Am I right to be upset?

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 216
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New DS-er here, hello to all!

I have been friends with a girl since we were 14 (we are now 27). Even when I moved to another town for Uni, we stayed in touch and stayed very close. I stayed in the town after I finished uni as I had just met my now husband, and I wanted to make things work with him. Despite the distance, me and my friend (in fact several friends from school) still stayed in touch and we saw each other often.

Last year, December 2006, I married my long term partner in a beautiful ceremony and I asked my friend to be chief bridesmaid, which she accepted.

I chose to get married in a hotel where I now live, which meant for a lot of family and friends, an hours journey for the wedding. The night before my wedding, i wanted to go out with my three bridesmaids for a quiet dinner to celebrate my last day as a 'single' girl, and I asked my friend, as a one off, to stay in the hotel with me. She clearly begrudged this, saying she hates paying money to stay in a 'room'. I felt terrible and offered to pay the bulk of it for her, from my own money, which she accepted.

That night, unbeknown to me, my friends had planned a surprise dessert after the meal & champayne, and we all made an effort to dress nice & do our hair etc....except for this friend, who made zero effort. Just before the surprise, my friend asked for the bill, to which my other two friends were trying to delay due to the dessert. I could see a lot of whispering and nudging going on, so I sensed the 'surprise'. Even so it was a nice thought, and maybe my friend just 'forgot'.

For our weding, we decided to ask for money as opposed to gifts, as we were hoping to buy our first home together. We were astonished at the genorisity of people and we managed to raise a fair bit. However, the ONLY person not to give anything, was my friend. Maybe I shouldn't be upset, maybe I am just being selfish, but I was really astonished. I didn't get a present, an explanation, nothing. I have never said anything to her, but it has always been at the back of mind.

Since my wedding, we have barely seen each other. We used to take in turns to visit each others towns, and although I went back 'home' several times to meet up with her and other friends, she has only managed two visits in 2007 (my birthday and house warming party).

I am feeling so hurt and let down, and I just don't know what to do or why our friendship seems to have broken down and I would appreciate some advice.

Thanks for reading xx

PS - she is single (well as far as I know!) and has been for a very long time, I don't know if that has anything to do with it.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 3,791
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    Funny enough my friend of 25years has literally lost contact with me since my wedding last year.

    Move on i'd say.
  • NathalieRNathalieR Posts: 16,004
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    Reading that, it does sound to me like she's p****d off with you for some reason! And has an issue with the money - maybe she was annoyed that you asked for money instead of gifts? I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for money instead but I do know some people that find it cheeky.
  • artnadaartnada Posts: 10,113
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    Talk to her about it. If she doesnt know your feelings then things won't change will they?

    As for the money thing, perhaps money is extremly tight for her?
  • butterworthbutterworth Posts: 17,872
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    I think that people just drift apart over time, and that's whats going to happen here.

    Sure, give her a call every six months or so to catch up, but I think you know that its never going to be like it was...
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 216
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    Maybe she was tight for money, but having no mortgage or commitments and holding down to jobs I find that hard to believe. We were in a bad financial position last year as my husband wasn't able to work for 6 months (due to the terms of his visa) and I was supporting us both on my salary. Plus we paid for his familt to fly out for the wedding. I also bought all three bridesmainds a nexlace and earings as a gift.

    I know it's easy to say 'move on' but as mates, we have been through a hell of a lot together. When her dad passed away, I was there for her and she says to this day I was brilliant. And she has always been there for me during my problems, and she's been great. Also we have a hell of a lot of mutual friends, and she is extremely popular, and I feel if I move on with her, I will lose a lot of other close friends.

    She is quite defensive, so talking to her about it seems quite daunting and I don;t know how I would approach it.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 216
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    God I can't spell today!
  • NathalieRNathalieR Posts: 16,004
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    Maybe she was tight for money, but having no mortgage or commitments and holding down to jobs I find that hard to believe. We were in a bad financial position last year as my husband wasn't able to work for 6 months (due to the terms of his visa) and I was supporting us both on my salary. Plus we paid for his familt to fly out for the wedding. I also bought all three bridesmainds a nexlace and earings as a gift.

    I know it's easy to say 'move on' but as mates, we have been through a hell of a lot together. When her dad passed away, I was there for her and she says to this day I was brilliant. And she has always been there for me during my problems, and she's been great. Also we have a hell of a lot of mutual friends, and she is extremely popular, and I feel if I move on with her, I will lose a lot of other close friends.

    She is quite defensive, so talking to her about it seems quite daunting and I don;t know how I would approach it.

    How about writing her an email if talking to her is not really an option and see what she says?

    Did you pay for all the bridesmaids dresses for wedding as well?

    From what you say she sounds like she has got the hump about something but what, I don't know.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 216
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    NathalieR wrote: »
    How about writing her an email if talking to her is not really an option and see what she says?

    Did you pay for all the bridesmaids dresses for wedding as well?

    From what you say she sounds like she has got the hump about something but what, I don't know.

    I could write her an email, but I think I would prefer to ask her face to face. Last time we saw each other in December, I said to her we must make a pact to see each other more in 2008. It's my birthday in a few weeks so she is coming down for that, and staying over mine so maybe I can get her alone for a bit and speak to her. But what would I say? Do I mention just about the wedding or her whole attitude? It seems silly mentioning something that happened a year ago, but it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Not only about the money, but her whole attitute.

    Yeah, we paid for the bridesmaid dresses. I couldn't afford to pay for their hair and make up so i asked them to do their own. The other two didnt mind, and my friend didn't seem to mind, so it can't be that I dont think.
  • NathalieRNathalieR Posts: 16,004
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    I could write her an email, but I think I would prefer to ask her face to face. Last time we saw each other in December, I said to her we must make a pact to see each other more in 2008. It's my birthday in a few weeks so she is coming down for that, and staying over mine so maybe I can get her alone for a bit and speak to her. But what would I say? Do I mention just about the wedding or her whole attitude? It seems silly mentioning something that happened a year ago, but it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Not only about the money, but her whole attitute.

    Yeah, we paid for the bridesmaid dresses. I couldn't afford to pay for their hair and make up so i asked them to do their own. The other two didnt mind, and my friend didn't seem to mind, so it can't be that I dont think.

    Thats nice, at least she is making an effort to come down to see you for your birthday.

    Its tough to know what to say, I guess its best to be honest, diplomatically, and see what she says. Say what you told us in the thread, just ask her maybe if you annoyed her about something last year to start with, she will probably say "no, why?" and take it from there...

    Good luck :-0
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 40
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    It sounds like she begrudges the wedding for some reason. Does she get on well with your husband? Could be a jealousy thing? The fact that she didnt give you any present appears that she isn't 'happy' with you getting married?

    However, these are just assumptions, so you'll have to discuss it with her. I would just say you have sensed something is wrong, and as you really value the friendship, ask her if something is bothering her.
  • NathalieRNathalieR Posts: 16,004
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    FlexDigi wrote: »
    It sounds like she begrudges the wedding for some reason. Does she get on well with your husband? Could be a jealousy thing? The fact that she didnt give you any present appears that she isn't 'happy' with you getting married?

    However, these are just assumptions, so you'll have to discuss it with her. I would just say you have sensed something is wrong, and as you really value the friendship, ask her if something is bothering her.

    Thats the impression I get. Maybe she feels that you put the other girls first over her, you know how jealous and irrational some women can get!

    But yes, ask her face to face then when you see her.
  • Chilli DragonChilli Dragon Posts: 24,684
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    It’s fine that you are upset and understandable. Don’t give up on her yet – ask her at least what is happening and maybe reassure her that you still want her as a close friend despite being married. She may just feel pushed out or there may be something else going on in her life that she feels she can’t share with you right now. Maybe she has genuine money worries which would account for her behaviour.
  • SystemSystem Posts: 2,096,970
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    I don't think her being single has much to do with it - it's more the fact that you're married.

    Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable visiting you unless it's a big occasion (like housewarming and your birthday). To be honest twice a year considering you're an hour or so away isn't so bad.

    Remember that when you come to your home town you probably have several friends / family to visit and/or stay. When she comes to you it's 100% you and she has to stay with you.

    Unless you were literally living in each others pockets every day before your marriage it sounds like she's still keeping in touch.

    All the stuff around the wedding could be a big misunderstanding - you obviously haven't talked to her about it. On the other hand she just may not like your husband. Does happen you know.

    It won't solve itself - you have to ask whats up when you get the chance.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 2,006
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    Since my older brother got married we have barely seen him and when we call him hes always busy with friends and stuff.
    I guess people move on. If your friend is single maybe shes jealous that you are all settled down now and she isnt?
  • merlinsmummerlinsmum Posts: 3,991
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    I would get her alone next time you meet and tell her that you've been worrying that something is not right between you. That will give her the opportunity to clear the air and hopefully resolve things.

    It happened to me when an aunt was going through a divorce and the fight over property got nasty so ended up in court. I was called as a witness to talk about her contribution and agreed to attend quite happily as she was in the right.
    I live over an hours drive from where she lives and the case was held in a city which was a 2 and a half hour drive for me. My OH took me on the day and when we arrived her new partner was keeping everyone away from her by blocking the door to the waiting room, saying she was too upset by the whole situation to talk. My OH made a light hearted comment about us arriving to help save the day and got a black look from the partner.
    I sat around all day and wasn't called. We returned home without talking to her as her partner was still acting like a bodyguard. I rang a few days later to see how things went and was told that I didn't need to ring and rub it in as she had lost! She hasn't spoken to me since except to say through the family that I know what I did :confused:

    That was 15 years ago and we had been extremely close when I was growing up as I lived in the same house and she is 10 years older.

    My point is that sometimes people get an idea in their heads of events that have happened which does not tally with your own experience. Unfortunately in my case I have no idea what I did wrong and never will, but if you value the friendship it's obvious she has a bee in her bonnet about something and you need to get it out in the open or it may fester.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 1,320
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    If you have mutual friends is there no way you could broach the subject with someone else?
  • IWantPVRIWantPVR Posts: 8,302
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    It's all clearly about money as I see it. Perhaps helping her out had the reverse of the desired aim. It's clearly all in the past and I think it makes sense to try to clear the air soon. At the very least, keep in touch for Xmas and Birthday type events to give her a chance to get past it without too much effort or face loss.
  • eunicelouise658eunicelouise658 Posts: 1,869
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    To the OP does your friend have issues with your OH. Was she fine until you decided to marry? Is she married herself? She may have been jealous of your big day. When my daughter married last year her best friend must have been the most sullen bridesmaid on the planet. All her sisters also bridesmaids were beaming and happy for their sister but her friend looked like she was sucking lemons in every photo.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 216
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    Thanks everyone for the replies and I will get through as many I can remember.

    When we announced our engagement, she sent a really weird text, like 'oh right, thats nice' rather than congratulations, which I just brushed off at the time (April 2004). And she was the only one of my close group of friends who didn't wish us happy anniversary a few weeks ago. So maybe it's a problem with my OH, which upsets me as he is SO nice to her. He always gives her hug when they see each other and makes the effort to speak to her.

    Me and my hubby did split up for 3 weeks over 4 years ago now due to various arguments etc etc and then got back together, and things have been great since. He grew up a lot in those few weeks and changed completely, and I can't say she was overly chuffed we got back together. However, I have broached her on this subject since, and she has said to me she was disappointed at the time, but it's my life and if I am happy so is she. She also admitted she could see he had now changed and what a great bloke he is now. Either she is lying or cant stand to see me happy with him.

    As for the single thing. the only reason I mentioned that, is because before I went away to uni and we were young 17 years olds, we both used to moan we were single and that we were gonna be left on the shelf etc (ridiculous looking back now). She has never really had what i call a serious boyfriend and I KNOW she wants one as she has confided in me about this. Neither myself of mu husband are the type who would be all over each other in front of other people and I never make her feel left out if he is around when she is. So it cant be that.

    I think I am gonna mention what one other poster said earlier about saying 'things haven't been right between for a while' and take it from there and see what she says....

    Thanks everyone so far xx
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 216
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    IronCat wrote: »
    If you have mutual friends is there no way you could broach the subject with someone else?

    I have thought very much about doing this, and have almost made a call to one of our mutual friends. The problem is, the one good friend I feel I can talk to about this who is a great listener, is engaged to her brother, and I don't want it to get really messy!!
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 216
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    NathalieR wrote: »
    Thats the impression I get. Maybe she feels that you put the other girls first over her, you know how jealous and irrational some women can get!

    But yes, ask her face to face then when you see her.

    If anything, I put my friend over the other two girls. After all she was head bridesmaid and I did pay for the hotel (two things the other two didn;t get). But the other two were so happy and excited for me, it was great.
  • sarahcssarahcs Posts: 8,734
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    What's the history of you and OH? How did you get together? Was she around when you were single? Did you all know each other in a big group?
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 216
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    sarahcs wrote: »
    What's the history of you and OH? How did you get together? Was she around when you were single? Did you all know each other in a big group?


    We met Nov 2001 through someone who I knew and my OH worked with. My friend had no part in this, it just happened if you know what I mean.

    I kinda have two sets of friends, school friends who I have known since forever, and my Uni friends who I have known since I was 18. I am lucky, that all my Uni friends are with long term partners, and all the lads get on really well and obiously all us girls do and we go on short breaks away and stuff. Maybe she doesnt like that, I dunno.

    She was around when I was single, as we both used to moan how we were gonna be left on the shelf and never meet anyway (when we for 17 for gods sake!).
  • Enfant TerribleEnfant Terrible Posts: 4,391
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    Hello cloudy-nines

    First of all a big congratulations to you! ;)

    Having read this thread, I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that this is a case of pure resentment.

    My so called best friend did this to me a few years ago, we were very close friends and pretty much told each other everything - until the day I met my boyfriend.

    Everything suddenly changed overnight, she started snapping at me for no reason, and whenever my boyfriend was around i would get reactions like "Is he here... AGAIN??"
    Quite embarrassing at times.

    She, like your friend, had been single for a very long time and wanted nothing more than have a partner, but it wasn't happening for her.

    Things got so bad that I had to freeze her out in the end, which wasnt something I particularly wanted to do, but she gave me little choice.

    I'd advise you to leave her alone for a bit...she'll eventually have to accept that you're a married woman now, and I think it's up to her to show you she's ok with that...
  • Gold CatGold Cat Posts: 93
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    I could write her an email, but I think I would prefer to ask her face to face. Last time we saw each other in December, I said to her we must make a pact to see each other more in 2008. It's my birthday in a few weeks so she is coming down for that, and staying over mine so maybe I can get her alone for a bit and speak to her. But what would I say? Do I mention just about the wedding or her whole attitude? It seems silly mentioning something that happened a year ago, but it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Not only about the money, but her whole attitute.

    Yeah, we paid for the bridesmaid dresses. I couldn't afford to pay for their hair and make up so i asked them to do their own. The other two didnt mind, and my friend didn't seem to mind, so it can't be that I dont think.

    She might have money troubles which she is embarrassed about so didn't want to mention the issue of a wedding present. That could have made her feel uncomfortable and seem grumpy. See how it goes with her and just see how she is with you. ;)
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