While I agree with everything you are saying..yes I/we have been very lucky,she could have made things very awkward in the beggining when the youngest was only 13.
But 8 years down the line when the children are all adults I dont think im too unreasonable to want the day to be about us and not have to worry if the ex wife is ok and having a good time etc.
Its been a three way street for us all..OH had wife had been divorced for 2 years when he met me..but hadnt come out to anyone.
So while I am eternally greatful that she has been fine with it all..I have always had to be careful as to what i have said and how I have treated the children,I have never been involved with a man in his situation before so was a learning curve for us all.
We are now at the stage when I can honestly say I love his kids and would like to think they care about me,the oldest son addressed our xmas card to dad and dad which was lovely.
But I still would like the day to be about us and of course the kids...without looking over shoulder and being nervous about how she is feeling.
I think its clear that u have issues with his ex whether you are up front about it or not and that is something you have to try and get over, his ex has known him for a lot of years and been his best friend helped support him through all the big moments in his life even when it has probably been detrimental to her and i think your partner wanting to invite her as she has been a good friend for a long time etc is perfectly natural and i think you are being quite selfish unless your partner knows of your resentment to his ex then he would have no reason to know its a problem and assume its fine.
yes we all resent ex's in a lot of ways and the ties that bind but you made your choice to be with him and need to accept things as they are and that includes the ex's rightful place in his life (probably not explaining this very well)
I think its clear that u have issues with his ex whether you are up front about it or not and that is something you have to try and get over, his ex has known him for a lot of years and been his best friend helped support him through all the big moments in his life even when it has probably been detrimental to her and i think your partner wanting to invite her as she has been a good friend for a long time etc is perfectly natural and i think you are being quite selfish unless your partner knows of your resentment to his ex then he would have no reason to know its a problem and assume its fine.
yes we all resent ex's in a lot of ways and the ties that bind but you made your choice to be with him and need to accept things as they are and that includes the ex's rightful place in his life (probably not explaining this very well)
I can honestly say I have no resentment or ill feeling to his ex at all I have nothing but respect for her..that said tho this is the one day in my/our life when it will be nice to have the focius for want of a better word on us.
That may come accross as selfish then so be it...but I really dont mean to be.
Yes you are correct in her being a huge part of his life but i have people in my life that i have loved etc..I wouldnt dream of inviting them to our wedding.
But as I have said if OH and children want her to come I will of course honour that.
Now, while I think it's very grown up and honourable and decent for you and your fiance to invite his ex-wife to the ceremony, if she is as nice as you've made her sound, there is a pretty good chance that she will gracefully decline.
However, if you do invite her and she says yes, then I've got a solution for this bit
l
But 8 years down the line when the children are all adults I dont think im too unreasonable to want the day to be about us and not have to worry if the ex wife is ok and having a good time etc.
This is where her kids can come into the equation, they are adults, so they should have some inkling of responsibility to ther mother. If she needs looking after and her kids will all be there, then it would help you and their father and their mother if they stepped up and looked after her at the wedding.
Generally, at any wedding I've been to, the main protagonists make it their busines to talk to as many of their guests as they can, it is absolutely not their job to make sure everyone is having a good time. Aunts and cousins and the best man, bridesmaids, ushers, uncles and neices and kids get prevailed upon to look after other members of the family or friends who don't know anyone else, if it is deemed to be necessary.
Has this lady got a new partner? Be ideal if she did have, because then she'd have someone by her side all the time.
I entered into a Civil Partnership last year. I was married to a woman for 15 years previously. We had a great relationship during our marriage - and that continued afterwards. Although it was difficult in the beginning she accepted me for who I was and wanted nothing but happiness for me. I will always be eternally grateful for her support during the time I came out.
My civil partnership was the most wonderful day of my life - and we invited my ex-wife. Yes there were questions about if it was appropriate or not but I felt I wanted her there and my partner was more than happy for her to come along. Even if he didn't like he didn't show it. They get on just fine, they'll never be best friends but he's very supportive of our friendship. I could go on but I wont' bore with details
As someone who came out later in life, the one person I always could rely on was my ex-wife and for that I will always be thankful.
My civil partner is an amazing guy for accepting this friendship when others might not and our wedding day was absoloutely amazing. Everyone we both wanted there was there which made it so special
Trust me you'll be far too happy/nervous to be worrying about anyone else on the day and savour every single minute. Ours was truly magical
Now, while I think it's very grown up and honourable and decent for you and your fiance to invite his ex-wife to the ceremony, if she is as nice as you've made her sound, there is a pretty good chance that she will gracefully decline.
However, if you do invite her and she says yes, then I've got a solution for this bit
l
This is where her kids can come into the equation, they are adults, so they should have some inkling of responsibility to ther mother. If she needs looking after and her kids will all be there, then it would help you and their father and their mother if they stepped up and looked after her at the wedding.
Generally, at any wedding I've been to, the main protagonists make it their busines to talk to as many of their guests as they can, it is absolutely not their job to make sure everyone is having a good time. Aunts and cousins and the best man, bridesmaids, ushers, uncles and neices and kids get prevailed upon to look after other members of the family or friends who don't know anyone else, if it is deemed to be necessary.
Has this lady got a new partner? Be ideal if she did have, because then she'd have someone by her side all the time.
Thanki for a great post..yes i do think that she may well decline,sadly she doesnt have a new partner.
OH and I have spoken this evening and a compromise has been reached.
We will invite her to the reception in the evening with a plus one so she can bring a friend if she decides to attend.
I think that way OH wont feel guilty or mean and I wont feel awkward.
I entered into a Civil Partnership last year. I was married to a woman for 15 years previously. We had a great relationship during our marriage - and that continued afterwards. Although it was difficult in the beginning she accepted me for who I was and wanted nothing but happiness for me. I will always be eternally grateful for her support during the time I came out.
My civil partnership was the most wonderful day of my life - and we invited my ex-wife. Yes there were questions about if it was appropriate or not but I felt I wanted her there and my partner was more than happy for her to come along. Even if he didn't like he didn't show it. They get on just fine, they'll never be best friends but he's very supportive of our friendship. I could go on but I wont' bore with details
As someone who came out later in life, the one person I always could rely on was my ex-wife and for that I will always be thankful.
My civil partner is an amazing guy for accepting this friendship when others might not and our wedding day was absoloutely amazing. Everyone we both wanted there was there which made it so special
Trust me you'll be far too happy/nervous to be worrying about anyone else on the day and savour every single minute. Ours was truly magical
Have a great day
Wow thanks!! so nice to have someone with first hand knowledge.
As I have said in previous post we have decided that we will invite her to the reception with a friend if she wants that way she may not feel so isolated.
I think even the OH is relieved that we wont be inviting her to the ceremony itself..as although they are always on talking terms I wouldnt go as far as to say they are friends.
After my parents divorced, my mum went to my dad's second wedding, and my dad went to my mum's second wedding. And my mum (and her husband) both went to my dad's funeral.
Maybe that's not the norm, but I didn't see it as being in any way unnatural. My mum and my dad's wife get on very well, and there has never been any animosity between any of them. I don't think for one second that my dad's second wife didn't want my mum at her wedding, and i don't think that my mum's second husband didn't want my dad at his wedding.
Everybody knew that both parties had been married before, most people who were friends with my dad were friends with my mum as well so it would have seemed strange if she hadn't been there, same the other way round. There was no uncomfortable feelings involved at all, not sure why anybody thinks there would be? As long as ex-husband and ex-wife get along perfectly well, why should there be any problems?
I've been to the weddings of three ex-girlfriends - in each case, the husband knew that I'd been a previous boyfriend of the bride, and again, there was no animosity or jealousy or uncomfortable feelings at all. Maybe it's strange to continue to be friends with ex-partners, I don't know, but there are very few ex-girlfriends that I'm not still on very good terms with.
Phew, I got asfar as this post before feeling reassured that I wasn't alone in this view.
Perhaps a compromise - not invite her to the actual ceremony but to the bash afterwards. My ex and his then girlfriend came to my second wedding reception. In turn my husband and I attended his wedding reception just last year. I think having your exes around is quite a welcome endorsement, nothing weird about it at all.
ETA - see that's the outcome you've gone for (reception) - fab
Phew, I got asfar as this post before feeling reassured that I wasn't alone in this view.
Perhaps a compromise - not invite her to the actual ceremony but to the bash afterwards. My ex and his then girlfriend came to my second wedding reception. In turn my husband and I attended his wedding reception just last year. I think having your exes around is quite a welcome endorsement, nothing weird about it at all.
ETA - see that's the outcome you've gone for (reception) - fab
LOL I get your point susie..We dont have MIL...they are both dead..but I know what you mean.
I have said I will do whatever is needed re this..But I really do think his kids would rather she wasnt there also..I am getting him to talk to them later and finding out whats what etc.
Well, if the kids would prefer she wasn't at the ceremony, I'd be tempted to offer the solution that someone else suggested - don't invite her to the ceremony, but ask her to the party afterwards. That's quite acceptable these days, and should keep everyone happy.
Well, if the kids would prefer she wasn't at the ceremony, I'd be tempted to offer the solution that someone else suggested - don't invite her to the ceremony, but ask her to the party afterwards. That's quite acceptable these days, and should keep everyone happy.
Thats exactly what we have decided to do..seems the best option for all.
Oh yes, we managed an armed truce. It was a long time ago, and we never really got on (she's no longer with us), but no point in having a stand-up fight. She made no secret of her feelings, though, and that was quite hard sometimes. At least you've only got an ex-wife to cope with, not a mother who thinks her son's married beneath him! We got the last laugh, though, we've been married for 36 years and we're still talking to each other!
Oh yes, we managed an armed truce. It was a long time ago, and we never really got on (she's no longer with us), but no point in having a stand-up fight. She made no secret of her feelings, though, and that was quite hard sometimes. At least you've only got an ex-wife to cope with, not a mother who thinks her son's married beneath him! We got the last laugh, though, we've been married for 36 years and we're still talking to each other!
LOL pleased you had the last laugh..OH is lucky my mother was a witch so hes had a lucky escape..lol
Comments
I think its clear that u have issues with his ex whether you are up front about it or not and that is something you have to try and get over, his ex has known him for a lot of years and been his best friend helped support him through all the big moments in his life even when it has probably been detrimental to her and i think your partner wanting to invite her as she has been a good friend for a long time etc is perfectly natural and i think you are being quite selfish unless your partner knows of your resentment to his ex then he would have no reason to know its a problem and assume its fine.
yes we all resent ex's in a lot of ways and the ties that bind but you made your choice to be with him and need to accept things as they are and that includes the ex's rightful place in his life (probably not explaining this very well)
That may come accross as selfish then so be it...but I really dont mean to be.
Yes you are correct in her being a huge part of his life but i have people in my life that i have loved etc..I wouldnt dream of inviting them to our wedding.
But as I have said if OH and children want her to come I will of course honour that.
Now, while I think it's very grown up and honourable and decent for you and your fiance to invite his ex-wife to the ceremony, if she is as nice as you've made her sound, there is a pretty good chance that she will gracefully decline.
However, if you do invite her and she says yes, then I've got a solution for this bit
l
This is where her kids can come into the equation, they are adults, so they should have some inkling of responsibility to ther mother. If she needs looking after and her kids will all be there, then it would help you and their father and their mother if they stepped up and looked after her at the wedding.
Generally, at any wedding I've been to, the main protagonists make it their busines to talk to as many of their guests as they can, it is absolutely not their job to make sure everyone is having a good time. Aunts and cousins and the best man, bridesmaids, ushers, uncles and neices and kids get prevailed upon to look after other members of the family or friends who don't know anyone else, if it is deemed to be necessary.
Has this lady got a new partner? Be ideal if she did have, because then she'd have someone by her side all the time.
My civil partnership was the most wonderful day of my life - and we invited my ex-wife. Yes there were questions about if it was appropriate or not but I felt I wanted her there and my partner was more than happy for her to come along. Even if he didn't like he didn't show it. They get on just fine, they'll never be best friends but he's very supportive of our friendship. I could go on but I wont' bore with details
As someone who came out later in life, the one person I always could rely on was my ex-wife and for that I will always be thankful.
My civil partner is an amazing guy for accepting this friendship when others might not and our wedding day was absoloutely amazing. Everyone we both wanted there was there which made it so special
Trust me you'll be far too happy/nervous to be worrying about anyone else on the day and savour every single minute. Ours was truly magical
Have a great day
Thanki for a great post..yes i do think that she may well decline,sadly she doesnt have a new partner.
OH and I have spoken this evening and a compromise has been reached.
We will invite her to the reception in the evening with a plus one so she can bring a friend if she decides to attend.
I think that way OH wont feel guilty or mean and I wont feel awkward.
Wow thanks!! so nice to have someone with first hand knowledge.
As I have said in previous post we have decided that we will invite her to the reception with a friend if she wants that way she may not feel so isolated.
I think even the OH is relieved that we wont be inviting her to the ceremony itself..as although they are always on talking terms I wouldnt go as far as to say they are friends.
Phew, I got asfar as this post before feeling reassured that I wasn't alone in this view.
Perhaps a compromise - not invite her to the actual ceremony but to the bash afterwards. My ex and his then girlfriend came to my second wedding reception. In turn my husband and I attended his wedding reception just last year. I think having your exes around is quite a welcome endorsement, nothing weird about it at all.
ETA - see that's the outcome you've gone for (reception) - fab
LOL yes indeed...thanks for the reply.
Well, if the kids would prefer she wasn't at the ceremony, I'd be tempted to offer the solution that someone else suggested - don't invite her to the ceremony, but ask her to the party afterwards. That's quite acceptable these days, and should keep everyone happy.
Thats exactly what we have decided to do..seems the best option for all.
Brilliant, glad it worked out. I do sympathise - I didn't have an ex-partner to deal with, but the MIL more than made up for it!!
Oh dear!! was it ever ok?
Oh yes, we managed an armed truce. It was a long time ago, and we never really got on (she's no longer with us), but no point in having a stand-up fight. She made no secret of her feelings, though, and that was quite hard sometimes. At least you've only got an ex-wife to cope with, not a mother who thinks her son's married beneath him!
LOL pleased you had the last laugh..OH is lucky my mother was a witch so hes had a lucky escape..lol