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I think I've got deep depression but not sure how to overcome it
Im a 32 year old guy. I've always struggled with my sexuality but nearly two years ago I decided to act on it and start following my heart and start relationships with guys.
I have only come out to a handful of friends in this time, and my other friends dont know.
I basically have different sets of friends who know im gay and others that dont. I know people say well why dont you just come out to all but for after so long playing straight I cant seem to muster it up plus it doesn't really come into conversation.
i still live at home with parents, saving up for a flat. my parents dont know im dating men. i keep them firmly in the dark, they dont really know any of my friends, where i go and who i see. Ive never introduced them to a partner, female or obviously male. they have asked me in jest a few times if i am gay, i denied. Because I dont like being put on the spot like that. Unless their so naive they must know surely. I have sort of decided I dont want to come out to them until im seriously seeing a guy. I dont want to get kicked out lol
I really dont know how theyd react because they both use the throw away term of poofs to describe my brother in laws gay brother. ^_^ . I figure/hope this attitude would change if I came out.
It's just having too hide this significant part of who I am really gets me down, and makes me depressed every now and then. I try and avoid the friends who dont know im gay and tend to mostly see the ones who do know im gay. Plus I have alot of dates so my 'going out socially' nights are usually reserved with the guys I am going on dates with. Theres only so many times a week i want to go out drinking lol
Ive met some great guys in the last year, some who i really liked but it seems to crumble. Either because they seems to go flaky (i was dating a bisexual guy for a few months) . Not really ideal looking back. These failed 'relationships' also bother me.
All this combined with my job which has become such a rut and finding it difficult to find a new one just gets me so down. the company i work in is rather small and not much room for growth in my job anymore. I signed up to do a course a couple of years ago to learn a new career but then having all this emotional crap to deal with my interest and determination to finish it has wained and im struggling to get that energy back. I think i need some anti depressants or something to make me concentrate. I have thought about seeing my gp but i fear hell just tell me to snap out of it and think im stupid. I wish I could.
I am not the type who expresses their feelings easy and every now and again i do think about suicide especially on the odd days when i feel i have just had enough of everything. I get good days and bad.
Im just not sure where to go. I feel lost. I see on facebook alot of my friends have settled and seem happy and it just makes me bitter. I mean im a quite a good-looking guy and nice , apparently im told quite alot), , so it makes me crave what they have.
Has anyone experienced feelings of hopelessness like this?
I have only come out to a handful of friends in this time, and my other friends dont know.
I basically have different sets of friends who know im gay and others that dont. I know people say well why dont you just come out to all but for after so long playing straight I cant seem to muster it up plus it doesn't really come into conversation.
i still live at home with parents, saving up for a flat. my parents dont know im dating men. i keep them firmly in the dark, they dont really know any of my friends, where i go and who i see. Ive never introduced them to a partner, female or obviously male. they have asked me in jest a few times if i am gay, i denied. Because I dont like being put on the spot like that. Unless their so naive they must know surely. I have sort of decided I dont want to come out to them until im seriously seeing a guy. I dont want to get kicked out lol
I really dont know how theyd react because they both use the throw away term of poofs to describe my brother in laws gay brother. ^_^ . I figure/hope this attitude would change if I came out.
It's just having too hide this significant part of who I am really gets me down, and makes me depressed every now and then. I try and avoid the friends who dont know im gay and tend to mostly see the ones who do know im gay. Plus I have alot of dates so my 'going out socially' nights are usually reserved with the guys I am going on dates with. Theres only so many times a week i want to go out drinking lol
Ive met some great guys in the last year, some who i really liked but it seems to crumble. Either because they seems to go flaky (i was dating a bisexual guy for a few months) . Not really ideal looking back. These failed 'relationships' also bother me.
All this combined with my job which has become such a rut and finding it difficult to find a new one just gets me so down. the company i work in is rather small and not much room for growth in my job anymore. I signed up to do a course a couple of years ago to learn a new career but then having all this emotional crap to deal with my interest and determination to finish it has wained and im struggling to get that energy back. I think i need some anti depressants or something to make me concentrate. I have thought about seeing my gp but i fear hell just tell me to snap out of it and think im stupid. I wish I could.
I am not the type who expresses their feelings easy and every now and again i do think about suicide especially on the odd days when i feel i have just had enough of everything. I get good days and bad.
Im just not sure where to go. I feel lost. I see on facebook alot of my friends have settled and seem happy and it just makes me bitter. I mean im a quite a good-looking guy and nice , apparently im told quite alot), , so it makes me crave what they have.
Has anyone experienced feelings of hopelessness like this?
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Regarding the other matters going on in your life, had you considered getting some professional counselling to help you with the issues that you are currently having to deal with?
It might take a few months but if you seek out the appropriate help then you could have an appreciably better quality of life. Good luck!
Totally agree with your post 100% TelevisionUser. I wish you all the best mizhog in dealing with your situation. Please remember your not alone and loads of men and woman have gone through your situation help is out there.
If your parents are joking/hinting at your sexuality then they probably know and are okay with it. Only you can know if this is likely. I would be cautious in telling them while you live at home as it could get ugly. It shouldn't be like this but social conditioning affects us all, better to have some distance and your own place before you tell them. You should tell them at some stage though. No point living a lie.
With the bitterness towards straight friends settling down that's social conditioning again. You need to break it and live your life for who you want to be not what everyone else appears to have. A lot of those couples will be divorcing in a few years because the concept of wife and kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. When people get a bit older they realise life is too short to conform. Some of them form secret gay relationships or cruise for gay sex on the quiet. Is that worth feeling envious of? At least you are free to be yourself.
There is no easy way to fit into a society when you are in a sexual minority. You just have to choose your battles, take the path of least resistance sometimes and try not to mentally beat yourself up over everything.
Just remember you are in a state of transition from an old life to a new one and that can be unsettling. It hopefully won't always be that way for you. Good luck.
This. While you may indeed need to take antidepressants, if only on a temporary basis, please don't assume they will solve all your problems. It seems to me that at least part of your problem is that you're trying to live an adult life while still living with your parents. That's enough to cause most people stress, whether gay or straight.
I wonder if it would help to talk to others on this forum?
Wishing you well mizhog.
This must have been quite a step for you, to write down these things for others to see when you are fundamentally a private person.
Yes you do have a lot going on and seem to be trying to work out what you want and worrying that even when you have, your choices might not be easily accepted.
My son has also at times looked at his life and felt he is lagging behind but I tell him, life is a complete book, not a single chapter. In this chapter you face challenges and have worries about acceptance, frustration and all along with these things, all the other little and enormous things we face each day.
It is YOUR life though and you are entitled to make your own choices about who and how much anyone is allowed to share of it. Maybe the trick is to be ok with your choices, to work on that and stuff everyone else for the time being.
Honey your doctor won't say snap out of it, he/she will in all probability ask you to complete a questionnaire to assess if and how depressed you are. On the results of that, will offer you some kind of treatment.
Also, who says you have to share this part of yourself? And it is a part! Your sexuality is a piece of your jigsaw, a bit you aren't ready to share with everyone, that's alright. Think about the bits of themselves your parents and friends choose not to share with you, do these omissions make you love them any less or do you accept, maybe we all like to keep parts of ourselves for some and not others.
You are much stronger than you think, a hero in fact! You've dealt with all these feelings alone but now like the very clever man you are think it's time to get some support to balance the load. You've begun by sharing a little here and I don't doubt you've done that after some thought. I hope you feel supported enough to take the next step and see someone.
Big love. xx
Life's too short to live a lie. There's really no right time to talk about this with people, but sooner rather than later would probably be more beneficial to your overall wellbeing.