Oh. If it was walking IN I would have done it because nobody would see me lifting it and starting the journey and after I put it down I could just sit and "relax", but the idea of sitting there during the funeral shaking and sweating and dreading it, having to get up in front of everyone and lift it and start walking past people with it makes me want to throw up.
If you're really dreading it that much just say you have a sore arm, a harmless little white lie which would excuse you straight away. There's bound to be somebody else who can step in a do it who doesn't mind. It will be a difficult enough day saying goodbye to your grandma without any added unnecessary stresses.
I would go with the "arm in a sling" suggestion. Then it's a more believable and perfectly valid excuse.
On a side note, I would disagree that people at funerals never focus on anyone but the deceased. I was at a colleague's funeral recently who died very young leaving a young family. I felt incredibly awkward and evil because I couldn't even shed a tear when everyone around me was sobbing. The most awful thing was that everyone knew we were incredibly close, which made it even worse. Now some of my colleagues think I'm an evil bitch for being so cold and are quite "off" with me. The truth is we had an affair which ended coldly and seeing and speaking to his nice wife (whom I had never met previously) just reminded me of all the lies he told me about her. As hard as I tried, I couldn't think of anything else, even though he was a wonderful man with countless great qualities and his death is a real tragedy. Sorry for taking the thread off topic, but I didn't want to start a separate thread about this and I guess I just wanted to share it with someone.
I did it when I was younger. I had general social anxiety too. That was soon forgotten once I was there.
I'm glad I did it. Had I not then I'm sure I would have felt badly about it at some point afterwards. I already struggled with blaming myself for things and that would definitely have been added to my list at some point when I was feeling low in the future.
There really is nothing to it at all. I did it all in a daze. People will look out for you.
Sometimes the things that you have to push yourself to do against your natural instincts are the things you feel most proud of afterwards - even if it seems simple to other people - because you know how much you worried about it beforehand. I've also noticed that the reality of a situation is often nowhere near as bad as you imagine beforehand if you are the type of person who struggles with anxiety, depression and catastrophic thinking and those kind of things.
I'm not saying you must do it, nor judging you if you feel it is beyond you. Only you know your limits. I'm just saying I was in the same position once myself, with similar sounding issues, and I'm glad I did it. And my pre-service anxiety was totally misplaced and evaporated completely on the day.
I would go with the "arm in a sling" suggestion. Then it's a more believable and perfectly valid excuse.
On a side note, I would disagree that people at funerals never focus on anyone but the deceased. I was at a colleague's funeral recently who died very young leaving a young family. I felt incredibly awkward and evil because I couldn't even shed a tear when everyone around me was sobbing. The most awful thing was that everyone knew we were incredibly close, which made it even worse. Now some of my colleagues think I'm an evil bitch for being so cold and are quite "off" with me. The truth is we had an affair which ended coldly and seeing and speaking to his nice wife (whom I had never met previously) just reminded me of all the lies he told me about her. As hard as I tried, I couldn't think of anything else, even though he was a wonderful man with countless great qualities and his death is a real tragedy. Sorry for taking the thread off topic, but I didn't want to start a separate thread about this and I guess I just wanted to share it with someone.
People grieve in different ways just because you didn't cry it doesn't mean you didn't care. Nobody should be judging anybody else at a funeral there's no right way to grieve. I didn't cry at all at my grandma's funeral despite her being the person I was closest to in the whole world. I cried continuously for about 3 days from her passing by the time of the funeral I suppose I was all cried out.
If you really don't think you can, have a quiet word with the funeral directors at the appropriate time. It's their job to manage the procession, they won't force you. No-one else needs to be involved.
Having done the carrying though, you really should see it as a privilege to be asked. Whichever corner you get you'll be visible only to a small number of people, none of whom will be angry or judgemental at you. All they'll see is the coffin, and the fine people tasked with the final journey. Deep breath, 2 minutes and it's all done. You should see it as an opportunity to show your compassion, not as a trial and tribulation to overcome.
I think you're making a big fuss over nothing, sorry OP but I do. You're only being asked to help carry a coffin (which I thought were wheeled on a trolley nowadays?), not do a song and dance act in front of a stadium full of people.
I think you're making a big fuss over nothing, sorry OP but I do. You're only being asked to help carry a coffin (which I thought were wheeled on a trolley nowadays?), not do a song and dance act in front of a stadium full of people.
In the OP's defence, social anxiety isn't just a fear of putting on a performance. For me it's any situation in which people might focus on me at some point. It's not something I can explain or justify, it's just how I feel.
Well so far I've told a family friend and another family member (from the other relative side of the family) about my fears of being a pallbearer and both told me that it would be what my Gran would want me to do and I should be proud and honoured. How can I honestly turn it down when they say that stuff to me?
This is a tough situation, feel for you Shadow. I was incredibly nervous about carrying my mother's coffin in, mainly because I am very clumsy and I fretted about the worst. It took seconds and I'm glad I did it.
Everyone's focus will be on your grandmother, not yourself. I am NOT saying "pull your bootstraps up" or whatever, but have you considered the idea of just going for it? Anxiety is fear of the unknown. By gritting your teeth and doing this you could take a good chunk out of your anxiety.
Well so far I've told a family friend and another family member (from the other relative side of the family) about my fears of being a pallbearer and both told me that it would be what my Gran would want me to do and I should be proud and honoured. How can I honestly turn it down when they say that stuff to me?
Now think about it - would your Gran have wanted you to feel sick and worried ? I doubt it she would have understood. It's just other people not understanding your problem so either explain to them or just make a little excuse like others have said.
I think you're making a big fuss over nothing, sorry OP but I do. You're only being asked to help carry a coffin (which I thought were wheeled on a trolley nowadays?), not do a song and dance act in front of a stadium full of people.
That depends on the church or crematorium, some older churches are not set up for trolleys etc, my MILs funeral the access was incredibly difficult with a sharp right turn and narrow path, even the trained pall barers were having problems.
I recently attended a family wedding and politely asked to not be an usher due to my social anxiety. They were absolutely fine with it and very understanding.
Just as I'm sure it would be understanding at a funeral not to be a pallbearer. Ideally you want to attend the funeral to pay your respects, you don't want the day to be some stress-filled occasion that you're going to dread due to having a lot of eyes on you.
But....you need to be open about your anxiety problems with your family. It makes things a whole lot easier.
Oh, and ignore any comments about 'pulling yourself together' and all that nonsense. That's just ignorance.
Oh, and ignore any comments about 'pulling yourself together' and all that nonsense. That's just ignorance.
I agree, and I'm quite surprised at some of the comments. I thought the stigma of mental health was lifting, and people were seeing it on a par with physical health. Clearly there is some way to go.
To those people saying the OP is worrying (or making a fuss over) nothing, or telling the OP what he should or shouldn't feel - do you really think it's that simple?
If it were just a case of someone telling themselves there's nothing to worry about, I'm sure the OP would do that, as would everyone else with an anxiety disorder. People with phobias can tell themselves the same thing. Perhaps people with depression can simply tell themselves there's nothing to be depressed about, and be ok - how great would that be?!
Why waste time and effort undergoing counselling, therapy, and other treatment, when all they need is to have a word with themselves?
OP, please don't let people bully or manipulate you into this, or use emotional blackmail such as telling you it's what your gran would have wanted. They don't know what she would have wanted, and are only saying it as a way to guilt trip you into doing what THEY want.
I agree, and I'm quite surprised at some of the comments. I thought the stigma of mental health was lifting, and people were seeing it on a par with physical health. Clearly there is some way to go.
To those people saying the OP is worrying (or making a fuss over) nothing, or telling the OP what he should or shouldn't feel - do you really think it's that simple?
If it were just a case of someone telling themselves there's nothing to worry about, I'm sure the OP would do that, as would everyone else with an anxiety disorder. People with phobias can tell themselves the same thing. Perhaps people with depression can simply tell themselves there's nothing to be depressed about, and be ok - how great would that be?!
Why waste time and effort undergoing counselling, therapy, and other treatment, when all they need is to have a word with themselves?
OP, please don't let people bully or manipulate you into this, or use emotional blackmail such as telling you it's what your gran would have wanted. They don't know what she would have wanted, and are only saying it as a way to guilt trip you into doing what THEY want.
Excellent post, oddly never hear anyone tell someone with a broken leg to pull themselves together and walk !
If you can't overcome your fear sufficiently, then you can't. It really has to come from you. Some people in the family may not understand such fear as they may never have experienced inward terror at the prospect of seemingly ordinary things. Others will probably be more accepting and understanding, though, when you tell them you have a terror of doing such public things. I had to speak for the family at three funerals as we had the problem of people not wanting / being unable to do it. If you contact the funeral arrangers beforehand to let them know it is beyond your ability to cope, you won't be involved in any embarrassing moments on the day of the funeral.
Excellent post, oddly never hear anyone tell someone with a broken leg to pull themselves together and walk !
For most social situations I agree (including deaths of acquaintances) - but deaths of close people can stay with you in my experience - depending on how close they were (which is the important thing) - you don't even realise it until a few years down the line.
Beware of backing out of saying goodbye to someone you care about.
I had to do this - and was genuinely scared of dropping it (and worse).
There are Six usually not Four - so one can be a makeweight. Depends really on who the others are.
I don't know about makeweight. I was a pallbearer at a family funeral, and the coffin was surprisingly heavy. It certainly needed all of us. As everyone says, nobody really sees, or takes much notice of the pallbearers themselves.
In the OP's defence, social anxiety isn't just a fear of putting on a performance. For me it's any situation in which people might focus on me at some point. It's not something I can explain or justify, it's just how I feel.
Yeah we get that, is it really that much of an ordeal to spare a few moments to honour a relative ?
Sometimes we have to do stuff we don't want to do for the greater good.
OP, please don't let people bully or manipulate you into this, or use emotional blackmail such as telling you it's what your gran would have wanted. They don't know what she would have wanted, and are only saying it as a way to guilt trip you into doing what THEY want.
I agree entirely.
I'm a very outgoing person, have no social anxiety at all but I would be concerned about being a pall-bearer because of getting it wrong - not being strong enough physically, getting the weight distribution wrong, dropping it... no way would I be happy to do this but because I'm a confident individual, I could just firmly say no.
You can say no too, OP. All the s/he would have wanted / you'll regret not doing it etc is bollocks, frankly. What matters is how one treated the deceased in life not whether you want to hoick a coffin onto your shoulder when they're dead. Practise saying "no, it is not something I want to do..." in the mirror and if anyone says something to you out of the blue on the day, just say "no". And don't feel guilty.
Sometimes we have to do stuff we don't want to do for the greater good.
An absurd point in this context. Doing something for the greater good is donating blood or volunteering in Sierra Leone, not carrying a relative's coffin.
Yeah we get that, is it really that much of an ordeal to spare a few moments to honour a relative ?
Sometimes we have to do stuff we don't want to do for the greater good.
Honestly, it is really bad for me. I spent all last night thinking of it and this morning. A few of my family members casually mentioned it to me at dinner today "oh you'll probably need to carry the coffin" and when I shook my head and said "no, sorry I'm not doing it" one relative stared at me and said "but you need to, it's an honour" and the other - my mother - said "God's sake, he's terrible, you can't say no to these things".
I will have to refuse and I'll feel horrible for doing it and no doubt some family members will think less of me, but I would end up shaking and sweating so much I would definitely make a mistake. If I get asked to, however, I would definitely lower a cord into the grave.
Honestly, it is really bad for me. I spent all last night thinking of it and this morning. A few of my family members casually mentioned it to me at dinner today "oh you'll probably need to carry the coffin" and when I shook my head and said "no, sorry I'm not doing it" one relative stared at me and said "but you need to, it's an honour" and the other - my mother - said "God's sake, he's terrible, you can't say no to these things".
I will have to refuse and I'll feel horrible for doing it and no doubt some family members will think less of me, but I would end up shaking and sweating so much I would definitely make a mistake. If I get asked to, however, I would definitely lower a cord into the grave.
The more the relatives make those sort of comments, the more stubborn I would get about not doing it! They are being selfish because they are ruining your memory of the funeral, I don't see why it is of any importance to anyone else that you do it.
Yeah we get that, is it really that much of an ordeal to spare a few moments to honour a relative ?
Sometimes we have to do stuff we don't want to do for the greater good.
Yes, actually it CAN be an ordeal. I often do things I "don't want to do" but then there are other things that fill me with absolute vomit-inducing shaking fear. It's a big difference and, to be fair to you, if you don't suffer with it, it's very difficult to sympathise with.
I would agree that there are perhaps certain situations where just getting on with it my be possible and even helpful in some way. However I think the funeral of a loved one is a difficult enough event without the added crushing anxiety. You can honour a relative without actually carrying the coffin - all but 6 of the attendees will be doing the same after all.
Honestly, it is really bad for me. I spent all last night thinking of it and this morning. A few of my family members casually mentioned it to me at dinner today "oh you'll probably need to carry the coffin" and when I shook my head and said "no, sorry I'm not doing it" one relative stared at me and said "but you need to, it's an honour" and the other - my mother - said "God's sake, he's terrible, you can't say no to these things".
I will have to refuse and I'll feel horrible for doing it and no doubt some family members will think less of me, but I would end up shaking and sweating so much I would definitely make a mistake. If I get asked to, however, I would definitely lower a cord into the grave.
Shadow - do what you think is best for you on the day.
Relatives acting as pall bearers is not a universal thing - every funeral (or rather cremation) that I've been to has the undertakers carrying the coffin, not the family.
You need to have an immediate and stiff word with whoever is organising the funeral and flatly refuse, if pressed for a reason claim a lifelong phobia of funerals coffins etc and thats it, never ever going to happen. Then refuse to discuss it, fwiw the cost of funerals ought to cover six pallbearers anyway , what if a family didnt have six relatives, and why should it be men anyway, women hardly face the dilemna, so bollocks to all of them. After my mother died when i was 16 my entire family know i wont go to a funeral ever again, i dont care whose it is. I never have. so tell the funeral home or family youre not doing the pallbearing or if you cant face anyones disapproval get your foot strapped up a week beforehand for a sprained ankle and borrow some crutches
Like others have said, everyones focus will NOT be on you. Heads will be bowed and peoples thoughts will be of their memories of your late Grandmother.
Its a job that nobody would really want to do but out of a sign of respect you should be a pallbearer. Nothing bad will happen. And to think of lying to worm your way out of it is really tasteless.
Comments
If you're really dreading it that much just say you have a sore arm, a harmless little white lie which would excuse you straight away. There's bound to be somebody else who can step in a do it who doesn't mind. It will be a difficult enough day saying goodbye to your grandma without any added unnecessary stresses.
On a side note, I would disagree that people at funerals never focus on anyone but the deceased. I was at a colleague's funeral recently who died very young leaving a young family. I felt incredibly awkward and evil because I couldn't even shed a tear when everyone around me was sobbing. The most awful thing was that everyone knew we were incredibly close, which made it even worse. Now some of my colleagues think I'm an evil bitch for being so cold and are quite "off" with me. The truth is we had an affair which ended coldly and seeing and speaking to his nice wife (whom I had never met previously) just reminded me of all the lies he told me about her. As hard as I tried, I couldn't think of anything else, even though he was a wonderful man with countless great qualities and his death is a real tragedy. Sorry for taking the thread off topic, but I didn't want to start a separate thread about this and I guess I just wanted to share it with someone.
I'm glad I did it. Had I not then I'm sure I would have felt badly about it at some point afterwards. I already struggled with blaming myself for things and that would definitely have been added to my list at some point when I was feeling low in the future.
There really is nothing to it at all. I did it all in a daze. People will look out for you.
Sometimes the things that you have to push yourself to do against your natural instincts are the things you feel most proud of afterwards - even if it seems simple to other people - because you know how much you worried about it beforehand. I've also noticed that the reality of a situation is often nowhere near as bad as you imagine beforehand if you are the type of person who struggles with anxiety, depression and catastrophic thinking and those kind of things.
I'm not saying you must do it, nor judging you if you feel it is beyond you. Only you know your limits. I'm just saying I was in the same position once myself, with similar sounding issues, and I'm glad I did it. And my pre-service anxiety was totally misplaced and evaporated completely on the day.
People grieve in different ways just because you didn't cry it doesn't mean you didn't care. Nobody should be judging anybody else at a funeral there's no right way to grieve. I didn't cry at all at my grandma's funeral despite her being the person I was closest to in the whole world. I cried continuously for about 3 days from her passing by the time of the funeral I suppose I was all cried out.
Having done the carrying though, you really should see it as a privilege to be asked. Whichever corner you get you'll be visible only to a small number of people, none of whom will be angry or judgemental at you. All they'll see is the coffin, and the fine people tasked with the final journey. Deep breath, 2 minutes and it's all done. You should see it as an opportunity to show your compassion, not as a trial and tribulation to overcome.
In the OP's defence, social anxiety isn't just a fear of putting on a performance. For me it's any situation in which people might focus on me at some point. It's not something I can explain or justify, it's just how I feel.
This is a tough situation, feel for you Shadow. I was incredibly nervous about carrying my mother's coffin in, mainly because I am very clumsy and I fretted about the worst. It took seconds and I'm glad I did it.
Everyone's focus will be on your grandmother, not yourself. I am NOT saying "pull your bootstraps up" or whatever, but have you considered the idea of just going for it? Anxiety is fear of the unknown. By gritting your teeth and doing this you could take a good chunk out of your anxiety.
Now think about it - would your Gran have wanted you to feel sick and worried ? I doubt it she would have understood. It's just other people not understanding your problem so either explain to them or just make a little excuse like others have said.
That depends on the church or crematorium, some older churches are not set up for trolleys etc, my MILs funeral the access was incredibly difficult with a sharp right turn and narrow path, even the trained pall barers were having problems.
Just as I'm sure it would be understanding at a funeral not to be a pallbearer. Ideally you want to attend the funeral to pay your respects, you don't want the day to be some stress-filled occasion that you're going to dread due to having a lot of eyes on you.
But....you need to be open about your anxiety problems with your family. It makes things a whole lot easier.
Oh, and ignore any comments about 'pulling yourself together' and all that nonsense. That's just ignorance.
There are Six usually not Four - so one can be a makeweight. Depends really on who the others are.
I agree, and I'm quite surprised at some of the comments. I thought the stigma of mental health was lifting, and people were seeing it on a par with physical health. Clearly there is some way to go.
To those people saying the OP is worrying (or making a fuss over) nothing, or telling the OP what he should or shouldn't feel - do you really think it's that simple?
If it were just a case of someone telling themselves there's nothing to worry about, I'm sure the OP would do that, as would everyone else with an anxiety disorder. People with phobias can tell themselves the same thing. Perhaps people with depression can simply tell themselves there's nothing to be depressed about, and be ok - how great would that be?!
Why waste time and effort undergoing counselling, therapy, and other treatment, when all they need is to have a word with themselves?
OP, please don't let people bully or manipulate you into this, or use emotional blackmail such as telling you it's what your gran would have wanted. They don't know what she would have wanted, and are only saying it as a way to guilt trip you into doing what THEY want.
Excellent post, oddly never hear anyone tell someone with a broken leg to pull themselves together and walk !
For most social situations I agree (including deaths of acquaintances) - but deaths of close people can stay with you in my experience - depending on how close they were (which is the important thing) - you don't even realise it until a few years down the line.
Beware of backing out of saying goodbye to someone you care about.
I don't know about makeweight. I was a pallbearer at a family funeral, and the coffin was surprisingly heavy. It certainly needed all of us. As everyone says, nobody really sees, or takes much notice of the pallbearers themselves.
Yeah we get that, is it really that much of an ordeal to spare a few moments to honour a relative ?
Sometimes we have to do stuff we don't want to do for the greater good.
I'm a very outgoing person, have no social anxiety at all but I would be concerned about being a pall-bearer because of getting it wrong - not being strong enough physically, getting the weight distribution wrong, dropping it... no way would I be happy to do this but because I'm a confident individual, I could just firmly say no.
You can say no too, OP. All the s/he would have wanted / you'll regret not doing it etc is bollocks, frankly. What matters is how one treated the deceased in life not whether you want to hoick a coffin onto your shoulder when they're dead. Practise saying "no, it is not something I want to do..." in the mirror and if anyone says something to you out of the blue on the day, just say "no". And don't feel guilty.
An absurd point in this context. Doing something for the greater good is donating blood or volunteering in Sierra Leone, not carrying a relative's coffin.
Honestly, it is really bad for me. I spent all last night thinking of it and this morning. A few of my family members casually mentioned it to me at dinner today "oh you'll probably need to carry the coffin" and when I shook my head and said "no, sorry I'm not doing it" one relative stared at me and said "but you need to, it's an honour" and the other - my mother - said "God's sake, he's terrible, you can't say no to these things".
I will have to refuse and I'll feel horrible for doing it and no doubt some family members will think less of me, but I would end up shaking and sweating so much I would definitely make a mistake. If I get asked to, however, I would definitely lower a cord into the grave.
The more the relatives make those sort of comments, the more stubborn I would get about not doing it! They are being selfish because they are ruining your memory of the funeral, I don't see why it is of any importance to anyone else that you do it.
Yes, actually it CAN be an ordeal. I often do things I "don't want to do" but then there are other things that fill me with absolute vomit-inducing shaking fear. It's a big difference and, to be fair to you, if you don't suffer with it, it's very difficult to sympathise with.
I would agree that there are perhaps certain situations where just getting on with it my be possible and even helpful in some way. However I think the funeral of a loved one is a difficult enough event without the added crushing anxiety. You can honour a relative without actually carrying the coffin - all but 6 of the attendees will be doing the same after all.
Shadow - do what you think is best for you on the day.
Relatives acting as pall bearers is not a universal thing - every funeral (or rather cremation) that I've been to has the undertakers carrying the coffin, not the family.
Its a job that nobody would really want to do but out of a sign of respect you should be a pallbearer. Nothing bad will happen. And to think of lying to worm your way out of it is really tasteless.