Get mad or get even?
I swore I would not fall out with my brother over selling my Mum's house but.....
We have discussed what to do about most things, not always agreed, but I gave in on some things and he gave in on others.
Now he has brought his wife in to help with the clearing and decorating and suddenly things are disappearing. Two large boxes of stuff I had packed up (but not sorted) disappeared last week. This week two cupboards full of Mum's linen (which I also hadn't looked at) have gone.This is after she said to me 'I'm not looking at clearing cupboards yet' - yes. she's the sort that takes charge.
Should I confront or just pack up everything I can and take it away?
We have discussed what to do about most things, not always agreed, but I gave in on some things and he gave in on others.
Now he has brought his wife in to help with the clearing and decorating and suddenly things are disappearing. Two large boxes of stuff I had packed up (but not sorted) disappeared last week. This week two cupboards full of Mum's linen (which I also hadn't looked at) have gone.This is after she said to me 'I'm not looking at clearing cupboards yet' - yes. she's the sort that takes charge.
Should I confront or just pack up everything I can and take it away?
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Once you've got a record you are in a position to negotiate at any time. Ultimately, I guess your legal position depends on the will.
However it's my belief (though I don't know) that the items have been taken to the dump as being worthless. In this case I have no chance of reclaiming them. I can only stop anything else from going missing.
i'd try and set some ground rules and advise that you'd like to go through everything and sort it before a decision is made whether to keep it or not.
as it's your relative, I doubt she'll have an issue with this!
good luck
dsns
You're worried about old linen?
Look, you are her daughter...
You know what in the house has true value both sentimental and actual - so identify those bits first.
Things might be a bit raw at the moment, but remind yourself do you really want a loft or garage stuffed with old bedsheets and towels - or items that are "done"? In a couple of years time you'll be wishing you'd taken it to the tip.
Just have a chat to your brother and his wife, so that you can pick out whatever you want to keep. There isnt a rush to sort all this out, is there?
Old linen? yes I suppose that's all it is to an outsider, certainly to my sister-in-law, who is a great declutterer. But there would have been stuff in there I wanted to keep- vintage stuff and sentimental stuff, and I should have had the choice.
So we are in June now and you have been sorting stuff since last year I imagine they are now cracking on with it to get ready to sell you can't blame them you have had a good while to go through things yourself if you wanted to by the sounds of it and that thread title doesn't make you sound pleasant when by the looks of it they are just trying to get the job done
Can you speak to her about it if you can't speak to your brother? Perhaps you can suggest that if they have gone through stuff, they put it to one side (maybe choose a room in the house) so you can check it before it goes out?
Selling asap is a good idea before the market changes so I can see why your brother might want to get this sorted. It may be he wants to move on (perhaps you don't feel as ready as him though?). I don't mean move on from your mum, but move on from her passing.
Its a hard thing to do, i imagine, going through your mums stuff. I think after 6 months you have to start paying council tax, dont you, so i expect your brother will want to make some progress. I am sure none of this was intended to upset you. Hence the comment about the thread title by TWS. have you got any keepsakes yet? What sbout her rings and things? I assume when the house is sold you will get your inheritance. You could use some of that to buy something to remember her by, or even by something for her church, say, if that would be appropriate.
I wonder how they will feel if I empty the remaining cupboards without a word?
Will they think I am just getting on with the job?
If wanting an equal say in what happens to my Mum's stuff makes me a bad person
I think I can live with that.
Try and stay on at least civil, if not on good terms and don't let it descend into a fallout when it doesn't need to. You've got to get through the sale with estate agents yet and all that malarkey.
I don't think you sound like a bad person but you are coming across as petulant as evidenced by your thread title you could just be a grown up and communicate with them. Perhaps at the time your SIL didn't have any intention of doing it but the jobs got done quicker than she thought and got ahead of herself. If you think they are being malicious again best speak to them about it or if you do t want to go In and take everything I doubt they will care as they clearly want the place cleaned out
On the sorting front come to an agreement that everything gets sorted into boxes and each box is clearly marked with a list of contents the other party then check against it.
Your boxes can have to keep to sort or to go on them that way everyone knows where you are with the sorting. if there are some things you really want say now don't bottle it up just say you would like to keep that item for whatever reason, your brother may have some items in mind that he wants as well.
Please don't fall out with them over these things I know you are hurting right now but I have seen a families fall out over such thing, treasure your Mothers memories and speak to your brother and sister in law, hope you can find a good compromise, wishing you all the best.
I doubt that! She will inherit my brother's estate if he pops his clogs before her so I think it more likely she is trying to help herself! If I wanted to help someone I would be asking them 'What can I do to help?' not just doing what I thought.
As for being petulant -well more like absolutely steaming mad would be closer to the truth. But it's heartening to see that some people on here would feel the same.
In the end I emptied the cupboards, threw out the junk, took what was mine and showed them what I had done, with instructions to take what they wanted and leave the rest to me, and that has worked. They have told me what they are doing as far as doing the place up goes. Very nice of them, but I might be doing a few things myself.
I just hope we can get through the sale alright. In answer to one poster, it wouldn't really matter if we fell out forever as we look at life very differently and the only time he has spoken to me for as long as I can remember is when there was an issue with Mum. Now she is gone I don't expect to see him after the house is sold.
Lets just say that two of us no longer will have anything to do with the other one.
She stole loads and when we had a chat to her about it all, it turned nasty.
I now would advise anyone to try and nip anything in the bud for the sake of family relationships, easier said than done though.
Lol!
It's in her interest in the long run to 'get the job done' irrespective of linens or shoes!
I never thought she was after my Mum's stuff.
My real issue is not that I might be missing out on something material, but rather that something which was my place to do had been hijacked by someone who was no blood relation to my Mum, and who really, judging by the comments she made recently on Mum's taste in decor, had no regard for her. It's plain disrespectful to me and to Mum's memory for her to be taking charge this way, although I concede my brother is no doubt complicit.
I can imagine all this would not make sense to the more pragmatic person, but I make no apology for having some sense of right and wrong.
One thing, though. I am now aware that I need to ditch as much of my stuff as I can over the next few years so that my children don't have to go through this when I shuffle off.
don't blame yourself for not wanting to get to grips with clearing your mums stuff. I know people leave their husband's/wife's stuff for years. But as your mum has a house that needs sorting, it has to be done, and probably your sil can do it without welling up during the process.
the only things that might really matter are her rings maybe, and hopefully you have sorted those fairly
sell the house, and buy yourself something with some of the money to really remember your mum by.
Perhaps just raise your kids better so they understand what's actually important and its not material things. My brother can have everything he could possible want when my mum passes as all I will want is her back and as I cant have that everything else is irrelevant. It amazes me how many families fall out and squabble over meagre belongings I see it all the time. We always quite the line "where there's a will there's a relative" as they all come out of the woodwork when you work in a care home looking to pick over the offerings like vultures
Once the house is cleared it can be sold, amd you can go your seperate ways- if you inherit some of the house money from your Mum, put it into your own house some way-new kitchen or bathroom of something, then you can say "thanks Mum" and she's helped you once again