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My so-called Friend :(
RealityRocks
Posts: 4,215 Forum Member
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I am feeling a bit low because my so-called friend has really disappointed me over the last year or so and this Christmas I feel it has come to a head.
Bit of background: I've known her and her boyfriend since Uni, for about 8 years now, along with my husband.
Once we'd all graduated we all got jobs and rented houses. I thought things were on the up for us. But whilst my husband and I have climbed the ranks into upper management (through very hard work!) in one company, both our friends have gone from low level job to low level job on minimum wage, constantly moaning how unfair life is, etc. I think this is where the issues started because before long the little snipes started 'well you can afford x or y'. They seem to think because they have a degree they're owed 30k a year, despite never staying in a job for over 6 months.
We married in 2009 and our friends were best man and bridesmaid. The guy became more and more distant, saying he 'didn't like weddings/marriages' (we put this down to his parents messy divorce). As most of the wedding was planned we didn't want to make him feel awkward, so we let it be. As my friend the bridesmaid was skint (she'd quit her last job months previously) I paid for her hair, nails, shoes, accessories etc as a gift, and bought her and my other bridesmaid a silver & diamond necklace to say thankyou.
To say they acted rudely on our wedding day is an understatement. It started when I was getting ready. My bridesmaid turned up with no make-up (expecting me to supply it), having not even had a shower (she had one in my honeymoon suite before I'd even seen it myself). I asked her not to touch my veil as it was specially shipped from Canada and had hand glued crystals on it, the instructions said to separate the layers with a warm hairdryer so as not to pull them off. She ignored me and whilst I was getting my hair done ripped the layers apart, along with lots of crystals, luckily it was un-noticable in the photos but I was unable to gift the veil to another friend who was to be married a few months later.
At the wedding she had a fight with her boyfriend (best man) when our Priest joked 'aren't you married then!?' and the best man managed to take offence. Because he didn't drop down on one knee and propose there and then the bridesmaid went into a strop and refused to speak to anyone (ANYONE!) for the rest of the day, including the evening do!
They were supposed to hand out our guest book to be signed - they didn't, but she wrote something spiteful and rude in it herself. She had offered to man the video camera - we got 5 minutes of wobbly shots of my head as I danced!? (she claims she is an expert with a video camera. Thank God I got professional photos).
They didn't give us a wedding gift or card, instead weeks later she gave me a half finished tapestry which she 'hadn't got around to completing' (we were engaged for a year!). When my husband and I retired to our room after the evening do, they knocked on the door (we were understandably busy!!) as they'd left their room key/bags in our suite.
The day after the wedding our guests had to help us with all our belongings at the hotel, because our best man and bridesmaid had made up (of sorts, apparently they still refused to speak to anyone at breakfast) and gone to a garden centre sale. They hadn't even said goodbye.
I was so upset with our friends for their selfishness that our friendship remained friendly for the sake of politeness rather than ever the same as it was. She came to me for advice about a year ago as she said that they were having 'personal (bed) problems'. I advised her to see a counsellor which she did and still does. Apparently he refuses to marry her as he 'hates weddings' and says a joint bank account is a bigger commitment than a marriage. As she is Catholic she can't physically be intimate as she doesn't feel it's right and she doesn't want children out of wedlock. I feel for her but they are so unsuited as a couple, and have turned both so thoroughly selfish, that's why I suggested she got some professional help because I didn't think I'd be able to advise her fairly.
Anyway fast forward to August and I've happily discovered I am pregnant. After telling my family I text a few friends the happy news. She calls me to say how happy she is and how she'll babysit and knit bootees and all sorts. I start to think..oh..Ok...suddenly you want to be involved, but OK, it's nice she's so happy for us. Her boyfriend never even texted back, in fact my husband and I have been married 18 months and he has spoken to us once since the wedding.
In the last 5 months my so called friend has contacted me about 5 or 6 times, and looking back, each time, she wanted something. She contacts me when it's her birthday so I'll send her a card or bring over a cake/wine. She's contacted me for references for jobs. She's asked me for scanned photos of her and her boyfriend at our wedding, because she didn't want to pay our photographer the copy fee (even though in each picture, they have a face like thunder). She has asked me for jobs 'but only over 25k' (she's on benefits having quit her job on a fruit stall in the market due to the early starts). Ethically I'd be in hot water if I even considered her for a role in my company. She's asked me to drive 60+ miles to visit her because she can't afford the petrol, but I am 6 months pregnant and can barely walk due to pelvis expansion (very painful!). I am still working full time, also. She says she can't afford the petrol but they bought a Wii for Christmas. She bought everyone's gifts at poundland (nothing wrong with poundland but fancy asking for Wii games from your family and giving them a quid box of chocolates in return).
Not once has she asked 'how is the baby'. I'm due in three months and she hasn't asked how I am once. I texted her Merry Christmas and she replied 'got a new job. Not going well. Didn't bother to send xmas card this year'. (I sent her a Christmas card). I texted back but she never replied.
It was my husband's 30th a few days ago - no card or text. But I can see she logged in to facebook and sent someone she met 3 weeks ago a happy birthday.
I feel so sad that she's let us down so badly. My mum and mother in law are still friends with their bridesmaids, 40 years on, and it's taken 18 months for both our best man and bridesmaid to become totally estranged. I have other friends, that's not the issue - but oddly, they don't. You'd think they'd make more effort with the only (non facebook) friends they have. It's gone from their being our best man and bridesmaid to not even being on the invite list for our little one's baptism.
The saddest part is that she posted a link to her ebay account on facebook and I found that she had sold not only the silver and diamond necklace I bought her and my other bridesmaid as a keepsake but even the 'thankyou to my bridesmaid' gold angel pin brooch which I put in a greetings card as a table gift on the day. I bought matching mother in law and mother ones and my family treasure them. She sold it for £3. It cost £20. It's not about the cost of course but it's an added insult that she sold my friendship out so cheaply.
Sorry - what a long rant that was - but I just needed a vent. Obviously that's the final straw and I won't be speaking to her again,but now when I look at my wedding photos, and see their grumpy faces I regret ever befriending them.
Am starting mat leave soon and have lots of social gatherings lined up with other mothers to be which is lovely, luckily it's baby season in the office and there are 6 of us due in the same month! Hopefully I can forget this spiteful girl and not let it affect my trust in the future.
Bit of background: I've known her and her boyfriend since Uni, for about 8 years now, along with my husband.
Once we'd all graduated we all got jobs and rented houses. I thought things were on the up for us. But whilst my husband and I have climbed the ranks into upper management (through very hard work!) in one company, both our friends have gone from low level job to low level job on minimum wage, constantly moaning how unfair life is, etc. I think this is where the issues started because before long the little snipes started 'well you can afford x or y'. They seem to think because they have a degree they're owed 30k a year, despite never staying in a job for over 6 months.
We married in 2009 and our friends were best man and bridesmaid. The guy became more and more distant, saying he 'didn't like weddings/marriages' (we put this down to his parents messy divorce). As most of the wedding was planned we didn't want to make him feel awkward, so we let it be. As my friend the bridesmaid was skint (she'd quit her last job months previously) I paid for her hair, nails, shoes, accessories etc as a gift, and bought her and my other bridesmaid a silver & diamond necklace to say thankyou.
To say they acted rudely on our wedding day is an understatement. It started when I was getting ready. My bridesmaid turned up with no make-up (expecting me to supply it), having not even had a shower (she had one in my honeymoon suite before I'd even seen it myself). I asked her not to touch my veil as it was specially shipped from Canada and had hand glued crystals on it, the instructions said to separate the layers with a warm hairdryer so as not to pull them off. She ignored me and whilst I was getting my hair done ripped the layers apart, along with lots of crystals, luckily it was un-noticable in the photos but I was unable to gift the veil to another friend who was to be married a few months later.
At the wedding she had a fight with her boyfriend (best man) when our Priest joked 'aren't you married then!?' and the best man managed to take offence. Because he didn't drop down on one knee and propose there and then the bridesmaid went into a strop and refused to speak to anyone (ANYONE!) for the rest of the day, including the evening do!
They were supposed to hand out our guest book to be signed - they didn't, but she wrote something spiteful and rude in it herself. She had offered to man the video camera - we got 5 minutes of wobbly shots of my head as I danced!? (she claims she is an expert with a video camera. Thank God I got professional photos).
They didn't give us a wedding gift or card, instead weeks later she gave me a half finished tapestry which she 'hadn't got around to completing' (we were engaged for a year!). When my husband and I retired to our room after the evening do, they knocked on the door (we were understandably busy!!) as they'd left their room key/bags in our suite.
The day after the wedding our guests had to help us with all our belongings at the hotel, because our best man and bridesmaid had made up (of sorts, apparently they still refused to speak to anyone at breakfast) and gone to a garden centre sale. They hadn't even said goodbye.
I was so upset with our friends for their selfishness that our friendship remained friendly for the sake of politeness rather than ever the same as it was. She came to me for advice about a year ago as she said that they were having 'personal (bed) problems'. I advised her to see a counsellor which she did and still does. Apparently he refuses to marry her as he 'hates weddings' and says a joint bank account is a bigger commitment than a marriage. As she is Catholic she can't physically be intimate as she doesn't feel it's right and she doesn't want children out of wedlock. I feel for her but they are so unsuited as a couple, and have turned both so thoroughly selfish, that's why I suggested she got some professional help because I didn't think I'd be able to advise her fairly.
Anyway fast forward to August and I've happily discovered I am pregnant. After telling my family I text a few friends the happy news. She calls me to say how happy she is and how she'll babysit and knit bootees and all sorts. I start to think..oh..Ok...suddenly you want to be involved, but OK, it's nice she's so happy for us. Her boyfriend never even texted back, in fact my husband and I have been married 18 months and he has spoken to us once since the wedding.
In the last 5 months my so called friend has contacted me about 5 or 6 times, and looking back, each time, she wanted something. She contacts me when it's her birthday so I'll send her a card or bring over a cake/wine. She's contacted me for references for jobs. She's asked me for scanned photos of her and her boyfriend at our wedding, because she didn't want to pay our photographer the copy fee (even though in each picture, they have a face like thunder). She has asked me for jobs 'but only over 25k' (she's on benefits having quit her job on a fruit stall in the market due to the early starts). Ethically I'd be in hot water if I even considered her for a role in my company. She's asked me to drive 60+ miles to visit her because she can't afford the petrol, but I am 6 months pregnant and can barely walk due to pelvis expansion (very painful!). I am still working full time, also. She says she can't afford the petrol but they bought a Wii for Christmas. She bought everyone's gifts at poundland (nothing wrong with poundland but fancy asking for Wii games from your family and giving them a quid box of chocolates in return).
Not once has she asked 'how is the baby'. I'm due in three months and she hasn't asked how I am once. I texted her Merry Christmas and she replied 'got a new job. Not going well. Didn't bother to send xmas card this year'. (I sent her a Christmas card). I texted back but she never replied.
It was my husband's 30th a few days ago - no card or text. But I can see she logged in to facebook and sent someone she met 3 weeks ago a happy birthday.
I feel so sad that she's let us down so badly. My mum and mother in law are still friends with their bridesmaids, 40 years on, and it's taken 18 months for both our best man and bridesmaid to become totally estranged. I have other friends, that's not the issue - but oddly, they don't. You'd think they'd make more effort with the only (non facebook) friends they have. It's gone from their being our best man and bridesmaid to not even being on the invite list for our little one's baptism.
The saddest part is that she posted a link to her ebay account on facebook and I found that she had sold not only the silver and diamond necklace I bought her and my other bridesmaid as a keepsake but even the 'thankyou to my bridesmaid' gold angel pin brooch which I put in a greetings card as a table gift on the day. I bought matching mother in law and mother ones and my family treasure them. She sold it for £3. It cost £20. It's not about the cost of course but it's an added insult that she sold my friendship out so cheaply.
Sorry - what a long rant that was - but I just needed a vent. Obviously that's the final straw and I won't be speaking to her again,but now when I look at my wedding photos, and see their grumpy faces I regret ever befriending them.
Am starting mat leave soon and have lots of social gatherings lined up with other mothers to be which is lovely, luckily it's baby season in the office and there are 6 of us due in the same month! Hopefully I can forget this spiteful girl and not let it affect my trust in the future.
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Comments
Just continue living your life to the full and move on. She deserves your pity as she will never be able make a happy life for herself unless she changes her ways. You remind her of all that her life could have been.
Enjoy your family and your future without her bringing you down.
I no longer think of her on the day to day any more, hubby was a bit miffed that neither of them wished him a happy 30th as everyone else seemed to make a huge effort so it was sort of more noticable.
I just hope she spent the money she got selling her gifts on something better than a Wii game which she has to play on her own. Sentimental value means a lot to me, it did break my heart a little to see my carefully chosen gifts listed as 'unwanted gifts'. I have to take into account my hormones because rather than it upsetting my husband it really angered him and he isn't an angry sort of chap. I am not well enough to have a row with her but I doubt I'll be even letting her know when I do give birth....I am not the type to put it on facebook. I wonder what she will do...wait till August when she needs something and then ask 'oh did you give birth then?'
It sounds to me as though you've exhausted all avenues with this 'friend'. so don't feel guilty for not wanting to beat yourself up anymore over it.
She seems to have tried every method of pushing you into a negative reaction. Who knows why
I hope you continue to do well and have a happy and healthy New Year ahead with your new addition to the family. That's where your positivity should be concentrated for now, let those who aren't part of it see to themselves.
I got married in April and found out the hard way that nothing shows your true friends like a wedding! Some people just can’t handle the fact that others might actually be happy in their lives! I have had similar issues with a bridesmaid since the wedding and when I read the bit about your maid selling the gifts you gave her it nearly broke my heart! That’s horrific!!! Its hard to move on from a friendship but sometimes you just have to accept that people change and grow apart.
You are clearly moving on with your life, congratulations with the pregnancy!! And she isn’t… Its so hard, like a waste of all the friendship. But you just have to keep your chin up, you’ve tried so hard and shes knocked it back. Forget about her and concentrate on your fab new life with your husband and your lovely wee baby when the time comes!!
She looks at you, with your good job, lovely husband, wedding etc and she can't figure it out.
You both went to college together, met your boyfriends but where as you have moved forwards in life she's going around in circles and you just remind her of everything she hasn't got so she lashes out.
Eventually she'll get her act together, either dump him and find a good man, or get a proper job and work her way up like you did, whatever - something will change.
But for you, you can walk away from this friendship knowing you were a good a thoughtful friend to her.
She will look back one day and be very sorry.
Even the fact that she asked for pictures of her and the boyfriend from your wedding is like she's trying to remind you of how they acted.
maybe she wants you to be angry with her so she will have an excuse to feel hard done by.
I would not contact her again.
It will be hard but with the new baby on the way you have enough to be thinking about and a damn good excuse to "forget" to text back.
Hopefully her lack of sentiment will have allowed someone who could not have otherwise afforded to give such lovely gifts to give them to someone who will apppreciate them as much as you hoped she would long after her profit is spent!
As for your 'friend' you owe her nothing, she could have ruined your wedding day with her petty behaviour.
Don't contact her, delete her from facebook and move on.
Once your baby is here, you will make tons of new friends, most new mums do, I know I did - and you won't miss this woman in your life at all.
I would leave things now, not get in touch with her and wouldn't respond to any calls/texts/emails either. You're going to be busy with a baby soon and you'll make plenty of new friends when that part of your life really gets going.
Concentrate on the forthcoming birth of your baby and just forget them. It's not that you haven't tried!
You do appear to have a happy life without them and maybe that's the rub for her, you're married, a good job and now a baby - all things that she hasn't got so perhaps she's just feeling left out?
There could be valid reasons for her behaviour - look at the millions of posts on DS about job problems and awful bosses so it might not be her or his faults. Likewise her attitude to the baby may mask other problems that you're not aware of. I don't think that excuses her, but in growing apart maybe she can't confide in you as much? I've been there with watching others get pregnant and not doing so myself and it's a hard emotion to express without sounding bitter. That said I've been honest and it would do her well if that was her problem. In not saying why they have acted as they have, it' easy too jump to assumptions that might not be correct.
Enjoy what you have, why put yourself through the agonies. Move on and leave them be and stop trying to fix them, you can't!
It sounds as though your friend is one of the 'contaminators' and isn't bringing anything positive to you life. Don't dwell on her misdemeanours - that's just giving her more power than she deserves over your happiness.
You sound as though you've got everything going for you and a lot to look forwards to. Put this down to experience.
In the past I've had friends where I've had to do all the running, make arrangements to see them, was the only one remembering birthdays etc. I soon realised that I had a choice - either to accept that the other person wasn't really that motivated to support the friendship and that it would always be on their terms, or to back away and leave them to it. I haven't lost a single friend worth keeping by doing that and I respect myself a lot more for having those boundaries.
Surround yourself with positive people, that add something to your life (laughter, kindness or whatever) and leave the contaminators to work out for themselves why the invitations have dried up and the phone never rings!
I love the end to the story and that the baba is on his way but to lighten the mood a little can I just say that one sentance made me laugh .! The fact your " friend " was going to knit bootees !! I havent seen a bootee on a baby since circa 1969 and it made me smile .
Listen to this person, he/she speaks a lot of sense
You sound like a thoughtful, caring person who enjoys trying to let people know that you appreciate them. Your 'friend' has had many opportunities to return this behaviour and instead acts like a spoiled brat. I personally would have ditched her after the wedding, her and her boyfriend's attitude was shocking!!
Sometimes you have to make a decision to get rid of people that will never change and bring nothing but negativity into your life, it can be hard but life is too short to put up with people like this, especially as you clearly have nice people in your life
I met my "best friend" when we started secondary school, and we did everything together. But by the time were 16, she'd really changed. She was all about boys, and I lost count of the number of boyfriends she had. She'd rub it in my face just because I wasn't fussed about having a boyfriend. She started hanging round with the "popular" crowd at school, and wouldn't spend time with our crowd of friends. She would sau such horrible things. I remember one time she said that none of the year liked me. It may sound silly, but it really hurt at the time. She ended up sleeping with another of our friends boyfriends, and her view was it was ok because our friend hadn't slept with him yet. To this day, that friend still doesn't know what happened, and I hate knowing about it. She isn't with him any more now. Since we finished Sixth Form I've hardly spoken to her.
It's a shame, but I didn't need someone like that in my life. And you don't need someone like your "friend" in your life either. Enjoy all the good things happening to you :-)
If she contacts you abot the baby, fine, be polite but don't go out of your way to get involved with her again.
Its a shame friends just apart, but it happens. Don't let it get you down.
Agreed. That is the best advice.
Just concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy and preparing for the arrival of your precious bundle.
Some people cannot bear to watch other people be happy, so instead of feeding of the positivity of their friends, they try to ruin it by being negative. Distance yourself from those people, they will just bring you down.
Good luck with the baby x
Best wishes for your baby! xx