Unrequited Love

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 3,942
Forum Member
✭✭✭
This is so hard, I have fallen head over heels for a bloke, he's about 4 years older than me and my perfect man, the problem is he's dating another bloke at the moment and has been for about 5 months now, he classes their relationship as 'complicated' and has told others they are just having fun and he's not marriage material etc, the bloke is 20 years younger than him too.

Now over the past 3 months I have grown close to them both, spend a lot of time with them, staying at this blokes house, meals out, theatre etc, we are all off to Dublin in March (with several others) but I am finding it so hard as I love him yet know I can't be with him, I don't want to tell him as I don't want to ruin our friendship either or hurt the other guy (who incidentally is known to cheat, he was kissing other blokes recently when his partner was away).

Anyone else been in a situation like this? I have no idea if he even fancies me anyway, he thinks I am a lovely guy although I know he likes 'bigger' blokes (his current boyfriend is my size though). I've tried gentle flirting and compliments but he usually then mentions his BF at some point which is a bad sign?

Comments

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 16,986
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    spendleb wrote: »
    I've tried gentle flirting and compliments but he usually then mentions his BF at some point which is a bad sign?

    Yes it is. Stop staying over at his place and torturing yourself. It's ridiculous.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 3,942
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    I know I keep hoping I can work through my feelings and become a good friend instead, be there for him, we have both had similar knock backs in our last relationships. We also run a social group together so no real getting away with avoiding him.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 6,924
    Forum Member
    He is trying to tell you tactfully that he really isn't interested. As Yeah says time to stop staying over etc.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 16,986
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    I didn't say avoid him. I said stop staying at his.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 3,942
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    I didn't say avoid him. I said stop staying at his.

    It's not that often, just when we have big nights out and stuff, maybe I am just focusing my attention on him as I've just come out of a long term relationship myself and my feelings are confused. I'll be OK, just need to refocus.
  • JasonJason Posts: 76,557
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    It's likely you think he's your perfect man, but it's most likely because he's unavailable. And the fact that he keeps mentioning his boyfriend when you try to flirt with him means he's likely fully aware of how you feel but he's trying to let you down gently.

    And anyway, if you did ultimately get together, what are you going to do if you find out he's got all sorts of horrible habits ?

    What if he's a farter ? ;)

    Seriously though, the best thing you can do is withdraw slightly and try and expand your social circle to see if you can meet someone else. Hanging on to the hope that he'll split up with his boyfriend and you'll come swooping in to save him really isn't going to do you any favours and will most likely mean you're going to be miserable for a long time.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 3,942
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    It's likely you think he's your perfect man, but it's most likely because he's unavailable. And the fact that he keeps mentioning his boyfriend when you try to flirt with him means he's likely fully aware of how you feel but he's trying to let you down gently.

    And anyway, if you did ultimately get together, what are you going to do if you find out he's got all sorts of horrible habits ?

    What if he's a farter ? ;)

    Seriously though, the best thing you can do is withdraw slightly and try and expand your social circle to see if you can meet someone else. Hanging on to the hope that he'll split up with his boyfriend and you'll come swooping in to save him really isn't going to do you any favours and will most likely mean you're going to be miserable for a long time.

    In a nutshell I think, good advice x
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 16,986
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    spendleb wrote: »
    It's not that often, just when we have big nights out and stuff, maybe I am just focusing my attention on him as I've just come out of a long term relationship myself and my feelings are confused. I'll be OK, just need to refocus.

    Yes you do. Look after yourself and stop fuelling your infatuation with stop overs. It's not healthy for anyone or any of those relationships aforementioned. Look no further than JWs advice.
  • deadbeat herodeadbeat hero Posts: 739
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    spendleb wrote: »
    Anyone else been in a situation like this?

    Yes, I'm sure nearly everyone has been in a situation like this, and I'm sure we all have the same advice. Jason Watkins has pretty much said what everyone else will say so no need for me to add anything. Take his advice.
  • marc822marc822 Posts: 3,118
    Forum Member
    ✭✭✭
    I tried but i couldnt stop the feelings and i became jealous and depressed. trying to be a friend is actually real hard. In the end walked away, couldnt deal with it anymore and was never going to happen so had to stop torturing myself sooner rather than later. glad i did, still miss him more than anything, especailly as you know they are the one for you, but knowing they dont feel the same is hard. you cant make them fall in love with you, tried doing all the being there for them, but no - definately doesnt work, so had to make a choice in the end. - But maybe i should have told them and been more honest from the start, guess all situations are different, but no movie ending for me. lol
  • jeff_vaderjeff_vader Posts: 938
    Forum Member
    ✭✭
    I've been in both situations, as I guess many of us have. Unrequited (for new friend), but realised it wasn't to be and thus walked away. Unrequited (for old friend), but told them, and we ended up having relationship, though it ruined friendship. Hmmm. Can go either way. But I think advice offered already is best.
Sign In or Register to comment.