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Should I tell my Mum she upsets me or not bother?
My Mum is absolutely doing my head in!
We haven't got on very well for years but and we actually live miles away from me so I don't see her that often.
She just treats me soooo differently to everybody else. She just cannot give a compliment to me to save her life.
For instance she came to my house on Saturday night after we had treated them to a meal out - for coffee and cake and to see my newly refurbished bathroom.
Now seriously this bathroom is like a work of art and she just sort of walked in and went "hmmm - very nice" at it while my Dad raved on and on about how brilliant it was.
Then she had a look at the bedroom that we had decorated but declined to say anything about that - my Dad again raved on about it.
I had just got a new Baby Grand Piano too and I decided not to even say anything about that after the reaction over the bathroom but my Dad insisted he wanted to see it and wanted to hear my play.
So we all trouped into the dining room and my Dad raved on and on about the piano while she never said a word.
I played a really comlicated chopin piece - seriously it's ever so hard - and ALL the way throuhg my mum never shut up "is this piece called "the morning"?? ... i'm sure it's called "the morning" - is it called that - do you know?" on and on!
When i had finished playing my Dad (bless him) raved on and on about the piano and my playing but again not a word from her.
Okay - that might be great and just the way she is but when we were at my daughter's house last night and it was the first time she had seen it and it was all "ohh darling, how gorgeous - ohhhh - this is lovely - this is so fantasic - oh look at your lovely wallpaper" etc etc all night!
It was the same at my daughter's engagement party - my daughter was told that she looked absolutely gorgeous and I was just told that it was "unusual" to see me in any colour but black...
... okay maybe it was my daughter's night and she should have the limelight - fair enough - but at my own wedding a couple of years ago my daughter was told she looked "gorgeous absolutely gorgeous" and I was told "they did a good job altering your dress didn't they?"
Am I just a dog who is rubbish at decorating or is she incapable of giving me a compliment - I am finding it really really REALLY hard to not say anything!!!!
Funny enough she never stops moaning that her own mum was EXACTLY the same with her but can't see it in herself!!! :mad:
What should I do - just suck it up? If I ever confront her she gets really upset and cries! : (
We haven't got on very well for years but and we actually live miles away from me so I don't see her that often.
She just treats me soooo differently to everybody else. She just cannot give a compliment to me to save her life.
For instance she came to my house on Saturday night after we had treated them to a meal out - for coffee and cake and to see my newly refurbished bathroom.
Now seriously this bathroom is like a work of art and she just sort of walked in and went "hmmm - very nice" at it while my Dad raved on and on about how brilliant it was.
Then she had a look at the bedroom that we had decorated but declined to say anything about that - my Dad again raved on about it.
I had just got a new Baby Grand Piano too and I decided not to even say anything about that after the reaction over the bathroom but my Dad insisted he wanted to see it and wanted to hear my play.
So we all trouped into the dining room and my Dad raved on and on about the piano while she never said a word.
I played a really comlicated chopin piece - seriously it's ever so hard - and ALL the way throuhg my mum never shut up "is this piece called "the morning"?? ... i'm sure it's called "the morning" - is it called that - do you know?" on and on!
When i had finished playing my Dad (bless him) raved on and on about the piano and my playing but again not a word from her.
Okay - that might be great and just the way she is but when we were at my daughter's house last night and it was the first time she had seen it and it was all "ohh darling, how gorgeous - ohhhh - this is lovely - this is so fantasic - oh look at your lovely wallpaper" etc etc all night!
It was the same at my daughter's engagement party - my daughter was told that she looked absolutely gorgeous and I was just told that it was "unusual" to see me in any colour but black...
... okay maybe it was my daughter's night and she should have the limelight - fair enough - but at my own wedding a couple of years ago my daughter was told she looked "gorgeous absolutely gorgeous" and I was told "they did a good job altering your dress didn't they?"
Am I just a dog who is rubbish at decorating or is she incapable of giving me a compliment - I am finding it really really REALLY hard to not say anything!!!!
Funny enough she never stops moaning that her own mum was EXACTLY the same with her but can't see it in herself!!! :mad:
What should I do - just suck it up? If I ever confront her she gets really upset and cries! : (
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Dont say it when its actually happening , say it when you are in a good mood and say it without anger .Tell her how you have noticed it and tell her its like her own mother
I would be shocked if mine told me this and would bristle maybe , but it would sink in later and I hope I would try my best to remedy it
Yes , give it a shot .,Its worth it and you may regret it if you dont .Meantime tell your Dad you appreciate his support , he will like that .
A classic my Mum did was she came to see me 2 days after the birth of my daughter, knowing what my Mum is like I said "Mum just to say I've put on a lot of weight and am quite sensitive about it so can we just not mention it" Mum walks in the door sits down and says "oooh you have put on a lot of weight haven't you" I said "mum, I even asked you not to say anything" Her answer "well I've put on weight too" so I said "well I would never say anything about it" and her reply that defeats logic "well maybe you should!" - Seriously - she's crazy
To be honest if you do say anything your Mum will probably call you over-sensitive and say she hasn't been saying anything like that (if she's anything like my Mum and many others I know!) If I were you next time she says something that upsets you pick her up on it at the time, don't make it a big deal but just mention it.
I said this to my Mum and she looked at me and said "I know, I really am turning into Grandma - it's terrible isn't it"
My sister was like that, she would tell everyone but her kids how proud she is of them, Her children have no self esteem at all and its very sad.
I always praise my children and my friends and family.
OP I very much doubt she will ever change just take the praise from others and know that she probably is proud of you but because of maybe problems with her own mum, she just cant say it.
No advice or insights as such apart from that my mum appears to have gone from parent to attempting to be a somewhat critical friend and not figured out the consequences. I do know that when I have shot back at her she's backed away - for years she was cruel about my weight and when I told her the reasons why she stopped but conversely is very scathing about an uncle who teases his daughter forgetting she was the same with me for years.
I'd suggest that next time she finds it hard to pay a compliment then tell her she's turning into her mother and ask if it really is so hard to be honest. Do you think she's jealous of your nice things perhaps and this is her way of trying to keep you grounded? Can you talk to your dad - it does seem to me that, like my dad, he is trying to make up for her short falls.
Thanks for your replies - it's nice to know other people's mothers drive them mental too!
There is no way I could ever get my Dad on side - he absolutely ADORES her and there is no way she does anything wrong in his eyes so would never get any support there!
I'm worried mostly that it will result in a big row - she often "finishes" with me in a row and says that's it she's had enough of me - blah blah - (she's quite a drama queen) but also worried that if I moan at her then everything she does ever say nice (which is not a lot) will seem "false" afterwards if you know what I mean?
I'm sure that my brother interferes sometimes too - I was complaining to him that she sends my daughter texts that say things like "I really miss you and think about you every day" whereas I get things like "are you getting your washing dry in this weather?"...
.. then a few days after I had moaned at him I got one from her that said she missed me - I am sure he said something!!!!
She adores him by the way - "golden balls" we call him - he can't put a foot wrong and is no. 1 son all the time!!!!! :rolleyes:
And two days before my wedding she was in a foul mood so said that she thought I was going to look hideous in my dress (!!!) and then on the day of the wedding, didn't pay me any compliments but moaned on and on about how my aunt had said that she was going to wear a big, fancy hat and upstage her as mother of the bride and she couldn't believe how she could say such a thing. Pot. Kettle. Black.
It's very, very hard and I do sympathise but at the end of the day and no matter how horrid this sounds, I've put it down to envy. Does your mum play the piano? If she doesn't, her unwillingness to compliment you may be down to the fact that she wishes she did play the piano especially to your standard and whereas dads are overcome with pride for their daughter, it's the stubborn sort of pride that prevents your mum from saying anything. Almost like admitting that because you're good at something it's some sort of failure in her own life because she couldn't achieve anything similar.
Chin up, and just remember that you're surrounded by others who think you are wonderful and that deep down she is proud of you and she does love you, it's just very hard for her to admit but I'm sure that when she's with other people she talks about you and how well you play and how beautiful your house is. It's just a shame they can't show that side to us!
Ive not had a row with my children since they were adults.
Can you not take a step back and not be drawn into a row?
Sometimes you can't help it - I rarely row with my mother and I let an awful lot go but there are certain things that I will not let go - when we decided to get hitched in Italy and have a small wedding she was horrible to me, told me she'd lost interest in the wedding (wish she bloody well had, might have had some peace then) - got very spiteful with things she said to me and was really awful and so I pulled her up on it - like Quinies mum, she's a bit of a drama queen and sometimes you have to pull them up on it.
Well I've never had a row with my own daughter if that is any help - she is 23 now and I am 40.
I have taken steps back - for YEARS - but it's really getting to me and I am cutting her out more and more and finding excuses to see her less and less which is sad really!
Not everyone has it as easy maybe as you . The OP has enough reason to argue and say her piece .
Agree with Charlie Coo, I think actually I've rowed with my mum once, 15 years ago and that was all to do with my wedding and letting go issues. Not all parents are even handed at any age, or in fact the children as shown by the responses to the OP's request for advice.
I honeslty dont think she realises what she is, or not saying.
couldnt you sit down over a cuppa, chat away and then just drop one example into the conversation, for instance, so what do you think of the bathroom, no more just one. give her a chance to actually say something.Then if she says yes it is lovely, you could say how surprised you were when she first saw it and was non commital.
Am wondering if a touch of jealousy, what is her house like?
goos luck am sure she love you to bits really:)
Yes that is very sad,
Ive never really rowed with mine just teen disagreements really, never row with my own mum when older and she was a nasty bit of work,
I disowned her in the end but because of what she did to me as a kid and denied as it wasn't good for my mental health.
What about if you both went on a pampering break for a weekend and have a heart to heart, or do things like that only happen in films?
Blimey - if you stuck us together for a weekend I reckon we would end up killing each other!!! :eek:
That's a nice idea
Well it's one way of solving the problem
I never got cuddles or anything and if I was naughty she said she was going to leave me and go to Canada (her sister stays there)
Dad found me crying one night but I wouldn't tell him what was wrong.
Funnily enough Dad used to go out with her sister who is far more outgoing but when he got together with Mum her father warned him about her temper but he thought he could handle it.
At my wedding Dad told me he loved me ( I think he had a few) That is all I wanted to know
My mother is the same.
She will never change.
In truth she is a bit of a cold fish and material things are much more important to her than peoples feelings.
For that reason I help her if she needs it, but rarely spend any time with her, unless other family members are around to make it less awkward.
I'd advise youi focus on your family who do appreciate and respect you.
and worse! Whereas my brother and sister in law she couldnt praise highly enough even though she saw them less than once a month and I was there every day! I thought she cared about them more than me!
But when she died I found a letter to me personally and now I know it was just her way of letting off steam, she was lonely and frustrated and had no one to moan to and it was her pressure valve to irritate me - but she loved me deeply and in fact I was closer to her than my brother.........
Sometimes its BECAUSE we feel so close to someone that we feel comfortable in being irritating and dont have to put on airs and graces!
I never said anything to my own mum and wish now I had - I think you should get her on her own some day and just ask her why she does this - but be prepared as she will probably say she wasnt aware of it - tell her that you get a bit hurt sometimes!
The nearest I got to telling my own mum was to ask her if she was disappointed in me - and she looked horrified and said that she was VERY proud of me - and your mum probably is too - she just doesnt like showing it!
LOL when I posted mine above I hadnt read yours properly! I see you have had nearly the same experience as me! My mums friend said she didnt stop talking about me!
OK you are understandably proud of your nice new bathroom........but a "work of art"?? Who did you commission to design it....Michelangelo? And could not the Baby Grand piano simply be left at 'a piano'? From these descriptions you appear to have aspirations typical of nouveau riche which many people, possibly your Mum included, find distasteful.
On the other hand you appear to be extremely close and fond of your Dad. That comes across very clearly in the way you talk about him and how you relish him 'raving on' about your 'work of art' Bathroom and your masterly playing of such 'a complicated Chopin piece' on your new 'Baby Grand' piano. Can you see a pattern beginning to emerge?
He pays you the attention and compliments which you like and revel in, whilst your Mum pays very little. Maybe she has tired of his fawning over you? Maybe even feels a little envy?
You ask what you should you do...so I will leave you with one thought to mull over. Keep the peace with your Mum and treat her exactly the same you treat your Dad. She won't be around forever.......and one day it may be too late and you never ever know what the future holds for you. One day you may even find yourself needing her.
Thanks for that - now I'm crying at work - just the perils of posting on an open forum I expect!
Why shouldn't I want my Mum to be as proud of me as my Dad - I did every scrap of the work in the bathroom myself and made all the curtains and blinds and did all the plumbing etc and I have played piano for 30 years and finally FINALLY got enough money saved to have got a new piano!
if you think that's boastful so be it - I LOVE it when my daughter saves for things that she wants - my Mum has plenty and gets plenty and her house is every bit as posh as mine and she has spent THOUSANDS on her hobbies over the years - gardens and sewing machines etc! : (
HARSH!!!! and unnecessarily unpleasant post IMO :mad: So the OP is proud of her bathroom and her Baby Grand? Is that the crime of the century? I didn't read the OP as boastful at all. Just a woman who wants her mum to be proud of her. And what is wrong with that?
OP, my mum was the same and my dad overcompensated as a result. It is very hard and I can understand why you are upset. I suggest you have a word with Dad and see if he knows why she does this?
To be fair, I think the OP told us those details to emphasise that this wasn't just a paint job in the bathroom or that she was playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on a plastic keyboard!
And even she was would it kill her mother to humour her and say something nice?
My father is always doing renovations on his house and it's like a work of art to him because it's something he planned and created himself, nothing wrong with taking pride in hard work and a job well done!! And he got a baby grand a few years back, very proud of it too!
And it's unlikely she was like "Oh mother, come back and see my work of art bathroom and then I'll play a very complicated piece on my new baby grand - because I'm just so talented"
To the Op,
My granny was exactly the same to my mother, obsessed with clothes and looks and "I was never as fat as you when I was young" and so on, some people are just like that, it's hard but it's not just you!
Of course you want your Mum to be just as proud of you as your Dad. Nothing wrong with that. And now I know you fitted your own bathroom and play a piano......I too would be proud of you! See where i'm coming from?
I have a sister but we are 'chalk 'n cheese'. She holds the material things in life as very important. Big house with oddly enough, a Baby Grand piano,(:rolleyes:) and drives a BMW with personal plates......sorry but more :rolleyes::rolleyes:!!
I have a car (ok it's a Focus Ghia 1.8) but to me it's simply 'a car' and no I don't have daft plates on, just the 02 registration to show how terribly 'old' it is! Oh and I live in a house with a cheap guitar which I can't even play!
OK I consider myself lucky in that I had a fantastic Mum who sadly is no longer around. But that's why you really need to think about what I wrote in that last paragraph. Even if it means bending over backwards to 'accommodate' your Mum......do it, because one day you may well need her.