To be honest I have no idea why I wrote it like that. It was 100% her decision and then I just added 'nobody needs 20 presents' which she agreed with. There really wasn't any convincing on my part. This is a girl that cries when she sees a dead bird on the street and going to London and seeing homeless people everywhere is traumatic for her. She is incredibly sensitive, almost to a fault.
I don't think she should give up the only big party she has ever had and will have. Also, that's not fair on the other kids because then they miss out too. She's 9. She's being kind by asking for donations instead of presents but there's no way i'm going to turn round to her and suggest giving all her party money to charity.
I don't think she should give up her party, every child deserves at least one special day and everything that goes with it.
And her thought of donations are very kind but opening lots of presents is something enjoyable to do after the party. I'm sorry but your posts clearly suggest your preference which may have unintentionally been communicated to her. Perhaps her birthday is a good opportunity for her to be less sensitive and put her own feelings first because in life that's necessary on occasion.
As an alternative why not leave things as they are and once she has had her day ask if she would like to donate any of her gifts to a children's organisation. If she chooses to she has the fun of the gifts and also the benefit of being involved in the actual act of giving.
She wants to give to a charity that helps vulnerable children. Do you think people would have a problem with that?
you posted in advice on DS so perhaps you we're not sure or convinced and invited opinions. Opinions have been given, overwhelmingly positive. That's brilliant
I don't think she should give up her party, every child deserves at least one special day and everything that goes with it.
And her thought of donations are very kind but opening lots of presents is something enjoyable to do after the party. I'm sorry but your posts clearly suggest your preference which may have unintentionally been communicated to her. Perhaps her birthday is a good opportunity for her to be less sensitive and put her own feelings first because in life that's necessary on occasion.
As an alternative why not leave things as they are and once she has had her day ask if she would like to donate any of her gifts to a children's organisation. If she chooses to she has the fun of the gifts and also the benefit of being involved in the actual act of giving.
We haven't really spoken about it much (before today) other than my 'nobody needs 20 presents' comments. I do grumble every birthday and Christmas about where we're going to put all the presents but I don't think she really listens to me or worries much about how tidy her bedroom is.
It's really not my preference. I saw a lot of positives in asking for donations but these were all for the other people involved. The only way it really affects me is that if she got presents then i'd have to find room for them which isn't the end of the world, just a bit annoying.
I did ask her tonight if she was sure that is what she wants to do. She said yes and then paused and I said 'if you're not 100% sure then don't do it'. I haven't said any more because now i'm scared of influencing her.
Secretly I want her to change her mind and ask for presents cos I am now sick of this whole thing.
I wouldn't give gifts away that she's received as it was only the other day I was saying she can't give a necklace she got from one friend to another as it was a gift and that's rude. I think it would possibly send mixed messages. Plus if one of her friends was to come round for tea and ask where their present was she'd then have to lie about where it's gone. It could all get quite messy.
you posted in advice on DS so perhaps you we're not sure or convinced and invited opinions. Opinions have been given, overwhelmingly positive. That's brilliant
This reminds me of every wedding invitation I've ever received... "Having lived together for a number of years now we have everything we need for our house, and your presence on our wonderfal day is enough. BUT if you'd like to give us a gift we'd love some spending money for our honeymoon.
PS. If you give us nothing, don't expect us to ever speak to you again. The vol au vents alone cost a grand"
That's really not comparable. The child is not asking for money for herself
I don't like being told which charity to give money to. The ultimatum here is, "give money to a charity I say, or you're not my friend". That's like telling someone they're only invited to your wedding if they vote Labour at the next general election.
I don't like being told which charity to give money to. The ultimatum here is, "give money to a charity I say, or you're not my friend". That's like telling someone they're only invited to your wedding if they vote Labour at the next general election.
No it's not! Donations wouldn't be demanded and they would be done anonymously. I really don't think any kids would fall out over this.
We haven't really spoken about it much (before today) other than my 'nobody needs 20 presents' comments. I do grumble every birthday and Christmas about where we're going to put all the presents but I don't think she really listens to me or worries much about how tidy her bedroom is.
It's really not my preference. I saw a lot of positives in asking for donations but these were all for the other people involved. The only way it really affects me is that if she got presents then i'd have to find room for them which isn't the end of the world, just a bit annoying.
I did ask her tonight if she was sure that is what she wants to do. She said yes and then paused and I said 'if you're not 100% sure then don't do it'. I haven't said any more because now i'm scared of influencing her.
Secretly I want her to change her mind and ask for presents cos I am now sick of this whole thing.
I wouldn't give gifts away that she's received as it was only the other day I was saying she can't give a necklace she got from one friend to another as it was a gift and that's rude. I think it would possibly send mixed messages. Plus if one of her friends was to come round for tea and ask where their present was she'd then have to lie about where it's gone. It could all get quite messy.
How sad that your over thinking on frankly a trivial matter means that you may well back track on an initial agreement with/commitment to your child.
Her charming and selfless idea hits the pavement...congratulations.
She wants to give to a charity that helps vulnerable children. Do you think people would have a problem with that?
You know what - someone is going to take offence at something.
Your daughter has had an idea of donating to a charity instead of receiving presents - good for her - she may not do it next year but for this year she wants to.
I would set up a just giving page, have a small box at the party venue for cash and then just let everyone enjoy the day.
If someone decides to bring a small present on the day - say thanks and put is next to the charity box, if someone decides not to donate then that's their choice - if someone objects to the choice of charity smile and move on.
Enjoy the party - and if Myleene Klass turns up make sure she puts in a massive donation and buys a massive present as well!
How sad that your over thinking on frankly a trivial matter means that you may well back track on an initial agreement with/commitment to your child.
Her charming and selfless idea hits the pavement...congratulations.
I said "secretly". It's her decision but I can't deny that I wouldn't be relieved if she decided not to. There are a fair few people on here who are against the idea so naturally I'd be concerned that the parents would be also. I worry it could affect my daughter at school.
There's so much pettiness in the playground and most of it comes from the mums!
Im not sure at all about it to be honest. Everyone has their own favourite charity so which would you choose? Cant you word it something like '(childs name) wants your presence not your presents but if you would like to bring a book they will be donated to the local childrens hospice' or something like that? That way the guests still get to choose the book, making them feel they are contributing something and the charity gets a batch of new books (or gift of your choice, it could be anything really).
I said "secretly". It's her decision but I can't deny that I wouldn't be relieved if she decided not to. There are a fair few people on here who are against the idea so naturally I'd be concerned that the parents would be also. I worry it could affect my daughter at school.
There's so much pettiness in the playground and most of it comes from the mums!
Random strangers on the internet....they matter?? :D:D
And how come their opinion counts for more than those of us who have fully supported your daughter's expressed desire for her birthday celebration?
I wish your daughter luck...as for me I'm out of a discussion that is fast becoming a way to enable you to make a mountain out of a molehill.
It would be interesting to see how many people actually donate or think ooo free party
Probably better to ask for Money & donate it yourself. You can always put the receipt on fb or something.
I think your daughter brilliant.
I got no idea on how to word it am no wordsmith .
Maybe say something along the lines.
Daughter will like to raise money for her fave charity
She thought that maybe instead of gifts friends could donate money only if they so wished to do so
Random strangers on the internet....they matter?? :D:D
And how come their opinion counts for more than those of us who have fully supported your daughter's expressed desire for her birthday celebration?
I wish your daughter luck...as for me I'm out of a discussion that is fast becoming a way to enable you to make a mountain out of a molehill.
I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Don't we all do that unintentionally sometimes? I know how ridiculous it all is really. Someone slap me!
Nobody's opinions matter more than anyone else's.
I really appreciate all comments that I've received. Thank you everyone 😊
Party invites are being done Sunday so I'll just have to wait and see what she decides but I think she probably will stick with the charity donations. If it all goes horribly wrong I'll be back to tell you all 😁
If I saw an invitation with this on it all I would think is "what a lovely child" none of this other stuff would enter my head.
If you prefer you could put something like "While 'daughter' would welcome any gifts, she would love for you to make e a donation to 'charity' (or the charity of your choice) instead and just come along and enjoy the party." (I am no word smith, there are no doubt better ways to put this).
What about instead of having a party at all, you just donate the money you would have spent on your daughter's party to charity, and don't have a party at all.
Although it seems like a lovely idea in theory, I think it's setting a precedence - will the next child who has a party feel obliged to do the same thing? If they decide not to, will they be thought of as materialistic and looked down on?
As an adult, I have donated to charity when people have asked me to (for a couple of weddings) and I didn't mind but I think children enjoy choosing and giving an actual gift.
Just my opinion, of course.
I think its a great idea. I'm sad that people here have completely overthought it and quite frankly have been dicks.
I think its quite clear the people have no obligation to donate etc, and you have clearly done very well in bringing up such a thoughtful and selfless daughter.
In future I would trust your instincts as to me you are spot on, don't seek advice from the internet as its full of idiots who just like to bring others down as you can see.
It really is a wonderful thing that you suggested and I feel sorry for those too bitter to see that.
We didn't put it on the invitation in the end and i'm glad.
However, my cake lady has said instead of paying her for the cake to give the money to charity and and a couple of close friends, who have asked about gifts, we mentioned the charity and they seem more than happy to donate.
The reason it didn't go on the invitation is that there is so much drama between the parents on the playground. Mums are making other mums cry over ridiculously stupid things, people making petty comments and looking down on people. Today I found out that the childminders don't get spoken to by a lot of the parents as it's not seen as a worthy job! There is a lot of snobbery. Some of the kids are just horrible spoilt brats. The school is Ofsted outstanding and attracts those pushy parent types who are always screaming at the teacher about why their precious darling is not in the top group for everything whilst looking down on any child that doesn't pass the 11+. There is a lot of competitiveness and I just don't think it would have gone well. My daughter did mention to a couple of girls in her class about charity donations and they just couldn't comprehend why she would want to sacrifice presents.
I want my daughter's school life to be harmonious as it pretty much stands at the moment, and I got the feeling that the donation thing could possibly change that and I didn't want to take the risk.
The reason i'm glad is that another child in the class has a party the same day. My daughter handed out her invitations yesterday and came out of school looking heartbroken. Lots of the kids in the class were apparently invited to this other girls party. She had invites given back to her and kids saying 'I'd prefer to go to xxx's party', and a 'friend' moaning that her parents had spent a lot of money on my daughter for their birthday and that they owe her big time. Why is she not doing something better? Having that thrown back in your face when you'd shown such an act of kindness would have just been unbearable.
Anyway, it's all sort of sorted now but the end result (wont go into it) could potentially bring some drama my way anyway.
Comments
I don't think she should give up her party, every child deserves at least one special day and everything that goes with it.
And her thought of donations are very kind but opening lots of presents is something enjoyable to do after the party. I'm sorry but your posts clearly suggest your preference which may have unintentionally been communicated to her. Perhaps her birthday is a good opportunity for her to be less sensitive and put her own feelings first because in life that's necessary on occasion.
As an alternative why not leave things as they are and once she has had her day ask if she would like to donate any of her gifts to a children's organisation. If she chooses to she has the fun of the gifts and also the benefit of being involved in the actual act of giving.
We haven't really spoken about it much (before today) other than my 'nobody needs 20 presents' comments. I do grumble every birthday and Christmas about where we're going to put all the presents but I don't think she really listens to me or worries much about how tidy her bedroom is.
It's really not my preference. I saw a lot of positives in asking for donations but these were all for the other people involved. The only way it really affects me is that if she got presents then i'd have to find room for them which isn't the end of the world, just a bit annoying.
I did ask her tonight if she was sure that is what she wants to do. She said yes and then paused and I said 'if you're not 100% sure then don't do it'. I haven't said any more because now i'm scared of influencing her.
Secretly I want her to change her mind and ask for presents cos I am now sick of this whole thing.
I wouldn't give gifts away that she's received as it was only the other day I was saying she can't give a necklace she got from one friend to another as it was a gift and that's rude. I think it would possibly send mixed messages. Plus if one of her friends was to come round for tea and ask where their present was she'd then have to lie about where it's gone. It could all get quite messy.
A smart arse as well as a detective
no matter how good the intentions are
That's really not comparable. The child is not asking for money for herself
No it's not! Donations wouldn't be demanded and they would be done anonymously. I really don't think any kids would fall out over this.
How sad that your over thinking on frankly a trivial matter means that you may well back track on an initial agreement with/commitment to your child.
Her charming and selfless idea hits the pavement...congratulations.
You know what - someone is going to take offence at something.
Your daughter has had an idea of donating to a charity instead of receiving presents - good for her - she may not do it next year but for this year she wants to.
I would set up a just giving page, have a small box at the party venue for cash and then just let everyone enjoy the day.
If someone decides to bring a small present on the day - say thanks and put is next to the charity box, if someone decides not to donate then that's their choice - if someone objects to the choice of charity smile and move on.
Enjoy the party - and if Myleene Klass turns up make sure she puts in a massive donation and buys a massive present as well!
I said "secretly". It's her decision but I can't deny that I wouldn't be relieved if she decided not to. There are a fair few people on here who are against the idea so naturally I'd be concerned that the parents would be also. I worry it could affect my daughter at school.
There's so much pettiness in the playground and most of it comes from the mums!
Random strangers on the internet....they matter??
And how come their opinion counts for more than those of us who have fully supported your daughter's expressed desire for her birthday celebration?
I wish your daughter luck...as for me I'm out of a discussion that is fast becoming a way to enable you to make a mountain out of a molehill.
Probably better to ask for Money & donate it yourself. You can always put the receipt on fb or something.
I got no idea on how to word it am no wordsmith
Maybe say something along the lines.
Daughter will like to raise money for her fave charity
She thought that maybe instead of gifts friends could donate money only if they so wished to do so
I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Don't we all do that unintentionally sometimes? I know how ridiculous it all is really. Someone slap me!
Nobody's opinions matter more than anyone else's.
I really appreciate all comments that I've received. Thank you everyone 😊
Party invites are being done Sunday so I'll just have to wait and see what she decides but I think she probably will stick with the charity donations. If it all goes horribly wrong I'll be back to tell you all 😁
If you prefer you could put something like "While 'daughter' would welcome any gifts, she would love for you to make e a donation to 'charity' (or the charity of your choice) instead and just come along and enjoy the party." (I am no word smith, there are no doubt better ways to put this).
By the logic, it's only an affair if your partner finds out.
I still don't want to be told which charities to give to. That stops it being charity.
How would that one go down, do you think?
As an adult, I have donated to charity when people have asked me to (for a couple of weddings) and I didn't mind but I think children enjoy choosing and giving an actual gift.
Just my opinion, of course.
I think its quite clear the people have no obligation to donate etc, and you have clearly done very well in bringing up such a thoughtful and selfless daughter.
In future I would trust your instincts as to me you are spot on, don't seek advice from the internet as its full of idiots who just like to bring others down as you can see.
It really is a wonderful thing that you suggested and I feel sorry for those too bitter to see that.
We didn't put it on the invitation in the end and i'm glad.
However, my cake lady has said instead of paying her for the cake to give the money to charity and and a couple of close friends, who have asked about gifts, we mentioned the charity and they seem more than happy to donate.
The reason it didn't go on the invitation is that there is so much drama between the parents on the playground. Mums are making other mums cry over ridiculously stupid things, people making petty comments and looking down on people. Today I found out that the childminders don't get spoken to by a lot of the parents as it's not seen as a worthy job! There is a lot of snobbery. Some of the kids are just horrible spoilt brats. The school is Ofsted outstanding and attracts those pushy parent types who are always screaming at the teacher about why their precious darling is not in the top group for everything whilst looking down on any child that doesn't pass the 11+. There is a lot of competitiveness and I just don't think it would have gone well. My daughter did mention to a couple of girls in her class about charity donations and they just couldn't comprehend why she would want to sacrifice presents.
I want my daughter's school life to be harmonious as it pretty much stands at the moment, and I got the feeling that the donation thing could possibly change that and I didn't want to take the risk.
The reason i'm glad is that another child in the class has a party the same day. My daughter handed out her invitations yesterday and came out of school looking heartbroken. Lots of the kids in the class were apparently invited to this other girls party. She had invites given back to her and kids saying 'I'd prefer to go to xxx's party', and a 'friend' moaning that her parents had spent a lot of money on my daughter for their birthday and that they owe her big time. Why is she not doing something better? Having that thrown back in your face when you'd shown such an act of kindness would have just been unbearable.
Anyway, it's all sort of sorted now but the end result (wont go into it) could potentially bring some drama my way anyway.
I'll be glad when it's all over!