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Husband Problems
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I have been with my husband for four years and married for nearly one, and lately things have started to go downhill.
I have a problem with jealously and insecurity and this has manifested itself as to me accusing him of cheating etc, which I don't believe he has. I also have an anger problem and have hit him in the past, when we argue now I don't get angry anymore as I know that it won't solve anything.
We have a council flat which has my name on the lease but he helped me get it.
Lately everything I ask him is because according to him I want to start an argument or he just won't listen.
I have been in tears every day because of his verbal abuse, he hates me, I should go stay with my parents and not come back, I control him etc.
Even writing this I am in tears.
I don't know what I have done to him recently that would explain his attitude to me. I have recently had an op and he couldn't have been nicer(probably because I spent most of my time recovering at my parents)
He is always telling me it's my flat(in arguments I have said this), and that my new man will treat me with respect(I have also said that when I get a new man he will treat me with respect)
Don't know why I'm airing my problems like this but have no one else I can talk to, that has maybe experienced what I am going through.
I have a problem with jealously and insecurity and this has manifested itself as to me accusing him of cheating etc, which I don't believe he has. I also have an anger problem and have hit him in the past, when we argue now I don't get angry anymore as I know that it won't solve anything.
We have a council flat which has my name on the lease but he helped me get it.
Lately everything I ask him is because according to him I want to start an argument or he just won't listen.
I have been in tears every day because of his verbal abuse, he hates me, I should go stay with my parents and not come back, I control him etc.
Even writing this I am in tears.
I don't know what I have done to him recently that would explain his attitude to me. I have recently had an op and he couldn't have been nicer(probably because I spent most of my time recovering at my parents)
He is always telling me it's my flat(in arguments I have said this), and that my new man will treat me with respect(I have also said that when I get a new man he will treat me with respect)
Don't know why I'm airing my problems like this but have no one else I can talk to, that has maybe experienced what I am going through.
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accusing him of cheating i would think!
It sounds like 4 years of your anger, abuse, hitting and jealousy have taken its toll on his reactions to you. You cant blame him for that.
The only way forward is for you both to have counselling. You need to repair the damage you have done and he needs to learn to trust you again.
If you keep going down the road you both are right now - playing the blame game - there's no chance you'll last much longer.
I was in a very abusive relationship and I don't think I have ever got myself help for what I went through then, and my ex is quite similar to my husband as in they can be quite nasty verbally, which is when I start to get angry and start overanalzing what he says to me, even though I should just brush it off.
I don't blame him, but I ask myself why now, why didn't he leave before we got married, to be honest(and I am ashamed of this), I have been worse, it is only recently that I have been trying to help myself re the violence, and jealously.
I would be up for Relate, but I know he won't, he just believes that I won't change, and that is what is in his head. I am trying to arrange counselling for myself though.
Is that basically it? I mean, seriously.
In a nutshell yes, though I am trying to deal with my insecuritys and violence. It is just lately he has been like this though.
The point is your post was about your confusion as to why he's giving you attitude now. I think the reason is pretty clear.
I understand that, but now, after four years........
Reached a tipping point perhaps.
I would guess it's because people have a breaking point. Perhaps he thought he could handle it, or still had belief that you and your behaviour would change, and maybe now he doesn't think that anymore?
He's not made of stone, OP. A person can only take so much. Keep chipping away at a man and he'll retaliate eventually, even the most gentle of men.
Also not nice to say but if you haven't been around for a while he's got a taste of what its like without it all.
Op, this problem has been going on constantly with your OH - you said in Jan 2009 he was fed up of you and saying he'd had enough of your anger etc. This is not a sudden development. This IS a toxic relationship. If you both don't agree to work this out with a counsellor, then you need to end it.
Perhaps it is time to draw a line under it and move on, in that case, for both your sakes.
And have some kind of therapy regarding the issues you have, before embarking on another relationship. You deserve to find peace of mind, but while you have so much emotional baggage, it's unlikely to happen.
http://forums.digitalspy.co.uk/showthread.php?t=963610&highlight=
There are actually quite a few threads relating to this issue from the OP, looking for answers to why she behaves this way, is there tablets to stop her anger etc - and every one tells her to get counselling.
You have been told many times over the years that you need to get help. Are you actually serious about saving your relationship, and to be honest any chance of having a future relationship with anybody ?
Whether it saves your marriage or not, you need professional help.
I think you are both better off apart for now, no one has to put up with abuse and he must love you very much to stay for this long. Now though, he seems at the end and the best thing you can do is set him free. You can then focus on your issues and be a better person for the next relationship you find.