My 9 year old is miserable as sin at school

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 16:50

I don't know what to do.
It's so upsetting to see your 9 year old sobbing her heart out over school.
She left lower school in August and started middle school in September. Most of her friends from lower school went to the other middle school in our town, so my daughter only 'knew' a few girls vaguely from her class.
She started off quite enthusiastically and seemed to enjoy it.
But now she really dislikes it. She cries most mornings, doesn't want to go, makes a huge fuss, keeps saying she is 'poorly' etc... I don't think it's specific bullying, but I do think that she's struggling to fit in and that some of the other girls have established 'cliques' from lower school.
She says that she doesn't have any real friends and spends lots of lunch breaks in the library often reading alone.
She's quite a sensitive soul and I wonder if she's making more of it than necessary, but without being there in person with her, it's hard to know the complete truth. She's quite studious and eccentric, so perhaps an easy target for unkind comments?
She is struggling to sleep, and really unhappy.
She loved lower school and was very very happy there.
We rarely had any problems when she was at lower school.
She is desperate to go to the other middle school on the other side of town to be with her old friends from lower school, but I'm not sure what to do. If she has friendship struggles there, where do we go then ? Also, the school she attends has a very good rep. and is our catchment school.
She's been there 4 months now.
I've spoken to the teacher about friendship issues, but to be honest, I'm not really sure what she can do about a bunch of 9 year old girls who wont talk to her. How far can teachers help with friendship issues at this age ?
Is changing schools too radical?
Thanks
Melissa

mirandashell · 08/01/10 - 16:53

No. I went through a similar thing at junior school and it was hell. My parents moved me and I was much happier.

The problem is, if your daughter is the outcast now, she's liable to always be the outcast and it will be tough. If she was mine, I would move her.

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 16:55

Honestly I think that you should let her move but if you don't want to do that then I'm not really sure because else she'll just be unhappy. I'm sorry I'm not more help, I've never had anything like that because my friends have always been with me.

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 16:59

I went through similar issues when I was a similar age, and my parents refused to take any notice. It made me the most miserable kid ever, and led directly to my first suicide attempt (at 11). It has taken me most of my adult life to deal with the unhappiness it all caused. Please don't brush the issue aside, like my parents did - you may not ultimately need to move your daughter, but do try to do anything you can to get to the root of her unhappiness.

academia · 08/01/10 - 17:04

You could try having a party and inviting some of her new classmates to try and ease her into a social life.
But if that doesn't work, you might consider a move to the other school. If she has it firmly in her head that she has friends there, then it might be best to let her go.

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 17:04

Your daughter sounds just like I was at school. I never quite fitted in. I was quite studious and wanted to do well at school. I was also one of the well behave ones and never really wanted to be 'one of the gang.' Your comment about her sitting in the libary reading also strikes a chord because I would sneak into my empty form room during lunch and read my history text book as I liked history. Probably explains why I kept coming top in history.

myss · 08/01/10 - 17:06

OP - is the option of changing schools open to you? Have you looked into it?

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 17:08

when i was that age i hated school i was so left out and bullied , unfortunately the same girls left primary with me and went to secondary school so i had no chance there either, i feel strongly i would have been happier through my teens and even into adulthood if my mother had let me move schools when it all started

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 17:08

Your daughter sounds just like I was at school. I never quite fitted in. I was quite studious and wanted to do well at school. I was also one of the well behave ones and never really wanted to be 'one of the gang.' Your comment about her sitting in the libary reading also strikes a chord because I would sneak into my empty form room during lunch and read my history text book as I liked history. Probably explains why I kept coming top in history

Even today I never quite 'fit in' with work colleagues and I still don't attempt to be one of the gang but I don't do anything to 'stand out' either. So I always get along with them.

It sounds like your daughter could do with joing school clubs/societies that would interest her and enable her to widen her social circle. Also is there any after school activities she could do?

Perhaps you could also show her this thread so that she could realise she is not on her own and actually it is something to be admired, to be a bit independent.

System · 08/01/10 - 17:30

I know it's easier said then done, but this needs to be sorted out asap. If it means moving her to the other school to be with her friends and be happy, then so be it.

If this carries on, this could lead to problems in her social life in her teens, when she gets older etc. Which could lead to depression and other things. I went through a similar thing at school and it's one of the reasons for my depression today.

2shy2007 · 08/01/10 - 17:35

You could consider home schooling until she is ready to go to secondary school.

crazychris12 · 08/01/10 - 17:39

2shy2007 wrote: »

You could consider home schooling until she is ready to go to secondary school.

That's just taking the easy way out though and she'd become more shy and maybe unable to mix at secondary school then.

My daughter was similar at primary school OP with hardly any friends but she has lots now at secondary school.

2shy2007 · 08/01/10 - 17:42

Let me assure you it is not taking the easy way out, it is a massive thing to undertake, but it may well give her the time to settle down, she can slowly integrate into after school clubs , and make friends there, by the time she is 11 she may well be able to cope with school again.

Leave ot as it is and she could very well sink into a depression and there are all kinds of other things such as self harm and even suicide that can occur if a child gets so desperate.

It is an option, but never think it is an easy one please.

crazychris12 · 08/01/10 - 17:44

Sorry, didn't mean it's easy to home-school and anyway I don't know much about it. Just think that if she's unhappy at school and they just take her out of school she'll be even less likely to mix at age 11.

Leeham · 08/01/10 - 17:50

Sound like me in college, all my mates were in different classes so I was on my own every lesson and a lot of lunchtimes. Having to pair up was awkward because I was also quite shy and I didn't like a lot of people in my classes.

I didn't cry though obviously

I stuck it out and it was worth it.

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 17:53

that sounds like an awfully extreme reaction. do something, anything (within reason) about it. i'd suggest moving her if thats what she wants.

It's not just some psychobabble, these things can actually affect you by molding who you are and what you do in certain predicaments in your adult life. That said, "quitting" might not be such an attractive thing to teach your kids but its a lot better than letting your child bottle stuff up and take bullying, or whatever may become from your daughters unhappiness.

From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely wish the two of you best of luck and hope it works out.

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 18:53

My gut reaction is to move her, but if a similar thing happens in another school, we'll run out of options quite quickly.
I'm just not convinced that the school know how to deal with these things and since most of the problems seem to occur at playtime/lunch, when the teachers are absent, I'm not sure how they can help. I'm going to have a word next week, but not holding my breath. I might put a time limit on it ( another month or so ) and contact the other school to ask what the procedure is for moving.
Melissa
x

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 19:23

If teachers know how to handle these things, it can make a huge difference. When I was about 10 or 11, I was quite like your daughter - I had friends in my class but they'd all go home for lunch and I would be left pretty much standing on my own for the whole of lunchtime. Then one of the teachers took notice and insisted on introducing me to three girls from another class who I ended up having a lot in common with. They went on to be my best friends in that school, and it made such a difference to my last couple of years there.

Vodka_Drinka · 08/01/10 - 19:32

Speaking from personal experience, I'd move her. I loved my primary school but hated secondary school and was as miserable as hell the whole time I was there. It was just an awful rough shithole full of disruptive kids who didnt want to learn. I on the other hand did want to, I didnt get bullied as such but I was a target for comments and such being very quiet and almost withdrawn. I had friends at another school in town and was desperate to move there, but my parents wouldnt let me.

I have so many issues that I am dealing with now almost a decade later because of that awful craphole of a school. I have absoloutley nothing but negative memories of it. Please move your daughter elsewhere:(

Mexie · 08/01/10 - 20:07

Another vote for moving school, I wish my parents had done this for me. I struggled all through school, but had a good social life through out-of-school activities which made me just about able to cope with school, though it was agony the whole time.

Camino · 08/01/10 - 20:25

I would certainly move her as soon as possible, if she has better friends at the other school then there is no reason to believe she will have difficulty there, im sure the school she goes to now cant do a lot to help her they just treat kids like sheep so dont like children that dont fit in.

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 20:38

I feel for your daughter as (like many other people replying) was just the same. I was always brainy and kept being put in the top classes for maths where as all my friends were in lower groups - result? my grades slipped because i hated being sat on my own.

I was so shy and would never put myself forwward to make friends, i would always wait for them to come to me and make the first move (which rarely happened as they all had their own group of friends) and many a time, i was on my own.

Even now as an adult, i dont put myself forward to new people. Since having children myself it was a real effort to go to the first toddler group and if it wasnt for a friend meeting me outside and dragging me in, i would probably have never gone. I have finally made some great friends.

I can see my daughter being just the same though, even at her young age, i see her playing on her own rather than joining in with others. I am trying to encourage her by making more play dates for her.

I would move school so your child can be with her friends again. A happy child is more likely to want to learn.

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 20:41

I suppose it depends what 'problems' she's having - if she is being picked on (and that age is really the age that girls tend to start to be honest) then I'd be hesitant to simply up and move her. If it's a problem that she's struggling to make friends then again, really she needs to learn that skill maybe under the guidance of a teacher she trusts? Making friends is a skill that some find harder than others to learn - and really that's what a huge part of school is all about.

What do the school say about it all? Could it be that she wants to go to this other school and so is over-playing the upset at school? At that age kids know that deliberately leaving someone out is just as much bullying as being nasty to someone is - they're taught it from a very early age so if that is happening it needs to be stopped by the teachers.

Could it be as simple as the other kids not really noticing that she's not got others to play with? If that is the case then does she need some encouragement from maybe the teachers/dinner staff to gain the courage to approach some other girls - maybe just one who appears friendly in class?

My concerns with her moving school would be that her other friends have all spent 4 months without her in their 'clique' - I'm not so sure it would be as simple as her joining there and things going back to how they were once the novelty had worn off which in the long term could lead to loads more problems.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do though - it's so hard to see your child unhappy. I'd definitely have a one to one with her teacher in the first instance though and make it clear you think there is a real problem here

Shizuku · 08/01/10 - 20:42

When I was 9 I was exactly the same.

What you need to do is make sure she has some kind of regular, sociable hobbie outside school.

Something that means she can meet other kids who aren't from her school, they will all share a common interest, something she can look forward to, something that requires a certain amount of focus and practise, so she can escape from thoughts of school, something that she can become good at to build self esteem.

Having interests outside of school when school is difficult for you is VERY important for self esteem building.

As for moving schools, doing that by itself would be a very hit or miss kind of affair. I think it's really important to pick up an outside hobbie, build self esteem through that, then the school move becomes less pressurised as a solution to the problem.

[Deleted User] · 08/01/10 - 20:46

Shizuku wrote: »

When I was 9 I was exactly the same.

What you need to do is make sure she has some kind of regular, sociable hobbie outside school.

Something that means she can meet other kids who aren't from her school, they will all share a common interest, something she can look forward to, something that requires a certain amount of focus and practise, so she can escape from thoughts of school, something that she can become good at to build self esteem.

Having interests outside of school when school is difficult for you is VERY important for self esteem building.

As for moving schools, doing that by itself would be a very hit or miss kind of affair. I think it's really important to pick up an outside hobbie, build self esteem through that, then the school move becomes less pressurised as a solution to the problem.

Fantastic suggestion - I truly believe that being 'good' at something gives a child a real sense of confidence. Team games especially are great for kids as well - they learn to work together and build some great friendships through that as well. The wider a child's social circle at that age the better I think

frisky python · 08/01/10 - 20:57

Was the teacher actually aware of any problems with your daughter socialising at school before you told her? Did she confirm it to you or say she didn't know, or say "but she seems fine when she is here"?

Their response will give you an idea as to how serious this issue is and what they will do to address it. If they recognise there is an issue have they given you any feedback as to how your daughter behaves?

I say this because I had similar with my daughter last year in her very first year at school. I had tears and tummy-aches and lots of I-hate-school and other mums telling me that their children told them my daughter played on her own alot. However a year later things have settled. On discussing it with the teachers over several months they told me that many of the girls all want to be the boss (and my daughter is very bossy) so are fighting for "top-dog". She also just wants to play her game and would rather play that on her own than join in with others in a different game. It meant we could gently guide her on taking turns, not being a bossy-boots etc. The teachers also talked about what it meant to be friends, people being sad, how to help others etc.

I know your daughter is somewhat older, but the same principles should apply. In fact I've seen the head talk to the female year4 pupils about friendships (I help out in the school sometimes) to try and reinforce positive values and caring attitudes towards everyone. Will they do that at your daughters school?

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