Gay relationship advice
Robertfitz
Posts: 2,732 Forum Member
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Olay so this is a really personal thing for me and I hope I'm not guna get trolls taking the piss outta me. From what I've seen on here everyone seems friendly anyway 
I'm an 19 year old lad and came out as gay 2/3 years. I met this guy and we completely connected blah blah I don't want to bore you with the whole 'we fell in love' part aha but anyway, when we started going out he knew that I hadn't had gay sex before, and I was nervous and he said he'd wait for when I'm ready. Very gentlemanly........
..........9 months down the line however, he's getting frustrated.
I'm so terrified though. Like genuinely scared shitless and he understands that but understandably he needs sex. It's not as if like we haven't tried, we tried a couple of weeks into the relationship and I don't know how much detail I can go into without getting too crude but I didn't like it at all and it hurt too much
writing this post now while he's sleeping next to me just makes me want to cry. Will I feel like this forever?
I'm an 19 year old lad and came out as gay 2/3 years. I met this guy and we completely connected blah blah I don't want to bore you with the whole 'we fell in love' part aha but anyway, when we started going out he knew that I hadn't had gay sex before, and I was nervous and he said he'd wait for when I'm ready. Very gentlemanly........
..........9 months down the line however, he's getting frustrated.
I'm so terrified though. Like genuinely scared shitless and he understands that but understandably he needs sex. It's not as if like we haven't tried, we tried a couple of weeks into the relationship and I don't know how much detail I can go into without getting too crude but I didn't like it at all and it hurt too much
writing this post now while he's sleeping next to me just makes me want to cry. Will I feel like this forever?
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Comments
No he doesn't. He may want it but he doesn't need it.
I dont think you will feel the way you do forever, it maybe just takes time to get to enjoy it.
I dont really know how much we can say on here with it being a family forum but have you tried building up ie starting small and getting used to the feel of having something inside you?
Plenty of lube goes without saying and taking it slow is important. Are you maybe a bit worried that because he hasnt had sex for 9 months he may go into it a bit hard and fast? I think if youre thinking about it a lot and thinking how much it will hurt you maybe will make it harder because you wont feel relaxed and will be tense.
Dont have too many expectations. Im female and the first time i had sex i was expecting it to be perfect. It hurt and was uncomfortable and took a few goes before it started to feel good.
The key is being able to communicate with your partner and tell him if maybe you want him to slow down or have a break etc.
It's important that you feel comfortable with each other, too. If you're tense and nervous you wont be able to enjoy anything. Relax.
Also, plenty of gay relationships work without penetrative sex, there are other things you can do.
And as the other poster says, he doesn't need sex, he wants it. There is a difference. I want a Four week holiday in the Carribean but I don't need it.
Communication is the main focus in a relationship. Ideally, I feel you should be more communicative as I can see a fair bit of hassle up ahead if you don't.
Discuss what you like and what you don't like with each other.
Gay men do not need to have anal sex to have a good sex life. In fact plenty of gay men go through life and never have it.
Fear and uptightness is a bad recipe for anal sex as you have to be relaxed and calm to enjoy it.
Gay fellas often have stories where they haven't felt comfortable having anal sex as either the guy is too big or he is too rough.
Some fellas won't use condoms and some will want to have dry sex. These are both recipes for disaster.
I would get some lube such as Eros as it feels really nice and a dildo. This way you can practice on your own to see if anal sex is for you or not. I would get a flexible one that looks as realistic as possible.
Trying out different positions also helps. We all have a position we prefer and which we feel more comfortable.
Then again, some people just genuinely don't like it. I know I don't
I agree with others that as silly as it may sound, try it out on yourself! That way you'll find it much easier to relax and do it at your own pace. Perhaps starting small (fingers), and then going up will help. This will also help you gauge how much you genuinely do or don't like it, as it seems that your experience was ruined by the fact you were scared which is perhaps the worst thing that can happen in anal sex.
Like I said, if ultimately you find that you don't like it then it is really not the end of the world. It is something you will need to discuss with him but if he is the gentleman you describe, accommodating your preferences shouldn't be an issue
Life is too short for him to be getting frustrated at not getting any, and for you to be scared/worried/whatever you're feeling about not giving him any.
Don't get me wrong - it is possible to be in a sexless relationship (apparently) - but that is based on the assumption that both people in it are in agreement over it, and are fine with it.
If he wants sex and you don't, then that doesn't sound like you're in agreement. In which case, I can't see this lasting for too much longer. It's up to you what you do with that knowledge, though.
Are you both willing to come to sort of compromise? Because if not, that's the end of it, surely.
(BTW, seriously. Try it. It's a million times worse in your head!)
Having said that, if he cares about you he will allow you to take things at your own pace and not to feel bounced into having anal sex unless or until you feel comfortable with it.
There is a lot you can do short of this - including him being the one at the receiving end if he's comfortable with that.
Not everyone enjoys it (male or female) - it's a very personal thing.
I would try to talk to him about it - explain your apprehensiveness but tell him you are open to trying it as long as he doesn't push the pace too much.
If you want to try to become a bottom you can buy kits with 3 sized but plugs (they start really small). Theres also a spray you can buy called anal eze.
To me, having to wait for 9 months to have sex with my boyfriend would be very frustrating. I'd probably start to feel as if I was being led on to be honest. That doesn't invalidate your "first time nerves" at all - but it is just how *I* would probably feel.
Have you and he spoken about this?
It also depends what you mean by "gay sex" as people tend to assume penetration. It's not everything, believe me! Discuss it with him:
- Why does it worry you?
- What are the things that frighten you about it?
- Is it a concern about "power" or "control"?
If the relationship is to work then you and he need to discuss this and come to some understanding.
But ultimately you need to understand that while someone may have lots of patience, they are likely not going to wait around forever. Of course, if they don't then maybe he's not the one for you after all.