I haven't spoken to my Mother for almost a year
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there's lots of history: see here: http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=1229738&highlight=
My middle sister recently reported that my youngest sister said that it is up to me apparently, to make amends...
I'm feeling quite down about it; not because I miss my Mother
( I don't miss the roller coaster of emotions one iota), but just the guilt. The guilt is eating me up. My Mother hasn't made any moves towards contact over the past 10 months and feels that my eldest daughter (who is 10) caused the problem (see link).... she told my middle sister that I am too soft and that my daughters are impolite and have no manners... bear in mind that she lives 250 miles away and saw them about 3 or 4 times a year (when we went up there or when I paid for her train ticket to come down here etc.) and it took her a couple of months to see my eldest (and her first)granddaughter and 9 months to see my youngest daughter. I think my girls are pretty normal behaviour wise and I remember being a less than perfect child myself, lol!
I've thought about writing a letter, but I know she would tear it apart- I just really really regret the absence of a warm, protectivbe, supportive Mother, like some of my friends have.
Isn't that what Mum's are supposed to be like?
Melissa
My middle sister recently reported that my youngest sister said that it is up to me apparently, to make amends...
I'm feeling quite down about it; not because I miss my Mother
( I don't miss the roller coaster of emotions one iota), but just the guilt. The guilt is eating me up. My Mother hasn't made any moves towards contact over the past 10 months and feels that my eldest daughter (who is 10) caused the problem (see link).... she told my middle sister that I am too soft and that my daughters are impolite and have no manners... bear in mind that she lives 250 miles away and saw them about 3 or 4 times a year (when we went up there or when I paid for her train ticket to come down here etc.) and it took her a couple of months to see my eldest (and her first)granddaughter and 9 months to see my youngest daughter. I think my girls are pretty normal behaviour wise and I remember being a less than perfect child myself, lol!
I've thought about writing a letter, but I know she would tear it apart- I just really really regret the absence of a warm, protectivbe, supportive Mother, like some of my friends have.
Isn't that what Mum's are supposed to be like?Melissa
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Your mum is obviously not ready to let the negativity go so why do you want to invite that back into your life?
Concentrate on being a great mother to your two daughters and forget your own horrible mother. You have nothing to feel guilty about - you defended your young children from their bitter, alcoholic grandmother.
my Mum sounds very different to yours, and you are a mother (I am not), so obviously your first responsibility is to your children.
By all means, make amends, but make sure that it is not going to negatively affect your kids in any way - perhaps you could arrange a meet with your Mum? Talk things over calmly and try to both get your points across. If things go OK then you can perhaps reintroduce the grandkids, and if not, then at least you have tried. I think, based on what you have said here, you would feel guilty if you did not try.
P.S. Had only read the post you linked to, but have now read your OP: "My Mother drives me insane-when to give up on a family member?"
I think it's clear your Mum has alcohol problems, but she should never, ever have the opportunity to take that out on a child.
If you are feeling guilty, then I go back to my suggestion of a meet between you and her only (or with your sister who understands your point of view, as a back-up) where you can try to explain that you love her, as she is your Mum, but that her behaviour is unacceptable. Can understand why you put up with her when it was just you, but totally comprehend why you drew the line when she started to affect your kids.
You have done your best. I hope your Mum does the same - but, if not, it is NOT your fault.
All the best.
I think you know deep down that your Mum is never going to be the kind of Mum you want or deserve and it's a pointless exercise making an effort with this woman who will never be a proper Mum to you.
I have the same problem, and while I have accepted the fact that she's never going to change, my brother and sister still grasp onto the hope that she'll one day act the way she should. The two of them are constantly let down and hurt, whereas I've 'toughed it out' and don't let it bother me anymore. I'm a happier person for it too.
I would give my right arm for a lovely caring Mum who dotes on her grand children and invites us round for Sunday Lunch, a Mum I can go shopping with or just have a cuppa and a chat. But it won't ever happen so all I can do is accept that and make the most of my own family now, and look forward to the day that I'm a Grandma and can fuss over my own grandkids.
You mention writing a letter. I'd say do it. Put everything in there that you want to, let it all out. Say all the things you want to say to your Mum. Just don't send it. Don't know how carthartic you'll find it, but it may help a little.
I've only read a little bit of your earlier "mother posts" but from the little I've read I think there are enough clues to lead me to believe you should get in touch, or at least make the attempt.
You can do it for your sisters who obviously want you to make the effort. Since they are in contact with your mother it's not impossible they are indirectly expressing her wishes that she cannot - for whatever reason - express directly herself.
The fact that you make multiple posts on the same subject suggests to me that you are pretty unhappy with the present state and ideally would wish to have at least a tolerable relationship with your mother. You may feel guilty that your children don't have a proper grandmother /grandchildren relationship.
Inside many overtly embittered older people is a much more sensitive, fragile, potentially nicer person and it is this hurt individual that your letter should target.
I don;t believe that at her age your mother will change her ways. There is no use in hoping against hope that she will. It is entirely natural to harbour a hope that she will suddenly appreciate you and your family and be a lovely gran, but it isn't likely. Your feelings of guilt are natural too - she's been playing with your and your sisters' heads all your life.
The fact is she is out of control and you cannot ensure that she will be fair to your children. I'd keep them away from her. If you feel guilty enough to contact her then do so if it eases your mind - but keep the children out of it.
Now I'm a mum myself it's given me a totally different perspective on her behaviour, you wouldn't dream of treating your girls like your mum treats you and you cant understand why any mother would behave that way towards her own children.
I felt incredible guilt and anger at first because I'd always run round after her and the one time I didn't she chose to finish our relationship, but now I'm of the opinion that I'm better off without her and my kids certainly are (and that's the key here for me). I still get angry and upset sometimes, who wouldn't after all but I'm happier for not being her pawn any more.
She moved house about a month ago and hasn't given me her new address, says it all really...but to be honest I (most of the time anyway) couldn't care less.
I see women out with their mothers and it makes me sad wondering what I've done to deserve not having that myself but it's just pot luck it seems as to what mother you're going to end up with!
PM me hun by all means x
Not all mums are like that.
Don't beat yourself up trying to create what you see is the ideal mother/daughter relationship as you will always be disappointed & frustrated.
Concentrate on being a good mum to your children.
You cannot control or change your mum's behaviour.
You either put up with it or walk away.
Sorry if that made no sense.
You've got to remember that you didn't break her, so it's not up to you to fix her. She is what she is and you are what you are. You don't need her approval so don't waste your energy & time seeking it
Hugs x