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A colleague with a borderline personality disorder...
How would you deal with a colleague/friend you work closely with who appears to have a borderline personality disorder??
She's only been working with us for about 2 months, and started off ok but then weird behaviour patterns started to occur...
One day she'd be super fun, upbeat, and full of jokes and playful banter, and then the next she'd be cold, aloof, and distant to most. Other times she'd be warm and friendly, and then the next day she'd be acting rather spiteful and highly strung.
The above was all put down to being 'moody' at first, but now it's got a bit more out of hand....
She decided early on to make me her 'play thing' in the office, with extreme flirting, and lots of attention, which was not a problem initially but now she seems to be using idealization and devaluation tactics on me, and others. One minute you're the best thing since sliced bread, and then the next she shuts you out and gives you the silent treatment for what feels like no apparent reason.
The latest was the other day - she was in a great mood, being pleasant and charming, and having a laugh, and then later on she overheard me make a slightly rude comment about one of her pals (who I'm not a fan of) to my friend, which was pretty much just a light hearted joke, but then she flipped on me and went mad and started the silent treatment again. A couple of hours later, she came and offered me a tea and some biscuits so I'm thinking that she's cool again - then the next day, the silent treatment was back, so I asked what was wrong, and then she went mad again and said 'you made a horrible comment about xxxx yesterday so now I don't ever want to speak you again'. Bizarre. She also knows my feelings on that particular person too as we've discussed it.
After the above, I found out she also turned on her best pal during that same shift, for some other stupid reason, and then started being 'extra nice' and overly friendly to everybody else. Pathetic games to be honest. Some people still think she's 'normal' at the moment, as they haven't been on the receiving end of her mind games and BS, yet....
Can't be assed with any of this in the workplace, and I have no idea how to handle it really - I don't really want enemies in the office, so can't really tell her to stay away from me. I can't keep my distance either, because she works a metre away, nor do I want to pretend to be a 'doctor' and start diagnosing her.....
Any advice? Cheers.
She's only been working with us for about 2 months, and started off ok but then weird behaviour patterns started to occur...
One day she'd be super fun, upbeat, and full of jokes and playful banter, and then the next she'd be cold, aloof, and distant to most. Other times she'd be warm and friendly, and then the next day she'd be acting rather spiteful and highly strung.
The above was all put down to being 'moody' at first, but now it's got a bit more out of hand....
She decided early on to make me her 'play thing' in the office, with extreme flirting, and lots of attention, which was not a problem initially but now she seems to be using idealization and devaluation tactics on me, and others. One minute you're the best thing since sliced bread, and then the next she shuts you out and gives you the silent treatment for what feels like no apparent reason.
The latest was the other day - she was in a great mood, being pleasant and charming, and having a laugh, and then later on she overheard me make a slightly rude comment about one of her pals (who I'm not a fan of) to my friend, which was pretty much just a light hearted joke, but then she flipped on me and went mad and started the silent treatment again. A couple of hours later, she came and offered me a tea and some biscuits so I'm thinking that she's cool again - then the next day, the silent treatment was back, so I asked what was wrong, and then she went mad again and said 'you made a horrible comment about xxxx yesterday so now I don't ever want to speak you again'. Bizarre. She also knows my feelings on that particular person too as we've discussed it.
After the above, I found out she also turned on her best pal during that same shift, for some other stupid reason, and then started being 'extra nice' and overly friendly to everybody else. Pathetic games to be honest. Some people still think she's 'normal' at the moment, as they haven't been on the receiving end of her mind games and BS, yet....
Can't be assed with any of this in the workplace, and I have no idea how to handle it really - I don't really want enemies in the office, so can't really tell her to stay away from me. I can't keep my distance either, because she works a metre away, nor do I want to pretend to be a 'doctor' and start diagnosing her.....
Any advice? Cheers.
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theres not really a lot you can do apart from talk to a manager if you think its causing issues as far as how work is getting done , if no-one else has noticed anything it might just be that the two of you have a clash of personalities , it happens
Other people are starting to notice - as mentioned, she's started flipping out on her best pal too for all sorts of strange reasons.
It seems to be the people she's closest too who get the brunt of it. You can't escape either, as she'll either start plying you with attention again, or giving you the silent treatment, whilst watching you like a hawk, and openly listening to every conversation you have with others. Weird shit.
Yep, doesn't really solve the issues when looking at the bigger picture though does it.
If you say so - thanks. Not sure which part of the post implies that I'm looking to be 'entertained'. Infact, quite the opposite - her bouts of positive/negative, attention towards me is making me feel uncomfortable and it's starting to freak me out, and others have suggested that she seems to have some sort of personality disorder, which seems to be the case.....'Bipolar disorder' and 'multiple personalities' has been thrown out there by a few....
It's a horrible thing to have to deal with, for her more than anyone, but it does have a massive effect on anyone who has to deal with the "sufferer" (for want of a better word) on a regular basis.
Good luck!
Thanks for your post - It's rather difficult to make a 'clean break' from her, as she seems rather 'fixated' on me, in both equal measures of a positive and negative way. Within the space of an hour, she'll go from coming up behind me and touching me in places she probably shouldn't, laughing and joking, to extreme hostility and lingering stares and looks. It's AWKWARD.com to be on the receiving end. She'll butt in on conversations I'm having with others, then start the silent treatment again, and then seek out my attention by doing things to get it.....
It doesn't help that we have mutual friends either.
Her behaviour is becoming stranger though, so I think more and more people will start to notice and hopefully management will deal with her accordingly.
probably not much help........ but could be an idea
That's the thing, as she has been a friend to me at times (kind of viewed her as a little sister type of thing) I wouldn't really want to get her in any sort of major trouble or 'grass' her up as such.
You're right about the touching thing - she seems it as harmless flirting I guess, but if it was a guy doing the same thing to a girl, it would probably be viewed as instrusive or totally inappropriate.
If she 'decides' to start talking to me again, which I'm sure she will, I might pull her aside for a word and see how that goes. If not, I'll just try my best to leave her to it and avoid any more further discussions or silly little games.
If she 'decides' to start talking to me again, which I'm sure she will, I might pull her aside for a word and see how that goes. If not, I'll just try my best to leave her to it and avoid any more further discussions or silly little games.[/QUOTE]
Yeah good call. Hope you get it sorted and your working environment becomes a bit more pleasant!
Looking at the diagnostic labels you have been throwing around (starting with the heading of this thread), you seem to be making a good effort though
She's probably feeding off the attention she's getting from you. She's playing games, but you are falling for it and responding to her manipulation. You need to be a colleague and nothing else. Be professional - if she flirts, don't flirt back. If she tries to 'devalue' you or 'idealise' you - ignore her. Don't see her as a friend - and don't make comments about her friends in public. Put emotional distance between the two of you, take a step back - and I'll bet she'll back off too.
Keep your relationship distant yet professional and polite. Hopefully she'll get the message.