Moving in together when he hasn't said he loves me?
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Last weekend my boyfriend asked me to move in with him in a few months (when I'm able to quit my job). This would involve me leaving my friends and family and moving to the country because he doesn't want to leave his job.
Trouble is, he still hasn't said he loves me. I've not had a chance to talk to him properly since he said it, and I'm just not sure what to do - I'm worried he might be getting ahead of himself and just thinking about how long distance is crap and not thinking through what living together will mean. Any advice on what I should say to him etc without hurting him or making him think I don't want to live with him?
Trouble is, he still hasn't said he loves me. I've not had a chance to talk to him properly since he said it, and I'm just not sure what to do - I'm worried he might be getting ahead of himself and just thinking about how long distance is crap and not thinking through what living together will mean. Any advice on what I should say to him etc without hurting him or making him think I don't want to live with him?
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Sounds like you have some issues talking. You need to sit down and do more talking before you move in together and move forward in your relationship.
What might be an idea is between now and then, suggest to him that you both take turns coming to stay with each other for a few days at a time - even up to a week - obviously if circumstances allow.
You can say to him that you want to be absolutely sure you're making the right decision - you could even soften the blow somewhat and tell him you want to make sure he's not a farter
Failing that, you need to sit down and talk it out with him really. Don't jump in and make the move without being absolutely sure because from a strictly practical sense, if you move in with him and it breaks down after a few months, you might find you're in a position where you're stuck where you are because you can't afford to move back again.
You can re-assure him that you want things to move forward, but that you just want to be certain you're not moving too fast.
I don't mind too much about the uprooting - he loves his job, I hate mine and want to quit asap so it's only fair - but I've always hated the idea of living in the country. If this relationship will work he is so worth my boredom of not living in a busy city (I'd probably want him to try and find a new job somewhere better for both of us after a little while), but it's a big change for me to make...
Before you move have a very detailed chat and particularly ask him if after a while he'd be willing to move. My ex got me to move countries and move to a shitty part of the UK for him, on the understanding that he'd be willing to move eventually. Except he wasn't. It didn't work and I moved away. I'd hate to live in the country myself, but then again you can hang yourself by your own rules sometimes. The countryside in the UK isn't that cut off, it's much worse in Ireland where the majority of the rural countryside has zero public transport and infrastructure is poor.
It's not a big change - it's a massive change, especially since you don't even seem sure that it's going to work. 6 months together is no time at all, and even moreso in your situation as you only see each other most weekends. It's a world apart from going from that to living together full time. It's like jumping out of a window and keeping your fingers crossed that someone has remembered to put a crash mat underneath your window.
You need to put the job stuff aside as it's really only a minor part of the equation.
I think you need to talk things through with him and try to get to the bottom of why he wants you to move. You find in similar situations that the men just want their other half "in-house" because of no more reason than it means he doesn't have to wait until the weekend for sex. That's why I think a trial run would be a good idea as you'll get to see what each other is like, warts and all.
You also need to be careful he doesn't turn round and say he loves you as an afterthought because he thinks he'll get what he wants by saying it.
I'm not saying don't take a chance but talk it through first - talking is always good
So no, don't move there, not because he's not said he loves you, but because you are only considering it because you want to hold onto him and desperately MAKE him love you.
I've just read the OP's other thread about, I assume, the same guy and I must agree that with that new information, it's a very, very bad idea to move in with him - especially when the OP says this in the other thread ..
cookiemonster, as bazaar has said, you can't make someone love you. Obviously I appreciate we're a few months down the road from that thread but if he still hasn't said he loves you then it should be telling you something.
To be honest, it sounds more like you're infatuated with him rather than in love with him, but either way, you really need to talk things out with him because this could all end up going very wrong.
It also sounds like you have real issues with him not telling you that he loves you yet. Do you still think that he doesn't love you? Because if you do, moving in with him is only going to make you feel like crap. Don't do it. If he asks why, just say you feel it would be moving too fast, especially as you're having to leave your family behind. As you've only been together 6 months I don't think that's unreasonable at all.
But the point is - women are better at discerning emotions so, if he loves you, you'll already know it.
Life can be good that way.
Not all women or men say I love you but they do love you by the way.
I am a bit old school and would not even want to move in with anyone and give up my home life and job and friends after only knowing someone 6 months, but that is me.
Give it some more thought.
To be honest, if you are asking on here I think you know what you should do.
What will you do all day in the country? It may not be easy to find a job locally. If you are studying (something like an OU degree) it could work out for you or if you are able to work from home.
You will end up feeling very lonely and cut off from people unless you have a plan in place regarding what you will be doing all day. Believe me keeping house and making the dinner will not be very fulfilling after a while. Plus he could end up resenting having to pay for everything if you have no income.
If you're giving up your job, can he afford to support you both? If you need to work, what are the job prospects like? Could you easily get back into something, if the main industries such as here in South West Scotland are tourism and agriculture?
When you say country, is it a village with a bus route? Regular pick-ups or three times a day? Or is a hill farm ten miles from town, where it's realistic that you have to be able to drive? Believe me, the 4 months of cabin fever stuck in an isolated place, entirely reliant on your other half for transport is very hard, and it would be harder still if your fella was working 9-5 5 days a week. If/when you do decide to go for driving lessons, can you get to them, or are you near enough for an instructor to drive to your door?
An escape plan - if things turn sour, can you get out of it easily?
Finally, maybe it's how it's come across rather than the intention, but he seems a bit of a control freak. I want you to do this, I want you to do that, while having a general apathy about your concerns and feelings, judging by your previous thread. This is you doing all the running around, while nothing really changes in his little world bar having someone to be like his mum and look after him and the house. He still has his friends, his family, his own money. Please, please don't fall into the trap where you are completely isolated from everyone you know, just to suit his whims.
If you end up doing it - and I'm guessing you will ("Nobody understands him like I do...") - then do at least one positive thing to help yourself and learn to drive.
BIB - with respect you don't actually know what rural boredom is. We moved to SW France in 2007 as an already happily married couple, leaving friends, family, everything familiar that we took for granted (you know like shops being open at lunchtime and sundays, everything on your doorstep) My husband was working full time and I was here, home alone, with only 1 friend and it was hard. Without a car I think I could have been depressed. I had to make an effort to make friends, I don't mind telling you that at one point I resented the fact that my husband loved his job and my only outing each week apart from a food shop was a French class. I hated (even as a married couple) not earning my own money, I hated playing the little wife full-time, and I was homesick for the life I had left behind.
As it stands today, things have worked out wonderfully, I have a lot of friends, work from home a couple of afternoons each week, am on the equivalent of the "Parish Council" but when things were bad, they were awful.
I would encourage you to talk to him about all your concerns, in terms of socialising at the weekends, will you be expected to do this with his friends and family ? What if you don't like them or they don't like you ? I accept you don't like your job, but at least you are out and seeing other people earning your own money to spend how you see fit, for your hair, new clothes, facials etc. How is he going to feel about funding these things ? Other posters have raised excellent points, it looks to me like he's giving up nothing and expecting you to slot into his life.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck.
Love is just a 4 letter word, SOME men will use it to get what they want. I can honestly say my children are the only people I love ... men have always let me down and continue to do so ..