Wedding - Tardy Guests
thefairydandy
Posts: 3,235 Forum Member
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Hi all - it seems like we can't go a month without having a wedding dilemma on here, but I don't think this one's come up before, so here goes!
I'm due to be a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding in October, and I've taken the day off the Friday before, and am driving up on the Thursday night to help sort things out.
My brother lives nearby me (in Birmingham), and he's just told me he plans to drive up on the day after I offered him a lift. My brother is really bad at this sort of thing though! He was late to my graduation ceremony, and was sitting at the side rather than with the other guests. To make things worse, our mum indulges him in this sort of thing, so she waited til the last possible minute to come inside too (which made me a bit anxious, because I wanted my family to see it). My sister was furious with her for that (it was after all, supposed to be about me, not my brother and his tardiness).
I can forsee a big stress about it on the day - my sister is highly strung, and my mum is also already worked up about the whole thing. My mum has various stress disorders and can come down with anxiety attacks. I want to be firm with her on the day about being in place for my sister, not dithering about outside for my useless brother! Just for context, my brother was very sick as a child, and this makes him a sort of 'invalid-favourite' with her. Whereas he's actually a grown up 37yr old man who should be more than capable of looking after himself by now.
So, a few questions!
What do you think is the best way to tackle my brother and make it clear he has to arrive early? I don't want to be bridesmaidzilla about it, and I know that sometimes if you raise an issue with an unreliable person they accuse you of making a big deal of it.
Any tips on how to approach it with my mum? I have actually considered lying to her on the day - telling her he's already there to get her in her seat. She'll need firm but easy-going management on the day, which I think will fall to me, but I have my own stuff to sort out!
I don't want to ruin it for myself by stressing about it (I know it looks like I'm creating a problem which doesn't exist yet, but my brother is pathologically late, however important the occasion), I'm just trying to avoid making things hard for the couple. My sister was upset enough on my behalf that my brother was late for my graduation that she'll be very upset if the same happens at her wedding.
I'm due to be a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding in October, and I've taken the day off the Friday before, and am driving up on the Thursday night to help sort things out.
My brother lives nearby me (in Birmingham), and he's just told me he plans to drive up on the day after I offered him a lift. My brother is really bad at this sort of thing though! He was late to my graduation ceremony, and was sitting at the side rather than with the other guests. To make things worse, our mum indulges him in this sort of thing, so she waited til the last possible minute to come inside too (which made me a bit anxious, because I wanted my family to see it). My sister was furious with her for that (it was after all, supposed to be about me, not my brother and his tardiness).
I can forsee a big stress about it on the day - my sister is highly strung, and my mum is also already worked up about the whole thing. My mum has various stress disorders and can come down with anxiety attacks. I want to be firm with her on the day about being in place for my sister, not dithering about outside for my useless brother! Just for context, my brother was very sick as a child, and this makes him a sort of 'invalid-favourite' with her. Whereas he's actually a grown up 37yr old man who should be more than capable of looking after himself by now.
So, a few questions!
What do you think is the best way to tackle my brother and make it clear he has to arrive early? I don't want to be bridesmaidzilla about it, and I know that sometimes if you raise an issue with an unreliable person they accuse you of making a big deal of it.
Any tips on how to approach it with my mum? I have actually considered lying to her on the day - telling her he's already there to get her in her seat. She'll need firm but easy-going management on the day, which I think will fall to me, but I have my own stuff to sort out!
I don't want to ruin it for myself by stressing about it (I know it looks like I'm creating a problem which doesn't exist yet, but my brother is pathologically late, however important the occasion), I'm just trying to avoid making things hard for the couple. My sister was upset enough on my behalf that my brother was late for my graduation that she'll be very upset if the same happens at her wedding.
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Ring him very early the day of the wedding to make sure he is up and on his way in plenty of time...though of course there's always the possibility he could break down, there be a major hold up on the road etc etc.
Shit happens...and btw why it all "becomes about brother's tardiness" is because you & the others all make it that way.
That is a good idea, but I'm a bit cautious that I'd have to clue my sister in on this plan, and I think even the thought of it all going wrong would set her off.
My mother's side of the family are a bit of a powder keg in general, so I wonder if she'd rather I quietly took control of them rather than bother her with it.
In a selfish way, I don't want to have a stressful day managing them - I'm investing a bit of time and money into helping out and don't want to spend the day making sure aunt x doesn't talk to uncle y and so on. I guess if my sister's in a mood then it won't be much fun either though!
I did warn her that involving everyone would probably make it more stressful than it needed to be - after al this I think I'll go to Gretna myself!
I wasn't suggesting he take the Friday off, I was just checking that since I'm doing so I could give him a lift.
I found it hurtful that my mum was more worried about my brother arriving late then coming in to see me graduate. I fail to see how that is making stress for myself. I can easily forsee my sister getting VERY upset about our mum doing the same on her wedding day.
I agree that it doesn't have to be stressful, but I have already explained why it will be if it occurs. I'm trying to head off the stress of others - my mum's mental anxieties aren't just something I can magic away.
Also, unless there is a good reason, there is no excuse for him not to come up on the Friday to avoid a breakdown or traffic slowing him down. It's called personal responsibility and not spoiling your sister's wedding by being a moron.
Why would he be late to my graduation? No traffic, no breakdown, he just was. Normally because he simply doesn't set off on time. He likes to sleep late (and god know I know how that feels!), but that shouldn't mean he leaves late if it's important.
It's pathological on my mum's side of the family. Once we arranged to meet my uncle at 12pm. We knew he'd be late, so we only turned up at 1pm. He finally swanned in at 2pm. And no, we've never been late before, so he doesn't expect us to be late too.
My uncle also managed to be late three times during his dad's funeral - he was late to the house before, late getting from the house to the church and late getting from the church to the graveyard. All whilst his dementia afflicted mum was stressed, upset and confused by the whole thing.
Maybe he doesn't want to drive at night when he's tired after a days work...or maybe he doesn't want to have to spend any more time around the wedding hysteria/stress than he has to...
At the most, just say that it's important to your sister than he turns up on time but if he doesn't, then it reflects on him and it isn't your problem. Say the same to your mother, making it clear that you will be concentrating on your sister and her big day.
Sometimes people thrive on people fussing over what they do. It's like some form of attention seeking or control. It loses power if you leave them be responsible for themselves.
I know it will be hard for your sister to have to worry about them missing it or being late but surely your mother won't risk it.
There is no need for anyone to be late in the majority just pure laziness.
I just hope your brother shows some respect for a change.
You can probably have a stern chat with him and try and make him see how rude he is being but to me it seems a complete waste of time.
I would concentrate on keeping your mother happy and probably have a word with her to leave your brother to his own devices on the day, concentrate on her daughter etc. As for your bro I'd be really direct....something along the lines of 'Don't be a f**kwit, make sure you're there on time' and leave it all on him, don't give a long speech or pandering prep talk. Ultimately though he will arrive when he arrives, and think you already know he'll be late.
Get your mum sorted, he's a lost cause in all probabilities
Excuses, excuses!!
It's been pointed out that he makes a habit of being late.
Yes, there are times when things are beyond your control but if it's happening all the time then the simple answer is that the problems lies with the late comer.
He is what he is, leave him be. If he turns up great (don't fuss) if he doesn't - whatever.
Just concentrate on having a good time and don't worry about him. He clearly isn't worried or stressed. He's leaving that to you.
Yep, have to 100% agree with this. He's 37? Leave him alone. Tell him what time he should be there and the rest is up to him. Nobody else is responsible for him. It's not like the wedding won't happen without his presence is it?!
It does look like the best way is to either tackle my brother or tackle my mum. I think I'll suggest lying to him about the start time at least! Though to complicate things, my sister has a wedding website which has a timetable on it. We'd just have to lie about an extra family thing first I guess.
If I have a stern word with my brother and make sure he gets there early, then I wouldn't have to worry about my mum dithering around for him outside. I take your point kimindex - you wouldn't EXPECT a mum to do something so inconsiderate on her daughter's wedding day, but sadly I believe that's how my mum would respond.
If I tackled the mum-end of the problem, then my brother could still end up being late, but I guess my sister wouldn't have to feel inferior if my mum chose to dither around for my brother instead of being in place. After all, if he just arrives late that's simply exasperating, but if my mum makes her feel less loved or important by sticking around outside then that's really upsetting.
As a separate bit of context (which I'm happy to hear suggestions about but I really don't expect them - this situation's a bit too far gone to fix!), my mum is estranged from her other daughter, our other sister. She isn't coming to the church part of the wedding, but my sister is going to go to see her at a different hotel after the church ceremony and then join us at the reception venue. When my parents go home (for the 'party' bit of the evening), my sister will join us at the reception. Last time we attempted this kind of manoeuvre, it was one of the most stressful things I've ever experienced, so I don't want my brother compounding it!
It really would be a disaster if my mum and the estranged sister were to cross paths. I don't particularly want to go into why they're estranged - it's very complicated and the core of it is two highly strung people who through a series of sad events no longer speak and are both too proud and stubborn to sort it out.
EDIT I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of possible stresses that have been brought into this day, and I'm just trying to head the most manageable one off!
Is it a church wedding? You could say that you want immediate family at the front therefore they have to be there a bit earlier to get sat down before everyone else comes in? Make your mum feel like as mother of the bride she should be the first in, regardless of what your brother is doing?
I see your point that your brother is always late so you expect him to be late to the wedding but i think most of the issue is the mum. If hes late and misses it or sits at the back then thats his fault but your sister wouldnt like the thought of your mum missing it because shes busy fussing over your brother. Id say focus more on making sure your mum is in place. If need be have someone who can convince her to settle down and focus on the bride rather than chasing round her son.
I've thought about it for the last couple of days, and I think this really is the only option. We can try and load the dice to get my brother there on time, but it's keeping my mum in place that really counts. I can maybe deputise that to my boyfriend, who should be sitting on the front row (I think!), as I'll need to be outside at the start of the wedding with the bride, and it would look silly for a bridesmaid to dash in last minute to get her mum seated at the front!
My mum can be immensely difficult with the people close to her, but can be a real people pleaser to outsiders, so my boyfriend should be able to keep her happy and distracted.
The wedding is at 12pm in Windermere, and my brother and I live in Birmingham. It's a minimum of 3hr drive (he's a sensible driver and sticks to the limit), so realistically he'd need to be ready to leave by 9 (which is what you'd do if the meeting were more casual). If we say arrive at 11am, then I would personally set out at 7 (much as I'd hate it!). Actually, to be honest, I'd probably just come up the previous evening! Mind you, I think if I can't get away with eloping, I'm getting married late afternoon (but perhaps not telling my brother that
(Im a bit militaristic!)