In this case it is highly likely that the child will be better off with it's mother and her new financially solvent partner.
Not necessarily. Without knowing all the parties personally we cant say who the child would be better off with , but just because the new man is financially solvent doesnt make him a good father. From reading the OP l doubt the new man could love the child more than the natural father, and at the end of the day that, in my opinion, is the most important thing .
The weekday parents time with the child is going to be limited to the evenings, which are likely to be tense with homework and bedtimes. While the weekend parent gets the relaxing quality time. How is that fair to other the child or the parents?
However I would see it from the point of view of the child and he is likely to feel excluded from his mums family if he spends every weekend away, particularly if another child comes along.
As he gets older he will decide for himself but for now there does need to be a balance. There are plenty of school holidays meaning he still gets to spend plenty of time with his dad.
I know if I were his mum I would never agree to losing my son every weekend. There are grandparents somewhere in this and he will lose out on seeing them too if his mum has not time to take him to see them except on an evening after school when he will be tired.
I suppose what I am saying is that - if you can try to avoid bad feeling between the parents and try to make it that all the adults are doing all they can to make things as easy as possible for themselves AND each other - whilst makiing allowances for issues that favour one or the other - then that is for the greater good of the extended family and particularly the children.
But yes, that is probably very difficult with already fractured adult relationships.
No. But moving somewhere that would allow me to provide my child with a better standard of living is more important than living close to the ex-partner.
All I am gettig here is ME ME ME and somebody who puts material goods over personal relationships.
My sister is a high flyer and has three kids. They live in a very wealthy home but she is emotionally absent from them because she is at work the whole time and the kids are going off the rails. But they have the best of everything and a high standard of living. What they don't feel is very loved and they are showing disturbed behaviour because they have a Mother and a Step Parent who thinks private school and holidays to Bora Bora are more important than having emotionally present parents.
If the standard of living is so low they aren't housed/clothed/fed properly I would agree but if by higher standard of living you mean material goods then I totoally disagree with you.
Not necessarily. Without knowing all the parties personally we cant say who the child would be better off with , but just because the new man is financially solvent doesnt make him a good father. From reading the OP l doubt the new man could love the child more than the natural father, and at the end of the day that, in my opinion, is the most important thing .
My ex husband (their step father) raised my children as their natural father quickly disappeared into the woodwork when he remarried....he stopped seeing them altogether. Even though I am now divorced from their step father he still treats them as a father would. I dont think we can knock step parents just because they are step parents.
Thats not to say this will be the case for the OP though who does sound like a caring father.
Sadly though, that is the reality of many parents, especially if a child lives a few miles away from one parent and cannot look after the child during the week due to practical reasons As in the OPs case. You might get a kick out of hurting your ex partner from not letting them see the kids as often as they like but a child sees straight through that and they will harbour the resentment towards you.
Is getting one up on your ex-partner really more important than your child/childrens' emotional well being? That's kind of a rhetorical question.
I think you are letting your mums rather nasty behaviour cloud you view ( don't mean that in a bad way) Hooloovoo is not against a the other parent having them at weekends .. just every weekend
However I would see it from the point of view of the child and he is likely to feel excluded from his mums family if he spends every weekend away, particularly if another child comes along.
I think this issue of feeling excluded is likely in the long term to be as important, if not more important, as seeing the external parent.
No. But moving somewhere that would allow me to provide my child with a better standard of living is more important than living close to the ex-partner.
If my parents had separated when I was small and my mum had taken me to live in a big house with a huge garden and twin cars and ensuite bathrooms I would still have wanted my dad.
And it's not about how close you are to your ex partner but how close your kids are to their dad.
I think you are letting your mums rather nasty behaviour cloud you view ( don't mean that in a bad way) Hooloovoo is not against a the other parent having them at weekends .. just every weekend
Yes, I did already acknowledge in another post that to a extent i was projecting my own circumstances. I am self aware enough to realise this without being told.
Yes, I did already acknowledge in another post that to a extent i was projecting my own circumstances. I am self aware enough to realise this without being told.
So if you can acknowledge that why are you being so hard on Hooloovoo and acting like they have said they don't want their hypothetical child to see the other parent
I think every other weekend is fine and it never hurt my children.
If my parents had separated when I was small and my mum had taken me to live in a big house with a huge garden and twin cars and ensuite bathrooms I would still have wanted my dad.
And it's not about how close you are to your ex partner but how close your kids are to their dad.
This happened to me! When my Mum and Dad separated, we moved from a two up two down terrace and a single family on what would now be minimum wage to a five bedroom detached house, Merc on the drive, horse riding and violin lessons and private school. All thanks to my wonderful Stepdad whom I grew to like more than my own Mother. However
1) I NEVER stopped missing my Dad
2) I still lived for the weekends I got to see him. I remember how excited I would feel on a Friday when i was due to see him.
3) I hated Sundays because it meant I had to go back to my Mothers (the nice house, car, lifestyle, etc.)
As a child it wouldn't have even entered my head to put that before seeing my Dad.
So if you can acknowledge that why are you being so hard on Hooloovoo and acting like they have said they don't want their hypothetical child to see the other parent
I think every other weekend is fine and it never hurt my children.
Because I wasn't a hypothetical child. I am telling it from how a real child would feel.
Out of interest, did you ever stop YOUR children from seeing their other parent?
Because I wasn't a hypothetical child. I am telling it from how a real child would feel.
Out of interest, did you ever stop YOUR children from seeing their other parent?
No I never.
You are telling it from a point of view of a child whose mother stop you seeing your dad on a whim, not from the point of view of a child who see their dad every other weekend.
What a depressing thread, and I thought I had problems with a selfish ex and a child being caught in a tug of war.
My advice would be get a solicitor involved for what good it will do. Just remember that getting one involved could work against you and your ex could really start making your life miserable and difficult.
What a depressing thread, and I thought I had problems with a selfish ex and a child being caught in a tug of war.
My advice would be get a solicitor involved for what good it will do. Just remember that getting one involved could work against you and your ex could really start making your life miserable and difficult.
If CAFCASS have already reported on the situation, and the court have already appointed residency of the child with the mother, then getting solicitors involved will do nothing but cost both parents a lot of money.
Because I wasn't a hypothetical child. I am telling it from how a real child would feel.
Out of interest, did you ever stop YOUR children from seeing their other parent?
I wasnt the hypothetical child either, my mother stopped me seeing my dad and moved me 200 miles north yet I still cant agree that the father should have the child every weekend. There has to be a balance, that is all I ever wanted.
This happened to me so here is my thoughts/advice for you justmadeit:
-try and arrange things between you and your wife, solicitors are expensive and quite often inflamme/draw out the situation, but, your wife is currently excitidedly preparing for her new exciting life and will likely view you simply as a pain in the @rse. If this happens you have no choice but to get a solicitor involved. This for me dragged on for almost a year, and ended up in the family court where my ex gf suddenly backed down and allowed me fortnightly weekend access (the standard level of access I'm afraid). She also had to tell me her address at this point, and agree holiday visits.
-in the same vane, try and agree maintainance between yourselves, as the CSA will bleed you dry and treat you like scum of the earth (this really was almost the final blow for me to be treated as the 'bad-guy'and being left with no money each month, on top of all the torment caused by my ex leaving. Her bloke's wages etc will also not be part of this equation.
-you have no rights to know anything about her new bloke.
-you need to get yourself a good circle of friends to help you through what is going to be a bad time for you. You also need to keep clam at every step, regardless of what cr@p is thrown your way- anything you do can and probably will be used against you.
-there's no way she'll meet you half way between you homes IMO. I drive the whole way on a 6-10 hr non-stop round trip to collect my daughter. These costs will also not be taken into account by the CSA (they should but they never do).
PM me if you want to ask anything else, rather than leave youself/myself open to some of the idoits on here (has been surprisingly balanced so far! ).
This happened to me so here is my thoughts/advice for you justmadeit:
-try and arrange things between you and your wife, solicitors are expensive and quite often inflamme/draw out the situation, but, your wife is currently excitidedly preparing for her new exciting life and will likely view you simply as a pain in the @rse. If this happens you have no choice but to get a solicitor involved. This for me dragged on for almost a year, and ended up in the family court where my ex gf suddenly backed down and allowed me fortnightly weekend access (the standard level of access I'm afraid). She also had to tell me her address at this point, and agree holiday visits.
-in the same vane, try and agree maintainance between yourselves, as the CSA will bleed you dry and treat you like scum of the earth (this really was almost the final blow for me to be treated as the 'bad-guy'and being left with no money each month, on top of all the torment caused by my ex leaving. Her bloke's wages etc will also not be part of this equation.
-you have no rights to know anything about her new bloke.
-you need to get yourself a good circle of friends to help you through what is going to be a bad time for you. You also need to keep clam at every step, regardless of what cr@p is thrown your way- anything you do can and probably will be used against you.
-there's no way she'll meet you half way between you homes IMO. I drive the whole way on a 6-10 hr non-stop round trip to collect my daughter. These costs will also not be taken into account by the CSA (they should but they never do).
PM me if you want to ask anything else, rather than leave youself/myself open to some of the idoits on here (has been surprisingly balanced so far! ).
I suspect yours was the advice the OP was looking for when he started the thread.
As a mother who was in your ex-partner's shoes I feel for you. When I split with my ex it was fine as we both lived in the same town and we pretty much shared custody. If there was a reason why one of us had to change our days it was no problem, we accommodated each other. It was all pretty civilised.
Then I got a job about 50 miles away and moved to my new partner's home as it was much nearer to work. To cut a long story short my ex would come and pick our son up on a Friday night after school and we would go and bring him back on a Sunday. It took about 3 months before the ex decided he couldn't be bothered traipsing all the way up to ours and he cut his visits down to 2 out 3 weeks. By the time another 6 months had passed he was coming once every 6 weeks. Until it got to the stage he would only bother seeing his son 3 or 4 times every year. He didn't want to see his son as it interfered with his new single life
My advice, move nearer if you can or bust a gut to see your son every weekend, take all and any offers to help you get there/bring him to you. There's nothing worse than seeing your little boy with his coat on and his bag ready only for a phone call 30 minutes after his dad should have arrived to say he wasn't coming. I can never forgive my ex for this, ever.
So, OP it's up to you. You can make it work perfectly well if you want to especially if your ex does everything she can to keep the contact going. You have the courts if she doesn't.
How will you have some Dad time with your son during the week? Think, internet, webcams and online gaming. A fun 'dad hour' a couple of times a week is something you could both look forward to.
Bed time stories - you only need a phone to read a bed time story - if you've both got the book you can even look at the pictures together.
Is your lad getting interested in football? You could be the one to take him Saturday cub football. In a couple of years get yourself season tickets for your local team - there's a two weekly treat his mum will have difficulty persuading him he doesn't want.
Learn how to fish now. When he's old enough you can teach him.
You need to create memories - My dada took me fishing, My Dad and me used to go to football. You want some of these memories to be created with you.
Never forget - your son will love you unreservedly in a way he will never love your wife's bf. Don't ruin that by jealousy, bad mouthing his mum or her bf or by forgetting stuff.
Sports day - be there no matter what.
See - this is not about your ex - it's all about you and your son.
I wish you all the very best - it's not easy - but your son's worth it .
How will you have some Dad time with your son during the week? Think, internet, webcams and online gaming. A fun 'dad hour' a couple of times a week is something you could both look forward to.
Bed time stories - you only need a phone to read a bed time story - if you've both got the book you can even look at the pictures together.
Is your lad getting interested in football? You could be the one to take him Saturday cub football. In a couple of years get yourself season tickets for your local team - there's a two weekly treat his mum will have difficulty persuading him he doesn't want.
Learn how to fish now. When he's old enough you can teach him.
You need to create memories - My dada took me fishing, My Dad and me used to go to football. You want some of these memories to be created with you.
Never forget - your son will love you unreservedly in a way he will never love your wife's bf. Don't ruin that by jealousy, bad mouthing his mum or her bf or by forgetting stuff.
Sports day - be there no matter what.
See - this is not about your ex - it's all about you and your son.
I wish you all the very best - it's not easy - but your son's worth it .
Great ideas in theory, but all dependent on the mum allowing phone calls/PC access etc., plus my daughter's schools have only given 2 tickets for sports days and xmas shows- I've been offered a ticket once, and that was because my ex's husband or his mum couldn't go.
As a mother who was in your ex-partner's shoes I feel for you. When I split with my ex it was fine as we both lived in the same town and we pretty much shared custody. If there was a reason why one of us had to change our days it was no problem, we accommodated each other. It was all pretty civilised.
Then I got a job about 50 miles away and moved to my new partner's home as it was much nearer to work. To cut a long story short my ex would come and pick our son up on a Friday night after school and we would go and bring him back on a Sunday. It took about 3 months before the ex decided he couldn't be bothered traipsing all the way up to ours and he cut his visits down to 2 out 3 weeks. By the time another 6 months had passed he was coming once every 6 weeks. Until it got to the stage he would only bother seeing his son 3 or 4 times every year. He didn't want to see his son as it interfered with his new single life
My advice, move nearer if you can or bust a gut to see your son every weekend, take all and any offers to help you get there/bring him to you. There's nothing worse than seeing your little boy with his coat on and his bag ready only for a phone call 30 minutes after his dad should have arrived to say he wasn't coming. I can never forgive my ex for this, ever.
So, OP it's up to you. You can make it work perfectly well if you want to especially if your ex does everything she can to keep the contact going. You have the courts if she doesn't.
I agree that this is heartbreaking. My ex tried that once, just once...I went mental. I was a woman possessed:o:o. I won;t go into detail but suffice to say he was that scared he never missed a day again. 6 years later him and my daughter have a fantastic relationship and see each other all the time. He is a great dad, but it was touch and go thos efirst few months.
I agree that this is heartbreaking. My ex tried that once, just once...I went mental. I was a woman possessed:o:o. I won;t go into detail but suffice to say he was that scared he never missed a day again. 6 years later him and my daughter have a fantastic relationship and see each other all the time. He is a great dad, but it was touch and go thos efirst few months.
I am scary when annoyed :D
There's going to need to be some slack for the poor bloke though, on a ~2hr car journey there's likely to be a fair few times the traffic is bad and he's late. (Agree with you about not turing up though!)
No. But moving somewhere that would allow me to provide my child with a better standard of living is more important than living close to the ex-partner.
You really think standard of living is more important than quality time with the child's natural father? Hmmm...
Comments
Not necessarily. Without knowing all the parties personally we cant say who the child would be better off with , but just because the new man is financially solvent doesnt make him a good father. From reading the OP l doubt the new man could love the child more than the natural father, and at the end of the day that, in my opinion, is the most important thing .
However I would see it from the point of view of the child and he is likely to feel excluded from his mums family if he spends every weekend away, particularly if another child comes along.
As he gets older he will decide for himself but for now there does need to be a balance. There are plenty of school holidays meaning he still gets to spend plenty of time with his dad.
I know if I were his mum I would never agree to losing my son every weekend. There are grandparents somewhere in this and he will lose out on seeing them too if his mum has not time to take him to see them except on an evening after school when he will be tired.
Agreed.:)
All I am gettig here is ME ME ME and somebody who puts material goods over personal relationships.
My sister is a high flyer and has three kids. They live in a very wealthy home but she is emotionally absent from them because she is at work the whole time and the kids are going off the rails. But they have the best of everything and a high standard of living. What they don't feel is very loved and they are showing disturbed behaviour because they have a Mother and a Step Parent who thinks private school and holidays to Bora Bora are more important than having emotionally present parents.
If the standard of living is so low they aren't housed/clothed/fed properly I would agree but if by higher standard of living you mean material goods then I totoally disagree with you.
My ex husband (their step father) raised my children as their natural father quickly disappeared into the woodwork when he remarried....he stopped seeing them altogether. Even though I am now divorced from their step father he still treats them as a father would. I dont think we can knock step parents just because they are step parents.
Thats not to say this will be the case for the OP though who does sound like a caring father.
What part of providing for my (theoretical) child did you miss?
I think you are letting your mums rather nasty behaviour cloud you view ( don't mean that in a bad way) Hooloovoo is not against a the other parent having them at weekends .. just every weekend
I think this issue of feeling excluded is likely in the long term to be as important, if not more important, as seeing the external parent.
If my parents had separated when I was small and my mum had taken me to live in a big house with a huge garden and twin cars and ensuite bathrooms I would still have wanted my dad.
And it's not about how close you are to your ex partner but how close your kids are to their dad.
Yes, I did already acknowledge in another post that to a extent i was projecting my own circumstances. I am self aware enough to realise this without being told.
So if you can acknowledge that why are you being so hard on Hooloovoo and acting like they have said they don't want their hypothetical child to see the other parent
I think every other weekend is fine and it never hurt my children.
This happened to me! When my Mum and Dad separated, we moved from a two up two down terrace and a single family on what would now be minimum wage to a five bedroom detached house, Merc on the drive, horse riding and violin lessons and private school. All thanks to my wonderful Stepdad whom I grew to like more than my own Mother. However
1) I NEVER stopped missing my Dad
2) I still lived for the weekends I got to see him. I remember how excited I would feel on a Friday when i was due to see him.
3) I hated Sundays because it meant I had to go back to my Mothers (the nice house, car, lifestyle, etc.)
As a child it wouldn't have even entered my head to put that before seeing my Dad.
Because I wasn't a hypothetical child. I am telling it from how a real child would feel.
Out of interest, did you ever stop YOUR children from seeing their other parent?
No I never.
You are telling it from a point of view of a child whose mother stop you seeing your dad on a whim, not from the point of view of a child who see their dad every other weekend.
My advice would be get a solicitor involved for what good it will do. Just remember that getting one involved could work against you and your ex could really start making your life miserable and difficult.
I'm off to get more Fluoxetine.
If CAFCASS have already reported on the situation, and the court have already appointed residency of the child with the mother, then getting solicitors involved will do nothing but cost both parents a lot of money.
I wasnt the hypothetical child either, my mother stopped me seeing my dad and moved me 200 miles north yet I still cant agree that the father should have the child every weekend. There has to be a balance, that is all I ever wanted.
-try and arrange things between you and your wife, solicitors are expensive and quite often inflamme/draw out the situation, but, your wife is currently excitidedly preparing for her new exciting life and will likely view you simply as a pain in the @rse. If this happens you have no choice but to get a solicitor involved. This for me dragged on for almost a year, and ended up in the family court where my ex gf suddenly backed down and allowed me fortnightly weekend access (the standard level of access I'm afraid). She also had to tell me her address at this point, and agree holiday visits.
-in the same vane, try and agree maintainance between yourselves, as the CSA will bleed you dry and treat you like scum of the earth (this really was almost the final blow for me to be treated as the 'bad-guy'and being left with no money each month, on top of all the torment caused by my ex leaving. Her bloke's wages etc will also not be part of this equation.
-you have no rights to know anything about her new bloke.
-you need to get yourself a good circle of friends to help you through what is going to be a bad time for you. You also need to keep clam at every step, regardless of what cr@p is thrown your way- anything you do can and probably will be used against you.
-there's no way she'll meet you half way between you homes IMO. I drive the whole way on a 6-10 hr non-stop round trip to collect my daughter. These costs will also not be taken into account by the CSA (they should but they never do).
PM me if you want to ask anything else, rather than leave youself/myself open to some of the idoits on here (has been surprisingly balanced so far!
I suspect yours was the advice the OP was looking for when he started the thread.
Then I got a job about 50 miles away and moved to my new partner's home as it was much nearer to work. To cut a long story short my ex would come and pick our son up on a Friday night after school and we would go and bring him back on a Sunday. It took about 3 months before the ex decided he couldn't be bothered traipsing all the way up to ours and he cut his visits down to 2 out 3 weeks. By the time another 6 months had passed he was coming once every 6 weeks. Until it got to the stage he would only bother seeing his son 3 or 4 times every year. He didn't want to see his son as it interfered with his new single life
My advice, move nearer if you can or bust a gut to see your son every weekend, take all and any offers to help you get there/bring him to you. There's nothing worse than seeing your little boy with his coat on and his bag ready only for a phone call 30 minutes after his dad should have arrived to say he wasn't coming. I can never forgive my ex for this, ever.
So, OP it's up to you. You can make it work perfectly well if you want to especially if your ex does everything she can to keep the contact going. You have the courts if she doesn't.
How will you have some Dad time with your son during the week? Think, internet, webcams and online gaming. A fun 'dad hour' a couple of times a week is something you could both look forward to.
Bed time stories - you only need a phone to read a bed time story - if you've both got the book you can even look at the pictures together.
Is your lad getting interested in football? You could be the one to take him Saturday cub football. In a couple of years get yourself season tickets for your local team - there's a two weekly treat his mum will have difficulty persuading him he doesn't want.
Learn how to fish now. When he's old enough you can teach him.
You need to create memories - My dada took me fishing, My Dad and me used to go to football. You want some of these memories to be created with you.
Never forget - your son will love you unreservedly in a way he will never love your wife's bf. Don't ruin that by jealousy, bad mouthing his mum or her bf or by forgetting stuff.
Sports day - be there no matter what.
See - this is not about your ex - it's all about you and your son.
I wish you all the very best - it's not easy - but your son's worth it .
Great ideas in theory, but all dependent on the mum allowing phone calls/PC access etc., plus my daughter's schools have only given 2 tickets for sports days and xmas shows- I've been offered a ticket once, and that was because my ex's husband or his mum couldn't go.
I agree that this is heartbreaking. My ex tried that once, just once...I went mental. I was a woman possessed:o:o. I won;t go into detail but suffice to say he was that scared he never missed a day again. 6 years later him and my daughter have a fantastic relationship and see each other all the time. He is a great dad, but it was touch and go thos efirst few months.
I am scary when annoyed
There's going to need to be some slack for the poor bloke though, on a ~2hr car journey there's likely to be a fair few times the traffic is bad and he's late. (Agree with you about not turing up though!)
You really think standard of living is more important than quality time with the child's natural father? Hmmm...