Struggling to cope after losing my mum :(

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  • Button62Button62 Posts: 8,463
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    Reading your post brought back some terrible memories for me as it sounds so much like what happened to my own lovely mum. She died in 2005 and I can honestly say that it took me a couple of years to come to terms with the fact that she had gone.

    My way of coping was to plaster a smile on my face and carry on regardless. I had two young children and I had to appear semi sane for them.

    The thing to remember is that everything is permissable when you are grieving. I regularly used to go onto the beach when it was windy and raining and just scream at the top of my voice.

    I also used to want to bash grannies over the head when I saw them with their grandchildren, as that pleasure had been taken away from us. Irrational, but neverthelss normal.

    I never considered counselling, though it works for some people. I am just not the type to bare my soul to a stranger.

    My advice is to take one day at a time. Lay off the booze as it's a depressant .... that you do not need.

    Oh, and anyone who wonders why you're not getting on with your life ..... tell them to **** off. Friends who say that are no friends atall.

    Stay strong. Be good to yourself and I promise you that one day you will think of your mum and smile instead of cry.

    xx
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,066
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    Katie841 wrote: »
    thank you all for your advice.

    if I'm honest, I guess I'm drinking to block things out... it's the only way I feel I can deal with it :( How pathetic is that, especially considering I'm fully aware of how my dad passed away. I hate myself for it :( I just wish I was a stronger person :(

    I can really empathise with what you're going through. My mum died nearly 2 years ago after being diagnosed with cancer six months previously. We were so close and I still find it very hard to think about it. My dad died nearly five years ago so it was less than 3 years between the two of them.

    When my mum was diagnosed and after she died I started drinking really heavily into oblivion because I couldn't cope. i knew it was wrong but like you I felt it was the only way i could deal with it. I now no longer drink thanks to AA and the support the members gave me. I'm not saying you need to go to AA though. The thing is grief and alcohol are terribly isolating and I had effectively cut myself off from any friends I had and my siblings.

    It is only a few months since your mum passed away and even now I still find it hard to think about my mum and the happy times we had because it just reminds me how much I still miss her.

    The thing is you will get through this in your own way. Don't beat yourself up for drinking over it (my dad was an alcoholic too). You're not pathetic and I'd bet you're much stronger than you think you are. Look after yourself and try to just take it day by day. ((((Hugs))))
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 195
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    to echo what other people have said...

    I also lost my mum to cancer at a young age and it was very quick.

    We all grieve at our own pace and you will never 'get over it' but you will get past it.

    It's (in my opinion) one of the worst things that can happen to you in your life and you can wallow in it (which I recommend embracing wholeheartedly) for a little while then taking it as a wake up call of sorts and making the most of every minute you have in life (okay not every minute, that would be exhausting but every experience and every good/bad thing).

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't and won't say I know what you're going through as it's different for everyone but i can say you WILL get through this and the loss will lose it's edge as time goes by.

    Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and it does get easier - I promise!

    (((((((massive hugs))))))))
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 14
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    Katie841 wrote: »
    thank you all for your advice.

    if I'm honest, I guess I'm drinking to block things out... it's the only way I feel I can deal with it :( How pathetic is that, especially considering I'm fully aware of how my dad passed away. I hate myself for it :( I just wish I was a stronger person :(

    I think you are being far too hard on yourself. My Mum died almost 6 years ago after a very long, drawn out illness. There's no good way to lose your Mum - you only ever have one. It was two years after my Mum's death when I was able to remember her as the wonderful woman she was rather than just feeling nothing but loss and grief. Be kind to yourself - consider counselling it may help. Try not to let the drinking get out of hand tho' - that's a slippery slope you don't want to go down. Sending you a hug,
  • RAINBOWGIRL22RAINBOWGIRL22 Posts: 24,459
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    Katie841 wrote: »
    I have 2 half brothers... which in itself is another long story.. my mum had them both with her previous husband, and we'd never met until mum got sick. They obviously got in contact and wanted to see her when they knew the circumstances. I stayed with them once it first happened for a few weeks.. but I'm back home now, I can't stay with them forever.. and I knew that.

    It doesn't help that people seem to think I should've moved on and be doing things with my life as it happened in July, and I'm well aware it's October now... I'm just dreading my birthday and then obviously Christmas :(

    I don't want counselling yet.. I don't like talking about it, it just makes me re-live it all again :( plus, I don't see how it would help either. So, I just feel stuck... I'm not sure what to do.

    Oh hun - not sure what to say really??

    Do you have a good support network (friends nearby? any other family members. A partner?)

    I would echo bereavement counselling but of course only when you feel ready.

    In all honesty you will probably have an crappy Birthday and a crappy Christmas this year. You need to take each day at a time and do not put any pressure on yourself. You have just lost your Mum - there is no way on Earth you should be anywhere near close to 'getting over it' :eek:

    For special occasions I would suggest doing something totally different (IE if you used to always have a traditional Christmas with your Mum then this year go and stay with frineds?? Try to not 're-create' what you normally do)

    I cannot begin to imagine how hard this has been on you but I send you lots of good wishes

    RG22

    xxxxxxxxxxx
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,466
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    Hi Katie... the thing is, you are supposed to feel crap, it's normal so don't give yourself a hard time about thinking that you aren't strong. You've had a very tough time so young, and needing help to deal with that is no crime. If you can, give grief counselling a chance.....Cruse have a very good reputation
    http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

    July to October is no time at all!! It takes time and talking with people who do understand that, be it friends or counsellors.
    You will feel better in time, but it will take a while.
  • Evenstar120Evenstar120 Posts: 373
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    I am so very sorry for your loss Katie. The loss of a parent is one of the most awful things anyone can ever go through. I lost my father in my very early twenties, only just four years ago now and it still hurts every single day. You need to take things very slowly, face one day at a time and be kind to yourself.
  • misterelimistereli Posts: 822
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    Hi, Katie.

    Back in 1997 I lost my mum to cancer too, during early December, so it was just before Christmas. I was only 6 at the time, so I don't remember an awful lot about her illness, so I can't say that I know too much about what you're going through right now. But I do remember bits and pieces, and what helped me, my sisters and my dad get by was each other. Do you have any family members who were close to your mother you could spend time with? Maybe her parents? Did she have any brothers or sisters? They will be grieving too and it might help if you talk to them about it. It isn't good to keep it to yourself.. so if you have nobody to talk to, I suggest you see a counsellor or someone who will listen. I was unlucky enough to lose my mum, but I cannot even imagine losing my dad too. I am so sorry that you have lost both of your parents. Also what will help is if you visit her grave often, bringing fresh flowers. And you might find that talking to her while you're there will help. She can't talk back, but who knows, she might be listening.

    And about the drinking. It'll only make things worse, and your mum would not want you doing that to yourself.

    I don't know what happened to your mum's belongings, but it might also help if you kept a few of her things around the house. I'm not telling you to make a shrine, but my mum loved bear ornaments and had them all over the house. So me and my family kept a few of them out, rather than stuffing them all away in the attic. This may seem a bit weird, but 13 years later and we still have 2 suitcases full of my mum's clothes. I was only 6 when she died, so I don't remember much about her (but thankfully we have lots of photos and videos of her to keep the memories alive), but once when I was feeling really down about it I smelled her clothes.. it may seem weird, but I wanted to try and remember her smell. The clothes smelled more like the attic than anything, but there was part of her smell in them.. or rather, the smell of the detergent she used, that brought back memories. I know how weird this sounds, but I try my best to not let her memories die. I know I probably sound like a nutter, but this isn't uncommon. And I found that it helped to 'be near her' for a minute.

    But anyway, time is a good healer. I'm sure you have lots of great memories of her to look back on. 13 years on, and I haven't cried over it in a while. I cried enough tears to full up a swimming pool when I was younger, but things will get better. They did for me.

    Hope you feel better. And hope this helped in some way.
  • twingletwingle Posts: 19,322
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    This thread has made me feel ashamed:o

    My mother had a serious bad fall and I moved back from down south and moved her in with me. She drives me nuts on a daily basis with her incessant chatter and often cutting remarks(which i know she doesn't mean) this thread has made me realise how lucky i am

    OP thank you and sorry for your loss *big hugs*
  • TagletTaglet Posts: 20,286
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    Katie841 wrote: »
    thank you all for your advice.

    if I'm honest, I guess I'm drinking to block things out... it's the only way I feel I can deal with it :( How pathetic is that, especially considering I'm fully aware of how my dad passed away. I hate myself for it :( I just wish I was a stronger person :(

    Hey Katie, I think I am an emotionally strong person but found myself in a situation a couple of years ago when I started to drink too much. Its a coping mechanism......however a really crap one because it doesnt work....but sooo bloody easy to fall into so please dont blame yourself.

    I took the counselling route with a lot of skepticism, in fact I also felt really ashamed too that I 'needed' counselling too. :) .......but it was the best thing I could have done.

    Noone can change the situation you are in....it must be really awful for you, its a horrible thing to have happened....but nothing you can do can change the past. You dont have an option but to face it and find a place for it otherwise you will never heal. I cant recommend counselling enough.......please contact a bereavement counsellor....think the organisation is called cruse and your GP will have details.
  • technologisttechnologist Posts: 13,334
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    Katie - you are a strong person - but you need to be able to show that - mainly to yourself ...
    and one way is to fidn someone - who can let you see this by holding a mirror up to you and pointing out what they see - and you find difficult to see.
    This could be your GP - and that is a good p;ace to start .. and They have all sorts of contacts .
    counselling is a term bounded about - and a lot of what counslling (Professional or just your best freind) do is to just get you started again.... you can never forget those who have died - and while they were Alive they influenced you...... as who ever you find to help you - give you a (((hug))) and learn again how to give yourself a hug.

    Do talk to your GP or even your Mum's GP ... And thank you for rasing the topic and getting me to think about the deaths of my friend and realtives - you have helped me.
  • miss_zeldamiss_zelda Posts: 589
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    Hi Katie. Your post has struck a chord with me since I lost my mum due to a painful, terminal illness when she was 51. She had a couple of courses of chemotherapy for ovarian cancer and then it went into remission and came back. We were then told it had spread and there was nothing more the doctors could do. Like your mum it got to the point where the disease had progressed so much that she was admitted to a hospice and she died a week or two later. I was 15 and wasn't close to my dad at all. My dad has had cancer himself but 7 years later he is still around. I didn't cope very well to be honest, I concentrated too much on trying to appear ok whilst going quietly insane in private.

    I think the best advice I can give is to grieve whenever you like and don't feel you should be 'over it' after a certain period of time once everyone stops asking how you are. It was a horrible thing to happen to you and it has changed everything. You need to let yourself take time to adjust. I'm nearly 23 now and if I'm honest the only way I've managed to really cope is to not talk about it too much and concentrate on moving forward. I'm not saying this is the right way to go about things at all but even years later the pain that surfaces on the odd occasion that I do stop to remember how horrific it all was is very raw. I suppose my point is that we all cope differently and the grief is not something that will ever go away.

    When it comes to thinking about the horror of the illness itself I can honestly say I know how you feel. I think people who haven't had to closely live with cancer can be sympathetic about the actual loss of a mother but can never truly understand the other mental impact of the months of pain and misery caused by the illness before the actual death. That's a horrible thing to try to wrap your head around too and it does take its toll. I think it's really that side of the whole thing I try to block out more than anything.

    I am so sorry for your loss and I do hope the months start getting easier soon. It will get better as you begin to naturally learn how to cope and partially come to terms with what has happened. I hope it's of some comfort that you're not alone in this, there are many more women out there who have been through similar to what you have gone through. There are support pages specifically for motherless daughters on the internet if you google for them. I have personally found it really comforting to talk to people who have been in a similar boat. I also recommend buying a book called Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman which I bought a few years ago and found an enormous comfort. I'm not sure if it's a read you would find helpful at the moment but it may be a book to pick up whenever you feel ready.
  • ~*~Jess~*~~*~Jess~*~ Posts: 4,157
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    Hi Katie, not got anything constructive to say, but I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Jess xxx
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,422
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    Button62 wrote: »
    Reading your post brought back some terrible memories for me as it sounds so much like what happened to my own lovely mum. She died in 2005 and I can honestly say that it took me a couple of years to come to terms with the fact that she had gone.

    My way of coping was to plaster a smile on my face and carry on regardless. I had two young children and I had to appear semi sane for them.

    The thing to remember is that everything is permissable when you are grieving. I regularly used to go onto the beach when it was windy and raining and just scream at the top of my voice.

    I also used to want to bash grannies over the head when I saw them with their grandchildren, as that pleasure had been taken away from us. Irrational, but neverthelss normal.

    I never considered counselling, though it works for some people. I am just not the type to bare my soul to a stranger.

    My advice is to take one day at a time. Lay off the booze as it's a depressant .... that you do not need.

    Oh, and anyone who wonders why you're not getting on with your life ..... tell them to **** off. Friends who say that are no friends atall.

    Stay strong. Be good to yourself and I promise you that one day you will think of your mum and smile instead of cry.

    xx

    Just want to echo buttons fabulous from the heart post :(,I too have been there 2 yrs and a half years ago, I spent the first 6 months of grief constantly rat arsed, I never believed any advice that it would get easier, had the attitude of what the hell do you know? but it did/has and the physical pain in your chest subsides, I still miss her everyday but you will pick yourself up and continue to live life to the full, dont be so hard on yourself go with the day only, dont look back dont look forward and I promise you soon it will feel easier and your life will get back on track,my very best wishes to you
    from one bereaved daughter to another
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 3,234
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    hi Katie though I don't know what to say through not having been through it myself, I just want to send you my sincere, deep, endless universe of sympathy - and huge hugs xx
  • maidinscotlandmaidinscotland Posts: 5,648
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    Katie, I also lost my mum when I was 27 and she was also diagnosed with terminal cancer. My dad died 18 months later when I was 29 and pregnant with my eldest child. Your story reflects mine is so many ways. My dad was also an alcoholic (although he never admitted it) and I hit the drink a lot when my mum died. To be honest, I still drink too much. In short, you dont really ever get over the death of a parent, you adjust. I have a great husband and 3 lovely sons and that keeps me going. I feel for you as I have been there but you will adjust, we all do.
  • Dr K NoisewaterDr K Noisewater Posts: 11,554
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    Katie I feel for you i'm going through something similar right now. I lost my grandma (although she was just like a mother to me) in April this year and its still so hard coping 6 months later. I've still got what would of been her 80th birthday and Christmas to get through yet before the end of the year :cry: Although unlike your mum my grandma didn't suffer she died very peacefully in her sleep having not suffered from any illness. So in a way its comforting for me to know that but at the same time so heartbreaking that she was taken from us so suddenly.
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