A weeks break in a relationship - why cant I stop thinking the worst?!
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Apologies for length...
11 months ago I met a lovely woman, who had split up from her husband of 14 years about 8 weeks previously. I’d split up with my girlfriend 7 weeks before that.
We met through a mutual friend, in the pub over Easter Monday.
After a few weeks we got chatting, through FB then texts, and started to spend more time with each other. I’d pick her up at her house and we’d go out for walks, coffees, see a film etc. She’d been depressed before as a teenager. We grew to like each other, there was no pressure on us at all, i think we just enjoyed the company (even though she kept saying there would never be anything in us, after a while she relented and said she loved me, after I told her the same).
People commented that we looked like we loved each other, always paying compliments, touchy feely all the time, we could chat about nothing for hours and we watched the same things.
In the August, her husband then moved out, so naturally her house was empty and we started to spend more time there, rather than going out.
There was someone else who she was interested in at the same time, but they were going through their own problems, and he didn’t reply texts or meet up when arranged, so that didn’t come to anything, although the odd text here and there still happens.
She was feeling very messed up when we first met, but with a bit of confidence and a small push now and then from me, she’s blossomed and feeling happier.
Lately, she’s been under a lot of pressure at work – a lot. They want her to study for the next 3 years, they have a big project under way, and she feels like she isn’t getting the support of her co-workers. She also has a problem with 2 ex colleagues with complaints. Up until a few weeks ago, someone at work told her that in recent months she felt that my girlfriend was looking happier, and it was all as she’d met me. I thought I was set for life.
So fast forward to February this year, after a weeks holiday over New year, another one booked for September and a weekend away in May to look forward to.
Last weekend she said she felt Id swept her off her feet, almost killing her with kindness, and she isn’t in control any more. She said at the time we met, that was what she wanted, and she loved every minute we’d spent with each other, although we’d been spending too much time with each other. She said her head was messed up totally and wanted a week apart.
She said she used to like listening to loud rock music on her own, and never watched the news. She's realised lately that shes started listening to the radio and modern songs, and burned a CD. Before he moved out, she gave him a lift somewhere, she had her CD in the car and he'd commented that it was crap. She said last week that she doesnt feel herself any more. But peoples interests change, dont they?!
When she split up with her husband, they always went out together and met up with friends (he didn’t allow her any male friends) – and when the relationship ended, they all chose to take his side, so she doesn’t have any mates to talk to now. Family aren’t the type either. She says I have been her best mate. She says even though her husband was an idiot, who mentally manipulated her over the years, she loved him. When theyd have an argument, after a few hours or even days he’d walk in the room and she would still say she loved him. Even though we haven’t had an argument, she doesn’t know if she would feel that way with me if that happened with us.
She says I can be a bit pushy. She is trying to sell her house, and Ive helped her repaint it, tidy it and stuff, to save her doing it as I knew she was under pressure with work. Plus I’m the type who likes to keep busy and not put off. She was happy with it at first, but recently she’s wanted to do it on her own, she feels like she hasn’t done anything, Ive done it all. Which I have, but I don’t honestly mind. I do it on a Saturday morning when shes at work. When we booked the holiday for later this year I had the idea on a Monday, and by the Wednesday it was booked. In her eyes that was too quick and I put pressure on her to ask work for the time off (she was sat there when I booked it, why didn’t she say anything?!), but that’s how I am.
She said she'd started feeling things over New Year on holiday, different music tastes (is that such a big thing?!). i did point out that if she had her doubts then why did she sent me a lovely Valentines note saying I was the one and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and she loved me so much.
She gets on so well with my parents, and they came to her house the weekend before last week to help with her garden, and I cant help feel that was what has made her feel this way. We’re a ‘helpy’ family who don’t mind mucking in – just helping her to try and sell her house to pay off the debt. There was talk about her moving in with me at some stage when it was sold, even though she loves the house and doesn’t want to sell it and she said that was harder than leaving her husband. Last Monday night when we were talking, my Mum sent a text to her saying they know she was having problems at work, but they felt she was part of the family and would like to see her back and they loved her to bits. That made my girlfriend waft her face after reading, almost like it was a relief (they hadnt been in touch for over a week)
So last Wednesday night we had a chat and the next night she had a chat with a counsellor at work, and we agreed to have a week apart, but send a text every morning and night to see if we were okay. It would be difficult for us both. On the following Sunday night we were texting, asked if I could ring as it was easier than texting, and at 9pm she asked if I could come over for a chat.
Afterwards she said she’d only want to talk about how things were going and not about us (which I thought was odd) and the fact she was really missing me being there, but eventually the convo did get to us, and a lot of weird things were said, a lot of which I have put above. We said we’d meet again this Friday (tomorrow night) after giving her more time to think things through and try to clear her head. I didn’t sleep that Monday night, and on Tuesday I felt crap, tired, narky, hurt.
Mid morning I text her to say I thought she was playing games and had used me for cleaning her house up and I thought rather than put us through the pain now it should end and we can move on. Why I said it I don’t know, I don’t want it to end at all, I want her back. She took this terrible (and thinking about it, so would I) and said she wasn’t using me at all, it was just her head was such a mess. We met that lunchtime at her work and she was in tears, I got upset. We talked, I told her I still loved her and we agreed that when people are hurt they’re defences go up and hurt back, I sent her a long text a few hours later from the heart telling her I realised we’d been joined at the hip and now need time apart and together for us to grow stronger, and we met again that night and I told her I thought we should carry on seeing each other as before, but not as much (I do realise every couple needs their time apart – we had been with each other 100% out of work hours – but I never at the time), and get to grow as a couple and individuals. It doesn’t help when I don’t have many friends, and I think she misses that bit. I said we could join clubs, go to concerts, even go salsa dancing! We went away that night and I felt okay, much better as I’d told her how I feel. We even mouthed that we love each other on leaving.
I know the strategy on moving forward, but all my mind is thinking of is the immortal words tomorrow night that it might be “Ive fallen out of love with you...” or “I think it should be over…”.
Ive lasted all week and kept myself busy, but the closer it gets to tomorrow night the more I cant help feeling that I’ll meet her at her house and she’ll tell me shes managed to clear her head a bit and basically doesn’t want me any more. I cant also bear the thought of having more time apart, as it has just been too painful 9 days of not seeing her after 11 months seeing each other every day.
I do feel in a way that she may have mellowed, as her texts are becoming longer, and the “Words with friends” games have now restarted both with me and my parents (it’s the little things, I know). One or two things have been sorted at work for her, but I just don’t want to start thinking all will be okay, if they aren’t.
I love her to bits. Could see us being with each other forever. I dont want this blip - if thats what it is - ending it, when its been really not my fault!
I know I need a Plan B for tomorrow night if the worst came to the worst, and I don’t have one.
11 months ago I met a lovely woman, who had split up from her husband of 14 years about 8 weeks previously. I’d split up with my girlfriend 7 weeks before that.
We met through a mutual friend, in the pub over Easter Monday.
After a few weeks we got chatting, through FB then texts, and started to spend more time with each other. I’d pick her up at her house and we’d go out for walks, coffees, see a film etc. She’d been depressed before as a teenager. We grew to like each other, there was no pressure on us at all, i think we just enjoyed the company (even though she kept saying there would never be anything in us, after a while she relented and said she loved me, after I told her the same).
People commented that we looked like we loved each other, always paying compliments, touchy feely all the time, we could chat about nothing for hours and we watched the same things.
In the August, her husband then moved out, so naturally her house was empty and we started to spend more time there, rather than going out.
There was someone else who she was interested in at the same time, but they were going through their own problems, and he didn’t reply texts or meet up when arranged, so that didn’t come to anything, although the odd text here and there still happens.
She was feeling very messed up when we first met, but with a bit of confidence and a small push now and then from me, she’s blossomed and feeling happier.
Lately, she’s been under a lot of pressure at work – a lot. They want her to study for the next 3 years, they have a big project under way, and she feels like she isn’t getting the support of her co-workers. She also has a problem with 2 ex colleagues with complaints. Up until a few weeks ago, someone at work told her that in recent months she felt that my girlfriend was looking happier, and it was all as she’d met me. I thought I was set for life.
So fast forward to February this year, after a weeks holiday over New year, another one booked for September and a weekend away in May to look forward to.
Last weekend she said she felt Id swept her off her feet, almost killing her with kindness, and she isn’t in control any more. She said at the time we met, that was what she wanted, and she loved every minute we’d spent with each other, although we’d been spending too much time with each other. She said her head was messed up totally and wanted a week apart.
She said she used to like listening to loud rock music on her own, and never watched the news. She's realised lately that shes started listening to the radio and modern songs, and burned a CD. Before he moved out, she gave him a lift somewhere, she had her CD in the car and he'd commented that it was crap. She said last week that she doesnt feel herself any more. But peoples interests change, dont they?!
When she split up with her husband, they always went out together and met up with friends (he didn’t allow her any male friends) – and when the relationship ended, they all chose to take his side, so she doesn’t have any mates to talk to now. Family aren’t the type either. She says I have been her best mate. She says even though her husband was an idiot, who mentally manipulated her over the years, she loved him. When theyd have an argument, after a few hours or even days he’d walk in the room and she would still say she loved him. Even though we haven’t had an argument, she doesn’t know if she would feel that way with me if that happened with us.
She says I can be a bit pushy. She is trying to sell her house, and Ive helped her repaint it, tidy it and stuff, to save her doing it as I knew she was under pressure with work. Plus I’m the type who likes to keep busy and not put off. She was happy with it at first, but recently she’s wanted to do it on her own, she feels like she hasn’t done anything, Ive done it all. Which I have, but I don’t honestly mind. I do it on a Saturday morning when shes at work. When we booked the holiday for later this year I had the idea on a Monday, and by the Wednesday it was booked. In her eyes that was too quick and I put pressure on her to ask work for the time off (she was sat there when I booked it, why didn’t she say anything?!), but that’s how I am.
She said she'd started feeling things over New Year on holiday, different music tastes (is that such a big thing?!). i did point out that if she had her doubts then why did she sent me a lovely Valentines note saying I was the one and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and she loved me so much.
She gets on so well with my parents, and they came to her house the weekend before last week to help with her garden, and I cant help feel that was what has made her feel this way. We’re a ‘helpy’ family who don’t mind mucking in – just helping her to try and sell her house to pay off the debt. There was talk about her moving in with me at some stage when it was sold, even though she loves the house and doesn’t want to sell it and she said that was harder than leaving her husband. Last Monday night when we were talking, my Mum sent a text to her saying they know she was having problems at work, but they felt she was part of the family and would like to see her back and they loved her to bits. That made my girlfriend waft her face after reading, almost like it was a relief (they hadnt been in touch for over a week)
So last Wednesday night we had a chat and the next night she had a chat with a counsellor at work, and we agreed to have a week apart, but send a text every morning and night to see if we were okay. It would be difficult for us both. On the following Sunday night we were texting, asked if I could ring as it was easier than texting, and at 9pm she asked if I could come over for a chat.
Afterwards she said she’d only want to talk about how things were going and not about us (which I thought was odd) and the fact she was really missing me being there, but eventually the convo did get to us, and a lot of weird things were said, a lot of which I have put above. We said we’d meet again this Friday (tomorrow night) after giving her more time to think things through and try to clear her head. I didn’t sleep that Monday night, and on Tuesday I felt crap, tired, narky, hurt.
Mid morning I text her to say I thought she was playing games and had used me for cleaning her house up and I thought rather than put us through the pain now it should end and we can move on. Why I said it I don’t know, I don’t want it to end at all, I want her back. She took this terrible (and thinking about it, so would I) and said she wasn’t using me at all, it was just her head was such a mess. We met that lunchtime at her work and she was in tears, I got upset. We talked, I told her I still loved her and we agreed that when people are hurt they’re defences go up and hurt back, I sent her a long text a few hours later from the heart telling her I realised we’d been joined at the hip and now need time apart and together for us to grow stronger, and we met again that night and I told her I thought we should carry on seeing each other as before, but not as much (I do realise every couple needs their time apart – we had been with each other 100% out of work hours – but I never at the time), and get to grow as a couple and individuals. It doesn’t help when I don’t have many friends, and I think she misses that bit. I said we could join clubs, go to concerts, even go salsa dancing! We went away that night and I felt okay, much better as I’d told her how I feel. We even mouthed that we love each other on leaving.
I know the strategy on moving forward, but all my mind is thinking of is the immortal words tomorrow night that it might be “Ive fallen out of love with you...” or “I think it should be over…”.
Ive lasted all week and kept myself busy, but the closer it gets to tomorrow night the more I cant help feeling that I’ll meet her at her house and she’ll tell me shes managed to clear her head a bit and basically doesn’t want me any more. I cant also bear the thought of having more time apart, as it has just been too painful 9 days of not seeing her after 11 months seeing each other every day.
I do feel in a way that she may have mellowed, as her texts are becoming longer, and the “Words with friends” games have now restarted both with me and my parents (it’s the little things, I know). One or two things have been sorted at work for her, but I just don’t want to start thinking all will be okay, if they aren’t.
I love her to bits. Could see us being with each other forever. I dont want this blip - if thats what it is - ending it, when its been really not my fault!
I know I need a Plan B for tomorrow night if the worst came to the worst, and I don’t have one.
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Comments
You lifted her spirits when she was down, which she needed at the time but maybe not anymore.
Sorry
If you want to continue the relationship then maybe you need to give each other a bit more breathing space. If you pressurise her she will most probably end it.
I have to agree. Sounds like far too much time spent in your head and not living in the moment.
You 7 weeks, she was 8 weeks gone. After such a long time with someone else? You clearly needed each other at the time but perhaps not any more. Learn from this. Be good friends and go forth with some proper space between you. For space to work, even if it's just a week, you cant be texting each other twice a day. Cut all ties and see how it goes from there for a while.
shes playing mind games with you. all woman do, they think they are superior, i would call it a day move on you don;t need this crap in life
Yup, big. She didnt want to let go.
Starting to think i shouldnt have put it on here.
She might be scared of getting involved further because there has been no time in between the relationships for herself. I met my last partner after he was newly divorced and it took a lot of small steps to build up the very long relationship we ended up having. We did not live together until 3 years down the line and only saw each other 2 or 3 times a week, some of this related to work shifts. This was more his choice than mine, but it worked for us in the end and actually kept things very fresh and "date like" for us for a long time.
Your plan B could be to see each other less and just see how that pans out for a while. If she doesn't agree than you will get over her in time. Remember the good times you shared and leave the relationship without bitterness - as you said - you've done nothing wrong so don't beat yourself up over this.
wow bitter much?:rolleyes:
OP - Just try and keep busy till you meet, no one can predict what will happen so best try not to worry until you have to.
Maybe she didn't want to but had to and that was the goodbye hug.
I can see why you are thinking the worst. I don't think you are wrong.
You are so right. We were all put on this earth to mess men up :rolleyes:
Someone has clearly hurt you along the line - dont tar us all with the same brush.
Good post
I met my current partner about 5 months after my ex hub of 10 years decided to split with me, timing was not ideal, and he was too enthusiastic at the start, he did as has been said sweep me off my feet! I was certainly not on the lookout for any relationship or encounter, it just came about, I know, I know..hehe.
There have been a few breaks, on my part to get things sorted, of a week of not seeing each other mainly early last year. Just a breather though, never split up. It will be our two year anniversary in July and I am looking forward to the future with him, we both are. We are still moving slowly and only see each other 1-2 times a week, I have kids so its important not to rush into stuff. It does keep things fresh and we are in love
Give it time and try not to worry too much. I think we declared our love for each other pretty soon too, which did surprise me at the time, I have never done that within weeks, usually it takes me over 3 months, well I have only ever loved a couple of others before, hehe.
A lot of your situation is familiar to me op
What do you mean by "all women do"? You seem to have negative ideas about women ... not ALL women are the same. I myself have been with my husband since I was 19 and we have 2 children. Perhaps you have been treated badly by women in the past but please don't judge all women to be the same because of your bad experiences with them.
I hope you are not offended by my comments but I felt like I had to put my opinion across.
Spend time with friends and family, plan a few things for you to do without her - and see what happens.
If she says she doesn't want to be with you anymore the best thing you can do is accept it and leave. Keep yourself busy and move on when you're ready.
If it's not that I think you need to chill out a bit, your personality sounds quite overbearing. Let her do her things at her pace, not yours.
After 14 years of being with someone she will need time to adjust. Time to grieve and learn and grow and discover who she is again. She won't be the same person she was before she got married.
She needs to look back and assess and try to put all her feeling about the last 14 years and the divorce somewhere manageable for her.
Maybe you have both got swept away a little.
The music stuff sounds more like an identity crisis to me, as I said above, she needs to find out who she is, what she wants, what she likes...and doesn't like.
I don't think either of you sound at fault here - this is just life...and it can hurt and it can be difficult but, that doesn't mean someone HAS to be blamed for it.
You've done nothing wrong and neither has she but, after 14 years and no matter who you are, a person does need time.
Actually sorry but you sound far too full on! A bit like my own fella and he is driving me mad. You sound like you are taking over all the decisions and she wants independance i.e. the holiday the painting etc. Yes it is fantastic that you want to do all these things and less independant women would be delighted but she sounds like most women coming out of a long marriage and frightened 1) of going too fast and 2) repeating the same mistakes.
By the way did I miss the children in your post? Does she have kids?
Having said all that I hope it is good news but if not move on and cherish the time you have together and don't feel bitter and feel used. Relationships are never about using others