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my dad reacted badly to finding out i am gay
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i started a thread on here a while ago about being in the closet and i was advised to come out and not waste time, i told my friends and they were fine with it and my mum but when i told my dad he punched me in the face.. full on.
when i came back from uni the following day he had packed all my things and told me i wasnt welcome in the house anymore, my mum protested but my older and younger brother didnt say much. im now staying at my best mates house but i cant stay here forever, does anyone know what i should do next? any ways i can make my dad come around? urgent advice needed!
when i came back from uni the following day he had packed all my things and told me i wasnt welcome in the house anymore, my mum protested but my older and younger brother didnt say much. im now staying at my best mates house but i cant stay here forever, does anyone know what i should do next? any ways i can make my dad come around? urgent advice needed!
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I'm sorry I kow he is still your dad but you should not ever be made to feel like what you are is wrong.
Well done you for finding the courage to come out to your family even if you didn't get the reaction you were hoping for from your dad. All the best. xx.
Have you spoken to your mum since the incident? It might be his way of dealing with shock and he may be settling down a bit. I must admit I am surprised at her response. Had my ex done that to my son he would have been following out the door pretty sharpish until he came to his senses.
Its his reaction really out of character?, or can he be a bit 'strong' shall we say?
You are at Uni McKenzie....do you have any student support services or any help groups that you could speak to. Do you live in uni accommodation and if not could you.
The bottom line is that you cant change the situation you are in, only your Dad can. I still think you have done the right thing...you cant live a lie for the rest of your life and you have to keep telling yourself, it isnt you with the problem, its your dad.
...and edit...I could bloody well thump your dad :mad:
I wouldn't do this OP. It will just make things much worse.
I agree, the last thing the OP needs is more drama.
this is out of character for my dad, i knew he was homophobic and i guessed the reaction wouldn't have been good but he didn't even give me the chance to explain or anything, and i dont want to go back to the house just yet incase he is still angry
i do have a student loan which i am fine to live off for now but what if the situation doesn't change? it won't last forever and i dont want my mum to do anything behind his back incase it ruins them.
Anyway, moving forward. I would urge you to go to the local council and speak to them about accomodation. Tell them exactly what you have told us, and hopefully they will treat your case with some urgency, and get you a little flat, or at least give you advice on how to get one quickly.
Maybe once your dad see's that you can't change your mind about who you are he will accept it.... or he may never accept it (maybe thats some deep routed problems of his). Try not to let this affect you moving forward to your life, although I know deep down your heart must be breaking!
Take care and good luck
Lets hope its a stupid huge overreaction on his part and once he has had time to think about it he will regret what he has done. As for your mum, she is entitled to be in contact with you and if that ruins them, he is the cause not you so stop worrying about that. He cant ban your mum from seeing you and supporting you.
As for your situation, you need to talk to the people in the university.....I doubt you will be the first student who has run into family difficulties so they must have ways of dealing with what has happened. Please speak to the student support people and see what advice they can offer.
Your priority is to sort out your domestic situation or at least discover what is available to you.
McKenzie, if he has reacted the way he has now, he was always likely to. You have been incredibly brave and honest about your situation with your family. Your dad is in the wrong.
Why don't you contact your university's accomodation department? They might have an extra space in the halls of residence for you, which is usually much cheaper than renting (it certainly is for me), and many universities have housing available for second and third year students.. Otherwise, you could find a room to rent in student housing in the area, many people rent as a single person, it would mean sharing with people you don't know but there are usually more rooms than students nowadays, so you should find a place.
Good luck, and I truly congratulate you on your bravery.
Not only will he dig his heels in and refuse to acknowledge you now out of pride and stubbornness of what he believes, but as times moves on and years pass by, even if he starts to miss you and wish you back in his life, he will find it hard to approach you for fear of looking weak or being rejected by you like he did with you!
The fact that you took a blow to the face from someone who is meant to love you and protect you know matter what, and you still want him in your life and to put it behind you is a very brave and admirable thing to do and it is a credit to you that you have not grown to be as stubborn and unforgiving as he is. The fact your siblings refused to intervene or reacted very little is probably more of a sign of them feeling fear or oppression by this clearly dominant male that wants to rule the house and everyones lives.
The guy is a very bad influence to be around with both his violent actions and his views towards people and you have to consider whether it is best for the future that you do not climb back under his thumb and to his rule, but to move on from it and let it go, especially if you wish to have relationships with men in the future. It is going to be incredibly difficult to break down the barriers only to introduce him to your new boyfriend and risk your new boyfriend being beaten up by him and them contacting the police where you would not.
What you must not do is worry about splitting up your parents over it. This is not your fault and your mum should be prepared to stand up for herself when it comes to wanting to speak or be around her son.
Clearly she cannot spend time with you in her own home and it wouldnt be a good thing to allow that, but you should still keep in touch with her sending texts to ask if she is ok, how things are and stuff, just keep it friendly and like you still want her in your life, arranging to meet up for a coffee away from his domain once a week etc. It is important that he does not be allowed to control your relationships with your own mother like he is over your living arrangements.
As for what to do about living arrangements being thrown out of home, well i think that it is time you have to decide the best course of action for you. It is no use thinking about being welcomed back home as I strongly believe that could take many weeks at best, never at worst and I think that you are better off out of that home now and shouldnt think about returning.
Even if he "permitted" you to stay at home again, you would feel the tension, the negative atmosphere and strain on everyones relationships in the house could cause depression and it could end up making you or your family ill over it. It has nothing to do with you and definitely not your fault but you have to consider how it will feel for you and your family if you were to move in, not because you are gay, but because someone who owns that house hates the fact you are and will make living their unbearable!
So you need to get a good nights sleep and then wake up tomorrow and plan your life, you need a place to stay that is permanent and that might mean looking around for flat shares or student accommodation that you can rent, even if it is just a room, and if that is slightly out of your budget, then you need to consider that you may need to get a part time job quickly to be able to afford it as soon as possible.
It is ok saying that it might not be what you planned for Uni, or you might be allowed to go home soon, but i honestly think that you need to put your life in order now this has happened to you by quickly gaining your independence and getting your own place, even if its just a rented room, and keeping in close contact with your mum over it.
It is not fair on you, you have done nothing but be honest with yourself and to others and the whole situation sucks because of one pathetic man that has no idea how to look beyond his own out-dated views about how others feel. But the fact remains your old enough now to build your own life, live it how you want and to do that you need independence.
Best of luck
You might find that your uni can offer you some form of emergency accommodation under the circumstances. At the very least they will be able to advise you on what options you have.
you are right, you have nothing to explain and nothing could have made him react differently... you did nothing wrong and it is on him.
Whatever happens between them is also his doing and not your fault.
Stop worrying about that, they should be worrying about you.
I think you will get halls of residence if you see the uni counsellor.
I would call the Police and have your father charged so he knows what he has done is unacceptable behaviour.
I think that is a bit too harsh.
i think thug is a more appropriate word.
How is he mentally ill? That's a ridiculous assumption! Homophobia isn't a mental illness and you aren't out of your mind even if you punch someone! He's homophobic and violent.
Any extreme thinking is a mental illness from racism to homophobia even more so if violence is involved to erradicate such feelings.
Calling his behaviour a mental illness excuses his behaviour and does a disservice to those that do suffer from mental illness. Sadly he is placing his own misguided view above that of the needs of his son. Its incredibly sad.
No it's not at all. :rolleyes:
Oh don't be daft, you've just claimed that 90% of fathers pre-1960 were mentally ill.
There's nothing that shocking that a father who is confronted, out of the blue, that his son is gay would respond like that. It's not pleasant, it's distressing, but it's not shocking. Not many would in 2011, but not a significant minority would.
Maybe it's you who might be lacking empathy here.
It is extremely sad that people still think extremely and are not sure how to fix issues and instead allow the primal instinct to lash out. Fight or flight.
It is also horribly selfish of the father. I would love to get a pen and rewrite this event to a nicer ending with some narrative repair.
I write as a social psychologist. Any extreme behaviour is a sign of mental breakdown.
Sane individuals do not go around smacking people or objects when they are encounter news they do not like.
If they did, the world would nasty,brutal and short but we submit to the social contract and abide by the social consensus within and thus act decently.