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How can you help a child stop
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being a victim? I have a lovely 10 year old boy, he's very intelligent and kind hearted. However he is very prone to tears, he often comes out of school upset because someone has picked on him, or he's had a bad day. He says that everyone hates him (which isn't true, he often has friends back for tea).
He wants to change schools. I have tried to explain that children will be mean wherever he goes and he needs to change how he re-acts. He always looks on the negative side of things.
He's upset, and so it upsets me. I am worried that when he moves up to secondary school he won't be able to cope. I think he needs to "toughen up" a bit, but I don't know how to help him to do it. I have already spoken to his teacher who has said that his emotional development is behind what they would expect at his age. I guess it must be something to do with my parenting skills. How can I boost his confidence and help him be more positive?
He wants to change schools. I have tried to explain that children will be mean wherever he goes and he needs to change how he re-acts. He always looks on the negative side of things.
He's upset, and so it upsets me. I am worried that when he moves up to secondary school he won't be able to cope. I think he needs to "toughen up" a bit, but I don't know how to help him to do it. I have already spoken to his teacher who has said that his emotional development is behind what they would expect at his age. I guess it must be something to do with my parenting skills. How can I boost his confidence and help him be more positive?
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He won't, anything where he's got to do anything in front of other people frightens the life out of him!
He plays hockey after school, but he thinks that others won't pass him the ball on purpose because he's rubbish. I must admit that he isn't gifted athletically (I'm putting it kindly), he quite akward and ungainly. I don't know whether its a good thing to keep making him play because it seems to re-enforce his feelings of inadequacy.
Thanks, will do.
I think you're doing the right thing though by telling him that this is something he has to deal with himself (well, obviously with a lot of support from you!) because he will come up against this time and time again throughout his life.
Maybe you could encourage him to have a chat with a favourite teacher if there is a particular child who is picking on him - not only will the teacher be able to look at it objectively and sort it out if it is a problem, but he'll also feel more confident because he's dealt with it himself.
Good luck
The school should be supporting him, if they have recognised a problem, then they should have ways to help and encourage him.
So do I,I live with it everyday and everything that was written by the OP describes me,so I know I have more authority on the subject than you do.
Oh for goodness sakes, if he's clumsy that means he's clumsy not dyspraxic :rolleyes:
According to this link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyspraxia the profiles of dyspraxia are as follows:
Bearing only zero resemblance to what was posted:
:rolleyes:
Thus - why people train! Each time you train you reduce the chance of you missing a catch, or kicking off-target.
With regards to hockey - tell him to keep at it, practice ball-skills when he's at home, run small drills to up his balance (2x4 on a couple of bricks should do the trick)
He may be slightly clumsy, but that doesn't mean he's dyspraxic.
With regards to the sensitivity, he may well just be a sensitive lad. I've always been that way, but you grow out of the tearful stage and turn into an amazing listener, and a very good emotional speaker. Just give it time, tell him to ignore people who are being mean/whatever, and to throw something back their way, and to take everything with a pinch of salt. At that age everyone is scuffling to get to the top of the playground, and it'll be the same next year. Afterwards when everybody's found "their place", then it'll be a lot easier.
I'd also suggest maybe getting him involved in Rugby. It'd be a good place for him to make strong bonds with people that will last a long time, it'll toughen him up in the physical sense (which will help him face any trouble-makers!), and will serve him well for the rest of his young life.
Finally - it is NOTHING to do with your skills as a parent. I admire you for having the courage to ask for help! You must truly care for your son, and it shows in the effort you want to put into making his life better.
I will get him involved in something "arty" I think because that would be therapeutic as well. I don't know why I didn't think of it!
I think I need to look at how me and my husband parent him, I want to help him but I don't know how.
As regards the sport thing, I would advise him to give hockey up to be honest. He is entirely correct if he says kids won't pass him the ball because he's rubbish, I only used to pass to the good kids, in fact it was often just me and two other kids actually playing in PE half the time because the other 2 or 3 on our team couldn't hit a ball. Sad for them but thats how it goes I'm afraid.
I only play sports I'm good at, (golf, cricket and badminton, with the odd bit of tennis) but could never do rugby so gave that up, same with some martial arty thing.
Tell him to find something he is good at, doesn't have to be a sport (my mate is totally crap at sports, but he can build computers and program like no one I have ever seen!) it will improve his self esteem no end, and try and make it a group activity if you can. Try and find what his friends are into and see if you can get him to tag along. Karting may be a good thing, or Table Tennis, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, neither require you to be massively athletic.
Good luck, I hope it goes well.
Does he have a good male role model to do all these things(I'm presuming you are the mum)?
can i say, that you could have given it a better title, i thought you were talking about him smoking.
I tell him I love him lots of times everyday. I can't remember the last time he did anything naughty (which also concerns me slightly because he's too eager to please). We are very close, sometimes he says exactly what I'm thinking.
I'm going to ring his school tomorrow and make an appointment to see the Headmaster. He knows my son quite well, and he has obviously had lots of experience with children(!) so perhaps he can give me some advice too.
I must thank you all for your kind and helpful comments. I have read them all and been really touched that people can be bothered to reply and say nice things as well. I have been a bit wound up and worried about my son, and I feel a lot better about it now.
I know he's quite young but I wondered if he could also be starting his stretch, just by the way you described his awkwardness. May be due *the talk*.
What excites or stimlulates him in the house? Cartoons, games, comics, films, music? Have a think and see if there are summer activites nearby that include his hobbies. I would've rather died than stand on a stage but my wee bro loved his drama club. I prefered painting the scenery. Still got to be involved and mix with people I wouldn't normally of met.
You sound like a great mum given how concerned you are about him. I hope things work out for the little guy!
My ten-year-old daughter was very like your son, emotionally. It was so hard to see her getting upset over the most trivial comments from her classmates, although at the time, what seemed trivial to me obviously wasn't to her. We (mainly my husband) started to engage her in a bit of banter at home, gentle teasing with witty retorts etc. I must confess it does drive me nuts sometimes, but a couple of years down the line we enjoy a lot of laughter in our house, and she can now give as good as she gets, and is much more confident in dealing with both trivial, and sometimes quite nasty, comments from people at school.
Although it is a form of toughening up, it's toughening up in a funny way.
And don't automatically blame yourself! Mothers always think everything is their fault... I know I do. but sometimes things happen that you aren't responsible for. And you love him and care about him. He is very lucky.