Situation with a girl
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Hopefully this rambling will make sense, so apologies before hand!
Basically we were friends for about two years, just casual at first and eventually ended up closer as you do. One day she messages me out of the blue, as we never really had before, and just opens up massively about things that have been going on with her (they're are pretty big things to trust me with for the friendship we had then even though we were close). Since then we messaged more and more and started spending all together at college (I'm 22, she's 18).
It carried on like this for awhile then I told her I liked her. Now she has a boyfriend, but he is abusive, constantly emotionally abusive and there have been times where he has been physically abusive to her. When I told her how I felt she more or less said she felt the same way and that I should wait for her and take everything as it comes if I wanted to. After that we were obviously closer still, spending all the time we could together and we message/text/ etc. 24/7. The only time we don't is when she's with her boyfriend (and when she's with him she'll text me telling me she misses me etc.) Nothing has ever happened between us, we've never kissed or slept together and never would with things how they are.
This was the situation for a few months and then we left college, so don't get to see each other that much because of the boyfriend and if he found out. We still talk non stop though. She has a LOT off stuff going on and been through so much. I am always there for her and I'm the only person she tells literally everything to. She was seeing the counsellor at college while we were there and then when we left that obviously suddenly stopped and she changed a lot. She was close to breaking up with her boyfriend and was so happy as a person but that suddenly changed. She's depressed and feeling so low it's drawing her back to her boyfriend and he has more of a hold over her than before. Sometimes she finds it hard to handle me being caring and trying to help her and is so hot and cold. Somedays she is really low and is off and distant with me, others everything is amazing and we're getting along amazing or she's telling me she misses me etc.
She's all I think about. She makes me so happy that I couldn't do without it but at times the whole thing makes me miserable as all I want is to be with her and make her happy but I don't see this ever happening now. I can't stop waiting for her though. I think we both need each other but maybe in different ways?
I don't know what to do, do I man up and just carry on with this and see where it all ends as I can't bear to leave her alone with everything. Or do I try and make a clean break from it for my own, selfish sake?
I've never cared for another person more and didn't think I ever could. I'm usually a very distant and self centred person. I don't think I could handle it too well if she suddenly lost interest altogether and cut me out.
I'm not sure why I posted this but I guess maybe I'm looking for advice or other peoples opinions of what they would do and on the whole thing. There is literally no one I know that I can talk to about this, so I thought why not share with the whole internet! haha.
Thank you for reading, especially if you made it this far! Hopefully it makes sense!
Basically we were friends for about two years, just casual at first and eventually ended up closer as you do. One day she messages me out of the blue, as we never really had before, and just opens up massively about things that have been going on with her (they're are pretty big things to trust me with for the friendship we had then even though we were close). Since then we messaged more and more and started spending all together at college (I'm 22, she's 18).
It carried on like this for awhile then I told her I liked her. Now she has a boyfriend, but he is abusive, constantly emotionally abusive and there have been times where he has been physically abusive to her. When I told her how I felt she more or less said she felt the same way and that I should wait for her and take everything as it comes if I wanted to. After that we were obviously closer still, spending all the time we could together and we message/text/ etc. 24/7. The only time we don't is when she's with her boyfriend (and when she's with him she'll text me telling me she misses me etc.) Nothing has ever happened between us, we've never kissed or slept together and never would with things how they are.
This was the situation for a few months and then we left college, so don't get to see each other that much because of the boyfriend and if he found out. We still talk non stop though. She has a LOT off stuff going on and been through so much. I am always there for her and I'm the only person she tells literally everything to. She was seeing the counsellor at college while we were there and then when we left that obviously suddenly stopped and she changed a lot. She was close to breaking up with her boyfriend and was so happy as a person but that suddenly changed. She's depressed and feeling so low it's drawing her back to her boyfriend and he has more of a hold over her than before. Sometimes she finds it hard to handle me being caring and trying to help her and is so hot and cold. Somedays she is really low and is off and distant with me, others everything is amazing and we're getting along amazing or she's telling me she misses me etc.
She's all I think about. She makes me so happy that I couldn't do without it but at times the whole thing makes me miserable as all I want is to be with her and make her happy but I don't see this ever happening now. I can't stop waiting for her though. I think we both need each other but maybe in different ways?
I don't know what to do, do I man up and just carry on with this and see where it all ends as I can't bear to leave her alone with everything. Or do I try and make a clean break from it for my own, selfish sake?
I've never cared for another person more and didn't think I ever could. I'm usually a very distant and self centred person. I don't think I could handle it too well if she suddenly lost interest altogether and cut me out.
I'm not sure why I posted this but I guess maybe I'm looking for advice or other peoples opinions of what they would do and on the whole thing. There is literally no one I know that I can talk to about this, so I thought why not share with the whole internet! haha.
Thank you for reading, especially if you made it this far! Hopefully it makes sense!
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Comments
I'd expect most replies will read like this ^ .
I've just noticed you said you told her how you feel and she said she felt the same but that you'd have to wait for her? I think this is very unfair of her and she cannot expect you to do this - in fact it sounds a bit manipulative. But if she is genuinely in an abusive relationship perhaps this is a more understandable response (I don't know, I've never been in one).
Either way I think you could end up heartbroken I'm afraid.
Indeed. Your best bet OP is to be there for her as a friend, especially in her current situation, as she'll likely need one, but you need to get on with your own life and go out and meet someone.
this^^^
just stay away from her and do not contact her....
ive just realised i have to do the same myself, be strong and good luck
I definitely can't make a clean break and just not contact her anymore, both for me and for her. Think I'll have to carry on and just try and be friends and want nothing more, I don't see any other choice and guess it'll happen over time?
If she really wanted to she would leave her abusive boyfriend and would already be your girlfriend.
If you can't step back and be there without the hope she will end up with you then you need to break it off totally.
IMO she's keeping you dangling as a safety net if she ends up alone.
ETA have you seen or heard the abuse? If not then just remember it could be a story she has come up with to keep you there.
What will happen over time?
If you mean you finding it easier to just see her as a friend it's possible, but it will hurt like hell in the meantime.
If you mean she will end up with you then no, I really don't think so. She has no excuse to not already have left this relationship especially if it's abusive. And to ask you to wait like that, with no end plan? No. Sorry to sound harsh but it won't.
You're being very naive. There is no chance that 'just being friends' is going to work for you in the long run because you've admitted you have strong non platonic feelings for her. She obviously isn't as great a friend as you think anyway as she knows how you feel about her, yet she still continues to effectively to toy with your feelings. All that is going to happen is that it will stop you meeting anyone else in the future and moving on. It's a really bad idea and if you can't see that, well then you have my sympathies.
4 months later this guy told me he was in love with me, I told him I liked him alot and broke his heart. We still saw each other but he wanted more than I was able at that time to give but I still wanted him there as my feel good guy - selfish I know.
Anyway 2 months after that I finally saw sense and decided I was done with my ex. Broke up with him and proceeded to walk into my happy relationship with this wonderful guy -except he didn't want a relationship anymore because I had broken his heart - something I hadn't given any thought to at all, I had been so selfish and basically used him to make me feel better when my ex was being an idiot ( pretty much daily) and I realised what a complete bitch I had been to him
We tried to have a relationship for a while but it didn't work out, he was hurting, I hadn't healed and it was a disaster from the beginning. However we took time away from each other, gave each other space, stayed friends but got on with our seperate lives and eventually we got back together a year later and have been together officially for 3 happy years .
My advice to you is to be real with yourself about how you feel, right now you are just her back up guy - sorry to be mean but its true, someone else said it as well. You make her feel better when her boyfriend is being a dick but she doesn't love you she loves him. She's saying wait for her because she wants the security of knowing you are there if not when IF she decides to finish with him and even then it will be when shes ready no amount of talking or advice or support from you will make her leave im any quicker.
I know it's hard but you need to stop being so available to her, you need to make her see that you are not there to be picked up and put down when she decides. You need to live your life, still remain friends but don't hold on for something that could take a long time to happen making yourself miserable in the process. Shes not thinking about how you feel right now shes only thinking about her needs and that really is not fair on you.
available, you need to let her kno
w that you're not there for her to pick up and drop when she.
we went for dinner, played golf, went to the fair and a decent fry up on the sunday....introduced me to her friends
planned another day out in the near future
since monday she has hardly said boo, de activated her fb...after i de activated mine...games, yes i know....
shes came back into my life, has gone again and my head is wrecked...totally....
i will never text her again
If you are happy with being her man on the subs' bench... well then, carry on as you are. Otherwise, up camp and move on.
And just a sidepoint - are you SURE that he is abusing her ? Is it possible she is just saying that so that you will hang around in potential hero mode to snatch her away from the bad man ? And are you sure you don't actually like the prospect of being potential said hero ? Just a thought is all.
Sorry bro.
and op shouldnt fall into it
walk away op,