If a teenager is disciplined enough to get out of bed 5 days a week at 6am, cycle approximately 7 miles, delivering papers in all weathers, and then go to school, you'd be a hard-hearted parent to say 'hand over your wages!' More than hard-hearted actually, you'd be totally out of order. Having a paper-round shows a good work ethic and an understanding of money from an early age.
No it doesn't.
You can have a child that works hard but can still be foolish with money. There's a good reason that a bank account for under 18s need a parent as a guarantor. Because most kids can't be trusted with money. Most of them will squander it on rubbish and if I don't want him to have something then he doesn't get it, whether or not it's his money or not. He's the child and I'm the parent so he does as he's told while he's a child living under my roof with my rules. He can do what he likes when he's an adult and not living under my rules.
If a child of mine showed me he could be trusted with his money then I'd let him buy himself gadgets if that's what he really wanted. However if he was using his money to buy himself something so he could underhandedly partake in something that he knows I wouldn't agree with (like chatting up strangers on the internet) then I'd ban him from having control over his own money.
What would you do if you're kids were using their pocket money to buy booze or **** or drugs? Would you still allow them to have their own money? I wouldn't!
Do you think stopping a teenager from having access to their own money would stop them drinking, smoking, trying drugs and talking to the opposite sex, online or in person? They'd still do it, but in secret.
You can't completely be in control of your teenage children, they are no longer toddlers.
You can educate them, talk to them, hopefully help them understand why you are concerned. But a blanket ban would lead to all sorts of problems. In my opinion, obviously.
Do you think stopping a teenager from having access to their own money would stop them drinking, smoking, trying drugs and talking to the opposite sex, online or in person? They'd still do it, but in secret.
You can't completely be in control of your teenage children, they are no longer toddlers.
You can educate them, talk to them, hopefully help them understand why you are concerned. But a blanket ban would lead to all sorts of problems. In my opinion, obviously.
And when talking and reasoning isn't working what do you do then?
I've witnessed far too much of liberal parenting these days and parents trying to be on the level with their kids and reasoning with them and it doesn't work.
Kids will continue to push boundaries until you put firm rules and boundaries in place and enforce them with discipline and punishments or taking away their rights and pleasures until they learn to do as they're told.
That is how I was brought up and how I bring my son up and so far according to his teachers I seem to be doing a pretty good job of bringing up a polite, respectful, well behaved child that does as he's told.
First I explain why I don't want him to do something and why it's bad and if he then chooses not to take any notice and continues to do so, I then start taking away his privileges until he learns to do as he's told.
We will have to agree to disagree, although I have never said I think teenagers should be given freedom to do whatever they desire, just that they are no longer children, and their views and opinions should be treated with respect and courtesy.
However, I am not a mother (yet) so I will leave this thread to those of you who have experience of parenting teenagers, and maybe return in 15 years time, weeping and wailing because I was wrong
We will have to agree to disagree, although I have never said I think teenagers should be given freedom to do whatever they desire, just that they are no longer children, and their views and opinions should be treated with respect and courtesy.
However, I am not a mother (yet) so I will leave this thread to those of you who have experience of parenting teenagers, and maybe return in 15 years time, weeping and wailing because I was wrong
I agree, being father of 4, 2 boys 2 girls and a grandad of 9 grandchildren. You get alot farther with teenagers, if you treat them how you expect to be treated, you need to be a friend as well as a parent. But each to thier own way of doing things
And when talking and reasoning isn't working what do you do then?
I've witnessed far too much of liberal parenting these days and parents trying to be on the level with their kids and reasoning with them and it doesn't work.
Kids will continue to push boundaries until you put firm rules and boundaries in place and enforce them with discipline and punishments or taking away their rights and pleasures until they learn to do as they're told.
That is how I was brought up and how I bring my son up and so far according to his teachers I seem to be doing a pretty good job of bringing up a polite, respectful, well behaved child that does as he's told.
First I explain why I don't want him to do something and why it's bad and if he then chooses not to take any notice and continues to do so, I then start taking away his privileges until he learns to do as he's told.
BIB, You answered your first question, you reason, you explain your concerns, you explain the sanctions, if no effect in the explanation department, then you are given no choice but to act, kids know this, they won't like it but they know.
Parents rule the roost not kids, parents pay the bills, not kids but teenagers should be afforded privacy where appropriate, unfortunately kids run with that but that's kids.
The OPs son wasn't going right way of doing things, his parents had/have a right to be concerned but to all intents and purposes the kid was doing no wrong and felt cornered and then was confronted with some facts, needlessly.
Ask to go on skype with them or to speak to her parents then monitor their chats if she is who she says she is it's probably safer than if they were close as there is no chance of them having sex as they are far too Young at 14
Home-schooling (or even receiving no education at all) seems to be a lot more common in the US than over here.
Haha what? It is illegal for parents not to enroll their children in some form of school up until the age of 16. I would ask where you got your information, but I know this is the internet so...
Haha what? It is illegal for parents not to enroll their children in some form of school up until the age of 16. I would ask where you got your information, but I know this is the internet so...
I know it's illegal. It's illegal here too but that doesn't stop some people. It's not a law always well enforced particularly among lower income areas and families here in the UK.
After having a little look at the stats I'm pleasantly suprised that things have got significantly better in the last 20 years; but historically speaking (second half of the 21st century) attendance and graduation rates were 10-15% lower than many other comparable developed countries.
That said, graduation rates are still lower than average, mainly in part because 'dropping out early' seems to be more common than comparable developed nations.
We have told him that he can chat with her as long as no photos are sent to her and that he needs to stop doing it all in secret but don't think he has listened to that.
To be truthful he will find a way of talking to her behide our backs but she does not seem to be at school so not sure what age they leave school over there.
So nothing has changed ....you admit he is ignoring you and you think he will continue...in other words the tail is still wagging the dog....you are the parents ,not him ...you have been given good advice on how to get on top of the situation but i'm assuming are too liberal meek or weak to get him to comply
I know it's illegal. It's illegal here too but that doesn't stop some people. It's not a law always well enforced particularly among lower income areas and families here in the UK.
After having a little look at the stats I'm pleasantly suprised that things have got significantly better in the last 20 years; but historically speaking (second half of the 21st century) attendance and graduation rates were 10-15% lower than many other comparable developed countries.
That said, graduation rates are still lower than average, mainly in part because 'dropping out early' seems to be more common than comparable developed nations.
But that is not what you said. You are changing the parameters of your initial discussion. I do not know about the statistics you stated post comment so I will take your word for it. But it is ill advised to try and compare numbers from different countries (ie. US drop out rates do not reflect individuals taking GED equivalency exams). But... I acknowledge the US could and should do better with its public school systems, but so should a lot of other countries (even in the Eurtopia).
Ask to go on skype with them or to speak to her parents then monitor their chats if she is who she says she is it's probably safer than if they were close as there is no chance of them having sex as they are far too Young at 14
I cannot believe people still chat to others on the net, taking a photo, or just a chat as a sign of the person being genuine.:o I agree with your comment. This kid could be chatting to anyone, so he needs to see the person on Skype. The parent should supervise the first Skype chat first though, to make sure the girl the son is talking to is genuine.
Do people no longer take any notice of old sayings such as 'he who pays the piper calls the tune?' Until offspring take an equal share or responsibility in the household, or move out, parents are responsible for them.
So nothing has changed ....you admit he is ignoring you and you think he will continue...in other words the tail is still wagging the dog....you are the parents ,not him ...you have been given good advice on how to get on top of the situation but i'm assuming are too liberal meek or weak to get him to comply
Your advice was way OTT and will just make an already difficult situation worse.
OP - you need to sit your son down and talk to him reasonably. He's being evasive because he's a 14 year old boy talking to a girl and the way you tackled it initially has probably left him hugely embarrassed. He doesn't want to talk to you about it. He's not comfortable with it and the defensive barriers have gone up, hence his carrying on in secret.
Despite their reputation, teenagers are perfectly capable of being reasonable if they can see you're not belittling them. You need to explain to him that you've no problem with him talking to a girl, but as you're sure he's aware, you can't be 100% certain who someone on the internet is. Remind him that if she asks him to do anything questionable he should terminate a conversation immediately. Remind him he shouldn't meet anyone from the internet alone. Remind him to take care of himself and to report anything he thinks is not right as he could be saving other kids who are less savvy from abuse.
Just a thought here, a lot of people are saying things like the boy should skype to make sure it is a 14 yo girl hes talking to, and the parents should supervise it.
What about if this really is a 14 yo girl and she has been told not to do any form of photo sharing or skype chats incase the other person isnt a 14 year old boy?
Nobody seems to see the double standards that she is expected to proove that she is who she says, but the boy doesnt have to? Or am i missing something. If the op insists skype happens but the girl doesnt want to then that doesnt proove that she isnt a girl, it could mean her parents are stricter and wont allow her to.
Even if you have no job, servants to run your household and no interests outside of your offspring it is impossible to police a teenager 24 hours a day. They are no longer 4 year olds who have to accept what you want, they are individuals who are trying to find their own way in life. A parent should guide, offer advice and support but anyone who thinks they can enforce without any reasonable discussion will ultimately come unstuck at some point.
Comments
No it doesn't.
You can have a child that works hard but can still be foolish with money. There's a good reason that a bank account for under 18s need a parent as a guarantor. Because most kids can't be trusted with money. Most of them will squander it on rubbish and if I don't want him to have something then he doesn't get it, whether or not it's his money or not. He's the child and I'm the parent so he does as he's told while he's a child living under my roof with my rules. He can do what he likes when he's an adult and not living under my rules.
If a child of mine showed me he could be trusted with his money then I'd let him buy himself gadgets if that's what he really wanted. However if he was using his money to buy himself something so he could underhandedly partake in something that he knows I wouldn't agree with (like chatting up strangers on the internet) then I'd ban him from having control over his own money.
What would you do if you're kids were using their pocket money to buy booze or **** or drugs? Would you still allow them to have their own money? I wouldn't!
You can't completely be in control of your teenage children, they are no longer toddlers.
You can educate them, talk to them, hopefully help them understand why you are concerned. But a blanket ban would lead to all sorts of problems. In my opinion, obviously.
And when talking and reasoning isn't working what do you do then?
I've witnessed far too much of liberal parenting these days and parents trying to be on the level with their kids and reasoning with them and it doesn't work.
Kids will continue to push boundaries until you put firm rules and boundaries in place and enforce them with discipline and punishments or taking away their rights and pleasures until they learn to do as they're told.
That is how I was brought up and how I bring my son up and so far according to his teachers I seem to be doing a pretty good job of bringing up a polite, respectful, well behaved child that does as he's told.
First I explain why I don't want him to do something and why it's bad and if he then chooses not to take any notice and continues to do so, I then start taking away his privileges until he learns to do as he's told.
Until in law they've reached a majority, teenagers are still children. They don't run the show. The parents do. Or should do.
However, I am not a mother (yet) so I will leave this thread to those of you who have experience of parenting teenagers, and maybe return in 15 years time, weeping and wailing because I was wrong
I agree, being father of 4, 2 boys 2 girls and a grandad of 9 grandchildren. You get alot farther with teenagers, if you treat them how you expect to be treated, you need to be a friend as well as a parent. But each to thier own way of doing things
Parents rule the roost not kids, parents pay the bills, not kids but teenagers should be afforded privacy where appropriate, unfortunately kids run with that but that's kids.
The OPs son wasn't going right way of doing things, his parents had/have a right to be concerned but to all intents and purposes the kid was doing no wrong and felt cornered and then was confronted with some facts, needlessly.
Haha what? It is illegal for parents not to enroll their children in some form of school up until the age of 16. I would ask where you got your information, but I know this is the internet so...
I know it's illegal. It's illegal here too but that doesn't stop some people. It's not a law always well enforced particularly among lower income areas and families here in the UK.
After having a little look at the stats I'm pleasantly suprised that things have got significantly better in the last 20 years; but historically speaking (second half of the 21st century) attendance and graduation rates were 10-15% lower than many other comparable developed countries.
That said, graduation rates are still lower than average, mainly in part because 'dropping out early' seems to be more common than comparable developed nations.
So nothing has changed ....you admit he is ignoring you and you think he will continue...in other words the tail is still wagging the dog....you are the parents ,not him ...you have been given good advice on how to get on top of the situation but i'm assuming are too liberal meek or weak to get him to comply
But that is not what you said. You are changing the parameters of your initial discussion. I do not know about the statistics you stated post comment so I will take your word for it. But it is ill advised to try and compare numbers from different countries (ie. US drop out rates do not reflect individuals taking GED equivalency exams). But... I acknowledge the US could and should do better with its public school systems, but so should a lot of other countries (even in the Eurtopia).
I cannot believe people still chat to others on the net, taking a photo, or just a chat as a sign of the person being genuine.:o I agree with your comment. This kid could be chatting to anyone, so he needs to see the person on Skype. The parent should supervise the first Skype chat first though, to make sure the girl the son is talking to is genuine.
Your advice was way OTT and will just make an already difficult situation worse.
OP - you need to sit your son down and talk to him reasonably. He's being evasive because he's a 14 year old boy talking to a girl and the way you tackled it initially has probably left him hugely embarrassed. He doesn't want to talk to you about it. He's not comfortable with it and the defensive barriers have gone up, hence his carrying on in secret.
Despite their reputation, teenagers are perfectly capable of being reasonable if they can see you're not belittling them. You need to explain to him that you've no problem with him talking to a girl, but as you're sure he's aware, you can't be 100% certain who someone on the internet is. Remind him that if she asks him to do anything questionable he should terminate a conversation immediately. Remind him he shouldn't meet anyone from the internet alone. Remind him to take care of himself and to report anything he thinks is not right as he could be saving other kids who are less savvy from abuse.
What about if this really is a 14 yo girl and she has been told not to do any form of photo sharing or skype chats incase the other person isnt a 14 year old boy?
Nobody seems to see the double standards that she is expected to proove that she is who she says, but the boy doesnt have to? Or am i missing something. If the op insists skype happens but the girl doesnt want to then that doesnt proove that she isnt a girl, it could mean her parents are stricter and wont allow her to.