Relationships :(
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Why are relationships so crap these days, I came out 4 years ago (although I don’t suppose it makes a difference gay or straight). I fell in love with this bloke who appeared everything I needed, spent 3 years together before the doubts kicked in that he was cheating, lasted another year before it destroyed me and I left. I then spent 9 months finding myself again, my ex hadn’t been affectionate in the slightest (neither had my wife for 18 years) so when I met this American bloke I quickly fell for him, he was so affectionate and loving, complimented me all the time, said such lovely things, it was long distance but I was determined to try and make it work, spent 3 months chatting and skyping and he came to the UK to visit for a week and it was amazing, he was everything my previous partners were not, had a fantastic time and it was upsetting when he left to fly home, didn’t appear to bother him though……
I spent the next week carrying on as before until one night he came down on me like a ton of bricks, said I was pushing too hard to make a connection and it was suffocating and that I needed to chill out or he was gone, he also said we were not in a ‘relationship’ and were just ‘casually dating’. I did this and we carried on, booked a trip to the states for me 9 weeks later, now the next 9 weeks he was a different bloke, hardly spoke unless I said hello first and our constant chats dried up and there was no Skype, I presumed this was him taking his ‘foot off the gas’ as he indicated he was being careful with ‘affairs of the heart’ after several disastrous dates in the past two years.
I went to the states and everything seemed back to normal, he was the same fun, affectionate bloke, we drove thousands of miles during the trip and he held my hand, told me I was ‘awesome’ and cuddled etc cough cough in bed. Now I should have known, he spent the whole two weeks constantly on the gay dating apps, I know he’s a flirt and it was not sexual but it was slightly annoying and rude to say the least. On the second to last night when I tried to cuddle him in bed I was pushed away to the tune of ‘Jeez I feel like I’ve spent the last ten days fighting you off with a stick to stop you being intimate with me’, I was gobsmacked, we went to sleep and chatted briefly in the morning and he said ‘there was no connection’ between us and it wasn’t working for him yet that same night before I flew home he kissed and cuddled me in bed?
I flew home (ten days ago) and he hardly speaks now, we did have a chat a few days ago where he stated I had been needy and clingy and suffocated him, every minute of every day I wanted to be close to him, eat, drink, swim, cuddle with him and he couldn’t breathe? Last time I checked I had flown 5000 miles to be with HIM? He also insisted that I knew he wasn’t interested but had pushed for sex against his wishes? He is 6ft 5, 26 stone and 44 years old? I’m half his size, against his wishes ?? He was also angry that I suggested I had feelings for him, how could I he said? We only ‘hung out’ a few times and it hadn’t worked. He told me not to be one of these ‘gays’ who falls in love with the idea of being in love regardless of who I am with!
He wants to remain friends and needed a few days to cool down but since then he he’s hardly spoken and I don’t think he will. Just find it hard to switch my feelings off, ten days ago we were sat having lunch together laughing and smiling and I can’t get him out of my head. I must be mad !!!!
I spent the next week carrying on as before until one night he came down on me like a ton of bricks, said I was pushing too hard to make a connection and it was suffocating and that I needed to chill out or he was gone, he also said we were not in a ‘relationship’ and were just ‘casually dating’. I did this and we carried on, booked a trip to the states for me 9 weeks later, now the next 9 weeks he was a different bloke, hardly spoke unless I said hello first and our constant chats dried up and there was no Skype, I presumed this was him taking his ‘foot off the gas’ as he indicated he was being careful with ‘affairs of the heart’ after several disastrous dates in the past two years.
I went to the states and everything seemed back to normal, he was the same fun, affectionate bloke, we drove thousands of miles during the trip and he held my hand, told me I was ‘awesome’ and cuddled etc cough cough in bed. Now I should have known, he spent the whole two weeks constantly on the gay dating apps, I know he’s a flirt and it was not sexual but it was slightly annoying and rude to say the least. On the second to last night when I tried to cuddle him in bed I was pushed away to the tune of ‘Jeez I feel like I’ve spent the last ten days fighting you off with a stick to stop you being intimate with me’, I was gobsmacked, we went to sleep and chatted briefly in the morning and he said ‘there was no connection’ between us and it wasn’t working for him yet that same night before I flew home he kissed and cuddled me in bed?
I flew home (ten days ago) and he hardly speaks now, we did have a chat a few days ago where he stated I had been needy and clingy and suffocated him, every minute of every day I wanted to be close to him, eat, drink, swim, cuddle with him and he couldn’t breathe? Last time I checked I had flown 5000 miles to be with HIM? He also insisted that I knew he wasn’t interested but had pushed for sex against his wishes? He is 6ft 5, 26 stone and 44 years old? I’m half his size, against his wishes ?? He was also angry that I suggested I had feelings for him, how could I he said? We only ‘hung out’ a few times and it hadn’t worked. He told me not to be one of these ‘gays’ who falls in love with the idea of being in love regardless of who I am with!
He wants to remain friends and needed a few days to cool down but since then he he’s hardly spoken and I don’t think he will. Just find it hard to switch my feelings off, ten days ago we were sat having lunch together laughing and smiling and I can’t get him out of my head. I must be mad !!!!
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Comments
You briefly mention 'coming out' with an abstract comment regarding a lack of affection from your *wife* for 18 years.
And your opening question is "Why are relationships so crap these days..?"..before going into a prolonged rant about that which 'troubles' you in the here and now.
The English Dictionary could use this post to redefine the entry for the word Irony
I see what you are saying but I was firmly in the closet and I actually had a brilliant relationship with my wife, I loved her to bits and still do, I was the one who showed affection though, she had a weird upbringing and struggled to do the same.
Also agree with this and he almost said the same thing to me as you say here, it was more intense being long distance and maybe I handled it all wrong, doesn't explain why he continued to be affectionate and intimate though when he had NO feelings?
The daft thing was we spent time in Vegas and he is a gambler, I would have loved to have gone off to the pool on my own but I felt guilty leaving him ! We did bugger off to different areas of the casino though, not like I was stood at his side?
I tried that and he just said I am making way too much out of this and we only 'hung out', get over it etc
He sounds like he enjoys playing games... maybe just dont talk to him for a while and see if he bothers to contact you? If he doesnt, you kow he's not worth it?
Yeah that's the plan although I know the answer, he won't contact me now, such a shame as I thought we got on so well, never going to be easy though living 5000 miles apart
Edit: (in before Billy_Value) This should be in Advice.
Please realise, I'm not attacking you..and be it gay, bi, hetro, TS..is of no consequence. The fact is though, by your own admission, you were 'firmly in the closet.' That is NOT an attack on you either..I mention it..well because you just said it, in conjunction with your question as to ' Why are relationships so crap these days...
Your ex wife arguably would have a better case for posting such a thread..in light of what you've disclosed. Generally shit relationships are the result of shit decisions, predicaments or commitments that may have been forged early on.
There's no mystic crystal which can foretell any relationship at it's inception. People get together, because things seem/feel good and a plethora of variables then come into play.
Reducing heartache (not eliminating), is possible..*IF* willing to be up front from the get-go with someone. Honesty, expectations, boundaries and foibles are amongst the key things to look at/address first with someone you think you are getting close to.
I don't mean 'sit them down and dictate your needs/hopes'...rather seek to feel your partner out in a relaxed way, from the get-go, and to be similarly open from the outset. That doesn't mean a heavy session of sit-down edicts one night - most anyone would run for the hills if done that way..!!
That said, just an ad-hoc, here and there conversation at suitable moments, is something worth considering - both ways - so as to get a little insight as to what the other is seeking, and how that compares to your own hopes.
Shitty relationship flag beacon(s) - when the other becomes evasive, misdirects, gets angry..and so forth...moments when you try and discuss such things. It doesn't mean they are 'bad' or anything, more likely that they either don't know themselves..OR...just live in the moment, and any firm commitment is something they are not interested in..or scared of.
I meant no disrespect to your wife..or indeed your love for her. Love doesn't have a secret combination code - which is why you have to make the effort(s) alluded to, whenever you get close to someone...and then just hope for the best - like the rest of us..!!
Thanks, I take your points and they are very eloquently put. I thought (this bloke and I) that we had discussed such things, early on we discussed previous relationships, why they failed, what we wanted going forward, I thought we were on the same page but I agree, there is no magic formula here, it could be as simple as he changed his mind, saying this he appeared to have a very long string of stories about ex dating mishaps very similar to mine and he did warn me early on that in the last couple he gave the other bloke exactly what they wanted early on then decided they weren't for him and dropped them, he didn't want to do the same to me and hurt me that way.....hmmmm oh well onwards and upwards....