It is possible that the daughter over exaggerated or misread the situation though. I'm not saying she did just that it was possible.
It would also be wise to remember that in 30 years time the OP's daughter might be in the same position as the OP is in today. Would the OP be happy for her daughter to dis own her?
Dis own a family member? sure, but your mother? only when everything else has failed.
It's a strong gut instinct, but also the fact that my daughter will happily let other people babysit her. She's had several different babysitters over the years and not had a problem with any of them except my Mother. I read her diary last year
( i know I know, but she's only 9, I wont do it when she's 16! ) and there were a number of diary entries about Nanna not being very nice etc. and I am always going to be influenced by my own childhood experiences with her as a Mother. When I was a child, she would regularly tell me that she wished I'd never been born, that having me ruined her life and that that she didn't like/love me. She mellowed a little over the years, with occasional flashes of her old self; but I really thought that me becoming a Mother might help her to moderate her behaviour. When my daughter was crying on Friday after trying to whisper that she didn't want Nanna to babysit, my Mother said 'it's all your fault that this has happened, you're not a nice little girl are you ?'... it was my Mother's unkind, aggressive reaction that freaked me out. If she'd just sat my daughter down and asked her what the problem was, given her a hug, spoken to her like a normal person, it could have been resolved quite quickly. She's a 9 year old kid, not an adult with a chip on her shoulder !
From what the op said the daughter never made a big deal out of it the Grandmother did. The OP has also said that she recognises the treatment dished out to her daughter as she had years of it!
I understand it should be a last ditch thing to disown a family member, but them distressing and picking on my child would be it for me.
I understand where you are coming from, but from what iv'e read there have been no attempts to resolve the situation at all apart from floating the idea of disowning her mother. It should be a last attempt not a first attempt.
Maybe letting her know that you are considering the idea of disowning her may make her sit up and realise or even tell it to her straight and exactly what you think of her actions. At least then the OP could be happy that they have done everything possible.
I understand where you are coming from, but from what iv'e read there have been no attempts to resolve the situation at all apart from floating the idea of disowning her mother. It should be a last attempt not a first attempt.
Maybe letting her know that you are considering the idea of disowning her may make her sit up and realise or even tell it to her straight and exactly what you think of her actions. At least then the OP could be happy that they have done everything possible.
This sort of scenario has occured on numerous occasions though and I have ( perhaps rather naively ) always tried to sort it out. This time I didn't bother getting on the phone straightaway because it is always up to me, ( to pick up the phone and sort it out, when it's invariably her fault ) ... when all this drama was happening, Mum told me that it was best we leave, despite it being a 4 hour drive from her house to ours and that we wouldn't be able to stay in a hotel ( it was half 7 in the evening and we had our dog with us ) .. y'know, maybe this is the proverbial straw to break the camels back.
My sister phoned today to see how we were again and I tried to extract some information out of her. She admitted that my Mother and youngest sis had blamed my eldest daughter and said that she's 'not normal' ( she's a typical 9 yr old girl in every way in my humble opinion ) and I'm just not sure that I ought to tolerate this sort of slur about my daughter. My daughters will always always come first. My sister understand totally. She lives with the woman and has learnt how to deal with her bullying ways. She humours her and ignores it. She will just agree with her to shut her up.
But I'm not designed that way. I can't do that. I think my Mother behaves the way she does because other people have allowed the behaviour to continue. My youngest sister is her biggest apologist.
Good advice, thanks everyone.
I feel as though I've had more than enough of it. I'm 36 and have put up with sarcasm, passive aggression, unkind judgmental comments, even physical stuff in the past ( like her shoving me- she shoved my sister in a Nando's restaurant during our last visit)
I just can't cope with her. I haven't felt close to her since I was 11 and my Dad died. She was too busy crying over my Dad- which she continued to do for several years after his death, to notice me and wonder if I too was suffering after losing my Father. She still talks about Dad like he passed away last week, not 26 years ago. She never moved on. I think she likes to wallow in misery. She has no friends and never had a relationship or friendship with anyone of the opposite sex after Dad died. She lives through her children and my youngest sister is her biggest apologist. She makes excuses all the time for Mum's behaviour and my Mother and youngest sister regularly bully my other sister, who is 34 but treated like a 12 year old.
I hate the favouritism because it reminds me of my childhood. I was the eldest and regularly felt like Mum's emotional punchbag. I remember, when I got my first proper boyfriend aged 17, ( which was a chaste romance btw ) her telling me that 'it serves you right if you get Aids!'
I know she wont change. The only persons attitude I can alter is my own.
Your childhood sounds very like mine. I now see my mum as little as possible and haven't been in contact with her for ages. Don't stand for this kind of behaviour. You need to protect your children from her. She won't change and you need to remind yourself of this.
This sort of scenario has occured on numerous occasions though and I have ( perhaps rather naively ) always tried to sort it out. This time I didn't bother getting on the phone straightaway because it is always up to me, ( to pick up the phone and sort it out, when it's invariably her fault ) ... when all this drama was happening, Mum told me that it was best we leave, despite it being a 4 hour drive from her house to ours and that we wouldn't be able to stay in a hotel ( it was half 7 in the evening and we had our dog with us ) .. y'know, maybe this is the proverbial straw to break the camels back.
My sister phoned today to see how we were again and I tried to extract some information out of her. She admitted that my Mother and youngest sis had blamed my eldest daughter and said that she's 'not normal' ( she's a typical 9 yr old girl in every way in my humble opinion ) and I'm just not sure that I ought to tolerate this sort of slur about my daughter. My daughters will always always come first. My sister understand totally. She lives with the woman and has learnt how to deal with her bullying ways. She humours her and ignores it. She will just agree with her to shut her up.
But I'm not designed that way. I can't do that. I think my Mother behaves the way she does because other people have allowed the behaviour to continue. My youngest sister is her biggest apologist.
It does seem as you have tried everything which is to your credit. Maybe it is the right time to cut ties and move on.
If you choose that path try and keep out of the mud sligging and tit for tat that normally accompanies family feuds. Good luck with what ever you decide.
Walk away, no question. If all she's giving you grief, negativity and general misery she's simply not worth it. If she's upsetting your kids as well, then that's even more a reason to cut ties with her.
If life hasn't worked well for her then that's her own fault, she's doing it to herself, she can change it if she wants to! It doesn't give her the right to drag other people down with her. As a last resort, give her an ultimatum, either she sorts herself out or you cut ties with her.
Life's too short to be bothered with people like that, mother or not. There's better things to be doing with life than dealing with a bitter and twisted old woman.
Sorry but this maybe harsh, but then it's harsh on you if you continue to put up with her, and at the age of 72 it's probably too late for her to change anyway. Whatever happens, either way harshness is going to be in the equation.
Was your mother always mean to you? I assume that you had a good relationship with your dad and perhaps your mum was jealous of that. If her personality is a self centred one perhaps she blames you for being the first to come along and take the spotlight of her.
I think you need to put your children first as I feel your mum sees being devisive with your children as a way to hurt you. I am afraid your poor 9 year old is just collateral damage!
This sort of scenario has occured on numerous occasions though and I have ( perhaps rather naively ) always tried to sort it out. This time I didn't bother getting on the phone straightaway because it is always up to me, ( to pick up the phone and sort it out, when it's invariably her fault ) ... when all this drama was happening, Mum told me that it was best we leave, despite it being a 4 hour drive from her house to ours and that we wouldn't be able to stay in a hotel ( it was half 7 in the evening and we had our dog with us ) .. y'know, maybe this is the proverbial straw to break the camels back.
My sister phoned today to see how we were again and I tried to extract some information out of her. She admitted that my Mother and youngest sis had blamed my eldest daughter and said that she's 'not normal' ( she's a typical 9 yr old girl in every way in my humble opinion ) and I'm just not sure that I ought to tolerate this sort of slur about my daughter. My daughters will always always come first. My sister understand totally. She lives with the woman and has learnt how to deal with her bullying ways. She humours her and ignores it. She will just agree with her to shut her up.
But I'm not designed that way. I can't do that. I think my Mother behaves the way she does because other people have allowed the behaviour to continue. My youngest sister is her biggest apologist.
Your mother is a bully who bullies children. Stick to your guns and have NO MORE of it. Dont get your Mother to babysit your children any more.
There comes a point when you realise that a person can't change - you can only change how you react to them.
It's tremendously sad when one's mother displays few maternal traits and it's even worse when she actively tries to sow disharmony amongst her family. My mother has tried this for many years but fortunately me and my brothers and sister were on to her at an early age and didn't allow it to happen.
I suspect it's far too late for the OP and her sisters. But she should definitely protect her children from this nastiness. How she does that is up to her, but her children have to be her first priority.
Nobody needs this kind of behaviour in their lives, and yes, I do agree she proabably does have a personailty disorder.
It would take a mental health professional several sessions to come to anything like this conclusion. Sometimes people are mean and bitter, it doesnt mean they have a disorder.
To the OP, people behave towards you how you let them behave towards you and for years it seems your mum has been allowed to get away with completely unreasonable behaviour. I don't know about cutting all ties, it is pretty drastic, but you could stay away for a while to let her see there are consequences to her actions. If she is drinking more than is good for her its possible somewhere deep down she wants help and it may even be good for her to be shaken up.
Writing her a letter explaining you side of things is also a good idea.
If she writes a letter she can explain how she feels about their family and her mother's behaviour without a confrontation and her mother can read it repeatedly. Expecting people to be psychic does not achieve or change anything, and change is the key here.
I wouldn't walk away - but I would back off and restructure the sort of occasions when you see your mother. Someone else suggested going down to visit without the kids on the next couple of occasions. If your mother queries it you can be quite honest and say that the last visit was too upsetting for them. You could ask her to visit you at your house where you have more control - or go and stay with your sister and just meet up in a public place for lunch where she'd be less likely to act up.
I would keep up birthday and christmas cards.
One of the things that struck me is your clear hurt that your mother was grieving so much for your father than you felt abandoned and neglected - it's easy for that sort of deeply embedded resentment to affect relationships. You may benefit from some counselling yourself to work through those feelings - it may be easier to deal with her if you can forgive her for that - not for her benefit, for yours. I say this tentatively but it may be that you are inadvertantly communicating your own issues with your mother to your daughter.
I don’t think you should bring your children next time you do a duty visit to your mum (as it doesn't sound very pleasant). Your children are dependent on you and should have a much higher priority than a parent if there is a conflict. I don't see why they should have to put up with her behaviour and the upset. They also deserve to know they are your main priority and concern.
Whether you decide to visit her alone is really down to how much her behaviouir impacts on you and whether you think it is worth it but I think it might be worth it to prevent a total breach & would observe the niceties such as birthday Xmas exchanges. That would hopefully mean that there would be less stress when family occassions occur which you all would want to attend. I think a total breach is almost more hassle than it is worth.
Comments
It's a strong gut instinct, but also the fact that my daughter will happily let other people babysit her. She's had several different babysitters over the years and not had a problem with any of them except my Mother. I read her diary last year
( i know I know, but she's only 9, I wont do it when she's 16! ) and there were a number of diary entries about Nanna not being very nice etc. and I am always going to be influenced by my own childhood experiences with her as a Mother. When I was a child, she would regularly tell me that she wished I'd never been born, that having me ruined her life and that that she didn't like/love me. She mellowed a little over the years, with occasional flashes of her old self; but I really thought that me becoming a Mother might help her to moderate her behaviour. When my daughter was crying on Friday after trying to whisper that she didn't want Nanna to babysit, my Mother said 'it's all your fault that this has happened, you're not a nice little girl are you ?'... it was my Mother's unkind, aggressive reaction that freaked me out. If she'd just sat my daughter down and asked her what the problem was, given her a hug, spoken to her like a normal person, it could have been resolved quite quickly. She's a 9 year old kid, not an adult with a chip on her shoulder !
I understand where you are coming from, but from what iv'e read there have been no attempts to resolve the situation at all apart from floating the idea of disowning her mother. It should be a last attempt not a first attempt.
Maybe letting her know that you are considering the idea of disowning her may make her sit up and realise or even tell it to her straight and exactly what you think of her actions. At least then the OP could be happy that they have done everything possible.
This sort of scenario has occured on numerous occasions though and I have ( perhaps rather naively ) always tried to sort it out. This time I didn't bother getting on the phone straightaway because it is always up to me, ( to pick up the phone and sort it out, when it's invariably her fault ) ... when all this drama was happening, Mum told me that it was best we leave, despite it being a 4 hour drive from her house to ours and that we wouldn't be able to stay in a hotel ( it was half 7 in the evening and we had our dog with us ) .. y'know, maybe this is the proverbial straw to break the camels back.
My sister phoned today to see how we were again and I tried to extract some information out of her. She admitted that my Mother and youngest sis had blamed my eldest daughter and said that she's 'not normal' ( she's a typical 9 yr old girl in every way in my humble opinion ) and I'm just not sure that I ought to tolerate this sort of slur about my daughter. My daughters will always always come first. My sister understand totally. She lives with the woman and has learnt how to deal with her bullying ways. She humours her and ignores it. She will just agree with her to shut her up.
But I'm not designed that way. I can't do that. I think my Mother behaves the way she does because other people have allowed the behaviour to continue. My youngest sister is her biggest apologist.
Your childhood sounds very like mine. I now see my mum as little as possible and haven't been in contact with her for ages. Don't stand for this kind of behaviour. You need to protect your children from her. She won't change and you need to remind yourself of this.
It does seem as you have tried everything which is to your credit. Maybe it is the right time to cut ties and move on.
If you choose that path try and keep out of the mud sligging and tit for tat that normally accompanies family feuds. Good luck with what ever you decide.
the link below might help shed some light
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-scapegoat.html
If life hasn't worked well for her then that's her own fault, she's doing it to herself, she can change it if she wants to! It doesn't give her the right to drag other people down with her. As a last resort, give her an ultimatum, either she sorts herself out or you cut ties with her.
Life's too short to be bothered with people like that, mother or not. There's better things to be doing with life than dealing with a bitter and twisted old woman.
Sorry but this maybe harsh, but then it's harsh on you if you continue to put up with her, and at the age of 72 it's probably too late for her to change anyway. Whatever happens, either way harshness is going to be in the equation.
I think you need to put your children first as I feel your mum sees being devisive with your children as a way to hurt you. I am afraid your poor 9 year old is just collateral damage!
Your mother is a bully who bullies children. Stick to your guns and have NO MORE of it. Dont get your Mother to babysit your children any more.
It's tremendously sad when one's mother displays few maternal traits and it's even worse when she actively tries to sow disharmony amongst her family. My mother has tried this for many years but fortunately me and my brothers and sister were on to her at an early age and didn't allow it to happen.
I suspect it's far too late for the OP and her sisters. But she should definitely protect her children from this nastiness. How she does that is up to her, but her children have to be her first priority.
It would take a mental health professional several sessions to come to anything like this conclusion. Sometimes people are mean and bitter, it doesnt mean they have a disorder.
To the OP, people behave towards you how you let them behave towards you and for years it seems your mum has been allowed to get away with completely unreasonable behaviour. I don't know about cutting all ties, it is pretty drastic, but you could stay away for a while to let her see there are consequences to her actions. If she is drinking more than is good for her its possible somewhere deep down she wants help and it may even be good for her to be shaken up.
Writing her a letter explaining you side of things is also a good idea.
I wouldn't walk away - but I would back off and restructure the sort of occasions when you see your mother. Someone else suggested going down to visit without the kids on the next couple of occasions. If your mother queries it you can be quite honest and say that the last visit was too upsetting for them. You could ask her to visit you at your house where you have more control - or go and stay with your sister and just meet up in a public place for lunch where she'd be less likely to act up.
I would keep up birthday and christmas cards.
One of the things that struck me is your clear hurt that your mother was grieving so much for your father than you felt abandoned and neglected - it's easy for that sort of deeply embedded resentment to affect relationships. You may benefit from some counselling yourself to work through those feelings - it may be easier to deal with her if you can forgive her for that - not for her benefit, for yours. I say this tentatively but it may be that you are inadvertantly communicating your own issues with your mother to your daughter.
Whether you decide to visit her alone is really down to how much her behaviouir impacts on you and whether you think it is worth it but I think it might be worth it to prevent a total breach & would observe the niceties such as birthday Xmas exchanges. That would hopefully mean that there would be less stress when family occassions occur which you all would want to attend. I think a total breach is almost more hassle than it is worth.