Funny, I always say thank you myself but never really expect it when I give gifts. Partially because I get a little embarrassed when people thank me after I give them gifts (I am a bit socially awkward). I just enjoy the process of buying the present and giving it, a thank you is nice but not necessary for my satisfaction so I've never really stopped to consider if it was impolite not to receive a thank you note.
Doesn't that enjoyment dissipate somewhat when there is a lack of feedback? Surely part of the process of buying and giving the present is trying to determine what the person would like, thinking about how it can be realistically achieved within ones budget, and trying to imagine how delighted they will be both when they open it and when it is used.
The lack of a thankyou (in whatever format) leaves one wondering whether the answers to previous questions have been so misunderstood that you haven't purchased something that they will really like but instead bought something really boring or "yesterday's news". Or in the case of posted presents left to wonder whether it was even received, nevermind appreciated.
I always make an effort to be seen to be enjoying gifts that I have been given and do find it rewarding when a recipient does the same for me. In addition to the original thankyou, it is just another way of expressing ones appreciation for all that goes into choosing a gift for someone and as so many have said it is learned from an early age.
My three year old niece slightly dampened the Xmas mood at my sister in law's parents by having a tantrum that she didn't want to be given any presents and saying how she apparently doesn't like her Grandfather! My brother said it was very embarrasing to see her play up like that which I can understand and I know both he and his wife would have done the best there and then to nip it in the bud.
My niece is now getting to an age where she is pushing things and I reckon some discipline needs to be implemented by her parents and extended family. She has sometimes shouted back at me or tried to stop me from coming through a door which I don't find acceptable. As I said, it's not currently being dealt with sufficiently. My Mum's attitude is that "she needs to start school" - apparently they will teach her everything:rolleyes:
My Great Aunt (bless her) used to wrap up a present of thank you notes for me and my sister so we kind of got used to it at a young age.
What I was more annoyed about was when my youngest started going to Birthday Parties and giving presents but never received a TY Note (they did sometimes) when I had mine write one out to everyone after their party!
There's a nice little cartoon in the Christmas Private Eye 'Yobs' strip by Tony Husband.
Small boy dashes into room.
Small boy hurriedly opens presents beneath the tree.
Small boy looks up at mum and dad: "Huh... what shit presents!'
Did you see the video the other day of the little boy who last year got books as a present at Christmas? It's here. He opened the present & said "Books, at Christmas? What the heck is that?" My parents would have been embarrassed at me being so openly unappreciative. If I was the person who'd given the gift, I think I'd feel quite hurt by his response & also by the adults laughing & thinking it appropriate to put a video online of him scorning my gift.
If you are expecting thanks, you are setting yourself up for major disappointment. Those posters annoyed
If we went by what you said, no-one needs to show manners to other people. If I hold the door open for someone, give up my seat on public transport, help someone to lift their buggy onto/off the bus - no need for them to say thanks because I chose to do it. If I see someone short of 10p for their bus fare & give them the few pence to allow them to travel, they don't need to say thanks because I chose to do it & they didn't ask for my help. Whenever someone does something for other people without being asked to, it's always a gift - it's a gift of their time, sometimes also of their energy & money. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be acknowledged, & if someone repeatedly felt there was no need to acknowledge it, I wouldn't blame anyone for deciding to stop being so giving towards them.
I think it's also important to remember that not showing gratitude does not mean you are not grateful.
I agree that people don't have to vocalise it or write it down. I know a woman who's not the sort to verbally thank people she knows, but she'll do something for them in return. That's her way of showing appreciation to them. Yet she'll always say "thank you" (not "ta" or "thanks") to a stranger or neighbour who assists her in some way. My Dad wasn't a demonstrative person at all, so he'd never thank us children or my Mum (I bet she's not had more than a handful of thank yous in 50+ years of marriage), but he'd always thank strangers or people who weren't close family. Mum & I have over the years got him to understand that you can't keep allowing/expecting someone to help you with something or give you something & not show some kind of appreciation for it. He's much better about it now, & funnily enough people are more willing to assist him when he needs it.
People are conditioned differently, different cultures, backgrounds and mindsets all come into play. People don't always think the same as you!
That's the beauty of educating a child from a young age to think of other people's feelings as well as their own. I have never experienced a culture where people aren't taught to show appreciation to other people, only ill-mannered or thoughtless people who pass on their ways to their children or don't teach children in their care to do better than the adults around them,
I thank others when I receive a gift, but think it's unfair to expect others to be the same. IT'S A GIFT after all.
Good for you, but as you said, "people don't always think the same as you." My Mum once told me that the only thing that spreads more quickly than idle gossip & a poor prostitute's legs is knowledge of someone else's bad manners.
When you buy someone a gift, why does it need to be conditional?
Surely this defeats the whole point of the gift?
When buying people gifts, I would never expect a
thank you.
If I get it, its a bonus. Why? Because I made
the choice to buy it,
noone forced me. If you are expecting thanks, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. those posters annoyed about
not receiving thanks,
maybe you are buying gifts for the wrong reasons!
Why do you really buy them? Tradition has a lot to
answer for i think, and could be part of the problem.
I think its also important to remember that
not showing gratitude does not mean
you are not grateful. People are conditioned differently,
different cultures, backgrounds. They don't always think
the same as you! I would rather not have any gratitude than receive a 'thank you' that is fake and contrived. By the way, I always thank others for gifts as that's how i have been conditioned, I do not expect others to be similar.
I used to ring up everyone who sent me presents at birthday and Christmas. I hated it, but had it drilled into me from day one that it was a Must Do thing, and now I'm older I do agree.
I've got a couple of cousins who never show any apprecitation for gifts they get. Once our grandmother gave one of them money in a card; they took the money and left the card on the floor, and nan was really hurt. Their mother has raised them in this way because she believes having basic good manners stifle people's creativity and that everyone should be honest at all times (even if it will pointlessly hurt someone's feelings), and doesn't see a problem with their behavior so it's never going to improve even though they're adults now. I'm always disgusted by their attitudes but what can you do? My mum has actually stopped giving them presents because they're such ungrateful buggers.
We have never had a thank you from the nephews and neices on my husband's side of the family, despite seeing them all on Boxing day every year for the past 19 years :mad: It really winds me up as it so bloody rude, if I had my way I wouldn't waste any more of our hard earned cash on them, but sadly my hubby won't hear of it.
I have stopped giving presents to my great neice and nephew after spending a lot of time and money over the years and not once recieving a thank you.
It used to really annoy me and I thought if they can't be bothered to thank me, I can't be bothered to buy, wrap and post gifts. Sorted.
Did you see the video the other day of the little boy who last year got books as a present at Christmas? It's here. He opened the present & said "Books, at Christmas? What the heck is that?" My parents would have been embarrassed at me being so openly unappreciative. If I was the person who'd given the gift, I think I'd feel quite hurt by his response & also by the adults laughing & thinking it appropriate to put a video online of him scorning my gift.
Sounds to me like he's a little spoilt. I didn't watch the video but I read the article. I'm the total opposite - I love getting books for Christmas and have done for years.
Maybe it's old fashioned, but if I receive a gift from someone I say thank you.
And most people now have a mobile phone, so a text only takes seconds to send, unlike in the olden days when a thank you note had to be written and posted.
And you don't even have to do any acting if you didn't actually like the gift received because they can't see your face when you text.
So..........why don't people say thank you any more?
And is it curmudgeonly to be slightly miffed when people [especially kids] don't say thanks?
I don't give prezzies so as to get a prezzie in return. But I do think a thank you is polite, and to not thank is rude.
Do others agree?
[I just wanted to rant, really. Thanks for listening.]
I suppose generally because parents don't bring children up properly enough for them to say "thank you'. If any child - or come to mention it adult - I gave a gift to didn't say thank you I'd wonder about giving another gift next time. Not because one gives to receive, but if something is not received in good grace it seems churlish and I'd not want to do it again.
What I was more annoyed about was when my youngest started going to Birthday Parties and giving presents but never received a TY Note (they did sometimes) when I had mine write one out to everyone after their party!
that is what used to annoy me, when my son had a party he always wrote thank yous with my help but not many others seemed to do so when he took a nice present to their parties, very rude and im glad he is too old for things like that now
When you buy someone a gift, why does it need to be conditional?
Surely this defeats the whole point of the gift?
When buying people gifts, I would never expect a
thank you.
If I get it, its a bonus. Why? Because I made
the choice to buy it,
noone forced me. If you are expecting thanks, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. those posters annoyed about
not receiving thanks,
maybe you are buying gifts for the wrong reasons!
Why do you really buy them? Tradition has a lot to
answer for i think, and could be part of the problem.
I think its also important to remember that
not showing gratitude does not mean
you are not grateful. People are conditioned differently,
different cultures, backgrounds. They don't always think
the same as you! I would rather not have any gratitude than receive a 'thank you' that is fake and contrived. By the way, I always thank others for gifts as that's how i have been conditioned, I do not expect others to be similar.
There's no law to say you have to buy people gifts, people do it because they want to. There's no law to say you have to say 'Thank You' for that gift but it is good manners to do so.
Someone gives you something, you say Thank You. It's good manners, plain and simple. After all, a gift may be unconditional but someone has put time, money and effort into that gift, the least people can do is utter 2 simple words.
Did you see the video the other day of the little boy who last year got books as a present at Christmas? It's here. He opened the present & said "Books, at Christmas? What the heck is that?" My parents would have been embarrassed at me being so openly unappreciative. If I was the person who'd given the gift, I think I'd feel quite hurt by his response & also by the adults laughing & thinking it appropriate to put a video online of him scorning my gift.
He'd hate me - I often buy books as gifts. e.g. As a present for a new baby or a christening gift - favourites here are the full sets of children's classics; Peter Rabbit, Winnie the Pooh, Tales of the Riverbank etc. When they're a little older The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings have their place.
I like to think I have some part in encouraging their love of literature - and to get back on topic - I certainly expect an acknowledgement of any gift.
Sounds to me like he's a little spoilt. I didn't watch the video but I read the article. I'm the total opposite - I love getting books for Christmas and have done for years.
He'd hate me - I often buy books as gifts. e.g. As a present for a new baby or a christening gift - favourites here are the full sets of children's classics; Peter Rabbit, Winnie the Pooh, Tales of the Riverbank etc. When they're a little older The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings have their place.
I used to love getting books as a child, so much so that I probably got more presents from people because everyone knew I loved to read. I started reading at a very young age & our Sundays would find Mum & Dad reading their papers, with my younger brother & I reading books before we went on to newspapers. Even now, it's hard to beat a day with my feet up, a good book in one hand & a glass of wine in the other, & it's really annoying if someone rings just as you've got engrossed in a particular bit of the storyline.
I like to think I have some part in encouraging their love of literature
Same here. The Book People website is brilliant for cheap books - they do box sets too, & it's really nice to give a child the complete set of a particular author. My nephew & my godchildren have had loads of books from me over the years, & they all love reading.
My 11 year old nephew didn't thank me for his Xmas gift the other day, I don't think he liked it! Which is a shame because his gift cost more than his siblings gifts, which they loved (and did thank us for!).
Did you see the video the other day of the little boy who last year got books as a present at Christmas? It's here. He opened the present & said "Books, at Christmas? What the heck is that?" My parents would have been embarrassed at me being so openly unappreciative. If I was the person who'd given the gift, I think I'd feel quite hurt by his response & also by the adults laughing & thinking it appropriate to put a video online of him scorning my gift.
If I'd bought those and he reacted like that, I'd've been close to, or even in, tears. He may be young, but that would've really hurt me.
Yep.
I've been buying those kids presents because it's expected of me.
I want them to text a polite thanks because it's expected of them.
They haven't kept their part of the 'family duty' bargain by not thanking, so I will no longer send them gifts/money.
Sorted.
Exactly, as I said earlier it's a difficult one for me as my niece doesn't thank but my nephew does on behalf of his much younger children. I split the difference and gave them a lot less than usual in both time and money and if there's no reaction from said niece that's the end of that - sorted.
I have stopped giving presents to my great neice and nephew after spending a lot of time and money over the years and not once recieving a thank you.
It used to really annoy me and I thought if they can't be bothered to thank me, I can't be bothered to buy, wrap and post gifts. Sorted.
Agree! I don't spend more than a weeks wage to buy stuff for ungrateful brats.:o
I never have written thank you letters - even as a kid. My parents never forced me to do that.
What I did, and still do, is to ensure that whenever I've opened my gift I say thank you at that point. Most of the time I never got gifts by post, they were always opened with family & friends there.
I really don't see the point in writing a thank you letter!
I make sure my eldest son sends a coloured picture hes done (hes only 3) or write a thank you card on his behalf, will make sure that I do that for both my boys next week when the post is back to normal.
My other half thinks im odd though and says theres no need for it! I say i beg to differ my family clearly has manners where as his really has none at all!
Comments
Doesn't that enjoyment dissipate somewhat when there is a lack of feedback? Surely part of the process of buying and giving the present is trying to determine what the person would like, thinking about how it can be realistically achieved within ones budget, and trying to imagine how delighted they will be both when they open it and when it is used.
The lack of a thankyou (in whatever format) leaves one wondering whether the answers to previous questions have been so misunderstood that you haven't purchased something that they will really like but instead bought something really boring or "yesterday's news". Or in the case of posted presents left to wonder whether it was even received, nevermind appreciated.
I always make an effort to be seen to be enjoying gifts that I have been given and do find it rewarding when a recipient does the same for me. In addition to the original thankyou, it is just another way of expressing ones appreciation for all that goes into choosing a gift for someone and as so many have said it is learned from an early age.
My niece is now getting to an age where she is pushing things and I reckon some discipline needs to be implemented by her parents and extended family. She has sometimes shouted back at me or tried to stop me from coming through a door which I don't find acceptable. As I said, it's not currently being dealt with sufficiently. My Mum's attitude is that "she needs to start school" - apparently they will teach her everything:rolleyes:
What I was more annoyed about was when my youngest started going to Birthday Parties and giving presents but never received a TY Note (they did sometimes) when I had mine write one out to everyone after their party!
It's just common courtesy, IMO.
When you buy someone a gift, why does it need to be conditional? Surely this defeats
the whole point of the gift. A 'thank you' message should be an extra, not necessarily a requirement.
If someone thanks me, I see it as a bonus. Why? Because I made the choice to buy them a gift, no one forced me.
If you are expecting thanks, you are setting yourself up for major disappointment. Those posters annoyed
about not receiving gratitude, maybe you are buying those gifts for the wrong reasons!
Why do you really buy gifts? Tradition has a lot to answer for, I think, and could be part of the problem.
I think it's also important to remember that not showing gratitude does not mean you are not grateful.
People are conditioned differently, different cultures, backgrounds and mindsets all come into play. People don't always think
the same as you! I would rather not receive gratitude than receive a 'thank you' that is fake and contrived.
I thank others when I receive a gift, but think it's unfair to expect others to be the same. IT'S A GIFT after all.
I agree that people don't have to vocalise it or write it down. I know a woman who's not the sort to verbally thank people she knows, but she'll do something for them in return. That's her way of showing appreciation to them. Yet she'll always say "thank you" (not "ta" or "thanks") to a stranger or neighbour who assists her in some way. My Dad wasn't a demonstrative person at all, so he'd never thank us children or my Mum (I bet she's not had more than a handful of thank yous in 50+ years of marriage), but he'd always thank strangers or people who weren't close family. Mum & I have over the years got him to understand that you can't keep allowing/expecting someone to help you with something or give you something & not show some kind of appreciation for it. He's much better about it now, & funnily enough people are more willing to assist him when he needs it.
That's the beauty of educating a child from a young age to think of other people's feelings as well as their own. I have never experienced a culture where people aren't taught to show appreciation to other people, only ill-mannered or thoughtless people who pass on their ways to their children or don't teach children in their care to do better than the adults around them,
I think most people would agree with you on that.
Good for you, but as you said, "people don't always think the same as you." My Mum once told me that the only thing that spreads more quickly than idle gossip & a poor prostitute's legs is knowledge of someone else's bad manners.
When you buy someone a gift, why does it need to be conditional?
Surely this defeats the whole point of the gift?
When buying people gifts, I would never expect a
thank you.
If I get it, its a bonus. Why? Because I made
the choice to buy it,
noone forced me. If you are expecting thanks, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. those posters annoyed about
not receiving thanks,
maybe you are buying gifts for the wrong reasons!
Why do you really buy them? Tradition has a lot to
answer for i think, and could be part of the problem.
I think its also important to remember that
not showing gratitude does not mean
you are not grateful. People are conditioned differently,
different cultures, backgrounds. They don't always think
the same as you! I would rather not have any gratitude than receive a 'thank you' that is fake and contrived. By the way, I always thank others for gifts as that's how i have been conditioned, I do not expect others to be similar.
I've been buying those kids presents because it's expected of me.
I want them to text a polite thanks because it's expected of them.
They haven't kept their part of the 'family duty' bargain by not thanking, so I will no longer send them gifts/money.
Sorted.
I've got a couple of cousins who never show any apprecitation for gifts they get. Once our grandmother gave one of them money in a card; they took the money and left the card on the floor, and nan was really hurt. Their mother has raised them in this way because she believes having basic good manners stifle people's creativity and that everyone should be honest at all times (even if it will pointlessly hurt someone's feelings), and doesn't see a problem with their behavior so it's never going to improve even though they're adults now. I'm always disgusted by their attitudes but what can you do? My mum has actually stopped giving them presents because they're such ungrateful buggers.
It used to really annoy me and I thought if they can't be bothered to thank me, I can't be bothered to buy, wrap and post gifts. Sorted.
Sounds to me like he's a little spoilt. I didn't watch the video but I read the article. I'm the total opposite - I love getting books for Christmas and have done for years.
I suppose generally because parents don't bring children up properly enough for them to say "thank you'. If any child - or come to mention it adult - I gave a gift to didn't say thank you I'd wonder about giving another gift next time. Not because one gives to receive, but if something is not received in good grace it seems churlish and I'd not want to do it again.
that is what used to annoy me, when my son had a party he always wrote thank yous with my help but not many others seemed to do so when he took a nice present to their parties, very rude and im glad he is too old for things like that now
There's no law to say you have to buy people gifts, people do it because they want to. There's no law to say you have to say 'Thank You' for that gift but it is good manners to do so.
Someone gives you something, you say Thank You. It's good manners, plain and simple. After all, a gift may be unconditional but someone has put time, money and effort into that gift, the least people can do is utter 2 simple words.
I like to think I have some part in encouraging their love of literature - and to get back on topic - I certainly expect an acknowledgement of any gift.
Same here. The Book People website is brilliant for cheap books - they do box sets too, & it's really nice to give a child the complete set of a particular author. My nephew & my godchildren have had loads of books from me over the years, & they all love reading.
So do I, & I see nothing wrong with expecting someone to use a few moments of their time in order to do so.
If I'd bought those and he reacted like that, I'd've been close to, or even in, tears. He may be young, but that would've really hurt me.
Exactly, as I said earlier it's a difficult one for me as my niece doesn't thank but my nephew does on behalf of his much younger children. I split the difference and gave them a lot less than usual in both time and money and if there's no reaction from said niece that's the end of that - sorted.
Agree! I don't spend more than a weeks wage to buy stuff for ungrateful brats.:o
What I did, and still do, is to ensure that whenever I've opened my gift I say thank you at that point. Most of the time I never got gifts by post, they were always opened with family & friends there.
I really don't see the point in writing a thank you letter!
My other half thinks im odd though and says theres no need for it! I say i beg to differ my family clearly has manners where as his really has none at all!