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Backing away a little on a friendship?
GirlfromEireann
Posts: 4,117 Forum Member
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Not a huge problem, even title sounds a little too dramatic for what it is, but nonetheless, I would value opinions.
I started a new job at the end of the summer. Few weeks later a new girl also started. She was a little younger and new to the city (where I've been born and bred). Only other person she knew in the city was her flatmate ( a guy she knew from secondary school) who was in college here.
We became friends quickly - probably due to the fact that we were working together 4 days a week 9-5 and some days we'd be the only 2 in the office, so we'd go to lunch together etc. In many respects, as the older person (early 30s vs mid 20s) I took her under my wing. We both work the same 4 days. On the day we both have off, I like to cram in what I can't do during the days I'm working, see friends, catch up with other stuff or just chill.
Initially she'd text me out of blue in the morning to say would I like to meet up. I didn't really want to but I felt forced into it. This happened every week. To be honest it was becoming a bit of a drag - it was my day off and I was spending it just sitting drinking coffee with a girl I work with!. It was grand then for a while as I had to change my day for a couple of weeks, then Christmas came. After Christmas, her sister came to stay with her for a couple of weeks so in effect on the day off I was surplus to requirements.
On Friday, our day off I got the same text again - when I replied that I couldn't meet, I got no answer in response. No it's okay or anything like that, so I take it she's in a snit. I was off today so didn't get to see her at work.
I'm not immature so as to be upset that someone is in a snit with me. I just can't seem to understand how she can't entertain herself on her day off. Weekends aren't a problem as she goes home. What annoys me more though is - it is now obvious that she wanted to meet up with me on the days off because she wanted the company and not really just for friendship sake. When her sister was here to stay, I didn't get a second thought. I know she wanted to spend time with her sister, but she could have asked did I want to meet for a coffee to meet her sister etc.
The few times I've said I'm busy- she just doesn't get the hint. I don't want to be cruel but it's really getting on my wick. Wish she'd just stand on her own two feet. I don't like being used in this way
I started a new job at the end of the summer. Few weeks later a new girl also started. She was a little younger and new to the city (where I've been born and bred). Only other person she knew in the city was her flatmate ( a guy she knew from secondary school) who was in college here.
We became friends quickly - probably due to the fact that we were working together 4 days a week 9-5 and some days we'd be the only 2 in the office, so we'd go to lunch together etc. In many respects, as the older person (early 30s vs mid 20s) I took her under my wing. We both work the same 4 days. On the day we both have off, I like to cram in what I can't do during the days I'm working, see friends, catch up with other stuff or just chill.
Initially she'd text me out of blue in the morning to say would I like to meet up. I didn't really want to but I felt forced into it. This happened every week. To be honest it was becoming a bit of a drag - it was my day off and I was spending it just sitting drinking coffee with a girl I work with!. It was grand then for a while as I had to change my day for a couple of weeks, then Christmas came. After Christmas, her sister came to stay with her for a couple of weeks so in effect on the day off I was surplus to requirements.
On Friday, our day off I got the same text again - when I replied that I couldn't meet, I got no answer in response. No it's okay or anything like that, so I take it she's in a snit. I was off today so didn't get to see her at work.
I'm not immature so as to be upset that someone is in a snit with me. I just can't seem to understand how she can't entertain herself on her day off. Weekends aren't a problem as she goes home. What annoys me more though is - it is now obvious that she wanted to meet up with me on the days off because she wanted the company and not really just for friendship sake. When her sister was here to stay, I didn't get a second thought. I know she wanted to spend time with her sister, but she could have asked did I want to meet for a coffee to meet her sister etc.
The few times I've said I'm busy- she just doesn't get the hint. I don't want to be cruel but it's really getting on my wick. Wish she'd just stand on her own two feet. I don't like being used in this way
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Not really your problem and I can fully understand your perspective. Can you introduce her to other friends or involve in your existing circle rather than one to one which you clearly have no time for?
I had feelings of guilt that I wasn't able to meet up with her, but then I thought about it: she won't go anywhere on her own - she'll just sit at home when she's not at work. I would get up and go into the city to look in shops, go to cinema, go for a walk etc. I just think she needs to help herself a little bit also and understand that other people have lives too that they need to lead. Does that sound harsh?
You don't sound harsh at all. She's an adult and she'll have to adjust sooner or later. You've got nothing to feel guilty about as it's not like your being deliberately malicious and your entitled to your own life and to choose who you hang out with.
Still I'll have to hold firm. I will be slightly annoyed though if she is in a snit over this - I mean, am I supposed to put my life on hold? >:(
I can see both sides tbh.
You are very fortunate that you have lots of family and friends around and you are obviously very gregarious and have a good social life.
She is perhaps not so fortunate so is maybe a little bit needy.
Maybe you could cut a middle ground. Every other week, agree to have lunch with her - or even just a coffee in the morning / afternoon, but maybe invite a couple of others from work along too.
You don't really know if she is in a snit yet though, do you?
Don't over think it and see how she is with you when you see her next at work.
I've tried to limit it to a coffee or lunch but she wants an all day affair i.e. call over as soon as housemates leave and not leave until they come back.
I think what I find so frustrating is she's not taking the hint that it can't be EVERY week.
I'm the Queen of overthinking, but she has not replied to my text today and she always does so I'm taking that to mean she's in a snit.
Ah.
Well, to spin it round, given that I'm the Queen of looking on the bright side - if she IS in a snit, at least she won't be texting you to spend your next day off together.
But why "hint" ?
Why not just say to her " I can't do this Friday cos I have something else I have to do too - but next Friday MORNING works for me "
It surely can't be the first time you have had to do this.
And are you really telling me that EVERY TIME you have suggested meeting up with a pal that they have ALWAYS said yes. You must have been turned down now and again. We all have.
"I was busy, I always see my best friend every Friday but she has been abroad for a few months but now she is back so while we are on the subject i cant meet up outside of work anymore. If you want a coffee we will have to go for one on our lunch break sometimes.
Dont apologise
Dont give in..ever
Dont explain
Dont give names
Dont say sorry
Make it crystal clear even if she acts hurt, you need to be firm. If she is a drag then she is a drag, that's it.
If she asks if she can she come too say "No its always been me and my friend" if she asks what you get up to just say whatever we feel like but its just us.
If she asks can she spend time on a Saturday or Sunday instead say "no, I want to keep my work colleagues to work or to work organised social events and separate from my personal life.
Just keep saying there isnt a problem, but you are busy.... she will get the hint , possibly the hump but it will work.
If she asks why you spent time so far with her on fridays, but not anymore just say your friend was away so you had some free time to help her settle in but your situation has changed now
Or invent a new boyfriend or a disgruntled husband who wants your time to himself and blame it all on him.
I work at home and even there I am not free of her. I wait for the first of many emails from her which are usually slagging off another work colleague or about an argument she had on the commute into work. Everything is negative, nothing is positive. I think she is suffering from low level depression and possibly the menopause, but now my patience has gone awol.
Because of the previous injustice she suffered, the head of our team treats her with kid gloves, because she feels guilty. That makes my negative colleague powerful as I feel she is like a loaded gun just waiting to go off. As our work is conjoined if I divorce her I worry that she she will try to damage me in work. I have seen her in action with other colleagues and she has stuck the knife into them and has damaged their prospects as a consequence. We also have the threat of redundancy hanging over us. I do not enjoy her company now. I am not sure I ever did. I felt sorry for her.
I am sorry if I have hijacked OP's post - there is a point to this story. My experience has taught me that it is not recommended to get overly close to colleagues. You can be friendly but do not mistake them for your friends. I think the OP should not spend any more time with this girl outside work. You had a life before her. It is your valuable time and if you are not careful she will suck you dry. It will force her to widen her network too. She is not your responsibility. You might find her hard to shake off, like my one.
As for me, I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about her and my dread of seeing her today. She had to take some leave unexpectedly and it was like I had won the lottery. I will not see her until next week but no doibt I will receive a few crabby non life affirming emails. For the sake of my health I am going to break the cord, gently at first, but harder if she does not get the message. Glad I got that off my chest. It has been bothering me for the past year.
OP - you know what you have to do.
However you are not her "saviour" so to speak and she has to learn to deal with it. Rather than fall out over it or sacrifice your own time, why not suggest places for her to go and visit? Groups she can join (any courses? gym/keep fit?) Support her to move on and settle in and make new friends?
I believe that you should never (or at least try not to) cross the line with work friendships/not mix business with pleasure, familiarity breeds contempt and all that.
Slowly back away from her, you've been kind enough. She's old enough to find alternative plans and join groups to meet other new people.
For me that is too exhausting, I like my alone time!
I wouldn't worry about the situation, if she's annoyed, who cares? Just carry on as normal. She'll probably ask you again on her next day off from the sound of it. And if she doesn't, at least you are free.
Also, weren't you glad of the break when her sister was around!