks she currently claims to own, her being the epitome of frugality an' all that...

    I'm really glad you brought the knickers stuff up, Bellagio ... I'd been thinking about this, wondering if I'd been hallucinating about reading some Lizard witterings year or so back about only owning TWO pairs of knickers - one on, one in the wash (or as I remember it, at the dry cleaners ...)

    Well - to be honest, don't quite know what to say. Except, does she 'go commando' sometimes? Like, she didn't get to the dry cleaners in time, due to all the hard work she's doing typing a million words a night or something, so she's without knickers for the next day? So perhaps she hauls on her cruelty free organically sourced vegan buttery soft leather VB jeans over her naked as nature intended scrawny haunches?

    Still, never mind, she's sold off ALL her clothes (except the one dress she's going to dye) so some lucky woman has bought the said leather VB jeans ... hmmm, wonder if they know the garment's provenance?

    By the way, how many DS contributors send their scanties to the dry cleaners?
  • Suzy_CatSuzy_Cat Posts: 1,368
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    Xenophobia: check.
    Ghastly middle-class snobbery: check.
    Incomprehensibly overblown sense of entitlement: check.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2738782/LIZ-JONES-I-ve-nearly-arrested-TWICE-enduring-hell-flying-Give-Knee-Defender-time-lucky.html
  • nitenursenitenurse Posts: 1,116
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    She needs to fly Air Canada for a truly horrific experience. She'd be kissing Ryan Air.

    No fingerprints due to typing? Sure. Liz Jones, international cat burglar is more likely.
  • SeabirdSeabird Posts: 1,048
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    For the second time she makes a 'joke' about MH17. Class act as ever.

    "...confiscating my Sisley skincare is unlikely to prevent the plane being shot down over Eastern Europe."

    Well done for admitting to lying to gain entry into the US. That will really help the fight against terrorism and those of us women who have to travel there on business and get a hard enough time getting our entry permit despite all the correct paper work and visas. Damn it, if only Justin Beiber had been playing last time I was there I could have avoided all that hassle.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 49
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    nitenurse wrote: »
    ..to complement the Blind Lamb. Which sleeps in 'his pen'.
    On Nic's back. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2737553/Liz-Joness-Diary-In-I-tell-ALL-problems.html
    [WHY did I read that piffle?!? ]

    On a more serious note, an alternative title to this week's diary entry : 'In which I exploit my family members for pity points. Yet again.'.

    LJ's million words p.a:
    A poster here has previously suggested that LJ's annual word-count is mostly mostly made up of 'I'...
  • puffin1962puffin1962 Posts: 434
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    So how on earth does Liz reckon that she write around 1,000,000 words a year :o
    Her 2 articles for MOS are around 800 words each - so approx 100,000 words a year (and is not like these articles are well edited requiring re-writes
    A novel is maybe 100,000 words (and her previous books have used the diaries) - if she is really writing 5000 words a day to meet the deadline she is trying to write a novel in less than a month (or perhaps she accepted a huge advance and now needs to deliver some text

    ... so where are the other 800,000 words? (perhaps the taxman needs to know :D)
  • puffin1962puffin1962 Posts: 434
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    Oh - and did anyone else spot the strange contradictions within todays poorly written dreary

    Early on she writes
    Boyfriend has dumped me as I have to write about my life to earn money as I have responsibilities that I do not shirk from,

    then later
    Dear reader, I would marry him.
    The problem is, HE STILL HASN’T PROPOSED! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?!

    Sounds like she's cracking up and not even bothering the read through her cashcow dreary any longer :o
  • SeabirdSeabird Posts: 1,048
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    If the talent of the posters on this thread is anything to go by there are many gifted writers here and some have probably had a go at writing a novel and will be well aware of the time, commitment and maybe, just maybe, a little bit of skill that is is involved with such a huge undertaking. It has never before been more difficult to get a novel accepted by an agent and then a publisher (I'm not talking about self-publishing) so it is always a smack in the gob when someone like Jones obviously has a deal for her novel BEFORE she's even written it. No matter how awful it is it will get published, there will be loads of publicity for it and maybe some of her still devoted fans will buy it. There will no doubt be talk already of a movie deal (in her head anyway). But, like her previous opus, it will die a slow lingering death as it slides back into obscurity. It is people like Jones and Z-list 'celebrities' that devalue the art of writing, be it in a Sunday column or a novel.
  • BellagioBellagio Posts: 3,249
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    Have to correct you mildly, Seabird... her previous opus didn't die a slow, lingering death: rather, it took one step, fell flat on its arse and crawled away whimpering.
  • amikolaichekamikolaichek Posts: 531
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    My opinion, for what it's worth (never written a novel but ghosted someone's 'autobiography') is that the Lizard's novel will be somehow a sort of pale imitation of 'The Devil Wears Prada', padded out with cut 'n paste bits from her 'Drearies' about anorexia, breast amputation, veganism, nasty bullying family members, horrid husbands, terrible deprived childhood, awful boyfriends, horses, cats, dogs, bats, Inland Revenue ...and clothes. God, there'll be an awful lot about bloody clothes ... never one to shirk from dropping a name, her 'novel' will be one big product placement for all the shops that give her freebies or discounts.
  • nitenursenitenurse Posts: 1,116
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    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2744795/Liz-Joness-Diary-Our-anniversary-dinner-one.html

    After her waxing, threading and detox prep for their Anniversary (did she ever tell us she was in a relationship) she ends up with "My Mum died". After plugging her self-help guru.

    And did she ever mention yoga=yeast infection before!
  • amikolaichekamikolaichek Posts: 531
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    nitenurse wrote: »
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2744795/Liz-Joness-Diary-Our-anniversary-dinner-one.html

    After her waxing, threading and detox prep for their Anniversary (did she ever tell us she was in a relationship) she ends up with "My Mum died". After plugging her self-help guru.

    And did she ever mention yoga=yeast infection before!

    ... and the plugs for Urban Retreat, mytheresa.com
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,406
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    So we get the usual self important drivel, all this pre-date palaver, waxing, plucking, fasting, has she forgotten tanning? Spending £50 on dyeing her ONLY dress black - it's a Victoria Beckham gown don't you know.

    Then the final sentence, on Saturday morning - my Mum died

    Almost an afterthought - though surely a prequel to the next few drearies, in which it will be poor me, poor meeee, my mum died so I couldn't go to my anniversary dinner, poor me, poor me, it's so unfair, poor meeee

    At least she has a black dress, I wonder if she will be allowed to take her hearing dog Michael to the funeral, she is DEAF
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 49
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    PS My email was hacked on Friday and everyone on my contacts list received a message saying I was abroad, my wallet had been stolen, and to send money, fast. It was pretty unbelievable given the email said: ‘I have come on holiday to Lviv, Ukraine.’ .....

    [The internet] has become a place where people post lies, viz the woman who put on Mumsnet she saw me taking cocaine; and death threats, viz the man who wanted to kill me for having the temerity to report on the Somalia famine when I had only previously written about fashion; and to divest us of our hard-earned cash.
    Historian Mary Beard might want to hug her trolls, but I want to kill mine...

    Lovely.

    Who really cares enough to hack LJ's email?
    [If email contents true] everything is published in the Dreary.
    Definitely a case of 'move along, nothing to see here' ..
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2746494/LIZ-JONES-Let-s-leak-lots-nude-photos-s-good-women-s-lib.html
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,406
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    I had a weird email, supposedly from a FB friend that wasn't dissimilar to the one LJ mentions, but luckily the FB friend had contacted us all to warn that this spam email may arrive, and that he had in fact never even been to Turkey.
  • amikolaichekamikolaichek Posts: 531
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    purplecatz wrote: »
    I had a weird email, supposedly from a FB friend that wasn't dissimilar to the one LJ mentions, but luckily the FB friend had contacted us all to warn that this spam email may arrive, and that he had in fact never even been to Turkey.

    It's a very common scam. I got a similar 'message' apparently from my next door neighbour's father, saying he was marooned somewhere in Eastern Europe and needed funds to get back home. And I know two other people who received them.
  • WutheringWuthering Posts: 1,071
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    purplecatz wrote: »
    So we get the usual self important drivel, all this pre-date palaver, waxing, plucking, fasting, has she forgotten tanning? Spending £50 on dyeing her ONLY dress black - it's a Victoria Beckham gown don't you know.

    Then the final sentence, on Saturday morning - my Mum died

    Almost an afterthought - though surely a prequel to the next few drearies, in which it will be poor me, poor meeee, my mum died so I couldn't go to my anniversary dinner, poor me, poor me, it's so unfair, poor meeee

    At least she has a black dress, I wonder if she will be allowed to take her hearing dog Michael to the funeral, she is DEAF

    The woman is a ****ing nutcase.

    The Mail are worse for continuing to employ her.

    I despair at the whole thing.
  • Mr CurmudgeonMr Curmudgeon Posts: 126
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    I hope that David takes note of today's diary.

    Does she honestly believe that undertaking an online designer-spirituality course - for people just like her -will sort her issues out ?

    If Space NK carried a 'Meet God now and solve all your personal issues quickly and easily' product,,, she'd buy it. But only if it cost £50k and included a Prada-sponsored pube-waxing,:o

    Her shallowness hits new rocky-shallowness records quicker - and far more frequently than the Costa Concordia; and unlike the Captain of that ship, she still manages to retain employment.
  • puffin1962puffin1962 Posts: 434
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    DM appear not to be letting comments through on the Dreary
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,406
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    puffin1962 wrote: »
    DM appear not to be letting comments through on the Dreary

    Not surprised - probably only negative ones submitted
  • fitnessqueenfitnessqueen Posts: 5,185
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    nitenurse wrote: »
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2744795/Liz-Joness-Diary-Our-anniversary-dinner-one.html

    After her waxing, threading and detox prep for their Anniversary (did she ever tell us she was in a relationship) she ends up with "My Mum died". After plugging her self-help guru.

    And did she ever mention yoga=yeast infection before
    !

    Just a few times. I think it's another example of her much admired "sense of humour". Ha. Ha.
  • Suzy_CatSuzy_Cat Posts: 1,368
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    I don't object to the "and then my mum died" ending, because it's supposed to be an emotional pulling out of the bathmat that leaves us hanging, biting our nails in desperation to know what happens for a whole week.

    Except that the whole column is so utterly blandly shallow, and frankly enraging given all the whining about poverty the week before. Oh I am preparing for an anniversary dinner with my kale smoothies and online enlightenment course from NYC and having my entire body waxed and threaded blah blah namedrop blah. Oh by the way I am poor but have dyed my one DESIGNER dress for a bargain price, get me I'm so Lillie Langtry.

    Is it just me, but I can't understand why you'd be quite so obsessed with plucking and grooming and dieting for a date with someone you've been with for a year who is supposedly truly madly deeply in love with your every menopausal whisker. I mean he's not some new guy she wants to impress, and she should surely know by now that Daaaavid won't even notice; he never has before. (Cue "do you like my new bikini line, I got them to go with the landing strip this time and had it tinted" "yes it's nice it was looking a bit sparse before with all the grey bits" "OMG WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW VERY DARE YOU I shall text ALL of my friends").
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 125
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    The dearth of comments says it all really...

    We knew her dear old Mum had died. Possibly of shame. So that wasn't news and the pathetic attempt at a cliffhanger fell on its face because nobody really cares. I suppose we will hear how she would have been engaged by now if only her Ma had hung about, in much the same way that the death of her Grandfather foiled a date for her in 1927.

    Still... at least she has a black dress and at least she will have to endure the sneering of the rest of her family at the funeral, together with their lack of gratitude that she has turned up at all! I reckon she must have written over 1,500 words for this week's bilge!! And only 85% of that was recycled.
  • puffin1962puffin1962 Posts: 434
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    I reckon she must have written over 1,500 words for this week's bilge!! And only 85% of that was recycled.

    The Dreary was just over 700 words - it just seemed much much longer ;-)
  • jerseyporterjerseyporter Posts: 2,332
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    purplecatz wrote: »
    So we get the usual self important drivel, all this pre-date palaver, waxing, plucking, fasting, has she forgotten tanning? Spending £50 on dyeing her ONLY dress black - it's a Victoria Beckham gown don't you know.

    Then the final sentence, on Saturday morning - my Mum died

    Almost an afterthought - though surely a prequel to the next few drearies, in which it will be poor me, poor meeee, my mum died so I couldn't go to my anniversary dinner, poor me, poor me, it's so unfair, poor meeee

    At least she has a black dress, I wonder if she will be allowed to take her hearing dog Michael to the funeral, she is DEAF

    I don't often contribute to the thread, although I often read it! (And the Dreary).

    This 'I'm deaf' motif is really getting to me, though. One of my best friends really is Deaf - I know what that means! However, rather helpfully, she's just given me a book to read written by the daughter of Deaf parents, and the forward has a quote which Liz would do well to read and take on board when it comes to the difference between Deaf (with a capital D it's someone who's part of Deaf culture on a day-to-day basis) and Hard of Hearing (HOH) which is the kind of degenerative deafness Liz has. This is the quote:

    "The word 'Deaf' is one of the most misunderstood, and misused, words in the English language. We do not call ourselves blind if we wear glasses. Those who wear a hearing aid, or cup their hand behind their ear, might say "I am deaf", but Deaf means 'without hearing', just as Blind means 'without sight'."

    A person who has to wear glasses might have a dog as well, but it doesn't suddenly become a 'Guide dog for the Blind' every time they go out into the world with the dog by their side, does it?! Likewise, Liz - as someone who's only HOH, and not 'Deaf' - has a dog, but it's not a 'Hearing dog for the Deaf' just because it belongs to her and she takes it out with her! We have one 'Hearing dog' in Jersey, and she took a lot of fundraising to send for training! We're currently raising money for another one - if only it was as easy as saying "Meet my hearing dog" with any domestic pet!

    Liz drives my Deaf friend nuts with her loose definitions of 'deaf'. Deaf is having no hearing at all in one hear because the auditory nerve didn't grow, and less than 30% hearing in the other 'good' ear, even with a hearing aid, as my friend has had from birth! (Or any similar reduction in hearing from an early age for any other similar reasons.) My friend also uses BSL a lot (and she's teaching me too - it's a fantastic language to learn!) and lip reads very well - you'd hardly guess if you met her. She certainly doesn't 'go on about it' to get attention!

    Sadly, though, Liz's 'deafness' is used, and the concept of true Deafness is abused, just so she has something to add to her 'writing' - just as she uses everything, and everyone else in her life for the same reason. :(
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